I can't stop worrying about how my life is going

[ifeeltrapped]

I'm a regular on several boards but I've NC because a few RL people know my username and I'm embarrassed.

I'm 25, engaged with plans to be married in the spring, I have a very secure job which is well paid for what it is. I rent a flat, have my own car, have a much loved dog, I'm studying in my own time for the first time since I left school and I have lovely friends and supportive parents.

Great, except I'm so lonely I could weep. My DP is utterly addicted to internet porn and we haven't had anything close to proper sex since April 2014 despite several ultimatums. I'm pretty sure he watches it every day as he works early shifts and has the afternoon to himself, so by the time I get home in the evening he has removed any urge to have sex. He says it's because his anxiety and body image issues cause performance issues (which has happened in the past, so it's not a total lie) but I've told him that he's selfish for sorting himself out and leaving me with nothing. He has absolutely no incentive to go to the effort of having sex when he can just watch porn.

My flat is a total shithole, the LL has nothing to do with us and DP does nothing around the house without stern words so it's dirty on top of falling apart around my ears (broken shower, broken water heater, broken kitchen sink).

Due to a penchant for expensive travel and being terrible with money, I'm currently in around £8k of personal debt. I earn an okay salary but I'm living on around £100 a month due to high debt repayments and savings. I feel like I'll never be out of this financial hole that is entirely my own doing. My job is fine and it's secure but it's a world away from what I want to do but I can't see any way I could ever afford to leave work for university. I left school with very few qualification when I was 17 (I thought I knew better than everyone else!) and have been stuck in admin jobs ever since.

I moved away from my hometown to live with DP but I don't have any roots here. He had crippling anxiety and binge eating disorder alongside depression that he refuses to treat. I've begged him to go to the doctor to no avail. We are like roommates most of the time. We rarely go out because I'm skint, he hates social events so never comes to anything with me and there is no intimacy in our relationship. I love the bones of him but I feel like he is choosing himself over me a little more every day.

I am also about 50lbs overweight and suffer horribly with binge eating and bulimia. I feel fat, worthless and I can barely look at my reflection in the mirror.

I lie awake at night panicking about the mess my life is in and I don't know what way to turn.

Also how did the marriage proposal come about? Did you ask him? Did he ask you after one of your talks about his excessive porn use? Are you paying for the wedding alone ?

When I'm with him and we're laughing and going out to do nice things I can't imagine my life without him.

In the darker, quiet moments I can admit to myself that I don't want to marry someone who has so little respect for me or my home. I'm like an unpaid skivvy, he won't have sex with me and he is absolutely against getting help with his mental health issues.

I love him but surely it shouldn't be this difficult?

Cleansheetsandbedding

He proposed on holiday a year ago, I didn't instigate it. He is paying more towards it than I am as he has more disposable income.

See if you can consolidate the loans as PP have said.

Write to your landlord, setting out factually what is wrong (ideally with photos), and referring to his/her obligations as a landlord, and ask him/her to repair or reply within 14 days with a timeframe for repair before you escalate this to the council/environmental health. The CAB (or tons of posters on here!) can point you to the legislation that says he must do these things.

Postpone the wedding. I know it feels like money down the pan, but you cannot marry this man if intimacy is such an impossibility for him. He will need counselling for porn addiction. From friends who have been through similar with DHs it is difficult to break and needs professional help.

That second paragraph of your last post - no, it shouldn't be that difficult. Is this really what you want for the next 5, 10, 15 years? Marrying him won't change him or the relationship. Please don't.

Have you thought that putting things on hold and going to your mothers might be the kick up the arse he needs? Or the space you need?

I would have thought as you were getting married you would have had joint finances, is that somthing you don't want to do ?

Why would you knowingly and willingly enter into a sexless marriage?

Posted too soon. I think the tone of your conversation with your fiance needs to be, "I want us to spend our lives together. Intimacy and sex is a big part of that, so we need to resolve your reliance on porn before we get married."

Joint finances isn't really an option right now - the debt is mine alone and I wouldn't ask someone to subsidise me due to my stupid choices.

As for entering into a sexless marriage, we had a huge talk yesterday and I almost ended things. He knows I'm deadly serious this time, either he goes cold turkey on the porn and he works on fixing our problems or I'm gone.

Sadly I feel like even if he does sort his issues, I'll be living with a sword over my head. I'm not sure I want to marry him knowing that this could happen again at any point.

don't marry him1 Why on earth would you? He's a lazy, selfish porn addict. You're young and have your entire life ahead of you! Just cancel it all.

Then, debt. Go and see CAB or a debt counsellor and arrange for your debts to be managed and paid off a little at a time. And you're just going to have to put travel on hold for a bit!

Ok it's great that you've realised your current situation isn't the best. I've been there with the debt and as of Dec 1st will be debt free so you can do it. Keep paying it off and don't worry about saving until it's paid. You will be debt free, promise :-)

You don't want to marry this guy. Again, I've been there (not married but engaged) and it's OK to break it off.

What steps do you think you can do to end the relationship? You've mentioned moving to your parents I think, is that an option?

You're life is going to be absolutely great, but right now you've got a little block (or lazy arsed bloke) that's stopping you from getting where you want in life.

I do echo what the guys have said: Do not marry him!!

I would only be able to move to my parents' house if I had a job back home as they live 15 miles outside the city, plus it would be an hour on the train from there so commuting to my current job wouldn't be an option. The train fares between the cities is £350 per month before I'd even travelled the hour into my mum's local city! I would be worse off financially.

I'd have to stay here to finish my studies (mid May) and then look to move home, probably. I'd also have to rehome my poor dog, which would take time as I couldn't give him to just anyone.

OP- seriously you can't marry this man. You will be swirling your life down the pan as soon as you sign the marriage certificate!!!

What is the point of being in a relationship that's sexless?! You are basically just flat mates, companions. You can get companionship from your dog!!

I would end the relationship and see if you could find anywhere that will take you and you dog! My best friend has rented 2 rooms with her dog before, one in a granny annexe type set up and the other as a lodger in a big farm house. You would get somewhere I'm sure, posting on gumtree, spare room.com etc will find you somewhere.

I know how you feel re debts, I too am in debt due to being silly with money so I know how you feel.

Seriously this can all be sorted but first steps are getting out of the horrible flat and getting away from your boyfriend for a bit!

Thanks for all of your comments, I have plenty to think about.

It feels good just to vent anonymously.

I would not move back home if you don't get on with your mum.
You'd be swapping one unacceptable situation with another.

I think the state of your relationship is terrible. Yes, he makes you laugh, but he doesn't really value you. One hand a half years of no sex in your 20s! He makes no effort now, he will make even less effort when you're married. You'll end up a doormat with zero self esteem.

My advice would be to move out somewhere on your own, get help with your eating disorder and concentrate on your studies. You have indeed your whole life ahead of you, don't waste it on a loser. There will be a new love for you out there - once you have started to love yourself and recognise the users.

ifeel totally understand about not moving in with your parents. In the meantime is there any way you can put a hault to the wedding? As time goes on this will be harder to do.

If you can focus on putting a hold of the wedding and giving yourself the time to sort your studies you can plan an exit strategy.

Do not marry him!

When I was newly married and pregnant I found stash of porn. He said it was my fault because I was pregnant. Yuk yuk yuk.
Years later he developed a sex addiction and completely lost the plot. He is telling you who is.
I was too naive to know. He is utterly selfish and will only blame you. I would move home or near some friends if you can.

By the way you sound great. Get to work on your self esteem. You should not be putting up with this. Take your time to make an exit plan. It will be the best thing you ever did. Do it bit by bit. If neither of you change nothing will change.
Good luck!

Re: your OP, and your most recent talk: ultimatums are not ultimatums if you need more than one.

You are not following through, which is as good as saying "I will accept any poor treatment"

By the way his excuses for wanking all afternoon are a load of bullshit. The warped poor me perceptions of an addict. Get rid in the most positive way you can.

Do you want DC at some point in your life? Ask yourself, is this the man you want to be the father and role model to your potential daughter or son? If you've any doubt at all than call off the relationship now and walk away.

Yes, marrying him would be a catastrophic mistake.

He isn't willing to get help for his problems. He doesn't care about the impact on you. However much you love him, his behaviour indicates that he does not love you. You are his skivvy.

As someone with a toxic DM, I say do not move back in with her. Get a room in house share near your work ideally.

If living separately means you are splitting up then that's not a strong relationship anyway.

I'd bet any money that your depression, anxiety and eating disorder are strongly triggered by your relationship.

You know it isn't right. You know it will be a mistake. Love is not enough to make a marriage, especially one-sided love.

OP, I work with porn addiction. I turn away many potential clients because it is so hard to treat. With the professional experiences I have, I would never be in relationship with a man who used porn regularly - let alone one who relied on it.

I'm sorry.

Do not marry this man OP, PLEASE!!!!!!

You said you have already given him "several ultimatums" so he knows you just don't mean what you say and is probably incapable of change.

Imagine a friend of yours asked you if they should marry a porn addict with MH issues they refused to address, and who treated their home like shit? Surely you would tell them to run like the wind?

You have to end this. If you can't stay with parents, is there a friend back home with a spare room you could rent short term?