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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why is DH such a miserable bugger - he makes everyone in the house upset

28 replies

mummydear · 09/12/2006 10:19

My Dh works hard and is a stressful job, why on his days off is he so miserable , he has a go at me about the state of the house - which it is not untidy but I am constantly clearing up that days mess and his which he is happy to leave around during the week!

Yersterday he was in the bathroom lecturing me about the limescale ! Its not limescale its the water marks on the shower tap, clean it one day next day its back !

Everytime he has a day off I am reduced to tears which inturn had an effect on the children.

Its happening evryday off now , yesteday he had a day off, I was at school all day helping to sort out a Xmas party , I asked him to do a couple of things - like putting all the Xmas presents to the shed , which I have bought and wrapped mainly for his family and he did sod all yesterday. I asked him to do 3 things of which he did none ! I was out of the house all day.

I just cannot talk to him , we dont talk and Im in tears everyday he is home . Why is he like this ?

He will not go to relate , Ive been once on my won but didnt see the point in carrying on if he wasnt going to go. Its making life hell at home .
What is wrong with him , what can I do ?

I am so pissed off and upset about him I cant even be bothered to name change

OP posts:
IvortheEngine · 09/12/2006 10:24

I know that this gets said often, but is he depressed? Has he seen his doctor? Does he have friends he can socialise with once a week to enjoy himself, forget about work, then come home in a much better frame of mind? My dh does two things on an almost weekly basis which is for him to get exercise and socialise and I think we see the benefits, not that he had problems but it's good to have a work/home life balance. Of course, you deserve to do things yourself, too, but getting him to be happier and pull his weight around the house should come first as it'll make you going out yourself and also with him regularly, so much easier to put into place. Sorry if I sound bossy, btw.

Original poster
mummydear · 09/12/2006 10:30

I am making an eefort for us to go out togther more often , usllay we dont go out togther because of paying for a babysitter etc. But we are due out tonight and next week , I've booked the babysitters and thought what the hell

He does have any 'friends ' only work assocaites , he does has no out side interestes , unblike myslef who has many good frineds , and has lots of outside interests ahich do not have any great impact on him.

He will not go to the GP , he went bakc in May and was told to loss a stone and give up smoking , and go back in three months ,His fat levels in his liver were high. But he still hasnt gone back, me telling him doesnt help.

I know that he will be dead or have had a haertattck in 5 years, by the time his 50. He may be dpressed and when I try to talk to him he just says 'I'm unhappy because of you , you make me depressed ' not a reaaly constructive answer from him.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummydear · 09/12/2006 10:31

Sorry below read wrong - he does not have nay friends or any outside interests

OP posts:
IvortheEngine · 09/12/2006 13:12

Sorry, just a quickie. I'm not around now until tomorrow night but will come back to this thread.

lupo · 09/12/2006 18:33

mmm, sympathise, mine is very much like this and not very enjoyable to live with, this marriage lark is not much fun is it? He has a stressful job, amd sometimes feel like i might breathe wrong and upset him.. only now instead of getting upset, feel almost indifferent to it all, not a good sign.

cant really offer much advice as havent really found a solution

Original poster
mummydear · 09/12/2006 18:52

I feel asthough if I breath the wrong way it will upset him. I get very frustrated by it all and aswell as getting upset I get very defensive of myslef because I've had enough of it . This usually ends up by us having major arguments.

Its like treading on egg shells most of the time with him.

Anyway we off out tonight together - what fun !

OP posts:
smartiepartie · 09/12/2006 21:52

hope it goes well and you find a spark - let us know

NotQuiteCockney · 10/12/2006 07:12

When he is rude to you, how do you respond? Do you get upset?

Have you tried staying calm, or saying you'll talk to him when he's being polite?

If you can't get him to be more reasonable, is separation an option? It sounds hellish, living with someone this critical and unpleasant.

santasweetdreamer · 10/12/2006 07:17

mummydear, you have my sympathy.

he just sounds hard work, and he's blaming his misery on you.

please try not to let him, you are not responsible for his happiness.

I'd be seriously wondering where this marriage is going, life's hard enough without taking someone like him on.

How did your night out go?

edam · 10/12/2006 08:48

sounds like he's selfish, rude and aggressive. You need to weigh up what exactly you are getting out of this marriage - why are you staying? Is it worth trying to get him to sort out his problems?

Dh was a bit like this - not completely - when he was depressed. But if yours won't seek help despite your best efforts, you might have to leave him to sort it out himself. You can't make someone better. Maybe if you went, that would provoke him into getting help.

aliceband · 10/12/2006 08:55

mummydear, know exactly how you feel.
Really wouldnt know what to advise either. In a very similar boat, if it makes you feel better.

aliceband · 10/12/2006 09:01

how are you children?

Original poster
mummydear · 10/12/2006 09:07

Dear all,

Night out went OK , I ended up driving so he could have a drink . No arguments last night, but this morning he is tired , doesn't feel well, so who has been up sorting the kids out as usual -yes you guessed it me !

I dont want to us to split up, mainly for the childrens sake , I have no where to go and a good friemd of mine is going through a divorce at the moment and I wouldn't want to go through that.

When he speaks to me , I tell him not to be so rude or blunt but he just roles his eyes , he doesn't realise how he sounds . I do get upset but perhaps I will try nad remain calm and tell him that I will speak to him when he can be polite.

But on the other hand I will not be treated like this and I end up standing up for myslef and am agreessive and rude to him back, I dont want to be walked over, it then just gets worse and have blazing rows which I have had enough of .

Lets see what happens today.

OP posts:
edam · 10/12/2006 09:18

Good tip about being calm. Maybe if he doesn't realise how nasty he sounds, you could try recording him and then playing it back. Show him exactly how he is behaving.

jabberwocky · 10/12/2006 09:28

I have found that when dh acts like a spoiled child it's helpful to treat him like one. i.e. "Don't speak to me using that tone of voice. It's not polite." It actually works most of the time When it doesn't, I just ignore him...

Pinkchampagne · 10/12/2006 09:47

mummydear - I am sorry you are having such a miserable time. You have my full sympathies as my husband could be very much like yours & I know how horrible it is.
Have you tried sitting down (when he is calmer) & letting him know just how much he upsets you?
Sometimes it is impossible trying to talk to them when they are in one of their moods, but when all is calm, it may be an idea to let him know just how unhappy he is making you.

moondog · 10/12/2006 09:50

Mummy,although most men are prone to grumpiness (and I include my dh,although when it happens, warn him that I willl leave him if he turns out like some of his/my older male relatives!) this sounds excessive.

I would actually just act completely neutral for a few days.
Do not respond with tears,sulks,anger or anything on those lines.

Just nod neutrally at what he says if he says anything.

it will work if you hve the discipline to keep it up.

I am a behaviourist. Nuff said.

smartiepartie · 10/12/2006 12:46

moondog, that's really interesting, how does it work? what happens?

moondog · 10/12/2006 13:14

Smartie,try it and see.
People panic and start doubting themselves (which in this case,is exactly what you want) when you don't respond.

My sister is a master at this craft.

Original poster
mummydear · 10/12/2006 18:53

shall have a go at it Moondog, thanks

OP posts:
moondog · 10/12/2006 18:54

Let us know eh?

lou33 · 10/12/2006 19:02

he sounds depressed and or stressed

but it isnt a licence for him to take it out on you

Original poster
mummydear · 10/12/2006 19:47

Thanks everyone . This being neutral is not going to be easy, had to bite my tongue already tonight when he said he was going to lie on the bed , just when I wqas about to sit down after putting the children to bed. Ever get that feeling someone doesn't want to be with you ?

OP posts:
IvortheEngine · 10/12/2006 20:16

Hello again mummydear. Do you think he is unwell physically and mentally atm? Maybe not big time, but enough to feel less than good about himself? If he has a very stressful job perhaps he thinks "If I was any good at this, I shouldn't be stressed, I should be able to handle this better." If he is overweight and has been told to lose weight and hasn't done so, perhaps he feels he can't go back to see the doc as he feels a failure whereas he should go back and seek help. I think he doesn't like himself at the moment and he can't be loving and kind because he doesn't feel anyone could love him, so he's pushing you away so that when you eventually go he can say to himself "See, I was right!" Can you make an appointment for the doctor for him and say "I've made an appointment for you on your next day off. It's at xyz time." He does need to start taking steps to improve things but those first steps are hard. Can his brother/sister/parent speak to him and allow him to talk about things? He may be completely hating work but feel trapped in the job knowing that you all rely on the wage he brings in, but if he doesn't look after himself, he is putting that wage at risk. Sorry this is so long.

aliceband · 10/12/2006 20:40

awe.. .that's really kind advice, i know it's not meant but me but i thought i had to let you know ivor

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