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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DW leaving me

33 replies

Confused1999 · 15/11/2015 15:33

I have just found a chat message between my wife and another man where she talks about leaving new for him. We have two beautiful children DD 11 and DS 7 whom I adored. I can't stop her leaving although I don't want her to go. What right do I have with regards to my kids. Where do I go from here, help please don't know how to carry on.

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 15/11/2015 15:38

no advice. just a hug. You have every right to see your children even be the resident parent.

Get a lawyer. ducks in a row and confront her.

Original poster
Confused1999 · 15/11/2015 15:43

Thanks for the hug. I'm so devastated. She's on her way back from her mum's now and I'll have to speak to her then. No idea what I'm going to say. We've had problems but I thought we were over the worst. Looks like she has been lying all along and her friend is so much more.

OP posts:
Griphook · 15/11/2015 15:48

Take a screen picture of the texts so you have evidence. Don't speak to her until you are ready. Don't leave the family home

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 15/11/2015 15:58

She might have been talking about leaving, but it might all just be talk. Has there been any mention of her going and taking the children with her? Playing happy families with this fellow?

If she wants to go then let her, but she goes without the children and you'll negotiate how much she gets to see them and when. See how she likes that

Themodernuriahheep · 15/11/2015 16:00

As we would say to any woman, secure your paperwork, bank statements, credit cards, mortgage, passports etc. make copies. Be prepared. Could be long and nasty.

Think of going to cab for advice. Also consider counselling if you both think retrievable. And help for your DCs too indeed especially.

V v sorry. BrewFlowersWine

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 15/11/2015 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 15/11/2015 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 15/11/2015 16:06

I agree that if she wants to go then she goes, but she doesnt get to take the kids and drag them through this mess.

They stay with you, in their home, with security.

DeoGratias · 15/11/2015 16:07

Thre is a legal forum on here by the way.

  1. Don't leave the house or the children. If you lose possession it's much harder to get it back.
2,. If you both work full time then you might well get some kind of 50/50 shared order once you split up. If her lover is better off then may be you keep the house and children and she moves in with him and has contact with them regularly. It is more likely they children will stay with her though if she doesn't work and you do.
  1. Try to delay things - once a child is 13 or so they get a choice about who to stay with and might pick you. Your oldest is 11. Might be worth not pushing this at all - you might have read a fantasy or your wife might leave anyway . Don't bring things to a head. Say nothing. Just make sure you've got full details of the family finances, passports etc.
Offred · 15/11/2015 16:08

Who is the primary carer for the DC just now?

EliGold · 15/11/2015 16:12

Don't confront your wife yet. I am sorry you are going through this. See a family law solicitor tomorrow for advice. First meeting should be free. Make sure you know where passports, birth certificates etc are for the kids and take copies of any important paper work. She is working on having an element of surprise against you. Let her believe you are unaware and use the time to sort yourself out. Then confront her when you are ready. So sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
Confused1999 · 15/11/2015 16:12

Thanks for all the advice. She had spoken in her messages about moving closer to her sister but doesn't want to mess up the kids schooling, I think she's convinced that she will leave with the kids and I'll get visiting rights. We have just bought a new house together and everything we had had fine into that. This other guy is dynamical very well off but I would be broke. How can I offer my kids a decent life in rented acclaim when they are used to having everything. This is breaking my heart and she is holding all the cards. I even found out today that she has her own bank account set up

OP posts:
NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 15/11/2015 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Confused1999 · 15/11/2015 16:25

I work long hours and she works from home. I have no money to buy her out, I have nowhere else to go and as she is the primary carer she's going to get the kids. I'm just sitting here waiting for her to come home not knowing what to do or say. I'm not like her and my emotions are out there for all to see. She will know somethings up as soon as she walks in the door.

OP posts:
Offred · 15/11/2015 16:41

I think you need to separate your feelings about what she has done and what is best for the DC.

Being frank the best thing for DC is to keep arrangements similar to what they have been.

Your DC are older so they will be able to be involved in the decisions a little bit.

What you mainly need to work out is the housing stuff. It should be fairly divided, you should both be able to have space for the children etc

Then you work out contact etc. if you work long hours it is likely it simply won't be possible for you to have 50/50 because you'll be at work.

Please don't be tempted to ignore this because you are frightened you will lose the house/DC. Please don't start feeling possessive over the DC either.

It would not be sensible parenting for her to sweep them off into a relationship with OM. But if you work long hours it will also not be realistic for you to be main carer.

Offred · 15/11/2015 16:44

No-one is going to 'get the kids' btw.

All of this is more than likely going to be sorted out between the two of you.

WaitrosePigeon · 15/11/2015 16:50

I'm so sorry Flowers

Shinyhappypeople9 · 15/11/2015 17:11

You got access to money? If its joint take half of it out now.

GlitteryFluff · 15/11/2015 17:19

No advice for you just wanted to say sorry WineThanks

Original poster
Confused1999 · 15/11/2015 17:29

Thanks all. Confronted her as got tears and denials. Talking again tonight. To those who advised to wait, I'm sorry, it was probably good advice but I just couldn't do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused1999 · 15/11/2015 17:33

Just a thought. I have screen prints of the conversation. Should I email them to his wife and grown up kids? Would this help or am I just being vindictive?

OP posts:
Offred · 15/11/2015 17:36

No, don't do that. Think about whether you should tell his wife a bit more. I generally think it is better for the other hurt party to be told but not as an immediate reaction and planned in a careful way to take account of her feelings. Definitely don't email his kids.

goddessofsmallthings · 15/11/2015 18:08

To my mind you're best advised to play the long game by keeping cool and telling your dw that you intend to divorce her for adultery and name the om as co-respondent.

Don't enter into any more conversation than this and wait to see the waves that will result from that dropping that particular stone dropping into her pool of complacency as she will tell the om and he may feel he has little choice but to tell his dw and it may be the case that, no matter what he may have told her, your dw has merely been a bit on the side for him.

As the CAB are hugely oversubscribed and don't advise on marital issues, you're best advised to make an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law to ascertain your legal rights and expectations if you petition for divorce.

After you've seen a solicitor you may give some thought to appraising the om's dw of his affair and its possible consequences.

Offred · 15/11/2015 18:10

CAB absolutely do advise on marital issues!

They can't give legal advice but I think if you have no knowledge at all of the basics of divorce a visit to CAB can be very useful as a pre-emptor to a visit for a free initial appointment with a solicitor.

Offred · 15/11/2015 18:12

this is the CAB page on divorce www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/ending-a-marriage/