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Original poster

my mother is unbelievable :(

52 replies

kittylettekissingsanta · 08/12/2006 20:25

ive just told her that ive gotten her xmas pressie from 'oxfam unwrapped.com' and that her present will provide 100 children with a school meal and will provide 25 people with clean drinking water,

to which she replied 'what im not getting a present??'

and then preceded to moan and shout and declare that shes taking my digital cameara back to the shop, cause im not getting her anything

this woman lives in a 6 bed detattched house, she'll have a fantastic xmas, and shes pissed off because 'some african kids have taken her presents'

im actully crying - how can she be so selfish?? its all about money to her

and now i feel like a n*b, and will be too embarresed to hand out my oxfam-gifts

and havent got the money to re-buy

OP posts:
HumphreyCushiONtheFirstNoel · 08/12/2006 20:26

Your gifts sound wonderful.
at your mother's reaction!

Carmenere · 08/12/2006 20:28

Tell her to grow up and get a life and a sense of preportion And don't you dare rebuy anything and be proud of donating to charity instead of buying mostly unwanted over priced crap for people. My mum isn't buying anyone any presents but giving to a charity in Malawi instead.

DizzyBinterWonderland · 08/12/2006 20:30

don't you dare re buy a thing. your mother should be ashamed.

moondog · 08/12/2006 20:30

Good god,she sounds mad!

lulumama · 08/12/2006 20:35

blardy hell kitty......seems like you got your good heart and generosity of spirit from someone other than your mum!!

even DS ( 7) understands about giving to charity ......

am

don;t feeel like a nob....everyone else will be equally stunned at her reaction , no doubt....

Cratchit · 08/12/2006 20:37

Have no advice but just to say my mums a nightmare too, which I find immensely depressing ...

DizzyBinterWonderland · 08/12/2006 20:39

at least you didn't get her a load of oxfam unwrapped condom kit things! imagine her face then.

Original poster
kittylettekissingsanta · 08/12/2006 20:41

thats what all my families like, non of them will appreciate it, just take the piss

OP posts:
Carmenere · 08/12/2006 20:45

Well Kitty you will have the moral highground and you can shove your goodwill down their necks and make them choke on it. Honestly, Christmas is for kids(and the Christians, I suppose), the rest of it is just a token to make each other feel good and if your family can't appreciate that you have donated their portion of your Christmas cash to charity, well feck them all. Smile and rise above it.

UnquietDad · 08/12/2006 21:46

I "adopted" DW a panda for a year for her birthday from the WWF once, but I did buy a few smaller things too so she had something to open for herself.

StarrmumofRoyalBeautyBright · 09/12/2006 07:40

This is going to be very politically incorrect I'm afraid, but I do feel a bit sorry for your mum. Christmas isn't just for kids and it's really nice to be given a gift - even if you do live in a big fuck off house!

And why did you tell her what you bought her before Christmas day anyway? You weren't showing off were you?

Giving to charity is great, but I do think that some of this Christmas charity gift giving is a bit 'keeping up with the Joneses' - it's a very visible and smug way of showing what a good person you are.

Why not buy her a token gift as well? Doesn't your mum deserve something too?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2006 08:30

Starmum,

Think you have wrong end of stick here re the house in particular - this lady's Mother lives in such a house, not this lady herself.

Kitty has done something important here - she has given some of her hard earnt cash that will go some way to help children in another country who have very little. Its also a gift that will help someone who does not live here in this country (perhaps this is part of Kitty's Mum's problem).

Kitty's mum as well saying , "some african kids have taken her present" is to me a shocking indictment of how she is as a person.

Kitty - do not be embarrassed to give out your Oxfam gifts and certainly do not rebuy. Its their problem not yours.

If you were for instance to give me such a gift I would be delighted .

WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 09/12/2006 08:40

The important thing is that your intentions were good and you were trying to do something nice. If it helps, and only if, I can see your mother's viewpoint. Not excusing her over-reacting though.

Charity presents are a bit of a tricky one. You see, technically, I think that buying a charity present for someone else is like donating their present to charity, while accepting a present yourself. The right way around IMO, is to ask people to buy you charity presents, rather than giving them.

Does that make sense? I won't labour the point, but I hope it helps to heal the rift and make you feel better.

NotQuiteCockney · 09/12/2006 08:57

I think WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad has a point.

That being said, I despair of the gift purchase experience with my in-laws, everyone involved has more than enough stuff, so we try to give them very very specific lists, so we get useful stuff. And we got them replacement dining-room chairs this year, that we know they need.

I did the charity gift thing for my in-laws last year, and they were ok about it. We did get them some other "token" gifts, too, though, just tiny things, so they had something to open on the day.

nearlythree · 09/12/2006 09:05

What a lovely thought, kitty. If I were you I'd contact all your family and say that they will be getting charity gifts, and you'd like it if they'd do the same for you.

I'd still get any children normal gifts though.

Your mother is shocking. I have a Christian Aid dvd I can send to you to watch after Christmas lunch if you like.

edam · 09/12/2006 09:09

I think your mum's a PITA but agree with Santa about the general principles. Giving on behalf of other people and then telling them 'I didn't get you a present, I donated the money to Oxfam' is a bit ... smug? Unless you've agreed it with the person. It's like the giver gets to feel good but actually the donation is from the receiver who may not have chosen to donate to that particular cause or indeed to make a donation. Forcing their hand while gaining the moral high ground.

vitomum · 09/12/2006 09:15

yes, i have ishoooos with the charity gift too. It's kind of like someone donating on your behalf. I would feel slightly patronised if someone did this without my prior agreement as i would feel like i couldn't be trusted to make my own decisions about what charities to support.

I think if i was buying charity presents for everyone as some sort of stance against the commercialisation of xmas i would want to be very clear up front with everyone that they reciprocated and i got a charity gift back. Because what's the point in making an example out of other people and keeping the good pressies for yourself.

Troutpout · 09/12/2006 09:29

:-O! i can imagine some people might think it...but can't believe it actually came out of someones mouth!.
Don't feel bad Kitty...you had good intentions..you just chose the wrong person
Get her a token gift ...bottle of wine...chocs or something.
We buy 'good gifts' on behalf of pils every year (but only because they do ask us too) and then we just buy them wine and choc for themselves.

myrrhthamoo · 09/12/2006 09:43
nearlythree · 09/12/2006 09:49

I have to admit I'm doing charity gifts with some relations in the hope that they don't get us anything in future. Also have recieved charity gifts from other relations so am on safe ground there.

For good friends, I buy small gifts plus a charity gift for the whole family.

If I'd given someone a 'real' gift and got a charity one in return I'd be delighted. It would show that the giver believes me to be the kind of person who values giving to those in need more than recieving for myself.

Original poster
kittylettekissingsanta · 09/12/2006 09:53

i dont live in a 6 bedroomed house - thats m mum, and im not a rich hippy

i live in a rented council house with 2 babies and not alot of money

i thought it was a cool idea, ive obviously f*d up again sigh *

im gonna just keep the oxfam cards and try and raise some money to buy her a bath bomb set she'll never even use

OP posts:
vitomum · 09/12/2006 09:57

oh Kitty, sorry you feel bad. the deed is done now, don't go spending more money if you can't afford it.

WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 09/12/2006 10:01

Don't feel bad. Your intentions were really good, and the charity thing is a really new concept.

I can totally see your logic in the sense that how can you buy something meaningful for someone who has already got everything.

If you point out to her, as nearlythree said, that you had believed her to be such a charitable person etc, then I would be very surprised if she turns her nose up at it. If you can bear to, ladle on the compliments, and don't buy something else if it makes you more skint.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 09/12/2006 10:03

Kittylette - you know you meant well. Dont feel bad.

Christmas can be such a minefield of etiquette and emotions, cant it?

Ally90 · 09/12/2006 10:12

I'm shocked at your mothers reaction. What a big kid. She should appreciate her daughter cares enough about other people. I would not say its smug its a feel good thing. Perhaps to top off the present you should suggest to her that she should sell off her 6 bed detatched house, buy a 1 up 1 down terrace house and donate the monies to charity

You could explain your intention was good but obviously you misunderstood your mothers character erm I mean wishes. She could have just said 'thanks but next year I would prefer a present' rather than going ballistic.

Good luck hun x

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