Hello,
Sorry in advance for ramble - but I am so far in to this situation I can no longer so the wood for the trees and I'm getting to the point where I'm worried that choices I am making now will affect things in years to come.
Background is: when growing up, me and my brother were quite anxious children because my dad was very scary and bad-tempered and my mum was afraid of him. My mum was as thin as a rake and had a very nervous / jittery disposition - she still is like this now and it's always irritated me that she would never stick up for herself or me & my brother when growing up. For example, she wasn't allowed her own money, she wasn't allowed to go food shopping by herself, she had controlled access to my dad's cars and she wasn't really allowed to think for herself. My dad was always swilling beer cans, dropping litter in the house and was often nasty. I do have many many good childhood memories, but we were all scared of my dad on some level. My dad also has very funny ways with money, and believes he is very poor - he often displays signs of 'inverted snobbery'.
When I was 16 - I witnessed my dad swipe all of the inheritance that my granddad left. It was the final nail in the coffin with his relationship with his brother - meaning I was never to see my uncle or cousins again. My dad didn't care about that, he was chuffed with himself for getting all of my granddad's estate. He also openly joked to me how he's also swiped the two lots of £500 that was left to me and my brother - and at the time I was too young / deep-down scared to say anything. My mum says nothing, she buries any glimmer of morality she has and goes along with my dad's schemes.
When I was 21 - I was home from university (so yes it's not all bad - they did help me through uni...) and my dad was sat thinking to himself. He raised the topic of my 21st birthday. He said ''would you like to pick out a designer watch for yourself, say, up to the value of £300''. I was quite taken aback by this but said thank you and decided a few weeks later I would quite like a Gucci watch (this was the thing at the time) which happened to be £300. The day came to go and purchase my birthday present. My dad had a sudden attack of emotion (at the thought of parting with his beloved money) and when he saw the watch in the window he said 'I ain't forkin' out for that'. I was dismayed. It wasn't because I was particularly desperate for that watch - it was more disappointment that he cared more about 'cost' than any display of generosity on my 21st birthday. He then spent the next hour stomping around the shopping center hunting for a watch that was less expensive. I walked behind my parents feeling upset and my mum scuttled along next to my dad, looking worried but not saying anything to my dad about his behaviour. And to add to this experience, a few days later, when my mum was icing my birthday cake (so my brother tells me), my dad said 'haha, why don't you put ''no gucci'' on the cake'.
There are many stories like this. Some involving booze, others displaying a complete lack of integrity from my dad and flakeyness from my mum. They usually result in me bickering with my mum for being a wimp (so she essentially gets bullied twice..) - and my dad's behaviour always goes unchallenged, because we're all scared of him (when he gets angry it is terrifying). My brother tends to stay out of it... The one and only time I expressed disapproval of his behaviour he was being rude to my mum and I 'tutted' at him - he chased me out of the house and yelled 'you posh bitch'. I was at university at the time, so I wonder if this choice of words were related to that as he seems to dislike anything related to being upwardly mobile.. he loves money but loves to be a cheap-skate.
When I was 25 - this is where the latest saga begins, which has been going on for 8 years now (I'm now 33) and has now resulted in me not speaking to my parents for the last 2 months.... My mum was an only child and had always promised that when she gained her inheritance from her mother, she would see to it that me and my brother were set up with houses and given a substantial deposit. My mum used to bring this up all the time, right from when I was a teenager and would use the phrasing 'little or no mortgage'. There is nothing that unusual about this, lots of people get help with their mortgage deposits... When I think back though, she never said anything in front of my dad....
My grandma passed away in 2007, leaving behind a property in London and substantial savings - I think an estate of possibly £500k. So plenty to go around as my parents house was paid off years earlier. Straight away, my dad swept in and took control of things.
In the last 7 years, I have watched my dad go mad with all this money - when I say mad, it's like he can't relax or sleep at night because he has too much... he's uprooted my mum and has created a stressful, financially unproductive and lonely living situation for them. He made my mum leave her job because he suddenly had an urge to move to Spain - but it was all done in such a rush I could see that he wasn't really serious - he bought a new car for the 1-way journey, got his dogs chipped and bought ferry tickets. Six weeks later HE changed his mind (too hot in Spain) and they were back. My mum was a bit sheepish but she just goes along with it all. If he's have decided that it was great in Spain, then she would have had to go along with that too - even though she never had any desire to live abroad and was very upset about the whole thing.
As soon as they returned, out of no where, he set about looking for a new house / new life for them in Dorset (they lived in Milton Keynes). It was completely random and I felt that my dad was doing all of these knee-jerk antics because the money was burning a whole in his back pocket... they have now had this house in Dorset for over five years. My mum has often been tearful saying how lonely she is. My dad is also very unsettled there and drives back to Milton Keynes several times a month - for all sorts of reasons (getting his car serviced, going to the dentist, going out getting drunk...?!)... they spent most of their time on the motorway. They often talk of 'sticking it out another year'.. whilst this has been going on, they've also owned two different houses back where they live - which they spend half the time squatting in and the other half trying to rent out - but because my dad is controlling and can't stand people using his stuff, he keeps visiting the tenants (again, another excuse to drive to Milton Keynes on a sometimes weekly basis).. for a long time, I kept pointing out that they money they are making on owning a second property / renting it out, they are actually wasting by trying to live in the property (when it's vacant) and also all of the petrol! He is literally trying to live in two places at once. Both houses are scruffy and dirty. My dad is like an indoor tramp. I try to talk to my mum about their existence (being so unsettled, stressful) but she just blocks me out.
Other than this all being very frustrating to watch, I strongly believe that my dad has set up this new life for them as a way to siphon off all of the money (''I need two houses'') because he doesn't want to share it with his two children, which is what my mum had promised. Aside from the stupid way he has carried on, this is what he has done to me, during this same period:
When I was expecting my first child (in 2010), me and my partner (now husband) decided to purchase our first house. DH's parents approached us and offered to give us £25k, which was very nice. There was no fuss and they were very kind about it. No such offer came from my parents - they suddenly because very hands off about the hole thing. My dad was very wrapped up in all his 'money shuffling' at the time... In the end, I very nervously asked my mum if she'd be willing to contribute £5000 to help with our deposit. She said 'yes' in a nice voice, but then suddenly went quiet and said that i'd better ask my dad. Instead of discussing it with him herself, she scuttled off and left it to me to ask him. I didn't hear anything for a few days and was beginning to feel fretful. In the end I phoned up and my mum quickly handed the phone to my dad (my brother later told me that she ran and hid in another part of the house). I mumbled my request to my dad and I could tell he was absolutely furious at the idea of sharing. It is a very crazy reaction I know - most people would just say 'yes' or 'no' - but he gets very emotional over 'his' money... he was hissing down the phone at me asking when I would be paying it back and then practically hung up. My brother said that after the phone call, he got himself really drunk and yelled at my mum, making her shake and was saying 'she'll wipe us out Rosemary'. They then left me hanging for two months. Although I was terrified and stressed after the phone call, I was also increasingly angry with my mum as she just buried her head in the sand and whenever I spoke to her she wouldn't bring up the topic of the £5k and just whittled on about the weather. In the end, my dad decided to give me the money and presented me with a cheque. Of course, by this point, I didn't want it - after the way they had treated me - upsetting me when I was pregnant, to the point where I was too afraid to visit them and causing me all that embarrassment and worry. I had to swallow my pride and take the money because we'd declared the 'gift' on our mortgage application.
During the time of my pregnancy, my mum slipped me a pack of wet wipes (£1) and they way she went about it, she was almost like 'don't tell your father, wink''. Not to be ungrateful, but I thought it was pathetic. My friends gave me a baby shower and my other family members were very excited (and generous) but I felt like my mum had to damped her excitement because of my dad's philosophy that merriment 'costs money'. He's fixated with the 'cost' of everything, rather than the intrinsic value
This leads on to the next life event that they ruined...
Before having my first child, me and my then DP got engaged. When we went to visit them the next day, I heard my dad say 'i won't buy any alcohol'. Considering my dad likes a drink, I felt he was being a bit of a cheap skate (he likes buying drink for himself perhaps - not sharing it!). It upset me a bit as my DH's family bought champagne when we went to to see them a day or so later. They didn't send a card (perhaps my mum couldn't get sanction for this purchase from my dad?). We left it a year before seriously starting to plan the wedding as my DH was born...
When we did start to arrange our wedding day, we decided to go for a fairly traditional wedding. I know there's a lot to be said for weddings being a waste of money, but I shouldn't feel forced in to feeling like that... everyone is our social circle has similar kind of weddings to the one we were going for (barn conversion, sit down meal for 120 people, speeches, band, lovely dress etc etc), I've been to lots of weddings like this since...
This is how far I got with our wedding:
We booked a venue in Oxfordshire and a photographer
We sent 'save the dates' to our friends
I got beautiful hand made cards created for my bridesmaids as a way of asking them to take part in the wedding
I started going to bridal boutiques to try on dresses.
DH's parents were very excited and proud.
Every time I spoke about the wedding to my mum and dad, they would go all quiet, or change the subject, or make comments as though I had ideas above my station. This was all about a year after the saga with the house deposit, but I pressed on... My mum didn't offer any help at all of show an interest - I think my dad had told her to keep away from it all. I was getting increasingly irritated with her and disgusted with my dad. I text my mum to tell her I'd found my wedding dress and would be going to pick it up. No response.... So I had to take my MIL to pick it up... I tried to press on.. Two weeks later I took my M&D to my inlaws house so I could try on my dress for my mum. Her reaction was utterly bizarre. Instead of gushing and being all happy (maybe that's just how people act in films, I don't know), she was sort of quiet and off. She didn't say much. My MIL was v.miffed. Anyone would think she hated it - but I know she would have been under strict instructions not to get involved in this wedding malarkey - any excitement might result in him having to fork out... That was the last straw... I felt utterly heartbroken. It wasn't just because I'd had to pay for my own dress, it was their entire attitude. Two days later I cancelled the wedding and two weeks later me and my DH (and our 1 y/o DD) jetting off to Barbados and got married in secret. Of course for a few months afterwards I played the 'big weddings are a waste of money' card so as not to loose face - but the truth is, I was livid and humiliated... I'd upset and offended my MIL & FIL, let down my bridesmaids, DH missed out of his stag do... it was a shambled. And my parent's were so thick skinned about it.. .they weren't embarrassed in front of my inlaws and acted 'pleased for us'. We had a wedding reception in the pub (which my dad did pay for) but because I had to sort everything out and they were very hands off (and later my brother said that my dad 'hated' the fact that he had to pay for the reception - which was about a 10th of the cost of the original wedding that my DH would have had to fund!!) - and the most upsetting part was that after my DH made a lovely speech, my dad just stood there and said nothing. He hadn't bothered to prepare anything as he's been viewing houses again all morning (his house buying / moving addiction was still going strong!) -there was an awkward silence, broken by my FIL loudly raising a toast. I felt really disappointed. Also, because they'd been swanning around doing their own thing on the morning of the reception, my MIL had to get me ready - and my mum didn't care that she'd missed out on this either, as she was just following my dad around.. I didn't think she has a clue what's involved in a proper wedding (etiquette / special occasion-wise) - my dad likes her to not know too much about anything I think, as it could lead to 'cost'...
Five years later I am still seething that my mum made me buy my own wedding dress and didn't show any interest when I was planning my wedding - and I hate the fact that she can't grasp the social embarrassment us canning the wedding caused, especially with my inlaws, she just acts oblivious to it all... my dad hasn't given any of it a second thought I don't think.
A bit more recent stuff to follow… so sorry ….. xx