Cut off from parents - feeling anxious / de-railed

[flightygirlwoman]

Hello,
Sorry in advance for ramble - but I am so far in to this situation I can no longer so the wood for the trees and I'm getting to the point where I'm worried that choices I am making now will affect things in years to come.

Background is: when growing up, me and my brother were quite anxious children because my dad was very scary and bad-tempered and my mum was afraid of him. My mum was as thin as a rake and had a very nervous / jittery disposition - she still is like this now and it's always irritated me that she would never stick up for herself or me & my brother when growing up. For example, she wasn't allowed her own money, she wasn't allowed to go food shopping by herself, she had controlled access to my dad's cars and she wasn't really allowed to think for herself. My dad was always swilling beer cans, dropping litter in the house and was often nasty. I do have many many good childhood memories, but we were all scared of my dad on some level. My dad also has very funny ways with money, and believes he is very poor - he often displays signs of 'inverted snobbery'.

When I was 16 - I witnessed my dad swipe all of the inheritance that my granddad left. It was the final nail in the coffin with his relationship with his brother - meaning I was never to see my uncle or cousins again. My dad didn't care about that, he was chuffed with himself for getting all of my granddad's estate. He also openly joked to me how he's also swiped the two lots of £500 that was left to me and my brother - and at the time I was too young / deep-down scared to say anything. My mum says nothing, she buries any glimmer of morality she has and goes along with my dad's schemes.

When I was 21 - I was home from university (so yes it's not all bad - they did help me through uni...) and my dad was sat thinking to himself. He raised the topic of my 21st birthday. He said ''would you like to pick out a designer watch for yourself, say, up to the value of £300''. I was quite taken aback by this but said thank you and decided a few weeks later I would quite like a Gucci watch (this was the thing at the time) which happened to be £300. The day came to go and purchase my birthday present. My dad had a sudden attack of emotion (at the thought of parting with his beloved money) and when he saw the watch in the window he said 'I ain't forkin' out for that'. I was dismayed. It wasn't because I was particularly desperate for that watch - it was more disappointment that he cared more about 'cost' than any display of generosity on my 21st birthday. He then spent the next hour stomping around the shopping center hunting for a watch that was less expensive. I walked behind my parents feeling upset and my mum scuttled along next to my dad, looking worried but not saying anything to my dad about his behaviour. And to add to this experience, a few days later, when my mum was icing my birthday cake (so my brother tells me), my dad said 'haha, why don't you put ''no gucci'' on the cake'.

There are many stories like this. Some involving booze, others displaying a complete lack of integrity from my dad and flakeyness from my mum. They usually result in me bickering with my mum for being a wimp (so she essentially gets bullied twice..) - and my dad's behaviour always goes unchallenged, because we're all scared of him (when he gets angry it is terrifying). My brother tends to stay out of it... The one and only time I expressed disapproval of his behaviour he was being rude to my mum and I 'tutted' at him - he chased me out of the house and yelled 'you posh bitch'. I was at university at the time, so I wonder if this choice of words were related to that as he seems to dislike anything related to being upwardly mobile.. he loves money but loves to be a cheap-skate.

When I was 25 - this is where the latest saga begins, which has been going on for 8 years now (I'm now 33) and has now resulted in me not speaking to my parents for the last 2 months.... My mum was an only child and had always promised that when she gained her inheritance from her mother, she would see to it that me and my brother were set up with houses and given a substantial deposit. My mum used to bring this up all the time, right from when I was a teenager and would use the phrasing 'little or no mortgage'. There is nothing that unusual about this, lots of people get help with their mortgage deposits... When I think back though, she never said anything in front of my dad....

My grandma passed away in 2007, leaving behind a property in London and substantial savings - I think an estate of possibly £500k. So plenty to go around as my parents house was paid off years earlier. Straight away, my dad swept in and took control of things.

In the last 7 years, I have watched my dad go mad with all this money - when I say mad, it's like he can't relax or sleep at night because he has too much... he's uprooted my mum and has created a stressful, financially unproductive and lonely living situation for them. He made my mum leave her job because he suddenly had an urge to move to Spain - but it was all done in such a rush I could see that he wasn't really serious - he bought a new car for the 1-way journey, got his dogs chipped and bought ferry tickets. Six weeks later HE changed his mind (too hot in Spain) and they were back. My mum was a bit sheepish but she just goes along with it all. If he's have decided that it was great in Spain, then she would have had to go along with that too - even though she never had any desire to live abroad and was very upset about the whole thing.

As soon as they returned, out of no where, he set about looking for a new house / new life for them in Dorset (they lived in Milton Keynes). It was completely random and I felt that my dad was doing all of these knee-jerk antics because the money was burning a whole in his back pocket... they have now had this house in Dorset for over five years. My mum has often been tearful saying how lonely she is. My dad is also very unsettled there and drives back to Milton Keynes several times a month - for all sorts of reasons (getting his car serviced, going to the dentist, going out getting drunk...?!)... they spent most of their time on the motorway. They often talk of 'sticking it out another year'.. whilst this has been going on, they've also owned two different houses back where they live - which they spend half the time squatting in and the other half trying to rent out - but because my dad is controlling and can't stand people using his stuff, he keeps visiting the tenants (again, another excuse to drive to Milton Keynes on a sometimes weekly basis).. for a long time, I kept pointing out that they money they are making on owning a second property / renting it out, they are actually wasting by trying to live in the property (when it's vacant) and also all of the petrol! He is literally trying to live in two places at once. Both houses are scruffy and dirty. My dad is like an indoor tramp. I try to talk to my mum about their existence (being so unsettled, stressful) but she just blocks me out.

Other than this all being very frustrating to watch, I strongly believe that my dad has set up this new life for them as a way to siphon off all of the money (''I need two houses'') because he doesn't want to share it with his two children, which is what my mum had promised. Aside from the stupid way he has carried on, this is what he has done to me, during this same period:

When I was expecting my first child (in 2010), me and my partner (now husband) decided to purchase our first house. DH's parents approached us and offered to give us £25k, which was very nice. There was no fuss and they were very kind about it. No such offer came from my parents - they suddenly because very hands off about the hole thing. My dad was very wrapped up in all his 'money shuffling' at the time... In the end, I very nervously asked my mum if she'd be willing to contribute £5000 to help with our deposit. She said 'yes' in a nice voice, but then suddenly went quiet and said that i'd better ask my dad. Instead of discussing it with him herself, she scuttled off and left it to me to ask him. I didn't hear anything for a few days and was beginning to feel fretful. In the end I phoned up and my mum quickly handed the phone to my dad (my brother later told me that she ran and hid in another part of the house). I mumbled my request to my dad and I could tell he was absolutely furious at the idea of sharing. It is a very crazy reaction I know - most people would just say 'yes' or 'no' - but he gets very emotional over 'his' money... he was hissing down the phone at me asking when I would be paying it back and then practically hung up. My brother said that after the phone call, he got himself really drunk and yelled at my mum, making her shake and was saying 'she'll wipe us out Rosemary'. They then left me hanging for two months. Although I was terrified and stressed after the phone call, I was also increasingly angry with my mum as she just buried her head in the sand and whenever I spoke to her she wouldn't bring up the topic of the £5k and just whittled on about the weather. In the end, my dad decided to give me the money and presented me with a cheque. Of course, by this point, I didn't want it - after the way they had treated me - upsetting me when I was pregnant, to the point where I was too afraid to visit them and causing me all that embarrassment and worry. I had to swallow my pride and take the money because we'd declared the 'gift' on our mortgage application.

During the time of my pregnancy, my mum slipped me a pack of wet wipes (£1) and they way she went about it, she was almost like 'don't tell your father, wink''. Not to be ungrateful, but I thought it was pathetic. My friends gave me a baby shower and my other family members were very excited (and generous) but I felt like my mum had to damped her excitement because of my dad's philosophy that merriment 'costs money'. He's fixated with the 'cost' of everything, rather than the intrinsic value

This leads on to the next life event that they ruined...
Before having my first child, me and my then DP got engaged. When we went to visit them the next day, I heard my dad say 'i won't buy any alcohol'. Considering my dad likes a drink, I felt he was being a bit of a cheap skate (he likes buying drink for himself perhaps - not sharing it!). It upset me a bit as my DH's family bought champagne when we went to to see them a day or so later. They didn't send a card (perhaps my mum couldn't get sanction for this purchase from my dad?). We left it a year before seriously starting to plan the wedding as my DH was born...
When we did start to arrange our wedding day, we decided to go for a fairly traditional wedding. I know there's a lot to be said for weddings being a waste of money, but I shouldn't feel forced in to feeling like that... everyone is our social circle has similar kind of weddings to the one we were going for (barn conversion, sit down meal for 120 people, speeches, band, lovely dress etc etc), I've been to lots of weddings like this since...
This is how far I got with our wedding:
We booked a venue in Oxfordshire and a photographer
We sent 'save the dates' to our friends
I got beautiful hand made cards created for my bridesmaids as a way of asking them to take part in the wedding
I started going to bridal boutiques to try on dresses.

DH's parents were very excited and proud.

Every time I spoke about the wedding to my mum and dad, they would go all quiet, or change the subject, or make comments as though I had ideas above my station. This was all about a year after the saga with the house deposit, but I pressed on... My mum didn't offer any help at all of show an interest - I think my dad had told her to keep away from it all. I was getting increasingly irritated with her and disgusted with my dad. I text my mum to tell her I'd found my wedding dress and would be going to pick it up. No response.... So I had to take my MIL to pick it up... I tried to press on.. Two weeks later I took my M&D to my inlaws house so I could try on my dress for my mum. Her reaction was utterly bizarre. Instead of gushing and being all happy (maybe that's just how people act in films, I don't know), she was sort of quiet and off. She didn't say much. My MIL was v.miffed. Anyone would think she hated it - but I know she would have been under strict instructions not to get involved in this wedding malarkey - any excitement might result in him having to fork out... That was the last straw... I felt utterly heartbroken. It wasn't just because I'd had to pay for my own dress, it was their entire attitude. Two days later I cancelled the wedding and two weeks later me and my DH (and our 1 y/o DD) jetting off to Barbados and got married in secret. Of course for a few months afterwards I played the 'big weddings are a waste of money' card so as not to loose face - but the truth is, I was livid and humiliated... I'd upset and offended my MIL & FIL, let down my bridesmaids, DH missed out of his stag do... it was a shambled. And my parent's were so thick skinned about it.. .they weren't embarrassed in front of my inlaws and acted 'pleased for us'. We had a wedding reception in the pub (which my dad did pay for) but because I had to sort everything out and they were very hands off (and later my brother said that my dad 'hated' the fact that he had to pay for the reception - which was about a 10th of the cost of the original wedding that my DH would have had to fund!!) - and the most upsetting part was that after my DH made a lovely speech, my dad just stood there and said nothing. He hadn't bothered to prepare anything as he's been viewing houses again all morning (his house buying / moving addiction was still going strong!) -there was an awkward silence, broken by my FIL loudly raising a toast. I felt really disappointed. Also, because they'd been swanning around doing their own thing on the morning of the reception, my MIL had to get me ready - and my mum didn't care that she'd missed out on this either, as she was just following my dad around.. I didn't think she has a clue what's involved in a proper wedding (etiquette / special occasion-wise) - my dad likes her to not know too much about anything I think, as it could lead to 'cost'...

Five years later I am still seething that my mum made me buy my own wedding dress and didn't show any interest when I was planning my wedding - and I hate the fact that she can't grasp the social embarrassment us canning the wedding caused, especially with my inlaws, she just acts oblivious to it all... my dad hasn't given any of it a second thought I don't think.
A bit more recent stuff to follow… so sorry ….. xx

Its really not about the money is it. Its the thought (or absolute lack of). It is somehow more hurtful when you come from a disfunctional family, marry into a functional one because wonderful ILs really make you draw comparisons with your own, and suddenly you realise what youve missed out on. I think some counselling may help you accept the past, or at least learn to live with you.

I think the decision about contact has been made for you. Your dm is a victim of abuse. Please reach out to your mum and let her know that you are there if she needs you. You never know, she might see the light. She might not if she thinks its normal that he controls the spending. I think shes of the genration where marriage is everything, and you must standby your husband no matter what. That makes it incredibly difficult to communicate that no actually, this isnt what marriage is supposed to be like.

And write off any money that you have been promised by dm. If anything materialises it will be a pleasant surprise.

Sometimes you have to walk away. Your in laws sound fantastic. Embrace the love and support they offer X

thank you redexpat - yes that are certainly a thoughtless pair...

Thank you, yes you a right... I've certainly written off any expectations of financial help. I think putting equity in to your children's mortgage is a really good thing to be able to do (i don't think this equates to being ''spoilt'') but I'm over that tbh... I've probably been disinherited by now (my dad is quite swift with his decisions) - I don't care, I wouldn't want a penny of their grubby money anyway...

I just won't make the same errors with my children - and will try to set a good example of what civilised behaviour looks like, esp to my DD.

xx

You are right to look to the future and its probably too late for your Mum-but if you do have contact with her try not to bicker with her for being a wimp. In her day she would have been advised to be nice, try to keep the family together etc. (not to LTB)-and your contact time with your Dad-had he bothered with you- would have been a nightmare.
You sound more angry with your Mum than your Dad. Yes-she has let you down but he's the one who's a bully.
She is choosing still to do whatever he demands though-having been worn down-so letting go and enjoying the good things in your life seems the best option.

You do seem to have expected your parents to pay for your wedding!! These days that is not that common, most people I know paid for their own weddings, for you to harbour all this resentment because "your mum made you buy your own wedding dress" is terribly entitled! And I suspect you cancelled the big wedding because you couldn't afford it without help from your parents - in which case you should never have planned it!
The inheritance was never your money in the first place, your mum may have talked about sharing it with you but the money wasn't yours.

I do get where you are coming for but I also suspect that your Mum is now very afraid of any conflict and is therefore also a bit frightened of the arguments with you. Would she consider just talking to someone from Women's Aid? -Your Dad is about to get them both into a very big mess. Before stopping contact with her I think that I would tell her that you are concerned about her and suggest this to her. She's an adult though and you can only suggest it.
If you approach her in a gentler manner you might get further.

We could have afforded our wedding - I just felt embarrassed that my IL's had given us £25k and then a year later my DH and I had to pick up the bill for the wedding (which we could afford by the way), esp when my parents were comparatively wealthier than all of us... It was also their attitude whilst I was trying to arrange it, playing it down, changing the subject, acting miffed as though they didn't like me for participating in something they they saw as 'middle class'.

It's like if you're at a bar and you avoided getting the next round in when it was your turn - it doesn't matter if the others in the group have their own money - its courtesy. My husband could have afford to pay for his stag do (not that he had one) but again, it's just civil for the other stags to pay for him... it's not about the 'cost' - it's about showing willing and being generous when a celebration takes place in the family. This is quite usual in all culture / class / income groups.

Anyway - if all I've done is be a bit precious about my wedding dress, that hardly makes me a terrible person.

My dad has never been challenged about his drinking, scaring his wife and children with shouting and abuse over the years, and his ongoing mercenary behaviour when it comes to money / inheritance, embarrassing our family when my son was born etc etc.. and now I've made a stand about it they've shut me off.... great.

Thanks Auntacid .... my mum really is past helping... I think in a funny way she's sort of happy in her little world, it's me who essentially is the trouble maker in the family, objecting to this and that... she's clearly stated her preference that I disappear, as, yes, it is scary for her when my dad gets in a rage...

If I were in your shoes I would send my mother a personal message including what is in your last sentence and then tell her that she has put up with abuse for years-that Women's Aid might be able to help and that you will be there for her if she needs you in the future but if she chooses to go along with your Dad that's her choice.

Cross posted-if that's how she wants it she has made her choice.

thank you again Auntacid for your trouble and time x

While undoubtedly your parents are pretty awful, I think the main criticism you level at your mum is that she's not been strong enough to stand up to your dad or challenge his behaviour. However, you are also guilty of doing this, by taking all your frustrations out on your mum, rather than going direct to him.

If I were you, I'd write him a long letter, explaining everything that you feel with regard to his behaviour. Then I'd burn it and never see or speak to them ever again. I think your life would be better without the stress of having them around, but that is of course a big step and one you should not take lightly.

What does your DB think of all this? What's his relationship with them like now?

thank you - yes I know I am on the cusp of that - and certainly not taking it lightly (the main reason for this post)...

I know, you are right, all three of us are scared of him - hence all the falling out... I have always been aware what a hypocrite I am, complaining at my mum then falling silent as soon as my dad appears..

My brother lives with them and while he agrees with me to a point (and he knows my mum had promised him a massive deposit too!), he is very placid and laid back (doesn't really care about weddings or owning a house anyway.. eternal backpacker type) - so in comparison to him I am probably a massive diva... He seems to have stopped talking to me too (over my critiisms of their latest 'house buying shambles' and the drunken thing when my son was born... I think he's fed up of me banging on about it all and he feels sorry for my mum. The last thing I said to him was that I know they aren't talking to me because my dad can't take being challenged and my mum has run out of excuses....

thank you so much for your views, it is very much appreciated and thank you for taking the time to read this far!! I really appreciate hearing your take on it - everyone... x

Oh flighty, this is such a hard story to read! I strongly advise you to stay NC and build on your own family. We have negative and difficult in laws and going NC was the best thing we ever did, it was like we had been held underwater by them and we whooshed to the surface and bounced free. Until the influence of your father is lifted, you will waste so much time and effort being angry with him or your mum - think of all the time you take to analyse the 'whys'. The 'why' is this - he only thinks of himself. He panders to his every need and whim and takes no one else into account. Make yourself free of it and don't look back.

Sounds a bit like my family except that my father wasn't quite so bad and my mother a lot worse: she blamed me for the problems from birth and

The money thing, you are very lucky to have one set of family that help you financially, and by so much as well. Many of us get no financial help from anyone ever. You will just have to learn to accept what you have with thanks and let the rest from your birth family go.

The emotional side is bloody hard. Your mother is a victim, but all you can do is send the message about contacting women's aid and then leave it. It is a bad situation, but there is only ever so much you can do. Especially when they kick out at you for it. Try to think of it as something you are well out of and concentrate on your own kids.

I can't help thinking while reading your OP you are very bothered about money more than your DM. You come across as angry with her that she's not standing up to your DF who sounds like an abusive bully. Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship will know how hard it is to leave and change.

Would you want your parents telling you how to spend your money? Leave them to spend their money how they wish. That is not your business.

I know you want to cut contact with them and some of the shitty things your DF has done I don't blame you but I feel that your DM is probably scared and frightened of him and rocking the boat, so if it was me I would leave the door ajar to support her.

You have your own family to think about so concentrate on them but let your DM know if she need help or support you'll be there for her.

Worzel has put her finger on something I couldn't quite identify. It is easier to blame your Mum because she is weak.
You say that you are irritated with her for not being a strong woman but you are also afraid of your father.
It will be much healthier for you to focus on your own family but let your Mum know that you will be there if she needs you in the future. This is a very complicated and upsetting situation. You may benefit from counselling when you have had a decent break from them.

I think the OP is frustrated with her mother because her mother represented hope. She appeared to understand the problems her daughter was having and indicated that she would set things right when she could.

Sadly when the time came her mother couldn't follow through (perhaps inevitably).

What an absolute MESS!

Your parents are both addicts - your dad to, well, just about anything and everything; your mum to your dad. In afraid I don't feel sorry for her (and I have been a victim of domestic abuse): she chooses him over her children.

Your family life has been one endless head fuck - and will continue to be, will very probably get worse.

Wave goodbye to that money, you're never going to see it.

Get some therapy. Read up on dysfunctional families/parents. Go to al-anon (or read up on it). Look out for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families support groups. Get into the recovery community.

Your brother has checked out from all the madness, the eternal drifter: ostrich-style.

Keep away from them. You have a stable family, stable ILs, make them your focus.

And do you really want your kids to get mashed up in this hideous headfuck machine, as you and your brother were? Thought not. It's never, ever going to end. It'll go on until they peg it. So get out from the maelstrom. You may see them a bit later on but PLEASE disengage. Specifically resist getting caught up in the chaos. It's their life, they've chosen it, you have your own life, step away.

There is absolute zero you can do about their bonkers, chaotic, mad, insane choices.

You have to go cold turkey, basically. Your family home has a highly addictive element to it and you've been mashed up in that.

Hold on, get through the withdrawals, it passes. Just hold on until does

Thank you springdaffs x

On reflection, I feel confident about keeping away from them and focusing on my own family - I am quite ready to leave them to it and focus on my own family.

However, what I will say to some of the posters is: Money IS important - and the way one is treated with regards to money pays a huge part in relationships. It's important to have a healthy respect for money and to act with integrity and care when in possession of money. That's what I will try to teach my children.

I think it's simplistic to judge someone who feels they have been wronged over the subject of 'money' (due to it being a dirty word).

Yes I have been frustrated and ranted a lot because I was promised a portion of my mum's inheritance and then my dad decided to keep it all for himself - and it does add insult to injury when I watch him wasting it on his muddled lifestyle, uprooting him and my mum, drinking and being selfish.

It is a very complex issue and I am very grateful to everyone who has commented for offering their thoughts.

I'm going to keep away from them now and I won't feel guilty about it. I agree - it will go on until they peg it - so I will disengage and train myself to drop the subject. I feel like my frame of mind has already changed a little in the past 24 hours - largely from the support of this thread. Thank you x

Oh yes, MAJOR to be cheated out of that money! HUGE

I think in this situation, where money has been dangled as a carrot and then withdrawn, it is hugely important. Whilst you're not entitled to money from your parents, it was offered, just like the watch, and then withdrawn, which is obviously upsetting to you.

Your mother is a victim, but when she allowed her husband's abuse to impact her children, she became complicit in his abuse and that's just not on.

Your Dad sounds awful, however you sound a bit entitled. My parents never paid a penny towards a house for me or the big wedding I had. You also assumed they should buy your dress, contribute towards your house and act shocked that your DH payed something instead. That's life for most of us!!

Your Dad sounds a nightmare, but I don't get how you came to the assumption it's a given that parents pay for weddings and house deposits. That's not how the real world works.

I think the money is mainly symbolic of the father's control and the mother's inability to stand up to him. Its not so much that the OP is entitled but that the mother was unable to fulfill her promises because she is so afraid of her husband.
I doubt that the mother is addicted to the father -I suspect that she is just totally intimidated by him.