does anyone else have a very 'emotionally shut off' friend?

[berylbainbridge]

I've known her for about 6 years and feel that I have barely got past a certain level of friendship with her. I know she's a 'private' person but rightly or wrongly I sometimes feel frustrated at how surface-y our friendship still is after all these years. She doesn't have many other friends and I know she sometimes struggles with low mood etc. I suppose I'm just very different and enjoy having a good level of intimacy with a few close friends. This makes me sound very judgy and horrible and I'm really not I just can't articulate well that it actually sort of hurts that I'm kept so much at arms length by her as she's probably the friend I see the most at the moment!

Right. She's probably not doing it to hurt you - you know that, right? People who feel low about themselves tend to resist intimacy because since they don't think they are lovable, they don't see how anyone else could see them as lovable either.

Can you feel compassion rather than hurt?

Now, in terms of how to fix it, if you want to: be kind, be patient, and if you feel like it, tell her that you're her friend and you'd like her to open up more to you. It probably is an eternal surprise to her that anyone would want to know her more.

No I know she isn't. I am very available for her and she does occasionally open up to me. I have experienced depression and anxiety and am pretty introvert myself. It's always me that invites her here and when she does open up I try to listen and validate etc. But sometimes it feels so one-sided. I think I've been to her house around 6 times in the time I've known her. I think I've accepted her the way she is and then I get waves of frustration and yes, hurt. I think I want more from her then she is prepared to give and I need to reel in my expectations of her clearly.

maybe she has something like Aspergers and finds the whole social thing really difficult

Although I'm not qualified to say so, I seriously doubt she has ASD. She can function very well in social situations although (like me) she is introvert and finds them quite draining.

Tell her you're hurt, then. It's your truth, and it may teach her something.

I've been that closed off friend, and I can tell you it came as a HUGE surprise to me when friends told me they were disappointed that I:

• had not told them when I was in their city
• had not opened up about romantic troubles I was having

In my mind, I was sparing them. Because my low self-esteem monster tells me that no-one wants to see me or hear me, really... I was really gobsmacked that anyone did, in fact, want to be around me and to have me open up to them. I hated feeling that I had hurt them, once they told me.

Your friend is just in her own world with her own beliefs about the right way to behave. Tell her you'd like different behaviour, and why. It may help both of you.

I'm emotionally reserved which probably comes across as shut off. I don't know the reason why she is but I can tell you why I am and hopefully that might help you understand her better?

I am the youngest of 2, born into a family with an alcoholic mum and a workaholic dad. It wasn't a bad childhood and they weren't bad people (mum did stop drinking in my teens), but where as my sibling acted out to get attention, I didn't. I learned to be emotionally self sufficient, filing away feelings in my mental boxes I had. I got remarkably good at shutting the lid on the bad stuff - didn't mean it didn't bubble to the top every now and again but if it did I dealt with it. I became a child ruled by logic and a bit of a problem solver.

Now as an adult I have been accused of being cold many times, but this is unture, although it will probably appear that way to some. I do have feelings, I just don't express them much (except to my dog oddly). My friends became concerned when my mum was dying and I was visiting the Hospice daily, because I wasn't sharing how I was feeling but simply put, I didn't see the need to share -it wouldn't change anything, but I did appreciate them being there. I have few GOOD friends and one best friend and I am always there for them, in my own emotionally stunted way to support when needed (but will admit to getting fustrated when emotions tend to lead actions - but thats my problem) and practical help - I'm better at practical help. I do get low at times but I don’t seek out people when I am, I like to be alone they have learned not to take this personally. I simply don’t understand the reliance on others for our own emotional wellbeing (said not in a judgy way)e.

I think I am babbling now so I'll wrap it up by simply putting; I am a product of my childhood. I am sure that if I were to enter counsiling I might learn to be different but that’s a scab I don’t particularly want to pick but, I don’t have people in my life that I don’t want to be and I love those that are, more than likely if you are in her life she considers the same for you.

Yes, I do.

To be honest, I find it frustrating and she is not one of my "favourite" friends as a result.

In my opinion you get out what you put in with friendships and she doesn't put much in. She never shares details of her life, when I ask her how she is I just get "ok thanks", if I invite her somewhere I quite often get a refusal.

I am fairly quiet myself and certainly not the life and soul of the party, but I do feel that she puts a wall down more than is usual. In fact, I see her as model of how NOT to be.

Well, you summed it up here:

I suppose I'm just very different and enjoy having a good level of intimacy with a few close friends.

Yes, you are different to her. Perhaps she can't be the friend you want, or doesn't want to be. Don't take it personally. Some people are perfectly happy being different to you, and it isn't a reflection.

Tell her how you feel but don't expect her to change. If you can't be friends with her how she is, and that's fine by the way, perhaps think about putting some distance between you two, because it sounds like it is more upsetting for you than it is for her.

On a personal level, I am that friend. Your opening post pretty much sums me up, actually. I have a few amazing friends who understand me and accept that that is how I am and we have a lovely time together and I love them lots. I have a couple of friends who I am intimate with, but to be honest, past one or two people, that stuff is SO draining. I have one friend who is pushing me for more and it feels like she is literally digging under my skin, like it's actually painful and exhausting and I can't cope ... I don't know how to tell her, so I keep her at an arms length.

I accept that the way I am drives some people away, and I have lost friends because of it (mostly work friends wanting more than just work interactions) I can live with that, though, because I know that being someone else to keep them around makes me so utterly miserable

I'm also that friend and am aware that i have to be comfortably into a conversation before i open up. Even with my closest friends, if the opening question is what have you been up to, I usually clam up and say 'not much'. But once I've warmed up with general non-personal chat then I become more open. It is an esteem thing, I think the other person won't be interested in what I have to say but once a dialogue is going I become more confident.

I'm probably 'that person' too. I need to feel very very safe before I open up. Possibly something to consider.

I'm that person too and ricecrispies and tippytappy are spot on as to why re. self sufficiency and a tricky childhood.

My friends respect that and see I make an effort to be close even though I find it extremely difficult - scary even. I would say I have some good qualities too - they can come to me for advice and know I'll be fair and logical and I won't lie/slag them off behind their backs. I'm fun to be with but sadly I can't have that very close friendship with them, but they don't mind now we're grown as they have that relationship with others.

I am aware that when we were younger they would get annoyed that I didn't share my problems and saw it as me not trusting them, but over the years they've found out that I am very caring and emotional but my background makes it nigh on impossible for me to open up.

I must add that social situations for me can be very awkward, so the fact that she shows up to see you is probably a huge step for her and maybe you could respect that and enjoy the lighter side of life with her.

I have a friend like this. I love her too bits but it can be tough. She opens up occasionally but then if you offer support or ask her how things are the following week and the gates come slamming down again and you have to run fast to avoid being squashed! I've just had to accept that although we can have a laugh together she doesn't want that level of closeness (I don't think it is just me). It is hurtful and can make me feel vulnerable when I've opened up to her (like she holds all the emotional cards in our relationship) but I know she doesn't mean to be unkind and she is trustworthy and good fun. Maybe, like someone else said, she feels like I am trying to dig under her skin when I ask how things are - which is a horrifying thought!

The thing is I have had a tricky childhood and low self esteem and it hasn't affected me in the same way. Obviously I'm aware it affects different people in different ways though. And I really don't push her for intimacy or try to get under her skin in any way. I just need to withdraw a bit obviously if it's bothering me as much. I think I was just sounding off about it. I do understand that not everyone wants or needs a lot of intimacy with friends but I know for a fact she has no real contact with other friends.

I think the difference in the way that low self esteem operates in me is that once someone proves they are trustworthy etc then I will open up. I'm not boasting in that I am very easy to trust and am good at building rapport with people but it just doesn't seem to 'work' (for want of a better word) with her. I think it hurts my own fragile ego! Oh dear that sounds very self centred

Daphne - That's what my friends said to me when we were younger - they were angry that I had listened to their problems but hadn't shared anything back. I had no idea that was what they wanted until they told me. But it didn't change anything, I simply couldn't open up and I just apologised profusely. Luckily, they grew to understand as little bits and bobs would come out every now and again.

The other thing I had to learn was to ask them questions about how their day was going, try and remember recent things that had happened to them and ask them how it had gone etc. It took me years to realise that whilst I didn't want anyone asking me those things they would like me to ask them. This stems from my childhood again as no-one was interested in my feelings/what had happened to me and so I never learned that this sort of general conversation was normal.

It's quite hard being that person who never learned to share emotions. It's not like I didn't want to when I was a child, it was just I was punished emotionally if I did (was told I was oversensitive or crazy). So I learnt to keep it all in locked in a little box.

Oh no don't be horrified Daphne You sound like a lovely and understanding friend. I was referring to a woman who Just. Will. Not. Give. Up. Ever.

I wish she would. I like her, but just don't want to share the ins and outs of my deepest emotions with her. She does have a few friends who are that intimate but I think she thinks that's the only kind of friend there is. I have actually tried to kindly tell her that, but that resulted in her going off on one about how I must be so depressed and asking if I am signed off work yet and obviously I can talk to her if I want (!)

I hate it when people think they need to "fix" me to fit their own ideals of friendship, or assume that I must be unhappy. I am really very happy just weird I suppose!

Another thing I do which can be a bit weird for others is emotionally detach or zone out when I find a situation stressful so I can seem uninterested when actually I've shut down because I can't cope. Or I can talk about things that others find upsetting but I have no idea.

Wheelsonabus sorry your childhood has affected you this way. Is it just friendships or with other relationships too?

Are you one of my friends op?
I am also one of these people. Interestingly enough ds has Asperger's and I strongly suspect that I do too. From the outside I function well in social situations but find it hard to express or even feel certain emotions and when faced with a social situation I'm constantly questioning whether I've got the 'etiquette' right. Don't take it personally that your friend doesn't want to open up, I'd hate to think I'd offended anyone by being distant (this has happened in the past).

beryl how do you know for sure has no other real contact with other friends?

Because I know her daily routine (in a non-creepy way! as she knows mine) and she will tell me if she has seen other people or not.

Oh god you could be writing about me and If it is me... I'm sorry, I appreciate your friendship and this is just the way I've learnt to protect myself from a VERY difficult childhood and adolescence. Please don't give up you are really valued

I think it's very unlikely to be you bumble so don't worry. Unless you live in R suburb of L?!

You could be describing me too.

I am constantly frustrated by the superficiality of my friendships and lack of intimacy. I'm on the fringe of my social group. I don't have any close friends.

I don't really know what I'm doing wrong, or how to be any different.

It's because of emotional abuse during my childhood, adolescence and adulthood until my late 30s. It's the way I protect myself too.

Reading this it could be me too, I don't know how to be close friends with anyone. I too feel It was to do with my childhood, not bad as such but mother had mental health problems and was in and out of hospital and father who was always at work. There is something emotionally wrong with me but I really don't know if that's a scab I want to pick as someone said above in the thread. I have low self esteem although I may appear confident I am not. I am saddened by the fact I have no close friends. Don't know how to change it either, feel like it's too late.