does anyone else have a very 'emotionally shut off' friend?

[berylbainbridge]

I've known her for about 6 years and feel that I have barely got past a certain level of friendship with her. I know she's a 'private' person but rightly or wrongly I sometimes feel frustrated at how surface-y our friendship still is after all these years. She doesn't have many other friends and I know she sometimes struggles with low mood etc. I suppose I'm just very different and enjoy having a good level of intimacy with a few close friends. This makes me sound very judgy and horrible and I'm really not I just can't articulate well that it actually sort of hurts that I'm kept so much at arms length by her as she's probably the friend I see the most at the moment!

My mother had mental health problems (to say the least!) Looks like there are lots of us about!

Beryl, do you mind me asking what you class as things you want your friend to open up about?

I have to say there are things I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about with anyone no matter how much I care about them as a friend or how much I trust them.

What is superficial and what do you think they should be alking about with you?

Naice I'm saddened byit too. And I have no idea how to change it.

I have tried, but fail every time.

I suppose it's more about reciprocation than 'opening up'. I recently told her about the fact I have been referred for cbt for example and that dh and I had a bad patch. It comes out on natural conversation for me. Whereas for her, although I know all is not well with her own mental health (she drops hints but doesn't ever expand) and her own dh works ridiculously long hours leaving her alone with 3 demanding dc, she never properly opens up. Perhaps it's my own emotional diahorrea which is the problem

You know, I don't think she does it on purpose. There obviously is some kind of barrier for her that's nothing to do with me. I'm choosing to take it personally when I shouldn't really. I'm probably as close as friend as she's willing to have.

I know all is not well with her own mental health (she drops hints but doesn't ever expand) and her own dh works ridiculously long hours leaving her alone with 3 demanding dc, she never properly opens up.

Seems to me in the examples you give that she is just being discreet and may feel uncomfortable about giving details beyond the essentials. Personally I value those qualities in a person, if you told her something in confidence she is more likely to respect that and not speak to other people. But that's just an assumpton. don't discount her as a friend is what I mean.

Beryl, you sound like a wonderful friend to have.

I am like your friend too except that there are times when I am so unhappy and lonely that I wish I could talk to my (two) friends about it, but other than brief expressions of sympathy they don't show any sign of wanting to talk about it, which just makes the vicious cycle worse.

I was brought up to feel that my emotions were a nuisance for my parents so either I shouldn't have any problems or I should keep them to myself. So revealing them feels shameful and humiliating and I also assume other people don't want to know.

I also don't have any idea how you're "supposed" to start a discussion about a problem.

I'm saying all this because some PPs have suggested that maybe your friend is more comfortable being "discreet" and simply choosing to keep things to herself, but actually she may not know how else to handle it.

beryl I'm another poster who's an emotional clam, like your friend. I don't really choose to be this way - I know I'm hard to get to know, and emotionally distant even with friends that I've known for years.

If its any consolation, your friend probably cares about you more than you know, even though she's not able to show it. What you consider a surface friendship may be very deep & meaningful for her.

Certainly, the fact I'm emotionally distant is one of the things I dislike most about myself. I know I'm hard to get to know, and I don't do it on purpose. Your friend may have built up this emotionally protective 'shell' for all sorts of reasons - perhaps she learned to be emotionally self-sufficient as a child? Perhaps she has been betrayed or emotionally bullied by others in the past?

I think you're a great friend for thinking so deeply about your friends needs and I do understand your frustration. You sound like a great friend to have.

Thanks to all of you offering a different perspective on this, I really appreciate it and it has made me realise that she most likely can't help it at all. I think she does appreciate our friendship - there are signs that she does. I think I do need to accept her friendship on the level she offers it.