Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

wonder if any1 else the same?

50 replies

steffy1 · 08/12/2006 15:00

my dp REFUSES to let me hv anotha baby. have 2 ds (4 & 2)and a step son (5). he just point blank refuses-ive been asking 4 a yr and now its getting to the point of unfairness. his reasons are 'fine how i am' and 'dnt wana get up in nites again'. and thats it! he excellent with kids we have now. i have tried seeing his point of view but i just dnt get it.we have big enuf house, enuf £, etc, he just keeps saying no. im not going to have my coil removed without his say so becoz thats not fair-ive tried patience, niceness, bribery, pleading, everything-even not mentioning it! any comments/ideas/experiences?

OP posts:

DizzyBinterWonderland · 08/12/2006 15:03

he has 3 kids and feels that that's enough, his baby days are over. fair enough i think.

what are your reasons for wanting another?

surely you wouldn't want to have another baby with him through bribery or whatever, knowing he doesn't really want it.

WigWamBahhumbug · 08/12/2006 15:04

Neither of you has the right to decide unilaterally how many children to have - it's a joint decision, and as much as it seems unfair for him to refuse you, it's equally unfair to force him into a baby he does not want. Having a big enough house and enough money isn't enough if he feels his family is complete.

You need to talk - calmly and rationally - and find out his real reasons for not wanting any more children. But you do need to be prepared for him to still say that he doesn't want any more.

bluejelly · 08/12/2006 15:05

I think you are blessed
I would so love to have another baby ( I only have one)
Also a nice dh (I have a nasty ex instead )
And enough money to support a family ( am getting more and more in debt)

You are really lucky compared to most. Don't waste time wishing for more ( in my humble opinion)

Original poster

steffy1 · 08/12/2006 15:05

my reasons.....thats a hard question! i just have the feeling alot that i havent had enuf yet-but i do worry that he may say yes and his heart not be in it, and that wud be worse. we are young and i feel that my baby days arent over.im trying to respect his wishes but sumtimes thats hard when u want sumfin so bad!

OP posts:

Original poster

steffy1 · 08/12/2006 15:06

he is nice now.......afta counselling and a DV perpertrators course.i do feel blessed when i look at them but just have a nagging feeling.

OP posts:

Original poster

steffy1 · 08/12/2006 15:08

oh i would never make/force him to have one, thats not right im my opinion. its just sometimes he says he does and other times he doesnt-maybe waiting a while would be good?

OP posts:

DizzyBinterWonderland · 08/12/2006 15:11

i would wait yes. and have a real think about why you want another. are you actually unhappy with things as they are?

Original poster

steffy1 · 08/12/2006 15:12

no not 'unhappy' as such...just a nagging tugging feeling like b4 i had the others. i do think a bit more of a wait wnt hurt, and then youngest mite b in school by then-more quiet time with baby!

OP posts:

wannaBeOnTopOfTheChristmasTree · 08/12/2006 15:14

I can understand your desire to have another baby but you also have to respect the fact that your dh doesn't want any more. Three kids is obviously enough for him, it's unfair of you to expect him to back down purely because it's what you want.

I would sit down and have a talk with him and discuss his reasons, but be prepared for the fact that his mind may be made up.

At least you have two children - would be far worse if you didnt have any and he said he didn't want any kids at all.

IMO sometimes you need to count your blessings and be grateful for the things you do have rather than spend time feeling sad about the things you don't/can't have. DH and I would desperately love to have another baby, but due to fertility issues that's just not likely to happen. But we have one ds who I am eternally grateful for - at least I have one, I can't spend my life feeling sad about the one I won't have.

DizzyBinterWonderland · 08/12/2006 15:15

if you're worried about what you'll do when they're all at school all day then maybe you could find something else to keep you busy, other than having another baby. work? training? education? maybe that would help if you're feeling there'll be a gap to fill.

Original poster

steffy1 · 08/12/2006 15:17

i do respect his wishes becoz as sum1 said earlier, i cant make him have one-i wouldnt make him have one-it has to be his final decisision on this. i wudnt want him 2 hv a child he didnt really want-nothing would be worse. he knows this too. and i will talk to him abit more calmly about it and c where we go-at the end of it i just want a happy family, with/without a new addition.

OP posts:

Original poster

steffy1 · 08/12/2006 15:18

im currently in my second yr of my degree-thats anotha reason y he says wait-so i can finish and then have one. he wants me to do well in other things other than being a mummy.

OP posts:

DizzyBinterWonderland · 08/12/2006 15:24

well there you are then! get your degree finished and be thinking what you'll do with it. it sounds like he's talking a lot of sense.

Original poster

steffy1 · 08/12/2006 15:25

i hat it when men might occasionally make a tiny bit of sense! i no logically thats right!

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 08/12/2006 15:46

It's as unfair for him to refuse you as for you to foist on on him without consent so a very difficult issue. Before we married we reached agrement on child numbers. I think people should talk about these things in pre marriage classes etc.

So either say I leave or we have another baby or learn to live with it or trick him. None of those are nice choices.

moondog · 08/12/2006 15:50

You're doing a degree???
Good God,you don't spell like this in your essays do you???

bluejelly · 08/12/2006 15:53

at last two comments

wannaBeOnTopOfTheChristmasTree · 08/12/2006 15:56

"I think people should talk about these things in pre marriage classes etc".

Sorry but ...

what a load of bollocks.

no-one can possibly know how they feel about the amount of children they want until they have actually had a baby. I for instance know one person who decided she wanted 3 or 4 children, who tried for her first baby for three years, and when that baby arrived she realized that she didn't actually enjoy being a mum and has absolutely decided she doesn't want any more. And by the same token I know lots of people who have fallen pregnant and not actually felt that maternal but when the baby has come along they have realized that they love it so much they have gone on to have more children than they would have anticipated.

I do believe that couples should discuss whether they do or don't want children at all, but to talk about numbers is unrealistic before you have actually had a child because you have no idea what it's like.

bluejelly · 08/12/2006 15:57

Absolutely agree.
Moondog that was a bit rude too
Lots of degrees don't require perfect spelling and lots of people write more informally online than the would when handing in essays.
Let alone people who do sculpture degrees/chemistry etc!

moondog · 08/12/2006 15:59

'lots of degrees don't require perfect spelling'

Am speechless.

For once.

bluejelly · 08/12/2006 16:00

And your point is?

My ex did a degree in theatre studies with severe dyslexia

wannaBeOnTopOfTheChristmasTree · 08/12/2006 16:00

to be fair though moondog, I'm sure Cod is fairly well educated?

need I say more

bluejelly · 08/12/2006 16:01

that sounds like a joint honours course doesn't it -- theatre studies with joint dyselexia

moondog · 08/12/2006 16:02

An MA in friendship bracelet making,body piercing and txt spk??

(Have recovered gift of speech thankfully.)

mousiemousie · 08/12/2006 16:04

Get a puppy, that is the traditional solution to this problem

Flip

1 2