Binders

[Wonderous]

Have I missed something... Binders third thread has disappeared.

It's so hard to see down the line right now, Binders. But the sun will shine again, really it will.

Just remember that you have done the right thing. And that you haven't wasted 24 years. You haven't. You have lived life. There have been good times. Even in the worst of relationships, there have been some good times. I'm decades away from my abusive marriage and it took me time to separate the 'wheat from the chaff' as it were. And I must admit that not many of the good memories contain my ex. But there were still times, places, and people I remember fondly that I wouldn't have had if I hadn't made that (admitted) mistake.

But for now, don't spend time looking backwards. It is what it is. Look forwards to peace and a life based in honesty. You have people, like Rotty, who love you. You will have a happy life. You really will!

Glad you're ok!

I know you're right Across.

Hey Chip, thanks for your message.

Glad you're doing okay Binders

Binders! I've been thinking about you. Sending you lots of love

Chin up binders.you've been through a huge amount in a very short time...it will get better, I promise...lots of love to you

Binders from one who knows...

The crap days massively outnumber the good days in the first year. In fact in the early months, the crap five minutes massively outnumber any 'okay-ish' five minutes. You can't fast forward to the second year.

BUT...whatever you are doing in your own head right now to reason the circumstances you're in, do whatever it takes to conquer that. That means making friends, getting out, and adopting an attitude of 'fuck you, fuck off, and 'go fuck the world'.

Obviously on the latter point, I'm talking attitude. Your sex life is up to you!

IF in any way, you're blaming yourself, regurgitating conversations/experiences/memories to reason your life. You're treading a path well trodden.

At some point we all come to the same conclusion: thank God they fucked up.

Just found this thread. Im so glad you're posting again. Im equally glad you missed the bunfight. I nearly PM'd you several times but I didn't like to intrude.
We are all still here if you need us and 99% of us thought you were totally kosher. Tbh if you had made it up at least it would have meant you weren't going through the shit you are going through.

Been thinking about you too Binders as couldn't find the thread, chin up, things will get better.

Thank you for the lovely messages and for thinking about me.

Lynne - thanks. Wish I hadn't had reason for the threads either. My original post was supposed to be pretty much a non-story until it turned into a car crash (if that's the right terminology) 14 years too late. P.s. you wouldn't have been intruding but thank you anyway.

WWK - gosh that is exactly what I seem to be spending all my time doing, regurgitating absolutely everything in my mind and it doesn't do anything, doesn't make me feel better or anything but I can't stop myself. As for my sex life (that did raise a smile WWK), I don't care if I'm celibate for the rest of my life - will stick with DIY - don't mean to be crude. No more men thanks.

My EX on the other hand has changed his Facebook to 'in a relationship'! (Not the OW th ok hasten to add). Why is it that the majority of men don't appear to be able to be on their own for more than 5 minutes? Of course now everyone who didn't know are all asking what's happened? Just more shit to deal with.

Honestly, WWK needs to change her username to SWK ; "She Who Knows"

Wow...your ex is such a wankstain.

I bet he just did that to be a dick.

If he is "in a relationship" she's found herself a real prize pig.

Wow, what an utter knob. Play the long game Binders, keep your dignity and in 5 years time you can take stock and be massively better off than that jerk of a cheating ex.

he is awful! Shitty things like this will be the things that make you feel relieved that you got out. Not immediately- but one day you will look back and know what a lucky escape you had.
So does that mean he's in a new relationship??! Or is he after a reaction? Either way, he's a dick

My EX on the other hand has changed his Facebook to 'in a relationship'! (Not the OW th ok hasten to add). Why is it that the majority of men don't appear to be able to be on their own for more than 5 minutes?

Binders (me again), there is a lot of research about the way that men/women who are bereaved find their 'new normal'. Most men (86%) find a new relationship within 6 months; most women (67%) batten down the hatches and don't even seek a 2nd relationship within 3-5 years. Susan Wallbank and Virginia Ironside did a lot of research into the different ways that men/women handle the physical loss of their partner. It isn't all about men wanting a new partner to cook and clean, it is [allegedly] the way that men are wired and being in a 'relationship' validates them.

I see a similar pattern in 'cheating relationships' that I read via MN, but I have no empirical evidence to back it up at the moment.

In my family, I and my two sisters are classed as 'young widows' (My elder sister widowed at 52yrs, I was then widowed 18 months later at 46 yrs, my younger sister widowed 6 yrs after me at 53 yrs old). None of us have sought a 2nd partner - but we could do if we wanted to. The family dynamics don't prevent that. We women just 'battened down the hatches' and haven't let anyone else into our lives. My Uncle was in a new relationship 6 months after my Aunty died - but we wish him happiness.

Men do appear to move on more quickly than women. But perhaps that is because they don't have to keep up the day-to-day family routine and offer stability to their child(ren) 24/7. I don't know Binders. I truly don't know.

I just feel that from I have read to help me cope with my own situation leads me to believe that men do move on more quickly. So you should NOT feel invalidated because your ex is in a new relationship so quickly. He has lost everything because contact with DS is via agreement and dependent on being a good Dad to DS. Please don't see his new relationship as 'stoking or poking you' or trying to get a reaction or anything like that. That will only stop your healing and working forward.

Of course it is disingenuous of him to use Facebook or any other social media to inform the world that he is 'happy and moving on in a new relationship'.

Can you suck it up and ignore for now?

You still came out with the best scenario from a rotten situation ..... a lovely 8 yr old DS who simply adores you and loves living with his Mummy, being with Aunty Rotty and has sleep-overs with cousins. Enjoy!

It's probably bull to try and upset you.

He sounds about 14. Who is in a new relationship so fast!

If not pity his new 'partner' with her sexually incontinent cheater of a new boyfriend.

Delete and block his Facebook so you have one less method of his shit to put up with.

She may have been a second OW.

Thank you everyone.

Sadwidow - Thank you, i will do exactly that and suck it up and ignore. I an definitely battening down the hatches. Your last paragraph is spot on x

Magoria - i have blocked as recommended.

Kerbs - Second OW? Who knows!

She has 2 little kids and there was à photo of them all together outdoors in their wellies walking across a stream having fun. That hurts me more. Hé doesn't put that effort into his own son! Assumé hé is trying to make a good impression, i give it 6 weeks til she realises he's not all that! Also really wasn't thinking thé whole scenario of him wanting DS meeting à new GF would be this soon. Her page has photo's of her and him in a loveheart - it's all very lovey-dovey! There is also a photo of them doing à selfie in bed. Surprised she has introduced him to her kids so quickly. Hope he isnt using her as somewhere to stay that isnt with his parents.

Wait, what? This is a different woman he's 'in a relationship' with per FB? I hate to say it, but it sounds to me as if OW/just a friend wasn't the only one he's been diddling with? I wouldn't have thought it would have been long enough to be in a bed selfie, met the kids type scenario since you split.

But I'm a different generation. Maybe things do move that fast these days.

Accross - no from what i understand she is new and you're not à different génération because its not usual behaviour of à normal and decent person.

Lots of other people obviously thought the same as hé started getting loads of stick from loads of people on fb with a couple of mates saying 'ignore the haters and enjoy yourself, she left you not the other way around' (that's obviously ref me). Now he has blocked à load of people.

Btw anyone know how to change a tablet back to English? It's turned French and cant seem to change it.

Blimey, he really is a prize douche. Selfies in bed , meeting new woman's kids, heart-shaped photos - it's all so goady emotionally incontinent. Who does this after a couple of weeks?

Re: tablet - if there's nothing in settings, try holding down the space bar for a couple ofs seconds and a language tab should open.

Lara - thanks that worked - much easier. It was taking ages before.

Who does this after a couple of weeks? It's all quite pathetic. As Magoria said he's acting about 14, unfortunately so is she. Advertising it I am sure is for my benefit.

It's really pretty pathetic, isn't it? Does he have no self-respect? It's funny, but if he was a woman his mates would be calling him 'desperate' or 'hard-up'.

I'm sure you're right, it's partially for your 'benefit', but I'd expect there's also a teeny bit of 'bruised ego' in there, too. You are so, so well rid of him!

BFF's ex did similar. He took up with a woman soon after she left and was bragging about it to his mates (knowing it would get back to her). She just rolled her eyes because the woman in question was known to all as the 'Town Pump'.

Her page has photo's of her and him in a loveheart - it's all very lovey-dovey! There is also a photo of them doing à selfie in bed

Whoa! What are you doing reading the OW's FB page? It was bad enough that you saw ex's FB page saying he was was 'moving on' but it is the 'new OW' who has ramped up the poking and the prodding - and you are falling for it. Block her page! She doesn't have the same parental values as you have (introducing her DCs to a new man so quickly) and she'll find some other way to wind you up. But also, you don't want your DS seeing a picture of his Daddy in bed with another woman so early in the process of breaking-up.

Do you know this woman at all? Was she in your friendship circle? What you have described appears to be so fast that even my head is spinning for you. Two weeks! Two weeks? No, I don't believe this has happened in 2 weeks.

Get those hatches battened down my lovely! (It is cosy under the hatches once you don't allow anything in to hurt you whilst you heal and progress yourself.) You decide when the hatches are re-opened - and you can take friends over the wall with you

Your DS is the most important child in this scenario and his emotional well-being must be paramount. But that must be the most important thing to your ex as well. Can you keep discussing what is best for DS without rising to the provocation from the 'new OW'?

SW x

Who does this after a couple of weeks? It's all quite pathetic. As Magoria said he's acting about 14

Sorry binders, I was so busy thinking through my last answer (and I walked the dog in the middle of thinking) I missed this bit.

IMO your ex has always been inclined to photograph his 'lady-dalliances'. That is how you found out about his on-going infidelity. Who on earth asks a woman to pose on his new sofa half-naked whilst he photographs the intimacy when she is due to be married to another man? And then he hides and keeps the photos in the family loft for 14 years. It is almost like he is gathering trophies of sexual conquests.

He is a prize prat! Time for him to step up to the plate and be a responsible father and role-model to DS.