mother never rings me. Is it time to just stop mentioning it?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

This is probably massively petty in the scheme of things, but it's playing on my mind...

I've lived in London for nearly five years now. I'm originally from the North East, so parents aren't exactly up the road.

In the past year there has been a massive tailing off in the number O times my mother calls me. I've mentioned it a few times (sometimes in tears) but nothing changes. For example...I went back home for a funeral five weeks ago, and I've spoken to her once since then (I rang her)

I know I'm a big girl and all that, but I feel really rejected that my own family never want to speak to me. They always say they are happy to see me when I go home, but I feel like they forget me the minute I walk out of the door.

It's probably pathetic of me to feel so sad about it, but I was wondering if anyone else can relate? (or give me a slap ??)

My DF never rang me I always had to ring him. My DH has had to ring all his family. I think someone would have to die before they would ring us.
We also visit. I have lived in my house for 30 years and my FIL has never been. They farmed and could not find anyone to look after the animals. mmmm
I always travelled with lots of DCs. Christmas would find us on the Motorway being mainly uncomfortable.
However, I do think your level of distress about this situation is sad. I am sure your DM loves you. She probably has a busy life. Was she a loving involved DM before your left? Perhaps she hates the telephone( some people do ) and if she has to pay for the call....... Well she may have been brought up to be very frugal and thinks it costs a lot.
My DF, even though he had plenty of money would not pick up the phone. He was just too frugal. He would walk 15 miles to save 10p.
I just used to ring them and pay. They were cheeky as if I left it for over a week, they would then complain, that I hadn't rang them.
How old is your DM ? . Anyone sixty odd will have darned socks and made their own clothes, etc etc.

What does your mother say when you mention it?

Sorry that you feel rejected :(

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences holeinmyheart. Just out of interest; did you ever ask your DF why he never called you?
I can totally relate to the Christmas on motorway thing. My parents have been to visit me once in five years, but I'm automatically assumed to be coming him for Christmas. Two years running now I've had the same family member (auntie) have a go at me over the Christmas dinner table.

DM has never been the girlies mother/daughter shopping trip type. She doesn't really like women tbh! She's mid sixties, and been retired for ten years. Not exactly rushed off het feet these days! Definitely not the frugal type. She likes lifes luxuries for sure

She does text me...just never calls. I live alone, hundreds of miles away. It just hurts me that she doesn't seem to consider that. My brother lives five minutes away from them, and she does his bloody shopping for him!

She says she's sorry I'm upset. Then tells me she does care, but xyz family member has been taking up her time due to illness etc, and then nothing ever changes.

I appreciate we have a few family members ill, and I understand it's stressful. I just want to talk to my mam sometimes though

I would just keep calling and maybe text before hand to say you are calling for a chat?

You say this tailed off a year ago. Did something happen then that might be a factor? Is she good at talking to you on the phone when you ring her? It might help to have a night when you ring, so every Wednesday or something.

What did your aunt have a go at you for at Christmas twice? Did anyone stick up for you?

My mum normally calls if she hasnt heard from me a while. I normally visit a couple of times a week, if I dont she gets a bit worried.

Tendon. I started a relationship, and I wasn't quite the emotional mess I'd been for the few years before hand. DM doesn't really approve of relationship ( there's a big age gap) That's honestly the only thing I can think of?

I actually can't even recall what first incident with Aunt was over. She accused me of being selfish, but then didn't elaborate. Nobody stuck up for me. Last year it was because I refused to collude with her incessant moaning about the service in the restaurant we were dining in for lunch. To be fair my DF did defend me that time. Still very hurtful though.

Just keep calling. Then perhaps every once in a while, text and say 'can you call me tomorrow' or something so she gets that it's her turn.

My mother does text to ask if I'm OK Tali. She just never calls me

Maybe shes just not a phone person. My friends exbf was like that. He didnt like talking on the phone.

My mum hasn't even rung to see how her grandson is after having a burst appendix 9 weeks ago. I know she knows as my sister told her and she stalk my Facebook too.

It's nothing to do with her not being a phone person. She will happily chat to people on the phone for hours.

Brie: That is truly awful. I hope your son is better now? I can't even begin to comprehend how somebody could behave like that.

My Mum never calls me, I always call her because I'm busier than she is, it's nearly always convenient for her to chat but only at certain times good for me. Absolutely no issues and we speak 2-3 times a week. Could this be why she leaves it to you?

Alexandra. I could accept that if it had always been that way, but it hasn't. She used to call me (or vice versa) a couple of times a week. There has been a very noticeable tailing off from her end over the past year. That's why I feel so upset.

I feel like I've done something wrong, but I don't even know what it is. I don't want to mention it (again) I get really upset (which is humiliating) Then she gets defensive and makes excuses ( which feel even more humiliating tbh)

I need to accept we just don't have the relationship I wish we did. I just need to find a way of not letting I make me feel so small & alone.

Yes whostheJohnsonnow I did ask my DF why he never rang me and he said ' well I never know when you are in'

I was thinking about your situation, and I have grown up DCs. I text a lot but don't ring so often because I don't want to be a nuisance. They are capable of being quite brusque with me because they are busy. On occasion they have said they will ring back, but didn't.
However I have more time to ponder than them, over every situation and I know I am overly sensitive ( lots of issues with my own childhood)
About your brother... My DM loved my brother more than me. He acknowledges it, and we discuss it as we are quite closeish. I still loved him. It isn't fair for a Parent to love one child over another but it happens.

Your reaction to your DM not phoning reflects quite a lot of insecurity in yourself really and your relationship with your DM. You say yourself she wasn't very touchy feely.
When you confront her she may not have the understanding or verbal skills necessary to satisfy your longing. When I confronted my DF about his behaviour he just went into batshite mode. It didn't help me at all. He had no idea about relating and empathising with anyone, sadly.

I think ultimately that there is little one can do about other people. We can only change ourselves. Counselling and Mindful helped me cope with my family.

Hope you are feeling more positive.x

I never call my grown up kids either as on several occasions in the past, I was left feeling as if I'd intruded or called at a time that was inconvenient and then I was told to just text so that's what I do. Recently been told off for not phoning and just texting! Can't win.

I've lived here for 9 years and my DM has never called me. Yeah it's a bit odd but she just expects everyone to call her. I think you'll just have to learn to accept it.

My mum never calls me either so I always call her - she's the same with my brother too. It doesn't bother me but it sounds like there are other needs she isn't meeting in your relationship.

Hokeinmyheart: My DM always acts very much like your DF did when I mention it. I get a barrage of "well, I can't do anything right can I?" "I must just be a terrible person" Etc etc. That's been her stock response to any perceived criticism since I was little.

I'm pretty sure I'm never brusque when she rings me. If I'm busy I always call her back later. I would like to think I'm pretty respectful of my parents in that sense.

I don't feel like she meets my needs tbh. Having said that I am a big girl of neatly 37, so perhaps it's time to just suck it up? My DF did comment last time that I was home that my mother and I "rub each other up the wrong way" and it makes him sad.

I think you're lucky.
My mother drives the extended family mad by constantly phoning. We dance attendance on her too

I used to call my mother rather than her calling me. I realised recently that it's always me calling my daughters rather than the other way round. Now I wait a bit before calling to see if they call me first, unless I have something immediate to say. They call me and it's lovely. Mothers can feel insecure too. Pick up the phone occasionally and call your mother.

Maybe she was pissed off that it was always her calling you twice a week and she thought she'd leave it for your to call her and found that you leave it a couple of weeks without calling so has cut down how often she calls accordingly?

If you want to speak to your mum then call her. Why sit there wanting to speak to your mum but wanting it to be her who phones you and when she doesn't just sitting there feeling sad about it? Just pick up the phone yourself. Why torture yourself? I don't know why your mum has cut down on calls but why build it up into something bigger when picking up the phone would solve the problem?

It's my job to phone my family apparently. I was the one who moved away. If they haven't heard from me in say 2 weeks they will text or phone.

I never said it was always my mother who called me Waffley. I used to call her too.

My thread point is that she now never calls me...ever. I do still pick up the phone and call, but she never reciprocates.

I don't think just picking up the phone myself does solve the problem to be honest. It still means the interaction is one sided, and I make no apologies' for finding that hurtful.

Do you have a tendency to be easily offended perhaps? Surely, the main thing is that you keep in touch with your mum? I don't get the 'its not fair,' angle - its as if you're mortally offended about something that's really, no big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Look at the problems in the world o/p and try and get things into perspective. There's a distinct air of entitlement in your post that comes over as mightily miffed that you're not getting your own way.