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Original poster

dealing with my anger

41 replies

israel · 15/05/2004 23:31

firstly sorry...am sitting here having drunk too much wine.
but here goes....my husband....i dont want to put dh...because he is not dear...not at the moment, i am so angry and hurt.
its all inside and i can't let it out.
We have been married 8 yrs...he has always been a very quiet man...hates mixing!...but with everything i am the instigator / initiator...from travel, days out, nights together...places to visit...even down to sex...in the beginning I did it all...and so wanted him to initate..ANYTHING!...but no, he never did and never does!!! ...it was all me...as the yrs have gone by I am fed up with doing everything....he has NO coversation and is completely boring...In the last yr I have gone all out to try and revive our relationship...even so much as planning a new life abroad...To put some initiative, some excitement back in our lives.
I have just been away for a week and come back to him telling me that he is now helping his mother to join us in this venture...something he let me do alone for the past yr....I cannot stand the woman...he knows this...I am at my end....please, please someone help....I have told him that I have enough on my plate without her as well....

OP posts:
midden · 15/05/2004 23:36

israel, sorry to hear about your situation, you must have so many emotions tied up in this one. do you mean MIL is coming with you or just planning it with you ?

Original poster
israel · 15/05/2004 23:39

dh...not so dear...would have her living with us....at this point will be on the flight to OZ with us....I am so full of anger and silent tears.
This was meant to be helping a renewal of our relationship...which is awful at the moment...I just feel drained
thankyou for being there for me at this hr...

OP posts:
Original poster
israel · 15/05/2004 23:44

my hubby is a person who does not do the communication thing very well...in the begining it didnt bother me...as I had such an outgoing personality myself....
In the arguments we have recently had ...he says he is happy doing the things I like...just to see how happy they make me...but god...i now see how pathetic this is...he has no interests of his own, no friends, nothiing......everything is through me...and I am tired of it

OP posts:
midden · 15/05/2004 23:46

OMG israel I could never have that I think I would just rather run away to OZ me and the kids than have my MIL live with us!! Can you tell him how you feel have you already? Can you put your foot down ? Why did he not discuss bringing her with you and do this why you were away ?

twogorgeousboys · 15/05/2004 23:46

hello israel - I am so sorry you are going through such heartache.

What is your husband's reason for doing this (inviting your MIL)?

fairyprincess · 15/05/2004 23:52

israel,

What does mil think about this?
best wishes at this tough time

Original poster
israel · 15/05/2004 23:52

have told him exactly how i feel..like i am telling you...but he sees it as black and mine is white..No compromise...he would have no problem with her, with us....where as i would be horrified...
i am dealing with loads of emotions at the same time...anger, hurt,fear, excitement...and guilt because thats the way he makes me feel....is it normal not to want ones mil by your side on such a journey in life?(sorry i have had loads to drink tonight)

OP posts:
fairyprincess · 15/05/2004 23:55

israel - you have the right to feel as you do. What would your h think if you were to bring your mother!!

Original poster
israel · 15/05/2004 23:56

my mil is like a leach....this sound cruel on my behalf...but her life...and to most extent her ds is through me....having ben in france for a week and coming back i see just how lonely i have been in this marraige....more lonely than I ever was as a single parent....at least there were no expectations from anyone else to take the reigns a little....sorry to go on...thanks for listening

OP posts:
twogorgeousboys · 15/05/2004 23:59

Israel, how many children do you have? You mention having been a single parent - do you and your h have children together?

fairyprincess · 16/05/2004 00:02

I understand that you are the one that gets things done. It sounds like you'd like to hand over part of this responsibilty and be looked after in some roles rather than have to be in the driving seat?

Original poster
israel · 16/05/2004 00:07

I have two children....one dd 12 from when i lived abroad...has never seen her real father ...then i met my hubby at a school reunion....lonely...I thought it was wonderful...married and had a wonderfull ds 3 yrs ago...but i always had itchy feet...always longed to be going somwhere
yes i have always been the planner, organiser...and so wanted input from hubby...but it never came...no conversation...ON ANYTHING.....TV ...on at the first op...

OP posts:
Original poster
israel · 16/05/2004 00:14

....my parents are no more...unfortunately...but they would have NEVER asked to join in...no matter how much they would have longed to...i lost my dear father last sept...and my mum at the age of 56...in 84....they would have been horrified at this.

OP posts:
twogorgeousboys · 16/05/2004 00:14

When are you supposed to be going to Australia?

Original poster
israel · 16/05/2004 00:16

prob...sept sometime

OP posts:
midden · 16/05/2004 00:17

know what its like to have a MIL try to live through you and your children. I think if you really feel strongly you have to stop this it could be the straw to break the camels back? How will you be able to move forward with your h and leave the past few years behind if she is with you? Think starting a new life could be a great way to calm tour itchy feet and sort out things with you and your h but do it on your terms, you are important !!!

Original poster
israel · 16/05/2004 00:19

its not just the mil problem that has come to a head tonight...but our relationship in general...I just feel so alone...surrounded by people...but so alone...can anyone understand what i mean...fumble fumble....i feel so inadequate typing on here!

OP posts:
Original poster
israel · 16/05/2004 00:23

midden....yes she is trying to live her life through us...and by us...this doesn't mean her son...no...he doesnt do anything...its me....and i feel drained and tired...8 yrs of carrying and trying to craete excitement/goals has taken its toll

OP posts:
twogorgeousboys · 16/05/2004 00:24

Ok, well its clear that you WONT be going to Australia with your MIL, because its unthinkable.

Do you mind me asking what attracted you to your h initially?

twogorgeousboys · 16/05/2004 00:25

You are not inadequate Israel, you are making perfect sense.

fairyprincess · 16/05/2004 00:32

I feel for you on the loss of your parents

Original poster
israel · 16/05/2004 00:33

what attracted me to hubby in the first place...kindness....and he complemented me in those first few months...yes...this was a person who didn't just notice the age, the child, the sadness,...but me....and now he doesnt even notice what i wear, what I have done to the house...anymore...my recent week away was an eye opener in that i realised...somehow...i had become invisible....I am not saying this for a sympathy vote...but that I was just someone at home...who really...no one wanted to communicate with...god this sounds pathetic!!

OP posts:
fairyprincess · 16/05/2004 00:34

agree with twoboys and midden here - mil is not part of your package - your dh, children are your close family.

midden · 16/05/2004 00:35

yes - total sense - sounds like you have been "carrying" so much, sounds like you need your h to take some responability for the relationship. Is it possible to ask him to do that, to clarify his needs and what he is going to do to fulfill them, and work from there to find out how this fits in with yours and what you will do as a team to be happy? rambling a bit sorry - tired. Is it likely that you might need some help in opening up his line of communication via a counsellor. eg relate? sorry if this is an out of order suggestion but I know how it can be when years have passed and you stop talking.

twogorgeousboys · 16/05/2004 00:35

It sounds as though you did feel valued once. What do you think changed?

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