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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

dealing with my anger

41 replies

israel · 15/05/2004 23:31

firstly sorry...am sitting here having drunk too much wine.
but here goes....my husband....i dont want to put dh...because he is not dear...not at the moment, i am so angry and hurt.
its all inside and i can't let it out.
We have been married 8 yrs...he has always been a very quiet man...hates mixing!...but with everything i am the instigator / initiator...from travel, days out, nights together...places to visit...even down to sex...in the beginning I did it all...and so wanted him to initate..ANYTHING!...but no, he never did and never does!!! ...it was all me...as the yrs have gone by I am fed up with doing everything....he has NO coversation and is completely boring...In the last yr I have gone all out to try and revive our relationship...even so much as planning a new life abroad...To put some initiative, some excitement back in our lives.
I have just been away for a week and come back to him telling me that he is now helping his mother to join us in this venture...something he let me do alone for the past yr....I cannot stand the woman...he knows this...I am at my end....please, please someone help....I have told him that I have enough on my plate without her as well....

OP posts:
fairyprincess · 16/05/2004 00:41

a counsellor could help you and dh rekindle understanding. I'm following middens idea here

israel · 16/05/2004 00:43

I have suggested a councilor...he was horrified...he would be happy going on as we have..me always doing all the planning for everything.
the thing is...i have to work out if its worth it.
Is it worth it feeling the way i do....yr after yr...always saying i would like him to comunicate more...he will try for a few days...i can se this...then it all goes back to nomal...and it can go for days, weeks, months!!...with a gentle poke in the ribs..."do you want a brew luv"..and he thinks this is fore play!!!...I can even laugh at his lack of conversation/communication because this is genuinely what he says

OP posts:
baldrick · 16/05/2004 00:44

hope you don't mind me asking but is he in any way depressed for any reason...ie...how long has he been despondant for....has he always been like this??

midden · 16/05/2004 00:48

so sorry israel I need to go to bed - dh away for weekend and I will be up early with kids. please keep posting and talking about this - if you need more support or a sounding board for what you want to say to your h I will be here tomrorrow night. Sleep well - wine will help I hope! hear from you soon.
midden
xxxxx

israel · 16/05/2004 00:50

baldrick...yes he has always been like this.
He is a very shy man....and at work...he is a nurse ...they cannot understand anyone wanting to be with him...
This would horrify him to think i may be talking about him.
I have tried for yrs to get him to comminicate more...but he doesnt.
in the begining it didnt matter to me as much...but as the yrs have gone by i feel drained and tired of the effort that its taken out of me

OP posts:
fairyprincess · 16/05/2004 00:50

I'm not sure what to say israel - the are some big issues here that would be helped if you & dh could sit down and talk with a third party to help guide the conversation (not the mil!!).

israel · 16/05/2004 00:52

midden...and everyone else...thank you and yes i am sure the half bottle of wine will help me sleep...next to hubby...two bodies in a space with no connection!

OP posts:
israel · 16/05/2004 00:59

fairyprincess....yes you are right...there are many issues here...the mil..just broke the camels back.
Today was a day after many where hubby hadn't spoken...and instead of me trying to fill the air with conversation i'd had enough...so nothing was said and the silence was deafening.
An awful atmosphere...In my head were these silent screams and down my face rolled painfull tears...oh god this sounds so pityful and meloncoly!!!...but I just want a shoulder to cry on

OP posts:
israel · 16/05/2004 01:04

I'm going to bed now....if anyone is still there reading...thankyou...I will be o.k...just need to work out in my own mind what I am going to do.
In the end...no matter how many people you discuss your woes with they still have to be worked out by yourself...talking through them has helped though...good night all..thank you for being there...virtual friends

OP posts:
twogorgeousboys · 16/05/2004 01:17

Israel, I have to go to bed now (shattered), but I want to offer my thoughts and I will come back to your thread tomorrow morning to see how you are doing.

Clearly, things have to change, because you sound so very unhappy. From what you have said (and ignoring the MIL issue), I would be cautious about going full steam ahead with a move to Australia. It just doesn't sound as though this would necessarily resolve the problems you want resolved.

If there is any way you can go to counselling together as others suggest, this would be a possible path towards rebuilding the foundations of your relationship, which if effective, would be a good springboard for the new life you have been trying to plan.

If counselling is out, then can you and h get some time away together to talk things through?

You say that you feel alone and tired of it all - I think it's really important that you find some support from SOMEWHERE (siblings? friends?) because the situation is sapping energy from you and I think this makes it harder to deal with.

If there isn't anyone, then keep talking on Mumsnet - I am still astounded at the wealth of life experience on here and the different perspectives can sometimes illuminate a different way of looking at things.

Night night

Take care - will look in on you tomorrow morning.

midden · 16/05/2004 21:25

Israel - how are you today? hope you have had an ok day today and just wondering how you are feeling.

aloha · 16/05/2004 21:48

The MIL is a no-no - totally wrong to invite her without asking you. Unbelievable. I think you need to put your plans to emigrate on hold - it seems to me you'd just be taking all your problems with you and cutting yourself off from your support network at the same time. A change of location is rarely the answer to problems. I would suggest counselling. At least that way you know you have tried everything and you do have a small child involved of course. You say he was horrified, but I think you have to lay your cards on the table. Say you are very unhappy in the relationship and unless he agrees to counselling you don't know if you can continue in it.
I think you are totally in the right about the MIL, btw.

Blu · 17/05/2004 12:12

Isreal, so sorry you are having such a miserable time. I have to say, I agree with Aloha, even though putting your plans on hold for a while might seem daunting. In the long run, it will be easier to travel light, without carrying all your problems- including MIL - with you.

Did you discuss relatives (and what it would mean to leave them) with your husband in your plans to emigrate? Does MIL have other family in this country? I can see it could be a problem for him to leave her alone, but what stopped him bringing this up and discussing it with you until you went away for a week? Was that MIL being manipulative, or is he afraid to bring things up with you in the face of your energy and determination to get moving? I recognised a lot of your 'get up and go-ness' and restlessness from the way I have often been (not now, and not in my current relationship) but I have come to realise that we energetic extrovert types can be very difficult to deal with - and not always best at leaving other people room to make quieter voices heard. And the slower they are to pitch in, the quicker and louder we impatiently pipe up to compensate! I may be tarring you wrongly with my own brush here, so ignore if it doesn't sound like you!

israel · 18/05/2004 08:14

Yesterday was a better day..thanks
Actualy had time to discuss much with husband.
I went to see mil...and said...in as nice a way as poss. that there was no way she was coming with us....And not to think that there could be a maybe there...I put it down to husband and me really needing our own space and this was something for us.
she will still be going but not on our coat tails...all her children will now be out there...but like us, she had asked them all individualy if she could be with them...the same reaction was the same as ours..... she often feigns illness and gets her children to do it all for her...this lady is a very capable lady and when I went to see her yesterday I said I would help / show her what to do but unlike husband I wont do it all for her.
As for husband and I...we will still be going out to OZ....here or there our relationship needs work...I am not worried about being away from family/friends for support...I normally rely on myself...and mumsnet now for support and advice.
Blu ...I think I may be like you, personality wise...yes, I can see that I may be difficult to live with...a bit of a whirlwind...never settled...I will try and take that into concideration more...thanks..israel

OP posts:
twogorgeousboys · 19/05/2004 00:19

Glad you've been able to talk AND put your MIL straight.

midden · 19/05/2004 22:31

so glad you got a chance to talk. So off to Oz then? Exciting stuff I am green with jealousy!
Glad you got MIL issue sorted too - but keep talking to MNers if it helps.........
midden xxx

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