Relationship with work colleagues

[WTAFF]

Hello, I'm hoping for some advice. My partner says that I am over-reacting so I would welcome some alternative perspectives.

The situation is that my partner and I work together in the same office but we are keeping our relationship under wraps (this is a whole other story which I won't bore you with).

A new colleague joined our team last year in a fairly junior position. She is fairly blatant about her willingness to sleep with people to get to where she wants to go. As she doesn't know about our relationship, she has said to me that she would sleep with my partner if he would help her get to the next stage career wise.

I have told DP this so he is aware of her intentions. The problem is that, since she has joined the team, DP has been Mr Helpful to her. Now this lady has a fiancée and a father to help her but apparently it has to be my DP who takes her to the garage (40 miles out of her way) to get her car fixed or offers to fix her PC or eBays her unwanted items.

I accept that my DP is a generally helpful person but the issue I've got is that he has done more for this colleague in a year than he has done for the rest of the department (10 people) including me in four years.

I am beginning to feel like a spare part in my own relationship. Yesterday for example, my DP was out in Manchester in a meeting and they were texting each other (about non-work stuff) whilst he was on the train.

When I raise this with DP he tells me that I am over-reacting and jealous. I've taken a couple of days to really think about whether this is true but I don't think it is - I don't have a problem with his other female friends. It's just this relationship which makes me uncomfortable. It just doesn't seem normal.

Am I over-reacting do you think?

Oh dear, OP. Can you say hand on heart that you agree with his assertion that making your relationship known at work would affect your prospects?

I think it would be very beneficial to break the spell of secrecy and just out the relationship at work - and see what happens. He's clearly a very skilled manipulator. The truth is your weapon.

It's all about him, he was crying for himself when he talked of his ex. His pain, his way or the highway for you. Get in first, he's a chump, and perhaps if you dig a little deeper you may find he has previous form for this with others he's worked with.
Let him howl to the next person he has a relationship about how he was soo hard done to by you as you would not let him chase someone else and shower them in attention - only, he will tell it a little differently there too.

So he's a controlling deceitful gaslighter who is pursuing another woman in front of you and you're still with him because....?

I think he's basically said that the OP has hurt him with her accusations of his disrespectful and overly-friendly behaviour. He was previously hurt by his ex and so now has all those memories coming flooding back and it's all the OP's fault. He may further have said his ex was possessive and jealous and he hates that she has become the same way. Basically everything possible to divert attention away from his own behaviour and make it all about hers. So she now feels guilty and under attack.

I suspect OP perceives the risk of telling to be that he immediately finishes with her (result) and then she goes from saying 'we are together' to people in the office to 'we were together but now we're not'. Option B is to skip straight to the second stage, tell people you've been in a relationship with him and it's now over. Office junior can then chase him openly.