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Original poster

Relationship with work colleagues

55 replies

WTAFF · 11/11/2015 08:04

Hello, I'm hoping for some advice. My partner says that I am over-reacting so I would welcome some alternative perspectives.

The situation is that my partner and I work together in the same office but we are keeping our relationship under wraps (this is a whole other story which I won't bore you with).

A new colleague joined our team last year in a fairly junior position. She is fairly blatant about her willingness to sleep with people to get to where she wants to go. As she doesn't know about our relationship, she has said to me that she would sleep with my partner if he would help her get to the next stage career wise.

I have told DP this so he is aware of her intentions. The problem is that, since she has joined the team, DP has been Mr Helpful to her. Now this lady has a fiancée and a father to help her but apparently it has to be my DP who takes her to the garage (40 miles out of her way) to get her car fixed or offers to fix her PC or eBays her unwanted items.

I accept that my DP is a generally helpful person but the issue I've got is that he has done more for this colleague in a year than he has done for the rest of the department (10 people) including me in four years.

I am beginning to feel like a spare part in my own relationship. Yesterday for example, my DP was out in Manchester in a meeting and they were texting each other (about non-work stuff) whilst he was on the train.

When I raise this with DP he tells me that I am over-reacting and jealous. I've taken a couple of days to really think about whether this is true but I don't think it is - I don't have a problem with his other female friends. It's just this relationship which makes me uncomfortable. It just doesn't seem normal.

Am I over-reacting do you think?

OP posts:
tribpot · 11/11/2015 15:04

It'd harm other prospects too.

Quite right RedMapleLeaf.

OP, this is bollocks. Why is it okay for him to be spending personal time with someone who has already stated her intention is to sleep with people in authority, but him acknowledging a relationship with you would be 'harmful to career prospects'? An accusation of harassment from an office junior would be way more harmful.

I'd just start telling people at work. Once the cat's out of the bag there's nothing he can do about it.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 11/11/2015 15:09

This doesn't sound right at all? Whilst people may keep new relationships under wraps at work, once things get serious you have to be honest about your relationship. What if you marry? Would that be secret too? It's not practical in the long term. So, I reckon he doesn't think you're going to go the distance. As for what he is doing for her.....sorry, not normal at all....he should be distancing himself from her, in order to keep you happy. You need to confront him. Either he stops all of this, or you will terminate your relationship. End of.

RiceCrispieTreats · 11/11/2015 16:35

You feel like a spare part in your relationship because you ARE.

This man is keeping your relationship "secret" and chasing this woman because you are not important to him.

Original poster
WTAFF · 11/11/2015 17:03

Just had a discussion with him about it. Apparently I am unreasonable because he doesn't think she meant what she said about sleeping with him to get a promotion. Therefore, I have nothing to worry about and there is no reason for him to keep his distance.

When I asked what he wanted me to do he said I needed to stop giving him grief about stuff that doesn't matter. Hmm

He denies that he does more for her than everyone else and has just said I am paranoid and would say the same about any woman. This is just not true, as he has lots of female friends and I like all of them. On a personal level, I actually like the junior colleague. She is really quite nice. I just think how my partner is behaving is unacceptable.

OP posts:
SongBird16 · 11/11/2015 17:10

So what are you going to do now he's made it clear it won't stop?

notmynameohno · 11/11/2015 17:25

If he was being respectful of your feelings he could easily stop the Ebay selling etc as it is nothing to do with work. I think he's saying she wouldn't sleep with him but is interested in seeing if there is a possibility. Not necessarily to follow through but to at least be flattered. I think you have to go public with your relationship now so everyone knows where they stand.

Optimist1 · 11/11/2015 18:26

I'm guessing that he doesn't like the thought of her sleeping with him for a promotion, but he can persuade himself that she will because of his irresistable charms! Can't help but think that the junior colleague might actually have some scruples and be horrified at the thought of taking up with your man...

spudlike1 · 11/11/2015 18:26

Big Red waning flags i'm afraid .protect yourself. He should be proud to have you as his girlfriend , he should be telling the world. Tell him you've had enough of being his secret ( convenient ) shag , move on . Hope this isn't the case but it sounds like it is ..sorry

ImperialBlether · 11/11/2015 18:29

Is there a policy at work against couples working together? Do you deal with money? I would dump him and tell her exactly what's happening, too.

bjrce · 11/11/2015 18:32

Ffs, just tell the younger colleague you are a couple and also warn her off re making such statements re sleeping with men to advance her career. Tbh she sounds a bit dim or is very naive!

Scarletforya · 11/11/2015 18:32

Well, two things.

Firstly, he wants to keep your 'relationship' a secret. I wouldn't have that. Big red flag.

Secondly, you actually told him she was willing to sleep with him? Now he's sniffing around after her, what did you expect? If he's the type to deny your 'relationship' then he's obviously on the lookout for someone else, you actually tipped him off.

At this stage I'd just break up and let them at it.

FredaMayor · 11/11/2015 18:34

He says that it might harm our career prospects if we tell people.

And you fell for that, OP?

mintoil · 11/11/2015 18:38

You aren't overreacting you are underreacting.

I would have kicked him to the kerb ages ago!

Who does he think he is? He is playing you OP and I am sure you know you are worth far more.

pocketsaviour · 11/11/2015 18:44

He says that it might harm our career prospects if we tell people.

Is your career in fertilisers, because that's a whole lot of bullshit.

HustleRussell · 11/11/2015 18:58

In some firms I do think relationships can harm prospects. I work in a professional services firm and some relationships can be harmful to your career. However I am not sure you work in such an environment.

If you didn't know she wanted to sleep with people to get to the top, would it affect your thoughts on their relationship? Personally I think he loves the power over her and the attention she gives him. Yep, I would be afraid. Very afraid.

Shagging two women in the office? Every man's dream.

Original poster
WTAFF · 12/11/2015 22:05

Update - I tried to end it today. But somehow I ended up suggesting that we give it another go.

He told me I had no right to tell him who he could and could not speak to. Perhaps he is right I dont know.

He also cried about how his ex hurt him in the past. I now feel worse than ever but I don't seem to have the strength to end it. I love him but I don't really like him if that makes sense?

Sorry, I have had a glass of wine so this may not make much sense. I fee like my own worst enemy and am
Even more upset than yesterday.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 12/11/2015 22:10

So are you still his secret at work?

Original poster
WTAFF · 12/11/2015 22:15

Yep - nothing has changed. He still wants it to be a secret.

I'm totally fed up. I hoped that I would be strong enough to get it sorted. I know I'm getting the piss taken out of me. What is wrong with me?

OP posts:
Kintan · 12/11/2015 22:25

Sorry to hear that you are feeling fed up. My advice is to think what you would tell a good friend if they were in your situation, and then apply advice to yourself. You deserve so much better than the current situation, as as you said you know he is taking the piss.

pocketsaviour · 12/11/2015 22:26

I love him but I don't really like him if that makes sense?

Yeah, been there. I ended up stuck for seven years with an aging alcoholic, wasting the fertile years of my life with someone who didn't like or respect me, and I didn't like or respect him. Yet I clung to him like a drowning woman to a floating log.

I only left him when I met someone else, which I don't recommend waiting for. Honestly, have a think about why you feel you can't walk away from this manipulative douche - what is it you're afraid of, or worried about?

spudlike1 · 12/11/2015 22:26

He just has to go public on your relationship, or there is no relationship., ultimatum time . He can be friends with who ever he likes , nurse his wounds from a previous relationships blah blah blah, give him all the sympathy he needs what ever.

However if he is not prepared to tell people that you are his girlfriend please don't be his girlfriend.

SoulSista85 · 12/11/2015 22:30

Red flag central, OP. Red flag central.

magoria · 12/11/2015 22:32

You have told him you are unhappy about this.

He has told you actually he doesn't care about your feelings. He wants to do this so he will carry on doing it.

You and your feeling are not important enough for him to stop this.

Only you can stop him treating you like shit by removing yourself from the equation.

And then taking bets on how long before they do shag.

Preciousxbane · 12/11/2015 22:35

I met my DH at work and we managed to keep it a secret for 3 weeks.

He is a manipulative wanker just in case you are unsure, when I read he cried but it's still got to be a secret I saw red.

You are his comfy back up plan, his she will do for the moment, you are worth so much more than that op.

Jibberjabberjooo · 12/11/2015 22:41

He's taking you for a mug. I met my dh at work, it was never a secret.

Despite you taking to him he still isn't going to change his behaviour. It's up to you what you do with that.

What would happen if you told him your relationship will no longer be a secret?