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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

is this distant family member coming onto me? if so, what should I do?!

57 replies

Bjornstar · 10/11/2015 16:45

I was recently at a family event where my dad's cousin and her husband were there. They are much older than me ( 35+years) so I thought nothing of giving him my mobile number when he asked for it (in front of his wife) and mentioned lunch. I said it would be very nice to catch up.

We went for lunch today and he insisted on picking me up from home. His wife was not with him, I still didn't think much of it as he is that much older than me!

I asked where his wife was and he said they had decided to separate but were still good friends. I was shocked as this was not common knowledge but I do believe it as he is abroad a lot so imagine it would put a strain on them.

When we were eating, he went a bit doe eyes on me and telling me I looked fantastic and said he thought we had a lot in common. He then asked if he could share some of my pudding! He did! He practically threw his cake onto my plate.

He said the time has gone too quickly (I said I couldn't be long as had to pick my son up from school). He said we should do it soon and where would I like to go. He asked if he could take me to the opera!

When we got outside, he said he wanted to take my picture and he did.

Then after he dropped me home he sent a text saying he had a meeting in Paris and wished he could take me with him! Also asked me to call him tonight if I wanted to.

Dh knew about the lunch and was in stitches when I gave him the details.

Think I know he was being an opportunist! But how do I respond without being rude people?

Thank you!!!!

OP posts:
Bjornstar · 11/11/2015 06:48

I have not replied to his message, I really hope he does not contact me again. It is so embarrassing!

He was sexist as well, when I told him I had passed my driving test first time even though I stalled the car several times, he said women get away with everything and asked if I was wearing a short skirt!

OP posts:
Wristy · 11/11/2015 07:51

He's the husband of your dad's cousin, he's practically a stranger to you. I'd just be telling him to fuck off, none of this 'I hope he gets the message crap'. He hasn't got it so far has he?

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 11/11/2015 07:53

He almost certainly will. If he does you really need to set him straight. Be direct.

No, I am not interested. Your behaviour is inappropriate. Even were I not married I still would not be interested.

He may well reply making out he was just being friendly, these kind of people almost always do. But that doesn't matter as long as he gets the message and gets lost.

And don't feel.guilty. you say lunch was expensive. Was it enough to buy you because that is what he was trying to do.

Bjornstar · 11/11/2015 07:57

Yes it was expensive. I saw the receipt and it was nearly £200!

I wish I had not bothered!

OP posts:
Lweji · 11/11/2015 08:00

Just don't reply.
If he rings and you happen to answer, tell him you're busy and hang up. Even better let your oh pick it up and ask if he has a message for you.

But you're certainly not unreasonable to tell him that his persistence is making you feel uncomfortable and will he please stop, as you are married and have no interest. He would probably tell you you're imagining things, and you'd just ignore those or any other replies.

Lweji · 11/11/2015 08:01

And ask him if his wife knows they're separating.

Bjornstar · 11/11/2015 08:06

He said their son knows about the separation but they haven't broadcast it to the rest of the family.

I will indeed ignore. I feel guilty for going in first place, I feel I have betrayed my dad's cousin who is a very gentile woman

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 11/11/2015 08:10

Oh, please! STOP IT!

The only thing you did wrong was imagine you might have encouraged him.

OK, you didn't say "Fuck Off" immediately. But you need to have that, or something equally strong and unequivocal, in the front of your mind now.

You did bugger all except be overly polite, a bit embarrassed. We all meet pillocks like him, sadly they exist, male and female! More sadly yours is vaguely related.

But you did nothing wrong. And you have betrayed nobody. Get a grip! NOW!

RJnomaaaaaargh · 11/11/2015 08:11

Just reinforce your marriage

"Mr born and I would LOVE to go to Paris"

"I'll need to check when Mr b can make lunch he was so disappointed to miss last one"

"Mr b doesn't like the opera how about we go the wrestling"

"Mr b was asking for your photo - can you text him one?"

Ought to freak him out suitably Grin

KinkyAfro · 11/11/2015 08:22

You know he's probably shown that picture of you to lots of people probably saying you're his new girlfriend? You need to nip this in the bud before it gets back to his poor wife.

Unless you don't really want to, it sounds to me like you're almost enjoying it

Bjornstar · 11/11/2015 08:28

I don't think so kinky.

OP posts:
YouBastardSockBalls · 11/11/2015 08:29

Does he know you're married?

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 11/11/2015 08:41

Hissy got there before me. What Hissy said. Right down to the last fucking comma.

OP where's your anger?!?...

KinkyAfro · 11/11/2015 08:52

Exactly my point, OP seems so blase about the whole thing, like it's a bit of a thrill.

malaguena · 11/11/2015 09:20

He sounds gross and totally self-absorbed, but I get you, I tend to be the kind polite woman too. Text him back something like: Thank you for lunch although I was very much looking forward to spending time with 'wife'. I always looked up to her as my auntie. Obviously, in light of you separating, it would be inappropriate of you to keep in touch. Please do let her know we are here for her should she need any support. Best regards, Bjorn.
Then block him. I would text cousin as well to say sorry she couldn't make it as you had wanted to spend time with her and found the situation a bit awkward. Just in case the guy actually used your 'date' in a " I can get better/ younger than you" way.

Bjornstar · 11/11/2015 11:55

I have closed down any further opportunities for us to meet again unless DH and DS are there. Would you believe he responded and said he understands my reasons now I have had time to reflect, and if I would ever like dinner, lunch or visit to the opera to get in touch!

He is basically saying I'm up for it if you are!

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 11/11/2015 13:43

What. An. Asshole. (Him, not you)

"Now that you've had time to reflect"... In his teeny pathetic alleged-brain, it was ever even a possibility for you!

What about, he asked you to lunch, implying it was both him and your cousin/his wife, then moved goalpost after goalpost and played on your good nature until you allowed things ythst were discomforting (the photo, for instance). He has the mind and MO of a date rapist.

If you haven't already, talk to your father and your cousin. This guy sounds more delusional by the minute, and the last thing you want is for him to get his side of the story in first.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 11/11/2015 13:50

And I'll bet the mortgage your cousin will have an interesting story for you, either that they're not really separated, or that they are, because he's a misogynistic skirt-chaser.

KinkyAfro · 11/11/2015 16:37

Why are you even saying you'll meet if your DH and DS are there?! Why do you want anything to do with this man?

Just tell him no ffs

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 11/11/2015 16:43

You owe him nothing.

Keep reminding him of this.

Keep reminding yourself this.

You owe him nothing.

Husbanddoestheironing · 11/11/2015 16:51

how awkward that all must have been for you. Cannot believe his level of self-delusion even after you have made it totally clear Shock

KinkyAfro · 11/11/2015 17:08

But OP hasn't made it totally clear!

Husbanddoestheironing · 11/11/2015 17:36

I have closed down any further opportunities for us to meet again unless DH and DS are there

Sounds clear to me, but I'm not a deluded old man though I guess!

AliceInUnderpants · 11/11/2015 17:45

I'm waiting for the thread in 3 months..... Help, I've fallen for an aged relative!!!

Bjornstar · 11/11/2015 19:12

I don't understand is that is unclear kinky. It means we won't be meeting alone ever again unless DH and DS are there. Which means there will never be an opportunity for him to try it on.

No I won't be falling for an aged relative Alice!

The end

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