"Just accept the offer!"

[tornandhurt]

I've posted on and off for a while now. In brief, DH had an affair last year which we tried to work through. I have zero contact with his family (web of lies he's told due to his own cheating etc which they fell for). They are/were very involved in our lives to my annoyance. January comes and out of the blue I'm issued with divorce papers that DH denies all knowledge of (yes that's right - apparently solicitors just do it off their own back!). This has gone on all year, back and forth, him telling me one thing and doing/telling his parents another.

He then broke down and said he was being made choose - a life with me or a relationship with his parents - pathetic - and you guys gave me some great advice on that.

It transpired that correspondence from his solicitor was being emailed to his parents email account and that on occasions they took it upon themselves to respond directly - this is currently being looked at as a complaint as whilst I'm under no illusion everything is discussed with them anyway, I haven't given permission for my personal details to be sent to them.

Things in general have been "plodding along." - a couple of revised divorce petitions because of errors and I took the bull by the horns and told him the house needed to go on the market. Day to day we still live under one roof - I'm still the idiot that does everything for him and we still do things as a couple - partly to make my life easier while I still have to live there and partly if I'm honest because I still love him.

However, he's making the entire process so difficult. Because he doesn't want to deal with it and because he states he doesn't want this to happen (again I'm under no illusion he's telling his parents something else).

Today we've had a 4th offer on the house - and although its a little under the asking price, its far more than we ever anticipated - so why won't he accept the offer??!!

I can't force him to because although I have an HR1 in place, the house and mortgage were taken out in his name only.

I'm so frustrated because I just want to move on with my life and "fix" myself!

Morning.

He went for his mediation session yesterday apparently, so I should receive something from them by the end of the week.

I also decided to stay in the spare room last night.

I thought about sitting down and talking to him last night about everything, how things need to change and we need to formally separate and sit down with the children at the weekend, but to be honest by the time I got home from work and spent some time with DCs I was so tired and emotional I just went to bed. He questioned why I chose to sleep in the spare room and I just ignored him.

I've come out to work today with him wishing me a good day, telling me what he's going to do round the house and what would I like for tea etc (he's off work) and I just feel numb and empty.

I'm going to look up some of these books this morning and head to the library at lunch time I think to try and prep myself for speaking to the children - although as someone said he needs to be part of that too.

Friends - few and far between - I used to have a great circle of friends - work and social but I stupidly allowed his jealousy and controlling behavior to interfere and I now find myself isolated and although working in an industry I love, having no work colleagues around me (I used to work in the city, but he hated it and made life so difficult and caused so many arguments that I'm now local working for a one man band).

Family - yes - but initially I was reluctant to speak to them/involve them as I felt that if we had worked things though it would taint his relationship with them. They know quite a bit more now, but they've always seen me as this person that can handle anything and come out the otherside. I'm actually not entirely sure they'd believe the mess I've become.

Oh torn, I remember another of your threads. Tell people what he has done. Make it real. I've been where you are but, thankfully, without children. It was awful and I became more isolated as I got more ashamed of the situation.
Ultimatum for him, tell the children and then tell the world what a shit he is. You deserve more than this & you will start to heal when you leave

Morning Torn and well done you sound alot stronger in your resolve than you did when you started this thread and that is brillaint to see.

With all that he said to you as you were leaving for work it's what I call a knee jerk reaction and it won't last very long,believe me I've been on the receiving end on more than one occasion.

He can feel in the air that something with you is changing and it's got him scared hence the knee jerk reaction of him trying to be normal nice to you.
It could last for all of a couple of weeks and then you'd be right back where you started.

Stick to your guns,don't have sex with him,don't share a bed with him,don't cook and clean for him.He lost all those privileges along time ago when he stopped being the husband and father that you and your children need and deserve!

Talking to the children after school on Friday is a really good idea it will give them a couple of days of no school to start processing things and to ask any questions they want to ask you both.

Thank you. He's text a couple of times this morning but I've ignored them. I'm going to try and call my solicitor this afternoon to see if there's any way the acknowledgement form from the divorce petition can be submitted with amendments to get the decree nisi issued (may as well start as I mean to go on).

Will wait to hear from mediation re: their suggestions on where we go in terms of financial settlement. If he doesn't agree I think I need to request a financial order from the court. I don't know if I can inform them of his unwillingness to accept offers or whether there's anything I can do to "force" him as such.

I'm scared as hell about the children, I'm hoping some of these books will help me. Everytime I think about having that conversation and the look on their faces I just start crying, which I know I can't do when I'm talking to them so I need to sort myself out. x

Your children will be fine, if you are, they are very resilient and accepting of whatever you propose as long as they see you are happy it really wont be as bad on them as you are predicting.

Please go for it, stop living your life in this horrible person's shadow, you can do it, and you can make new friends, without him interfering, imagine a life that you choose rather than him choosing it for you, sounds great to me.

Torn you will come out of this the other side, your children will be ok and so will you.

Your denial has only delayed the inevitable and now you're starting to accept the situation, the sooner this whole horrible mess will come to an end.

Can you try to reconnect with old friends? You no longer have to live under his insecurities and control, I'm sure if you explain what has happened they will welcome you back with open arms, I know I would. Tell your family how much you are struggling, fill in the gaps in their knowledge and ask for help. If you were my daughter, sister, friend I'd want to help.

Just be warned that he will try & prolongue the " Its not what I wanted charade."
He sounds like a pathetic piece of shit.

I suppose I just needed to try and make sense of why he wont take the offer and sell up so I can move on

Actually, I think trying to understand is part of what has trapped you in this situation for so long. My best friend is married to a similar type and has been driving herself mad asking why he has treated her like dirt.

In the end, the only answer to that is 'Because he is weak, dishonest and quite prepared to hurt you if it makes his life easier'. You will not truly understand it because you are a different sort of person.

So, don't try to understand. Just act, in defence of your own interests and those of your children.

Move into the spare room permanently.
Talk to the children, if necessary on your own.
Be wary of letting the children spend extended time with PIL.
Hustle the financial and legal side along as much as you can.
Tell your friends and family how things are.
Plan your own weekends and exclude your DH. Tell him when he can spend time with the children, go out and leave him to it.
Don't bother discussing his feelings with him, or telling him yours. There isn't any point, his behaviour doesn't change.
Don't feel guilty. You've been a good wife to a bad man.

Indeed^ ignore why he does it. It is what he is doing that is the problem.

I think what you've ended up doing, just ignoring him, is a better strategy than sitting down and having the "things have to change" chat. Actions speak louder than words!

I fear that ignoring him will just prolong the misery.

However, maybe if you do not cook, clean, launder, or include him in any ONE thing, he may get fed up in the end

I didn't get a chance to get out yesterday to the library, but I've done a lot of online searching about how to talk to the children. I'll speak to him tonight about how we will do that on Friday.

He's still playing at "being nice" continually asking what's wrong and if I'm ok. Do I want anything can he get me anything. I continued last night with spending time with dcs doing homework, sorting some washing and had an early night. I'm getting to the point where I just cant be bothered with him anymore and he's irritating me (which I suppose ultimately is a good thing).

I'm waiting for the wording from my solicitor that I need to put on this petition so I can get it back to the court without further delay to get that side moving on, and hopefully there will be something from the mediator today so I can get the financials sorted a bit more.

I'm trying to stay positive, keep busy and move things forward, but in honesty I'm exhausted with disturbed sleep an overactive mind and the feeling that in a few months time I'll be out there on my own with 3 dcs, a dog a cat and a couple of fish!

Oh torn, you're doing brilliantly. Well done for trying to move things along

You sound a lot more in control torn brilliant.

Torn you are doing amazingly you really are.

It is a great sign that his behaviour is irritating you it means you've seen what we can see when it comes to him and his appalling behaviour.

I made the decision to leave a relationship that for me was awful and really wasn't any good for my children,not long after I found out that I was pregnant with my 4th DC and my 3rd DC was autistic.

Believe me it was the best decision I ever made for myself and my children and I've never looked back and that was 13 years ago.I've grown so much since then as a person and as a parent and my confidence has more than doubled.

Can you move out? That could help hurry along the sale of the house?

I suspect he didn't accept the offer because he is using the divorce threat to control you...its a big manipulative ploy.

Take back the control, take the rent from a joint account and go. Tell him once the house is sold, he can stop paying your rent?

From reading advice on mumsnet, I think it would be best for op not to move out her house unless she is in danger. Stay strong torn. Just make sure you stay in control with the decision you have made.

TBH I think that's actually want they want me to do - him (and his parents to an extent).......they want to wear me down so much that I'll pack up and go leaving him with the house and they hope I'll leave with nothing. I'm not doing it! - I found myself in a situation like that donkeys years ago and see how it disadvantaged me. Rather than being in a position whereby I could have lots of time with eldest DD, I found myself scrimping and saving and working all hours.

This time no.......I will take absolutely everything I'm entitled to, not for me, but for the children, so I can provide a safe and stable home for them and so I can be there when they need my support.

I do feel a bit stronger on the hole, although I maintain this is something I desperately wanted to avoid. I think the anger is starting to take over from the fear. x

How has it gone today Torn did you get to speak to the children?
You are doing remarkably well! Keep going, don't let him drag you down!

Hope you're ok torn

Hope you're OK. Good to have found your anger, it'll help.

Hi there,

Sorry was a hectic weekend and I've only just picked up this morning. Spoke to DC's Friday as planned. He didn't want to be a part of it and felt I should wait until the house was sold and things were moving, but I went ahead anyway.

DD1 was quite informed already as she's 15, but the other two were totally in the dark. I explained it as gently as possible, didn't speak badly of him and didn't blame him. reassured them both that we love them very much and that we were both there and always would be to answer any questions and talk to them. DS to be honest is far too young to understand and within 10 minutes he was interrupting asking what I was going to cook for tea. youngest DD was very upset and did a lot of crying, but with some time and conversation I'm trying to make it into a big new adventure for them.

She's been very up and down over the weekend, but on the hole it was ok and actually far better than I had feared. We spent good quality time together over the weekend (me and kids that it) which was lovely and I almost felt that a weight had been lifted a little - does that make sense?

Anyway, he's still up to the usual, declaring his love, crying and telling me I'm his best and only friend..........god I'd hate to be his enemy if this is how he treats people.

So I'm starting the week by pushing for the house sale and continuing with the solicitors and hopefully we'll have something to look forward to in the new year.

Wow, you're his "best friend"...... a pity indeed he didn't treat you like one.
Well done for telling DCs I understand completely how it is a weight lifted, & how it makes it "real"... push for sale?
There is no going back. You don't love him. so you will be "friends".

Well done, that must have been hard Maybe you should tell some other people in real life what a dick he has been and get some support. You've done so well!