"Just accept the offer!"

[tornandhurt]

I've posted on and off for a while now. In brief, DH had an affair last year which we tried to work through. I have zero contact with his family (web of lies he's told due to his own cheating etc which they fell for). They are/were very involved in our lives to my annoyance. January comes and out of the blue I'm issued with divorce papers that DH denies all knowledge of (yes that's right - apparently solicitors just do it off their own back!). This has gone on all year, back and forth, him telling me one thing and doing/telling his parents another.

He then broke down and said he was being made choose - a life with me or a relationship with his parents - pathetic - and you guys gave me some great advice on that.

It transpired that correspondence from his solicitor was being emailed to his parents email account and that on occasions they took it upon themselves to respond directly - this is currently being looked at as a complaint as whilst I'm under no illusion everything is discussed with them anyway, I haven't given permission for my personal details to be sent to them.

Things in general have been "plodding along." - a couple of revised divorce petitions because of errors and I took the bull by the horns and told him the house needed to go on the market. Day to day we still live under one roof - I'm still the idiot that does everything for him and we still do things as a couple - partly to make my life easier while I still have to live there and partly if I'm honest because I still love him.

However, he's making the entire process so difficult. Because he doesn't want to deal with it and because he states he doesn't want this to happen (again I'm under no illusion he's telling his parents something else).

Today we've had a 4th offer on the house - and although its a little under the asking price, its far more than we ever anticipated - so why won't he accept the offer??!!

I can't force him to because although I have an HR1 in place, the house and mortgage were taken out in his name only.

I'm so frustrated because I just want to move on with my life and "fix" myself!

OP it really isn't doing your children any favors take it from someone who knows.

I don't know how old your DC are but if you look online there are lots of reccomendations for books that are aimed at children that help you with the best way to explain about divorce and what is happening.There's also support groups where people have been through the same.

Yes your children will be upset but i honestly believe that they will be more upset if the divorce and house move are all sprung on them at the same time with no warning!

Because they're children obviously there's things they don't need to know but they still have a right to know what's going to be changing within they're home life and believe me children are very intune I'm sure they'll have all ready realized that something is happening but without anyone sitting down and talking to them explaining what's happening and answering they're questions as honestly as possible they'll just be left with questions they think that they can't ask and that could lead to serious anxiety.

Like others have said you need to stop doing things for him and you need to start distancing yourself from the relationship that you did have.It will be bloody hard at first and will take real courage on your part but in the long run it will be alot healthier for you,your children and him.

You have all the control in your hands to make things as easy as possible for yourself and your children in the future you just need to make the first move and you won't be alone there's loads of us on here that will be right there with you offering support a hand to hold and advice

How about you go to see a solicitor, get them to draw up Divorce papers to divorce this spineless idiot for Adultery? Then send him back to his parents, that will be a nice surprise for them when they return from their holidays.

Your children will be aware that there is a problem. I guarantee it. You are shielding yourself, not them. Put them first.

I don't blame his parents for the divorce, that's not their fault. I'm hurt and angry they're so involved and making their own requests to his solicitor. I'm hurt they're happy to fund it for him and I'm hurt that people I had such a good relationship with previously can turn so quickly and hold so much hatred.

I'll have look on line for some help with speaking to the children. Thanks very much.

Op is still acting like this bloke's wife because she still wants to be his wife. God knows why.

Until you change that mindset, I predict this will run and run. With you and your kids getting more damaged along the way.

Sorry op but most parents will always support their children even when they are in the wrong then have a go at them later when things settle. The same way you want the best for you children they are are doing the same thing. Am talking about the in laws here.

Why don't you make his life unbearable by not doing his laundry, cooking and pretending to the world that you are still together. Does he even spend most of his time at home to see you misery, or are you happy as long as he is around until he brings up the divorce then your reminded that it's going to happen that sends you into hysteria on what you have to do.

Anyway, mums net is always here to listen. All I ask is for you to make your mind up and stick to it for your own mental stability.

I am a lurker not a poster but I couldn't let this one slide...

5 years ago my husband cheated on me. I thought it was just the once so I fought hard for my marriage, booked us into counselling, supported him and his business troubles etc etc. I wanted to look our children in the eye and tell them I tried sooooo hard to make our marriage work.

The trouble was, he wasn't trying at all. He was still seeing the OW but was too spineless to leave me. I still stayed and fought. However, 7 months into the misery I issued an ultimatum - her or me. His answer? "How long have I got to decide". In that moment, I told him I had had enough, his time was up, and I meant it.

My children are sad their Dad doesn't live with them but they see him regularly (despite him moving miles away to be with OW, their secret baby (!!!) and their two subsequent kids).

I refused to be bitter and ruin my own life due to my anger towards him. I am always civil, sometimes even friendly. I have never bad mouthed their Dad to the kids (that's what friends are for!) and I believe they are happy, well adjusted children.

I am now in another relationship with a man that truly loves me. I can now see that my ex was a lazy, selfish, cowardly and spoiled Mummy's boy. The OW is welcome to him! My children are now witnessing a loving and equal relationship. We have our problems but we resolve them productively. What would they have learnt about relationships if I had stayed with their Dad? Me as a doormat, looking after him but getting nothing out of the relationship for myself? I would hate for them to think that was what relationships were all about and I actually believe I did them a big favour by getting out and showing them a different way.

He is treating you appallingly and you are letting him.

Leave and learn to be stronger. If he ever grows some balls and realises what he lost then he can date you, slowly regain your trust and you may learn to love him again despite everything he has done. Or you may just realise how much happier you are without that waste of space just like I did...

Best of luck.

Sorry op but most parents will always support their children even when they are in the wrong

Not true at all. Parents with integrity will tell their children if they're behaving badly. Some dear friends of my parents' son cheated on his wife and they were horrified and saddened that they'd brought someone up who could behave like that. They're still very much in touch with his now ex-wife.

OP - I agree it's really not fair to spring the double whammy of divorce and relocation on your kids all at once. From what you say it seems that you're doing so out of fear rather than ideology.

You must conquer your fear for the sake of your kids, and end this macabre dependence on the man who is treating you so badly.

If his parents have turned against you, it is because of what he has told them. He is the one responsible for the sea-change in their opinion.

I can't really see why you'd want to salvage the relationship, given that his parents are always going to be on the scene. And if he's finding it hard to divorce you, he's never ever going to divorce them.

I agree with PPs - can't you take the initiative in this and get your solicitor to start pushing for some kind of action? As things stand, with the constant humming and hawing over the house, he's got the best of all worlds for as long as he wants: meddlesome parents satisfied that a divorce is in motion, wife still functioning to all intents and purposes as wife, kids blissfully unaware that dad is, in fact, an adulterous cock. It's like the exact opposite of a 'long engagement'...

Come on, OP, you're worth more than this. Get your solicitor to strip back the emotional complications and tell you what, legally, needs to be done.

One other thing - are you sure the affair is actually over? Apologies if I have missed something but he doesn't sound like a man committed to making amends for his affair or trying to save his marriage.

I would suggest reading a book called How Can I Ever Trust You Again by Andrew Marshall. I found it really helpful and it certainly made me much more open to the signs the affair was ongoing...

Honestly Debbriana1 - its just a mess.....yes he sticks around to see the misery.

Example - In one of my stronger moments about 6 weeks ago, I put a schedule together for time with the children, thinking if I started trying to do things separately, it would make things easier when the time comes. Its failed miserably (which again I dont help!).

I suggested alternate weekends - although part of his working week includes a saturday. On my weekends I've done things with the children by myself, whether it be the park, trips out, visiting family etc etc, and have made excuses for his absence to the children (dad's got to pop to work, do some jobs etc etc).

His weekends..........non existent. Has no desire to do anything on his own. This weekend just gone, we went out for fireworks, swimming and dinner. The other week we did a halloween party together, previous to that a theme park.

So I plod along, agree to be included, get my hopes up, convince myself that this means he must love me and want to be with me, continue to wipe his arse, then when the wind changes I come tumbling down to earth. I accept I've allowed myself to be a doormat and I've made stupid decisions here.

Thanks for the suggestion on the book Els2. Affair is definitely done and dusted I'm certain of that x

Glad to hear the affair is over. The book is still useful though as it talks through how a couple can survive an affair and be happy again. I hope this is the case for you.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the perfect outcome would always be staying together and being happy. However, if that's not an option (because one person or the other is not willing to put the effort in) then you can be happy (or, dare I say it, happier) after a divorce although it may not feel like it at the time.

The key thing is to focus on you and your children and your/their needs and not his. He can sort himself out...

I'm reading this thread in shock and it just gets worse and worse. Your DH sounds like a spineless idiot who has done a real headfuck number on you.

You need to take back control. You deserve better. Divorce him as quickly as possible and seriously stop the happy family act - you are going to drive yourself mad. Be honest with your kids and take the pressure off yourself. You really need to toughen up and know your self worth - don't put up with this crap. He's a total dick - I'm fuming on your behalf!

He is instigating the divorce.
You need to make him sit down & tell the children.
he must take responsibility for his actions/parents actions.
This is OVER. please stop pretending it isn't by continuing the happy family farce.
The sooner you are away from the bunch of them, the happier you will be, & presumably him too, as he is removing the house from over your head...

I've spent this afternoon doing very little work and found myself looking daydreaming.

He text me after his mediation session to see if I fancied lunch - I've not responded.

I'm going to try and put my big girl pants on and sort this mess out. I've found some of the comments initially really difficult to read - but reflecting I know you're all right. He's a prized prick, but then so am I for allowing this drama to continue for so long.

I'm going to look and some of the suggestions for speaking to the children and address that probably over the weekend. I don't want to have to talk to them about it and send them off to school upset. At least if I talk to them friday/saturday I should be a little more prepared and can spend the weekend reassuring them etc.

It absolutely breaks my heart that its come to this and that things are such a mess.

Maybe though bringing it out more in the open will be what helps me move forward and plan ahead for me and dcs.

HE must be there also. HE is doing this to his children.
He can run home & cry into Mummy's apron....

Why are you acting like his wife when you know what he has and is doing go you, fgs you really need to wise up, this man is not your friend, nor are his parents, they've all proved that to you over and over again and still you play the dutiful wife, I'm baffled as to why.

Can you not leave and go to your parents, maybe then he might realise you're not going to continue to be his comfort blanket and might actually friggen do something about the house.

Sorry but the way you are behaving is basically telling him you don't want to split or sell - time to actually start acting like a person who's had enough and wants to move on, or stay, for the next thrilling drama and there will be, just like before.

He's cheated on you, lied repeatedly to you and is divorcing you.

Why are you still washing his clothes and cooking his dinner? Why are you still going on days out with him?

For "his" weekends, if he doesn't plan anything, either leave for the weekend and leave him to have a boring weekend with the children, or make arrangements and make it clear that he is not welcome. The time for playing happy families is long gone I'm afraid.

I mentioned plotting earlier, I wasn't referring to him trying to buy you out of the house, if he wants to do that, fine, what would concern me is that for someone who wants divorce, his delaying tactics are really weird, I'd be worried about whether he and his parents are plotting something else, what I do not know, but his behaviour is not normal.

Indeed HIS weekend with the kids os HIS weekend. You need to be out for the day. Leave him to it.

Leave his washing.
Don't shop or cook for him.

I suspect he is keeping you dangling because he hasn't found someone else who is prepared to do his wife work for him.

tornandhurt I think you need to keep posting, you obviously need some support! Have you told any of your friends what's going on?
I'm sure there are lots of posters here who can help you with how and what to tell the children.
This is an awful situation to be in but you really need to start detaching from your husband. Stop doing things for him and start living a separate life!