at what point is it reasonable to stop supporting her?

[MrsDeathOfRats]

Back in Feb my sis FINALLY left a very emotionally abusive and passive aggressive long term boyfirend with ALOT of daily support and help and talking from me.
I'm talking daily sobbing phone calls, emotional texts at night. For months afterwards constantly supporting her (emotionally, physically, financially) not to go back.

About 3-4 months ago she started up a FWB type relationship with a guy at work. He has turned out to be a total dick. Majorly fucked up himself. Serious issues surrounding trust and intimacy, vulnerability etc.
If they are messaging and she says something he doesn't like he will say 'block?' And if she doesn't apologise or show remorse he will block her on what's app for however long he feels is warranted.

She found out last week that she has just miscarried his baby. He asked her 'how did YOU get pregnant in the first place?' And would accept no responsibility. He then refused to speak to her for 2 days. When he 'came around' after the 2 days he told her he was shock. Never asked how she was etc.
She basically said 'too little too late' and his response was 'block?' And then he did.

Sis has spent the first few days feeling strong and resolved not to have any contact. But is now back to waiting and hoping for his attention. She knows (because I very bluntly tell her) what an asshole he is and that she should walk away. But she CHOOSES not to. Then expects to call/text me with constant questions etc obsessing about him and 'waiting to see if he will message her'.

Tbh, I'm exhausted by it all and pissed off. She continually chases down these wankers and gets herself addicted to them and refuses help but uses me to offload when they fight by saying all the stuff that she can't say to him to me instead.

But I feel bad giving up on her. I want to help away from him but she isn't interested in that. She just says 'I know' and then carries on.
AIBU to just stop giving advice and support and just always say 'OK' etc. If I do she will eventually stop talking to me I know that. But at the same time, I have my own problems (that she never engaged with btw, so this seems to work one way only) and 2 small DC who need my time emotion and attention.

Sorry for length! Well done for reading it all!

You've done enough. You're not responsible for her.

I think you need to detach a bit. You can't fix her

Sounds like she enjoys the drama. I'd leave her to it. You're probably feeding her behaviour by giving it emotional space, tbh

Can you tell her what you've said here? Something like 'you chase after knob ends and get yourself addicted to the crap, either dump and move on or suck up the shit because I don't want to know anymore'

Or something.

gamer I have said that. Without the I don't want to know anymore bit.
I can't quite bring myself to it her off as I'm afraid if I cut her off then she has no one else to support her and where might she end up?
But that's the point I'm at, cos it's me constantly picking her up so she can just run back to these losers again!

What age?

Under 25 - she needs to grow up. Provide some support.

Over 25 - beyond the point of no return. No point trying to help her, you can just try and mitigate the next disaster.

28. But she seems to think she is still 19 and has never had any real responsibility in her life.

I'm inclined to agree with other posters that tough love is the way forward here. Support of the feathery-stroky empathetic sort is clearly not working here; it might be time for some home truths.

That doesn't have to be cruel, just something along the lines of 'I can see this pattern is making you miserable and you always agree with me that this is true but then just keep on doing it again and again. You're the only person who can change the pattern, I will be your number one cheerleader when you do, but I don't want to hear any more about this wanker until you've left him'.

Ok, thanks. It's useful to hear it from others who are less emotionally attached.

In between abusive boyfriend and this twunt there was a reasonably nice lad... But she wasn't interested in him (could have turned into a twat but she never gave him a chance!) so it is definitely a love drama and thrill of the chase.

28. Hmm. Bit too old. Frankly the only way most people like this will change after the age of 25 is by having a brain transplant.

Im only slightly joking by saying - move to a different country and change your name.

By responsibility do you mean a job?

OP, perhaps the way to phrase it to say this man is clearly really bad for her and you don't want to enable his behaviour by supporting her when he treats her badly. So please not to be mentioning him again unless to say she's buried him under the patio moving on.

No, she has maintained employment since she was 17.

But she has rented here and there, usually in flat shares with friends.
No high level jobs, also a barista or shop floor worker (so no mane rial responsibility)
No kids, no savings, no mortgage, no pets etc.

Saying that she had a pet dog with her ex but it was his dog and he did everything for it. She would walk it if asked but otherwise it wasn't her 'responsibility'

She works for a luxury goods firm in central London and actually really wants my 3yr old dd to come see her at work because 'it would go for dd to see me working as a role model' (I don't work currently but I study) so she sees herself as a successful person.

I'm just sad about it all cos we used to be very close and my children adore her but she is on q self destruct mission and I'm tired of it. Tired of feeling used

*always a barista, not also.
And
No managerial no mane.

Autocorrect. Sorry

It does also occur to me, though, that she may have loved having you caring for her while she left her ex and be unconsciously creating a similar situation so you don't turn the spigot off.

Yes that's a good point.

I'm not going to cut her off completely. I don't think I could. But I need to switch off a bit as its so painful to watch her chasing after people who just hurt her.

I'm also absolutely gobsmacked that she I lets him treat her that way and seems to want more.
It's as if she lives in the perpetual hope that he will be different next time

TBH I think your sister's issues are deeper than a couple of iffy boyfriends. Was her very abusive ex part of a pattern or was she okay before then? Whatever the case, it's very likely that she's still deeply affected by that dysfunctional relationship and may genuinely think that because her current man is less of a dick than her ex this represents a 'good enough' relationship. Or it might be that she just doesn't know how to parse a relationship that doesn't involve the highs and lows of abuse and reconciliation. Has she had any kind of therapy? Looked at the Freedom Programme? There are lots of places she could turn to for help in overcoming the traumas she's lived through - it doesn't all have to be on you. You can be loving and supportive without enabling the self-destructive pattern she's currently stuck in.

This sounds horribly familiar...i had a long - standing best friend... since we were 12...she went thru 4 different live in r/s and 2 marriages...between age of 18-45....
I was always there,emotionally (3am phone calls,endless 'what does this mean?' conversations... etc etc), practically and to a certain extent financially...
there was a really. lovely boyfriend who was swiftly dumped... as not 'exciting enough' .. (also the ex husband turned up at.jer house and beat nice boyfriend to a pulp...)

I often had broken nights sleep worrying about her latest boyfriend /husband and how he badly was abusing her.... and what else I could do to help. Often, she was my last thought at night and my first thought in the morning...

In a headstorm it came to me-she loved the drama and attention it gained her... it. also meant she got out of doing stuff she didn't fancy.... (didn't feel up to it/no money as the last bloke stole all her money etc..)

as a mutual good friend said... ' I stopped running after her when I realised I was more bothered about her welfare than she was herself...

we're still friends.!

I have tried and tried to get her to seek professional help. She simply says 'I don't need it and I don't want it' and that's that.

Before the ex things were fine and normal as far as I know
Our childhoods weren't abusive.

I urged her last week to go get some advice after the miscarriage as she was inconsolable. Which I found strange as she fully admits if she had found out she was pregnant she would have aborted. Then it hit me that the emotions weren't for the baby but for him and his treatment of her.

Her response was 'I don't want help'.

I've been abused. I was horrifically abused by an ex (hospitalised, depressed, self harming. Took years of counselling that I still go to to get past it) I've been through what she is going through.
It's as if she simply doesn't seem to care that he is wrong. She is just ploughing forward regardless.

Yes I think I am more concerned for her welfare then she is.
I'm going to detach. Not disappear but just be less involved.

Thanks for chatting it over with me. I feel less guilty now

It is her choice.
You have choices too. In your shoes, I would taper off the support. She doesn't feel the need for counselling because you are filling that role.

Put a time limit on the venting/debriefing then say you have things to do and have to go. Slowly shorten the time frame. Then start to skip calls. She will notice and then just tell her the truth: she has used you up. You just can't do with all of that negativity all the time...she needs to find someone else - or hey, a new boyfriend.

Tapering off support doesn't mean disconnecting the relationship. Just when she starts in on bf drama subject. If changing the subject doesn't work then end the call/visit/outing. It may shock her a bit that your unconditional love for her has a boundary...but it is for your own mental health that you should set a boundary.

I agree that you should distance yourself from her. You've advised her and she's not listening to you so what can you do?

This is obviously a drain on you and is dragging you down. Don't let it.

Self preservation first!

Would she consider the Freedom Programme - she can do it online.

If you both have experience of abusive relationships then there's a history there somewhere. It doesn't come from nowhere. Just saying.

She's no different to any other addict - and by propping her up you're enabling her. Sadly, addicts need to hit bottom . torture to watch but there's no other way.

You're a good sister. You have to let her destroy herself

I googled the freedom programme and I sincerely doubt she would entertain the idea.

I told her to delete his number so that she wasn't tempted to contact him and she said 'I don't have to. I don't want to. Having his number (and whatsapp contact thingy) and not using it will make me stronger'

But in reality what it means is she can go onto whatsapp and obsess cos e was 'online' 20 mins ago and didn't message her.

So frustrating