OMFG: am a divorce cliché (long and ranty)

[Handywoman]

So 2.5yrs I called time on my EA marriage.

Am in the family home. My name on the deeds. He pays maintenance. Divorce plodding because he struggles to actually fill in forms and follow instructions but sort of happening and I've just received the draft consent order.

I work in a rewarding career I trained hard (harder than most given zero support) for but I work EOW and on call 2-3 times overnight per month.

He has a relationship with the dc which is great. But never bothers with them of his own volition. Can't make them a packed lunch. Can't be arsed with parents eve/concerts or to be involved with their lives as an Actual Parent. Having the dc is all part of fluffing up his Narc image. Everyone says what a great guy he is (all front I might add, there is literally nothing of any depth beneath - my therapist refers to him as 'very emotionally damaged') and he has gone off and re-invented himself, given himself a ridiculous hipster makeover, has an new/extensive circle of mates and a girlfriend. And a fucking stupid moustache. He now turns up at my house wearing dungarees which for a fat 45 year old is frankly hilarious.

He is about to move into a swanky new house up the road with the new gf more fool her the new house is nearer the school that dd1 attends and that dd2 will soon go to.

To date he has had the dc while I work. I've started a slightly different job meaning I'm now down to 2 on calls a month both being on a weekend due to new work pattern. So atm he sees them for one night EOW and that's it (while I'm working and on call). I literally either work or have the dc. He never thinks or wants to have the dc on any particular occasion. If I want him to have the dc the Fri before a work weekend I have to ask and he is often busy, like this week when he said he had other plans. This week was the first time he'd had them since 25th Oct except for Thurs I was desparate to go out (had OLD planned) so instructed him to take the dc to the fireworks.

I've done counselling for a year and psychoanalytic therapy since Jul. Last week's session left me feeling very vulnerable and dejected. I've been feeling strung out and left with absolutely fuck all opportunity to have a life and really look after mySELF unless I pull out all the stops and get babysitters to snatch the odd few hours where I can get out. I long to just get out an let my hair down! At the moment I feel desperate inside. My bestie lives in this town, I used to see her every week, we've seen each other through thick and thin. But lately she doesn't have so much time for me. I felt down this week (has brief chat to bestie about this). I messaged her during my working day yest. to see if she was in for a cuppa. No reply (unheard of).

Another friend invited me for coffee yesterday morning. We used to have loads in common, do lots together. She left her EA STBXH 6 yrs ago. Since meeting someone online she is now happily coupled up (am happy for her, obv) but while I was there she and her husband kept play-bickering with each other about how 'hard the other one is to live with' (in that annoying smug way) it was actually all quite tense with no girly catchup time and I left with a sigh of relief rather than feeling 'how nice to catch up with X'.

This evening my kids came home full of the joys of having lunch with my bestie, her kids and other mutual friends (one of whom is having a 40th b'day this weekend which I WAS looking forward to). I cried and cried alone in the bathroom while running dd2's bath.

STBXH asked yesterday if he would mind if we all (him, me, his gf) go to mutual friend's b'day (so he can fluff his Narc image a bit more) and be happy mates. Fuck that for a laugh. I wouldn't mind but I have no respect for me ex as his is a joke of a parent and takes Zero responsibility. I mean - Zero. He will be feign surprise when I tell him the kids are off school at Xmas and need childcare - no joke. For the first time I feel broken and rejected and like fucking them all off.

No time to myself and friends drifting off and I get to watch EA STBXH go off into the sunshine with his new beard and look like the sun shines out of his arse and carry on being on coupley with mutual friends while I get the dregs - work. or kids.

Have told ex I want to have a convo with him in the pub (so I can broach the idea of him stepping the fuck up) but I'm fearful he'll just be his usual nasty self and just refuse to do any more.

I'm a fecking Divorce Cliché. What next - purchase lots and lots of cats???????

Oh lord. That was So lonnnnnnnng. Someone, AF, anyone, slap me round the face and Help me to Man up and get Outa This Hole.

You don't need to purchase cats - if you;re really as cliched as you think, they will come to you

Seriously he sounds like a right arse - try & ignore as much as possible apart from laughing at the dungarees

He's still a fat fuck even if he has a new gf.

You got the best bit - the kids, and if he's too much of a twat to appreciate them that's his loss.

I'm sorry about your friends, it sounds like you need new more supportive ones.

Witch thanks - re cats - haha!

The dungarees. Yes. At least I can laugh at the dungarees.

The rest is all shit.

At my newly coupled friends as I was saying how hard it all is / how impossible OLD is with no life her dp chimed in re ex: 'why did you get together with him?' He himself had a failed marriage. I felt like telling him to feck off back to Smugland. Am officially a miserable cow right now.

Dungarees?! And a tache?
That totally outclasses my XH turning up in double denim and too much sideburns.

You think you're the divorce cliché?

It is hard, I really feel for you.
What are your chances of TELLING him he's having the kids 2 nights a week?

Well yeh I guess you are a cliche. Makes two of us. Cliches are cliches because they are true.

I could have written your post. Apart from the dungarees. That is fucking hilarious.

I'm meeting him Tues eve.

It's arranged.

Someone give me the strength......

My lawyer says you can't make men see their kids.

I say the law is a freaking ass.

I hope that on Tuesday he is wearing his dungarees.

That will help.

And breathe.

Lol at the cats. When i was about a year post divorce my lovely DM told me she'd read in the daily fail that women with a cat had little chance of a relationship, women with two cats zero chance and were destined to be enbittered spinsters. My XH left the two cats behind along with the two dogs (and the best bit the two DC).

It takes time to find yourself. You don't need to reinvent yourself but life will evolve. It is different being a single parent to being just a singleton. Over time you will start to have longer term dreams and wake up looking forwards to the day rather than feeling here we go again and being weighed down by your current load.

I envy your sucessful career. I had one pre DC but gave that up when DS1 proved too much of a challenge for XH to look after. You have a lot about you, even from the little you've written that can be seen.

An aunt said to me about mutual friends after my split that they weren't taking sides by going out to diner with him. They were going out to diner with a friend. If they turned down my diner invite then i could say they have taken sides but otherwise they were just continuing friendships. It made me think what an awkward position people can be put in and not to read too much into things. As it was I chose to move quietly out of some friendships and over time have found others.

I did remarry, i have three DC now. A nice for us house, the odd holiday and a few good friends. I don't have a lot to do with XH. His blowing money and high life post divorce couldn't be sustained. I think two years of excess he's still paying for five years on. He's certainly aged and has even tried to proclaim it was all a midlife crisis. Who knows but life does move on and yours will too.

I understand how you feel Handywoman. Watching my ExH swanning about in vehicles I bought doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants while I slug my guts out is really difficult. He even has the gall to put spanner in the works / criticise the arrangements I have to make to ensure that I can work and bring up the kids without any help from him. I find it especially painful that he manages to project this 'poor misunderstood hard done by nice guy' image. He even works regularly now which is something he never did when we were married.

However, he is a lazy, narcissistic, immature and unreliable twat and those of us who know him well know that it is only a matter of time before the house of cards crashes down around him. When I feel hard done by I try to remember how utterly miserable he made our lives - alienating friends, wrecking the house and Making us broke.

Life is hard now but is so much better than before and will only continue to get better for me and the kids. It's sad but I doubt the same is true of his life. I feel so grateful to be free of him to get on with life, however tricky things are.

I have two cats and I've been married for 15 years, so bollocks to that. Cats rock.

Fuck I have 5 cats I'm doomed! Want one OP?
I think you are doing good. How old are your children? I wouldn't be meeting him in the pub tho I would be texting or emailing.

Why are you meeting him? Why are you even giving him the opp to do what you know he's going to do?!?

Yours are the bonds of parentry, not pals. Cancel the pub. And send him a text to the effect that he can take the DCn to the party without you. And you get some time to yourself for a bubble bath or jumping the pizza delivery guy, if you prefer.

I'm 2 years post divorce. Ive got 2 cats . No advice, but I feel your pain.

Anyway re your ex wearing dungarees. Yesterday I saw my ex ON A SKATEBOARD!! he's 42 FFS!!

You know there are worse things than cats? I love cats.
I'd have a whole clowder if I could but unfortunately my OH hates them, thinks they're always plotting something. I don't think they're ever going to take over the world though? Mind you, you never know...... All hail feline overlords!

Anyway. If I were you OP I'd be thankful he's gone and you've made a life for yourself and a nice home for many many cats and a nice home for your DC. Friends are fickle, I'm thinking that even more after reading a lot of MN threads. I know its cliché but maybe find a hobby a night a week and tell OH he is having the kids, he made em so he should have them too. Maybe think about demanding a set routine? Every other weekend for example, set a little you time aside.
No matter how bad your feline (ha!) At least you don't have a dungaree clad dead weight round your neck like a collar

Where are you? If you're in the central belt of Scotland can I be your friend please. If this is how funny you are at a low ebb I'm coming round to your for tea and chat for the foreseeable.

Sorry, but I am LOLing at a fat forty-five-year-old in dungarees and with a moustache. Is he modeling his new look on Super Mario?

He isn't going to step up. He is a thundercunt. I'm sorry you're in this boat. I am too. But the dungarees. That is really special. You are very funny. You will find a way.

Oh jeez ASAS I'm miles away

I don't know how I've ended up so low.

my bestie just text me and I gave her shit via text telling her how I feel. I've never done that. It was not very nice of me but it was honest and I got it out, however ugly, which felt better than just avoiding her. But I hate hate hate that I've got to this point. I've been so much better than this. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Hahaha to the Skateboard! Please keep the twatty ex descriptions coming they are actually making me laugh........

Got therapy tomorrow and dreading it.

My plan for Tuesday is to tell him I am expecting 2 nights EOW plus Tuesday eves.

I am sure he will tell me how it's not possible because he is busy and has to get up early for work blah blah blah.

Another poster who thinks she is the OP

Let's make a new clique

I totally get you.

Super Mario. just spat tea everywhere

I don't have any helpful advice, except to say I am going through similar (divorcing an emotionally abusive husband) and you have my sympathies.

Ultimately he will be the one to lose out when his children start to realise he is a self-absorbed twat if the dungarees aren't bad enough to make them run a mile.

Can you ask a parent or even smug friends to help you out for a day so you get a little break?

My exH is a shit dad who was very EA and can't be arsed to see his children, and counsellors told me that I can't change him, I can only change my reaction to him. It's simple but hearing them say that worked wonders for me. If you know he will continue to be a twat, please don't meet him in the pub and set yourself up for a fall.

If he is anything like my EA twat of a husband, you can't ask him to make general changes like 'Man the fuck up', instead you will have to handle each event individually and just state 'you need to have the children this weekend as I am working. I will drop them to you at 8pm' or whatever.

I appreciate this is very difficult to do, but might give you back some power in this situation?

My negotiations will go along the lines of, commit to SOMETHING MORE or give me more maintenance. £100 more. It's what I'm due although I would rather have some TIME.

I've just changed him in my phone contacts to 'Super Mario' might also download an avatar to go with.

It's perfect. Thanks for that.

I luffs you all. Now I am crying because of THAT!

My stbx is in my phone as GF because the OW is a Grandmother.
Gives me a giggle every time I message or email.

OP, I think we will tie ourselves up in knots if we insist they see the children. XH was a glorified babysitter. Last time he sat 'for me' he called me to tell me he was tired, going home but it was ok because the were asleep. Needless to say, I came home. He couldn't understand why I was angry.

I just think we really have our work cut out with these atrocious thundercunts. It's time to be brave. I don't know about you but I need to be clear, concise and know what I'm asking for. So I don't weaken under his overbearing bullying.

These men lack the emotional intelligence to deal with matters of the heart.