Glowfrog, how you express it probably means there's an element of loss of this "rational self" in process.
Most of the research really highlights that you have to take care of the basics first. Sleep, food, exercise.. these are the basics of managing anger effectively. Then there are very effective anger management strategies.
But as this guy here, Russell Kolts says, anger management strategies have great evidence but people find them hard to use. Part of that relates to shame and a lack of self-compassion:
In terms of what you say about nature, we ALL share a genetic heritage that includes aggression and alienation. It's our "reptilian" brain. When we feel under threat in some way, or we are struggling to self soothe, our "reason" can go out the window, and we can make bad choices.
When life is good and people are rested and well nourished, have purpose in their life and have people around them who support them, people have more resources for not acting out when they feel uncomfortable or difficult feelings.
Anger - or indeed any pain - is telling something to you. Because part of what’s going on is that there's a sense something is not as you want it or not as it should be and it stirs up all this difficulty.. and underneath that if you can flip it over there’s yearning for something.
So maybe your father's sarcastic outburst made you feel inadequate in ways that show up when your child does things that annoy you. Or maybe you're just tired. Or maybe you're being a bit mean because you feel weak and it feels a bit powerful. Or maybe all of the above.. or none of the above.
But whatever it is, it's not just you. Lots of other people have been through this, do this, go through this. What's important is the genuine desire and intention to commit to relating to your daughter in ways that reflect the person you want to be as a parent.
And hole, I hear you. My parents were at times extremely emotionally abusive - my father is an alcoholic and my mother was very anxious and depressed and would fly into rages over minor things probably because she had very little power in her marriage.
So for me it's not a matter of condoning or validating behaviour that's damaging, just recognising that the only power any of us have in any given moment is in that moment - and at those times, if you're trying to apply, say, a positive parenting strategy and failing because you're knackered and feel crap about yourself, shame and self criticism are going to make you shout louder and even, for some people, make them hit out. It just doesn't work well as a behaviour change strategy.
On a moment to moment basis, committing to what's important - I want to be a caring parent - is more pragmatically useful and supports people to make positive changes better, often, than focusing on how they've hurt or damaged someone with their anger.