Can therapy change your parenting?

[glowfrog]

Hello all

I'm wondering whether to get some therapy to deal with my issues.

I have 3/nearly 4 year-old DD1 and a 7-month old DD2. I'm exhausted at the moment and pretty hormonal from breastfeeding BUT I don't think it completely explains or "excuses" my outbursts of anger towards my DD1.

It's not actually that I lose my temper but rather than I'm sometimes mean and petty when I do. I hate myself so much afterwards. I don't want to be like this. I remember my dad being like this sometimes - quite sarcastic towards me and my siblings - and I hated it. Whether it's nature or nurture, I want to be different.

Would therapy help? Has it helped anyone here?

fusion - how did you get to be so wise? Are you a therapist? And can you recommend any books that helped you?

No not a therapist, but I think edging that way slowly but surely. I've recently started training to be a Mindfulness teacher but my primary interest is in Compassion Focused Therapy, which is a type of therapy that Russell Kolts in the video uses alongside CBT and a therapy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which is a type of behavioural intervention that includes mindfulness and acceptance. I'll have to train as a therapist to offer it though, just waiting on my smallest to be a little bit bigger before I go down that path as I have been told it turns you inside out and upside down!

I had a very tough time after the birth of my second son, really worrying about what kind of parent I would be and become, probably precipitated by the fact I was threatening miscarriage throughout the pregnancy. I had never really thought of myself as anxious but I was literally climbing the walls. That's nearly six years ago now, and I had about three years of weekly therapy, as well as beginning to practice mindfulness and doing various courses. I did mainly Mindfulness based therapy like this: www.thehousepartnership.co.uk/therapy-mindfulness-london/

I still have issues sometimes, I'm not perfect, but that's sort of the point of mindfulness, to be able to know it and see it, forgive yourself mistakes and rework any paths that are worn or not workable any longer.

My key book at this point is probably the Kabat Zinn's Mindful Parenting, but I didn't like it when I first read it! I thought it was poncey and irritating but I was very defended and irritable a lot of the time back then. One that helped me at that time was "The Joy of Parenting" by Lisa Coyne and Amy Murrell as well as Mindful Motherhood by Cassandra Vieten, which was for the first year after birth.

Glow, I'm sorry to hear you experienced such trauma. It will be part of all of this. The mind has its own wisdom and it tries to protect us from going back there. 1 in 4 of us has experienced this. The great news is there are now so many effective therapies that can let the past rest in the past so you can get on with what matters to you now xx

"The mind has its own wisdom and it tries to protect us from going back there. "

Absolutely. It's hard to tell for sure but I often that other people seem to remember a lot more of their childhood than I do, and I've been thinking for a long time that I have probably deliberately "forgotten" a lot of it, or wasn't "paying attention" at the time because I might have been trying to repress what was happening around me.

I will look into mindfulness therapy.

Your thoughts have been really interesting and helpful so far, and I don't think I realised I did need a little kindness until you showed me some - so I think you'll make a great therapist. :-)