DH, his family, and leaving me with DS and terrified dog this weekend

[Nancery]

I think past history may be winding me up and colouring views. In brief, very brief, DH has had lots of counselling due to his relationship with his parents and how it's influenced, and still is if you ask me, almost every aspect of his life. He feels extraordinarily guilty if he doesn't please them / things don't turn out how he thinks they want them to / everything doesn't go to plan if they are involved. (Eg he got very annoyed with me one Christmas as I spent two hours on the phone to a good friend whose wife had died two months earlier because I wasn't sitting and playing games with his family 'and mum and dad', but then apologised for being in another room when I came back in which was also 'not nice for mum and dad as nobody wants to hear about people dying of cancer at Christmas' - I only mentioned it briefly, to explain why I had been out the room so long as otherwise it would seem rude. - there are hundreds of similar examples)

His brother is having a bonfire party tomorrow, he's staying overnight, and I can't go as we can't take the dog (and there is nowhere for her, the dog, to stay.) DH has told his parents he's going, and his family are all going to be there. If he tries to put DS (3) to bed it all goes pearshaped, lots of tears and hysteria, so I always do it (he's a brilliant dad in other ways) and after several 'dry runs' this week it's not got any better so the original idea of DH taking DS to the party has been shelved. We are working on the bedtime thing but this weekend is too soon. (There will be lots of noise etc too, which could make it even more difficult, all his nephews and nieces are in their 20's and sound carries in the house.) However, the dog is terrified of fireworks, there are lots going off around here which is also likely for tomorrow, and I'm at home alone with DS. If the fireworks wake DS, likely, I am then struggling with the terrified dog and wide awake possibly freaked out child (dog can't come upstairs due to the cat, but I don't want DS downstairs instead of in bed.) But, DH won't cancel or come home earlier (it's 90 mins away, and his family are arriving 'for lunchtime') "because mum and dad are going" and he "can't let them down"

I realise I might be being a bit PFB and really if DS cries it won't kill him, but DH being so inflexible because it's all about his parents is winding me up! He also doesn't want 'mum and dad to have their evening ruined' because he's upstairs a lot with DS. (But, as I say, this might be more due to previous history and the lengthy counselling and anxiety issues.)

Woa, he can't let his parents down, but can let you struggle? Not ok.

Hmmm. Normally I wouldn't mind being home at all, but it could become a pain in this instance due to bloody fireworks. I understand he wants to see all his family and have a lovely time etc, but think if it wasn't parent related he would be a lot more flexible.
I find it hard to discuss with him as it winds me up so much! (Hence me paying for him to see yet another counsellor...!)

I think this is one occasion where actually he isn't being unreasonable. All his family are going to the party so obviously he would like to be there. That's perfectly normal family behaviour irrespective of previous issues. In your boat I'd probably organise a dog sitter and go too.

Being on your own with a toddler and a dog is not a major deal though. Lots of us are in the same boat - I personally have a 2 year old, a baby and two dogs (one is terrified of fireworks) and a DH who works away. All you need to do is organise things so that you can manage.

The dog is going to be scared whatever (at least mine is), so put her somewhere safe. Is she crate trained as a covered crate would be an ideal 'safe zone' for her. Otherwise a small room with a washable floor so if she pees it won't be a problem. Put her bed in a dark corner away from windows, behind a piece of furniture maybe - basically make a den and close the door. She'll feel as safe there as anywhere, so that's the best you can do.

If DS wakes due to the noise let him watch the fireworks out of the window (if you can see them). DD(2) loves them. Most kids do. If you make out it is fun, and amazing, wow, look! etc you should be ok.

Whatever you do don't get stressed about a stressed dog (you can't cure her fear in one night), and don't assume it'll be a disaster.

He should be able to look after his own child for one evening, and actually if you are not there to take over, he will manage. As long as you are happy that he will look after him around bonfires and fireworks! I will stay home and relax with the dog. My friend has got a sedative from the vet for her dog.

Why can't do go to the party and just stay up?

I tried to organise a dog sitter but can't, otherwise I'd be going.
I think the previous issues are colouring my views. I think it's making me resent being in the position of potentially juggling both child and dog alone when the only reason for it is DH's parents. (My DH works away too, and normally it's not an issue.)

In case it helps - Our dog is petrified of fireworks as well - he likes to hide in a cupboard or has been known to squeeze himself under the sofa! This evening he was in my tiny wardrobe on top of all my shoes and hardly visible as clothes everywhere - I could just see his nose picking out and he had stopped shaking and was happier! I left the the door ajar so he could get out when he wanted to.

Sort out a cubby hole for the dog then you only have to worry about your little one

Um. What?? It's one evening.
I've got three kids and two dogs, both of whom hate fireworks. Give the dog a really really long walk in the day, pick up some calming stuff from the pet shop, keep them shut in the room furthest away from your Ds with the radio on loud. It's really not a biggie.

I would really just tell him to take your ds and let him cope with it. What is the worst that could happen? He goes to sleep a lot later than usual. You dh will cope. You can have a peaceful night in.

So struggling involves being at home for one night on your own with the baby and dog whilst there are fireworks going off?

Are you not being a bit over dramatic - it's one night. The fireworks won't last all night surely so the dog will settle again, at least Ours does. I'm sure lots of people manage with a dog and a child with fireworks going off.

You sound pissed off that dh 8s spending the night at the beck and call of his parents and you may well be justified in feeling that way as there is history re this but I don't think the baby/dog/fireworks combo enhances your argument

I don't think this is about dogs and fireworks.
I think the op is fed up of her DH's parents having control over him.
That element would piss me off also.

Cross post ihate

I think you are right, its previous history re his parents that is winding me up. If it was a bonfire party at a friends I don't think I'd be too bothered, but I am bothered by the 'but it's mum and dad' side of things.

(Which also explains why I'm talking about it on here rather than with DH!)

I would actually encourage your DS to go with him, let him stay up VERY late and hopefully he will fall asleep quickly when he goes to bed with DH. Surely his parents will be upset if DS isn't there anywhere?

As an aside his childlike need to keep his parents happy at all cost would really irritate me too.

Hmm well your example doesn't seem so terrible although if your DH has had years of counselling I assume they've done much more awful things than that.

Really though, if you take out the background, he'd still be going if his family were throwing a big bonfire party (and if they were that dreadful why was he planning on taking your DS/the only reason you're not going is because of your dog?) meaning you'd be at home with the dog and your DS. So, practical ways of dealing with that is what's needed.

Does your dog have a crate? Mine copes if I throw a blanket over the top of it and shut him inside (seems a bit counter-intuitive to me but he's much happier in there than on the sofa having a cuddle). Or could you put him in the cupboard under the stairs? And your DS has presumably had other fireworks evenings in his life if he's 3 so has either slept through them or you've comforted him before. If he wakes up, you can bring him downstairs if you need to and cuddle up together. While it's not ideal, he's not at school and it's one night at the weekend.

I'm sorry if I'm coming across as rubbishing your concerns but I think they're manageable.

Funny the counselling hasn't worked, but then if he isn't talking openly or admitting the behaviour that is odd the counsellor can't help.

It's a bit as if he has to prove to himself that his DPs need/want him there. Is he perhaps the less favoured and his DB the golden boy, but DH for his own sake has to maintain a pretence that the DPs really value his presence?

Definitely sounds a bit childish to be rushing to the DPs, his family is you and DS.

I kind if get it.
My DH is often summoned up to his families 100 miles away for various big get togethers and I wish he'd say no a bit more. Particukarly as he only gets two weekends off a month.
So tomorrow I will join him and two wingeing kids to travel 3 hours to attend a bloody anniversary party then sleep in a strange bed, then travel back Sunday, unpack, catch up with stuff ready for school and work for Monday. What a relaxing weekend!!
I often don't go but then miss out on time as a family.
I sympathise.

Thanks for your replies.
The counselling revealed that he feels guilty for being, well, here. He us the youngest of four, his brothers being 12, 10 and 8 yrs younger. When he was born his father was made redundant and it was very tough money wise. He always felt like he needed to please them, and this has continued. He had / still has to an extent anxiety issues as he susequently felt like he wasn't good at his job (this is nonsense) or could talk to people without burning up. The counselling has been on and off for ten years. He realises there are issues with his parents but can't stop himself freaking out over wanting to please his parents and behave like the person he thinks he wants them to be.
Does that make sense?
(It's really helping writing about it, in all other ways he is great - honest!)

His parents are quite controlling, but not in a feisty way. They 'fret' about absolutely everything - and seem to live their lives worrying that they are going to annoy or offend someone else (eg they live in a detached house but still won't put the washing machine on after 6pm 'because of the neighbours') or something will make them ill or they will die of something hideous. And this transfers into their kids too (DH brother has been seeing a psychiatrist and his other brother now has no teeth as he used to spend hours flossing and picking them as a result of anxiety and his mother 'worrying he'd get a filling.)

You may not want to hear this Op, but it may not be your in laws are the problem, hence why the counselling hasn't work. Your Dh has to want to change his ways. He is using his family as an excuse to do what he wants.
Fwiw I wouldn't send a 3 year old somewhere unsuitable (to make a point) that is noisy/scary/unfamiliar to him, where he would probably be very upset and possibly terrified.
I hope your night is going well op

FeeksLikeHome123 I don't think it's that, I think it's just that it's very ingrained behaviour. He thinks it has worked, and in some contexts it has (he doesn't freak out over work stuff much any more, and that was something that was stemmed from his mum.)

it's just this example that could sound like he's using them to actually do what he wants. (Writing in dribs and drabs as talking to DH at same time, the bonfire party is actually tomorrow)
Thanks for replies though, appreciate it x