I think my friend with benefits has evolved

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I have evolved into quite a weird situation and wanted advice on moving forward or not as the case may be.

We started out as friends with benefits, which was all either of us wanted. We liked each other a little more than expected. It's been going on for three months now and bit by bit it's evolved.

Right now the setup is that we have no label for what we are, but it works like this:

We have sex, with a lot of affection, always a sleepover, often the day together too. We talk and share and we're pretty close. We tell each other first when something happens. If I as upset or worried about something he'd be on the list of who I'd call. I've met his friends, he's not met mine yet but we've talked about it (he's shyer than me). We always meet at my place because he has flatmates. We sometimes go on dates and do stuff together. We have had the exclusivity talk and we only date / see each other. We see each other as much as possible, although sometimes I feel he could rearrange his schedule a bit to fit on more time but he says he wants to see me more than we do. I feel he holds back to stop us becomign too much of a couple. He's said he holds back at times because he feels he might be falling for me and doesn't want to. We message a lot when we don't see each other. Not every day, but sometimes for hours. It's never sexting, just sweet stuff. We make plans together for birthdays.

At the start he liked me much more than I liked him but he's grown on me and now I like him a lot and want a relationship. I've not really told him this, but do you think I should?

I know he's worried about a few things. but I just want to give it a go

How would things be different if you had a " relationship " ?

How long and in what context did you know him before? Why did you become "FWB" and not just a relationship?

I met him on a work dinner, I got him to take a photo of me with friends. He asked me to dinner. He found me on Facebook the next day and added me. I didn't fancy him but liked him. We chatted as friends, quite closely sometimes over about a year. He said all that time he wasn't in a place in his life to offer someone serious commitment (not with me with anyone) but he thought we would get on and one day I just went for it because he'd asked that many times and I was having a bad day and feeling a bit lonely and had just split with someone else. Never anticipated we would get on so well or there would be quite so much chemistry.

What is missing from my end is seeing him more often basically, and it's the fact that he tries deliberately not to get too close I think that stifles that. I also want him to stop seeing it as temporary and have an open mind. He wants long term with me, but temporary and he thinks I am going to meet someone else and stop seeing him. I'm not! the only reason right now that I am not completely committed is that he's not.

You need to have a total cards on the table discussion. Tell him how you feel, and then see what he says.

I am always slightly wary of the 'you will meet someone else, you're too good for me' line though - a pedestal is a dangerous place to be.

Good luck :)

It seems you're wanting more than him and I suggest you hang cool and wait to see if he resolves his worries as coming on strong at this point in time may drive him away.

Your fwb arrangement has only been going for 3 months and, as you barely know him, it's far too early to start thinking in terms of taking it to another level and you're best advised to wait for at least another 3 months, during which time how he feels should become apparent by the amount of time he wants to spend with you at Christmas and New Year, before declaring your feelings.

You've mentioned having just split up with another guy before you got together with this fwb and I'm wondering whether some emotional neediness is driving your desire to turn this pleasant liaison into a committed relationship?

Exactly what it is, I feel torn between the need to lay cards on the table and the fear of driving him away. He has a deep seated fear here, which preceded being with me, of getting into a full relationship right now and I want him to make the choice in his own time of course.

The thing though is, when you are seeing someone who does not want to call it a relationship, and wnats to fight hard not to feel to much for you, and does not want to think of any day beyond today and does not expect it to last.....you feel it. It doesn't feel nice when you feel that, especially if you know you want all those things.

The guy I split up with I felt nothing at all for. This one is completely diferrent.

But as you say...he might well see it as a pleasant liason :(

I think you need to know either way. I think it sounds like boyfriend and girlfriend behaviour to me, and you need the label. Other people have the label with this sort of relationship- why shouldn't you? I think it's cards on the stake tine too, but I wouldn't phrase it like an ultimatum. I'd tell him how this is making you feel and see how he responds. Worked with my current boyfriend.
I don't think it's necessarily insecurity or emotional neediness to want to be able to say he's your boyfriend- personally it is about boundaries for me. Someone doesn't get my support, to spend all day with me, introduced to friends etc etc, unless he's my boyfriend.

Table time, rather

He's wasting your time. If he was into you commitment wouldn't be an issue. Lay it on the line, you have nothing to lose

Shy people can't have sex?

You can't drive someone away if they're really into you.

You've got nothing to lose by putting your cards on the table and it's important not to get in deeper if he will never commit. He's sounds like a commitmentphobe who's got exactly the kind of relationship that suits him.

You need know as soon as possible if he will never give you want you want.

He's sounds like a commitmentphobe who's got exactly the kind of relationship that suits him.

Yes, I think that is it

That's not accurate though BH. He's taken me as his date to dinners with his friends. They all know about me. He is nervous meeting mine. He's a bit shy, which you can be and also have sex with anyone at all. He's very interested in what Ive told friends about him and all that.

Also, not true about the commitment to me thing...we knew each other a long time and he went on dates with two girls in that time and didn't want a full relationship with either of them (also didn't want to see either of them again) so it's defnitely about him and not me.

I'm not arguing that he might not like me enough to want a future with me (you might be right) but I do think applying your situation to mine isn't going to help me come to answers that are best for me.

There isn't a one size fits all for people and relationsships. I have dated people who have been far more committed and have treated me less well, been less considerate and affectionate and loving and he's not the typical man looking for a shag. Have known him ages and chatted plenty of times as friends and know quite a bit about him and his history.

He's never had a FWB. never had a one nighter even. I know your guy sounds like an arse but this one isn't The question is really about whether or not our own present needs and wishes can work together

I know you're trying to protect me from going through the sane as you did but you must make some allowances for the fact that we are different people and this has been going on for nine weeks snd has already escalated to close to what a relationship looks like. I'm not in denial and will take on board opinions but it's unfair and unhelpful to think of two situations as the same.

Just before I posted this I searched to read other threads and saw a lot of your posts and it doubled awful. Sorry. But also many relationships do start off as casual and turn into something more. Also not all men are horrible. I know a lot are on MN but this one isn't!

If you're no longer happy with the FWB thing, can't you just say so? I'm getting in deeper than I intended and starting to fall for you. I know you don't want to go down that route so I think we'd better call it a day, don't want anyone getting hurt. Then if he wants more out of the relationship as well, that is his perfect opportunity to say so.

broken, FWB things CAN turn into something. Mine has lasted more than 30 years, after me nearly ditching my FWB because I thought I was falling for him and it wasn't reciprocated. I didn't want to get hurt when he moved on, but eventually I just thought "Well I enjoy his company and the sex is great. Just enjoy while you can". Turned out he was falling for me too, and was completely gobsmacked when he told me so out of the blue.
So if you're prepared to be hurt carry on enjoying what you have without analysing it, and see what happens.