I think my friend with benefits has evolved

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I have evolved into quite a weird situation and wanted advice on moving forward or not as the case may be.

We started out as friends with benefits, which was all either of us wanted. We liked each other a little more than expected. It's been going on for three months now and bit by bit it's evolved.

Right now the setup is that we have no label for what we are, but it works like this:

We have sex, with a lot of affection, always a sleepover, often the day together too. We talk and share and we're pretty close. We tell each other first when something happens. If I as upset or worried about something he'd be on the list of who I'd call. I've met his friends, he's not met mine yet but we've talked about it (he's shyer than me). We always meet at my place because he has flatmates. We sometimes go on dates and do stuff together. We have had the exclusivity talk and we only date / see each other. We see each other as much as possible, although sometimes I feel he could rearrange his schedule a bit to fit on more time but he says he wants to see me more than we do. I feel he holds back to stop us becomign too much of a couple. He's said he holds back at times because he feels he might be falling for me and doesn't want to. We message a lot when we don't see each other. Not every day, but sometimes for hours. It's never sexting, just sweet stuff. We make plans together for birthdays.

At the start he liked me much more than I liked him but he's grown on me and now I like him a lot and want a relationship. I've not really told him this, but do you think I should?

I know he's worried about a few things. but I just want to give it a go

Look brokenhearted, we can agree to disagree.

I personally think if you start off as a casual shag with someone and 8 dates later you are their date to their birthday party and meeting their friends then you are moving pretty quickly - even as a girlfriend - but we all have diferrent standards. I've dated people much longer and never gotten there.

I can only base my opinion of him on what I have known for the last 16 months, not based on what you know of your ex....and I am not being difficult but I do think you're projecting in the extreme here and have lost the ability to see people are diferrent.

I also know plenty of people who started casual and fell in love unexpectedly. Remember exactly that happenned to me. This fella was asking me out for donkeys and I wasn't remotely interested and look at me now. People change their mind and quite often fall in love with the last person they expected at the last time they expected it.

My friend just married a guy she gave a fake number to in a bar one night. Funny things happen.

I'm not living in a fantasy land but I certainly have an open mind at present over whether or not we have a futur, rather than shutting it off based on platitudes.

Very good advice upaladder. Congratulations on being the exception to the rule. And yes, I have already dumped him for that same reason, and he has already told me he is falling for me too.

OP, if you are more into him than he is into you, you will end up getting hurt sooner or later. Fair enough, he might have other issues around relationships but you need to seriously consider how long you are prepared to wait for him to possibly put those aside, and then maybe be interested in a proper relationship with you. You could be in limbo for months/years. If you're ok with that, then fine. But I would be wary of wasting my time on someone who perhaps just wasn't that into me.

I would either tell him how you feel and that you want more from him, or pull back on the more relationship-y stuff you do together and stay purely as FWB. The sleepovers and sort-of dates are just muddying the waters for you. In either case, if it turns out he wants more, he will tell you. If not, it may be horrible, but at least you'll know for sure.

For goodness sake brokenhearted.

I've no need to prve anything to you. I just completely disagree with you and think you are projecting.

When have I aid it was in the bag anywhere here? The total opposite. I said I had an open mind.

you seem very invested in concvining someone you don't know that someone else you don't know doesn't like them!

I could be more into him than he is into me, but this is not what he says. I obviously feel worried about that, but taking it on face value is important if you feel trust and respect for someone and don't believe they would lie to you. He says he is much more into me than he anticipated being. I believe (sorry brokenhearted) he is telling the truth because I have known him a while and he seems very honorable and honest.

The issues is that obviously being into me does not mean we will want the same things, and I want more closeness and he wants to keep things as they are so obviously I need to figure out a time limit if I do give him more space on this one.

Your three months in, that's it.

You could do the cards on the table thing. If you do I would keep it lighthearted "can we try girlfriend and boyfriend out for size?" Type thing.

But personally I'd just enjoy it.

Yes, that's probably good advice. It's only been a short time so maybe give it a bit longer.

I definitely am not comfortable with becoming the type of person to assume the worst all the time and allow myself to react as if everyone is out to harm me. I've been hurt very badly in the past by men who weren't so nice. I've been messed around by players. Cheated on and have also had one or two wonderful relationships with genuinely good men who I am still happy to call good friends. I want to keep a little faith stll going.

However you define the relationship now doesn't really matter.

If it ends it's still going to hurt because you are already attached. If he's a shit he will be a shit whether he is a FWB, darling boyfriend, DP or DH. If you're having fun youre having fun.

You're unlikely to be getting engaged any time soon and he's already treating you as a girlfriend. So I would have though things are going pretty well for three months.

I know it would matter for many people and they would want that talk. However I would just enjoy.

Commitment phobe is bullshit. he doesnt want to commit to you.

Some men are commitmentphobes, some don't want to commit to you. It's not either/or.

Some men are terrified of all relationships, and generically date women short term, and some men pretend to be afraid of commitment when actually they just don't want full blown relationship at the time. There many different variants and it's not obvious yet which this guy is.

I would ask him straight before I got in deeper.

That's very true Toffee, so maybe a good idea to focus on what really bother me - not enough time together - rather than arbitrary labels.

That's true Yseulte. I personally am not sure which he is yet. I am not even sure he is a true commitment phobe as there is also a possibility he needs some security and encouragement from me and he might change a little. Definitely I have not made it clear quite how I feel or what I want, although I've said what behaviors annoy me, I've never said "I want a future".

Seemed too early.

Mind you, writing, the declaration was after we'd been together, without discussing what sort of relationship we had, for 18 months. Take your time. It isn't a race. Let it grow and mature organically.

Well, my FWB was adamant that he'd never get married again.....we got married 18 months after the FWB thing first started. (Oh and he moved in with me after 3 months of starting).

See how it develops over the next month or two and take it from there.
Whatever it is - enjoy it!

Give it a bit of time, I wouldn't define your relationship as fwb, it is much more than that already.

You're already in a relationship - what you're describing is not fwb as I understand it.
If you really feel the need for the label then by all means sit him down and have the talk, then wave at his back as he flees from the room......
Or, just relax and enjoy what you've got at the moment. It may change, it may not, and at a point somewhere in the future it may become untenable for you but for now, three months isn't really very long at all.

I had a FWB once. Chased me for almost 2 years and I wasn't remotely interested. I'd be lying if I said the attention wasn't welcome though.
One night, we got drunk, had sex, it was great, we made it a regular thing. And by regular, I mean 6 days out of 7. Some weeks 7 days out of 7.
By 3 months in, I already knew I was in too deep. I also knew suspected that he had feelings for me without him saying a word. We didn't 'date' once in that period as we were both very keen to keep our situation under wraps for professional reasons, but we laughed, talked, confided in & enjoyed each other.
Another 3 months down the line, we were both still keeping our cards close to our chest and swearing by how much we loved the FWB situation (it was clearly much more than). I realised that one of us had to back down. I talked to him, told him that I was ready for more than FWB and felt I was at a point where I wanted to move forward. He confessed that he felt the same but through conversations that we had, thought we had different visions of the future - basically I didn't want marriage and kids but he did. We had a kiss and a cuddle and he left. That was a Friday night. On the Sunday night, he was back at my house and wanted to give a relationship a go, he loved me, I loved him, we could compromise.
This was almost 4 years ago, we have our first baby on the way and are getting married next year, and we are genuinely the happiest couple I know.... funny ay.

3 months is a short time but it sometimes happens that way. I like the pp suggestion of seeing how you fit into Christmas & New Year, that would be a good indicator for me.
I also feel that you are already in a relationship, I think some people just need the label or comfirmation - try not to let it get in the way.

I couldn't be arsed with a delicate flower who was full of angst about really having feelings for me and enjoying sex, company etc but not wanting a relationship (for some unspecified reason), being scared and wanting to "protect himself" blah blah. Too draining and time wasting.

You don't know him very well. If he's stating that he doesn't want a LT relationship it'd be sensible to listen to that and, if a LT relationship is what you want, clarify things or end it.

I strongly believe in the phrase "when people tell us who they are, we should listen". Open your ears OP.

lay cards on the table and the fear of driving him away
it's a risk you will have to take.

Why don't you send him a text along the lines 'can you be my boyfriend?' There is no need to complicate it.

broken I posted on one of your threads once, and your situation was not really the same - you had allowed yourself to be strung along by that guy for some time.