Does depression / breakdown excuse appalling behavior?

[doiforgive]

I am not writing because I am thinking of getting back together with him (not in a billion years) but only to guide how I feel about the past and act towards him.

Some years ago my then DP became depressed and put me through about everything you can put another person through. Betrayal, emotional abuse nd total loss of care for me.

This caused me unimaginable pain at the time, which took years and a lot of counselling to get over, was even treated for mild form of PTSD as it was so sudden and so severe in nature and I still bear scars.

I would say he did not exhibit any of this behavior previous to the depression being evident, he was a veyr good and loving DP for a lot of years, hence my shock - but he did have a history of being a little selfish, manipulative and self serving which became severely magnified.

His breakdown was quite severe. Three years on he has not fully recovered and is still medicated but he did manage to continue living relatively normally he is clearly a very toubled and unhappy man.

At the time I loved him deeply and tried everything to help him but was met with only anger and hatred that I could never understand.

He contacts me occassionally now and I really don't know how to feel about it. I thrived without him and went on to a happier life, and his stayed very miserable as the architecht of his own downfall.

I can't stress enough that his behavior towards me was appaling in nature - I won't type it out, but we are talking pretty severe mental abuse that he seemed to enjoy that was drawn out in length and that he seemed to take pleasure in.

I am not sure now whether to be a friend to him, to feel sorry for him or to hate him and wnated to know just quite how much mental health issues like this can be held responsible for a person's behavior?

It can do but that still doesn't make it ok.

I don't see how depression can turn you into an abusive bully really. I've had it, my husbands had it. It can make you sensitive, over think things, snappy and miserable. Abusive.. nah!!

Maybe he is depressed but that doesn't justify why he treat you as he did, no way.

You did the right thing for you by splitting up. You are now thriving. For him also it would have been a good lesson to understand that abuse does not have to be tolerated. I think it is almost a philosophical debate whether one can be held responsible for abusive behaviours when in severe depression. doiforgive what would you gain by knowing he was fully responsible for his actions? Or fully irresponsible? I tend to think there is never a fully black or fully white answer, so he must have had a degree of responsibility.

Yes, but it still doesn't mean you have to stand for it.

Their behaviour can still have consequences - such as you cutting contact until the behaviour is respectful to you once more.

I don't think it excuses anything, but it can explain why it may have happened. It sounds like you have moved on successfully so it would, I feel, be a better idea to remain distant.

When I had severe depression to the point of hospitalisation, I had treated my DH appallingly. There was no excuse, but there was an explanation for my total out-of-character behaviours.

I'm sorry you went through what you did and am glad you now have a happier life.

I have long term depression and have had occasions where I wasn't very pleasant to ex. But these were brief 'snaps' nothing drawn out, and out of frustration and fear rather than wanting to cause him pain. When actually depressed you don't have the ability to do anything drawn out...that takes brain work.

I'm sorry but he does sound like a bully. Just because someone is ill it doesn't mean that they are not capable of malice. Don't feel sorry for him, well done for moving on- you need to take care of yourself

I wasn't very clear in my OP but he was the one who left me. The abusive behavior was after that. The best I can describe is that he was like a viscous animal on a bad day and an emotionless zombie who could not have cared less about me on a good day.

He caused me so much pain and strife with all this and it was hard picking myself back up again.

My confusion is that I don't know whether to view him as a selfish sociopathic arse who tried to destroy me based on his behavior since the breakdown OR whether I view him based on all the years before when he was a loving and good DP

Does not help that I've never had an apology. Does not help that the behaviour was so sudden in change and so severe that I wasn't able to ever discuss it with him. Frankly since the breakdown ge has been deranged and unable to see anyone but himself.

I just don't know whether to give him support as a friend or whether his illness is not am excuse for the hell he put me through

To answer your question of what I will gain from this answer...

I would like to know who he really was.

So many years if my life and such a question mark hangs over me

He was, at the time, like a sociopath. Absent of all empathy, consideration, caring. Zero interest in the suffering he was causing. Only in himself

Will you ever know who he really was? I asked myself that about ex DP too...

I believe it can cause it but doesn't excuse it. I'm suffering from terrible anxiety and depression at the moment and some of my behaviour is disgraceful; I know that, but at the moment I don't seem to be able to control it.
It doesn't make it excusable or forgivable

Do you think depression (severe kind) might be more likely to "drop the mask" and bring out the worst in you...or exxagerate existing flaws?

I'm not sure I can believe it turned him into such a bastard for three years without a single day passing where he wanted to say sorry

there is no reason on earth to be a friend to him after what he did to you. It sounds like he has some sort of personality disorder and you were his victim. Thank fuck you got out somehow.

Not sure. I know my behaviour was unrecognisable from my normal character. Whether I possessed those traits and they were exaggerated is anyone's guess.

I think your question is unanswerable and you may have to reconcile that fact. I understand that might be frustrating though. But, given the life you have now, it will be fruitless search. So I'd be inclined to chuck it in the fuck it bucket.

I don't believe depression turns you into a vicious nasty bully, I think this was part of his make up and stems from years ago, his upbringing perhaps?

The depression exacerbated is behaviours, that all.

I also have no idea why you want to remain a friend to someone who put you through so much misery.

This is a very hard one.

My father was a very gentle, kind person who would, in normal circumstances, do anything for anyone. When very ill (he had bipolar), he became homicidal/suicidal; he twice planned to kill the entire family and came very close to it. He very nearly did kill my mother. Needless to say, he wasn't pleasant to live with day-to-day, either.

He is dead now. I prefer to remember him well, as the illness wasn't 'him'.

However, in your situation, I think it is probably better to draw a line under the whole thing, and keep your distance, for your own sanity. Don't go looking at shades of grey- what's done is done. Endlessly questioning and seeking to understand his motivations for everything he did will only draw you back into a place I don't think you want to be in- as hard as I know that to be.

I've had depression on and off for years at various levels. It can at times make me verbally aggressive and angry but I feel horrible about it afterwards. It's never prolonged. It happens because I'm so busy trying to manage my self day in day out that I get frustrated, impatient and generally fed up.

However, it's very different to sustained abuse. It's never long lasting and usually just mood swings rather that directed at one individual.

I think he's probably a controlling person who looses it when he realises he can't control himself or others. That's his issue not yours. If this is the case his depression probably magnifies his already controlling personality.

I could be wrong!

I know it's hard to understand why it matters, or why I would want to reconcile it.

The problem is that I loved this person deeply, for a lot of years, and experiencing (as pp describes) an unrecognisable character was terrifying at the time.

I stopped questoning long ago, but it was brought to my mind as he phoned me to tell me what a bad way he is in. Still..all about him 100%...whch has been the past three years in a nutshell.

It would be easier for me if he was now recognisable as who he once was, then I could say "ah, he was ill", but he frankly never returned to who he was. Or at least doesn't accept responsibilty or show remorse.

A few times, back then, he would crack, look at me and say "I am sorry, it's not the real me, I am in here somewhere and I can't stop it".

I don't love him anymore. I couldn't. I was too awful and too prolonged and he beat it all out of me in the end; but a piece of me remembers I did love him once. I see he is alone and at rock bottom and wondered about sending him a message to see if today is a better day.

I know it's not my responsibility, I don't feel responsible, but it's difficult to turn your back. If there is a shadow of a doubt.

I do think he has a personality dicorder. His behavior back then was textbook narcissistic abuse - but it only appeared after the illness manifested and I did often wonder if he was not bipolar or more was going on than just depression.

When he spiralled his behavior was uterly bizarre. One minute he would be crying and saying he wanted to die and begging me not to stop loving him, the next minute he was be smug, glib and absolutely viscious - calling me fat and boring, telling me he fancied fucking my friends because they were better looking and always had, telling me I was horrible to live with and that was why he got sick, laughing at me when I was crying, leaving business cards of prostitutes around so I'd know what he'd done and telling me it was none of my business, blaming me to others and disparaging me behind my back, financial abuse - and basically unravelling my psyche. That would go on for a few weeks, then the crying would be back and I would pity him. He'd always act like he'd had no idea what he'd just done but never apologised properly...more acted like he was as much as victim as me.

All of this manifested after the breakdown, but like I say he did have tendencies to be a little selfish beforehand but he was so kind and loving and never saw him to or say anything mean to anyone. We had no problems between us so it was just awful at the time. I wanted him to stop doing it but he acted like he hated me at times. Just awful.

Sorry, just to say, I can;t stress enough...he'd never said a bad word to me in the years we were together - even drunk, even when we'd had a fight. He was always kind and gentle to me - so experiencing this change was veyr traumatic for me. It was night and day

It also makes me feel a bit guilty for being happy :(

"Does not help that I've never had an apology. Does not help that the behaviour was so sudden in change and so severe that I wasn't able to ever discuss it with him. Frankly since the breakdown ge has been deranged and unable to see anyone but himself.

I just don't know whether to give him support as a friend or whether his illness is not am excuse for the hell he put me through"

I think you should cut your losses. If the abusive behaviour had stopped, and he had apologised for the huge amount of hurt he caused you, you might consider moving on and being a friend to him. But given that he hasn't changed back into a reasonable person, and he hasn't apologised, being involved with him is going to cause you even more hurt. You need to walk away to protect yourself and heal properly.

And FWIW, I don't think the cause of his behaviour really matters - whether it was his personality or the depression, the impact of the behaviour was the same. There are certain boundaries that can't be crossed. And you can't fix someone by sticking around to let them take things out on you.

Nothing to add Op but he sounds just like my EXH who still calls me and tries to play mind games. I feel a bit sorry for him but try my best to move on and not think to deeply about him. He's a mess.

"It also makes me feel a bit guilty for being happy"
This is a bit worrying - I'm sure you know that being happy is nothing to feel guilty about! I wonder if you might benefit from some more counselling to address it? Would it help you get some final "closure" on the relationship?

Al I mean is that I would prefer he was happy and healthy too.

I had a lot of counselling that helped a lot.

I agree, letting him back in the door even as a friend is likely to put me in harms way, as he still has the illness.

*too deeply!!

Everyone is nice to start off with, maybe as time went on you started to see the real him, I am sorry but I'd have cut all contact, he's highly toxic and it's not your job to fix no, he needs real professional help.

We have all loved at least one person from the past, doesn't mean you should resurrect anything with them.