If you previously had poor boundaries and suddenly realised. .

[donajimena]

If you came to realise you were a pushover in previous relationships and allowed yourself to be walked over/stood up etc what happened when you saw the light?
The reason I ask is because after my last serious relationship ended I spent a lot of time alone reading, reading and more reading. Namely baggage reclaim, and mumsnet.
I realised that as much as I had the misfortune to meet unsuitable (unkind) men repeatedly it was just as much my fault for forgiving poor behaviour and not calling time on men a lot sooner.
A few examples. I went out with a man who used to plan things with me and stand me up repeatedly citing last minute work or he fell asleep. The same man used to dump me for a few weeks (usually to chase someone else) then send out fishing texts and reel me back in
I met someone this year and for the first time in my life there is no drama and its all very very lovely.
I am determined that if he were to give me just one incident of shoddy behaviour I would end it. But its come as a surprise to find that at my late-ish age I seem to be in a relationship that does not cause me any angst.
I'm just curious as to whether I have just been lucky enough to finally meet a decent man or whether I am giving off a different vibe as it were.
I'd be interested to know whether anyone else ever came to a 'what the hell was I like' moment and found happiness?
Fwiw when I realised how much crap I had tolerated and allowed I felt a lot happier about facing the future as a long term single too. I think I valued myself more realised that no relationship is better than a crap relationship , so when I say found happiness I mean as a single or in a new partnership.

I would say look at your wider relationship patterns. I mean family as well as romantic relationships.
My current very loving partner bought me an electric blanket as a surprise gift last week. Because I have something similar Reynards (sic) disease and start to struggle this time of year. I've had it most of my adult life I'm late 30's and everyone - my parents/ex husband knows about it. He is the first person to try and help me with it and it do something to relieve it. He can't use it it will
Cook him at night. Neither will it make me look or act sexier or in fact benefit him in any way. It was just an act of kindness which I have never before experienced in a relationship or from my family - who treat my condition as an irritation they suspect I use for attention.
The point of my ramble is that I conclude I have been conditioned to expect what I now see as selfish, shitty behaviour toward me - I expect you have too, op.

Poor boundaries are almost inevitably a result of poor boundaries in your childhood family. If you have been putting up with poor treatment in intimate relationships, that is in all probability because you were treated badly by your parents and conditioned to put up with it. You were brought up to believe that that is what an intimate relationship looked like.

Same, same ,poorly treated in relationships and friendships for years . Analysing my family dynamics at the moment very difficult and emotional.

Same here. Doing psychoanalytic therapy at the moment.

It hurts.

The "vibe" of knowing deep down that you would be happier single than in a crap relationship is indeed the best shield against shoddy treatment in a relationship. I think that has been your saving grace, OP. Well done!

When I had my lightbulb moment, it still took me a while to get to that point. In the meantime I went through therapy, examined my childhood, learned about assertiveness and boundaries, and had a relationship with a pushover because I decided to go in completely the other direction (spoiler: pushovers are little better than abusers as life partners. Relationships work when BOTH parties respect themselves, and each other.)

Getting ready to start intensive therapy next week so looking to make a change.

Poor boundaries and Narc mother probably contributed to my situation today. I tend to give way too much to people who don't deserve it.

Being assertive and standing up for myself has led to bad things happening to me. Being kicked out of my mothers, being punched raged at by an ex, being treated horribly by current DH, and being sacked from a job.

There is a long history of betrayal and abandonment.

So yeah I'm pretty timid due to very negative consequences of me standing up for myself. As long as I play the people pleasing doormat, things are great with others.

Yes im on this train too. Following to see where it goes.

Me too. This ^^

Thank you very much for your responses. Its odd that a lot of you mention poor family relationships as I had a happy childhood and am very close to my parents now. But my mum did the bare minimum. Fed watered. No love or affection I'm sure she does love me but she wasn't overly demonstrative (words or actions) I had terrible self esteem for years.
I guess its all played its part. I don't blame my mum. I know my grandmother was difficult to grow up with..

I think the 'happy childhood' thing is worth delving into. I feel I had a very happy and 'functional' family life growing up. Or at least that's the narrative I took to therapy. But since psychotherapy I can see it was great in some ways yet fell vey short in the nurturing department and what was role-modelled to me in relationships was actually quite crap and unhealthy and my response has been to establish quite difficult patterns of relating to family members and relationship partners.

Where there are poor relational boundaries in adulthood there is probably always a story to unravel from childhood. That's my view anyway, nowadays.

So yeah I'm pretty timid due to very negative consequences of me standing up for myself. As long as I play the people pleasing doormat, things are great with others.

YES to this^

I have literally just had a phone call with my DH where he is frustrated with me for not standing up for myself at the moment and this is exactly why. Whenever I have stepped out of my comfort zone to be assertive it has always backfired. I people please to stay safe.

I grew up with an emotionally absent mother and an EA father. I married to a man and the relationship ended violently. I had therapy. I now have a new partner who would do everything for me and found out that she is a rescuer. I have had enough of being saved I sometimes feel a bit claustrophobic in this and not sure how to breach the subject with her. I want a balanced relationship where we are both equal and not sure if she understands.

dona - your statement that you had a 'happy childhood' seems to be contradicted by everything else you write after this.

I, too, thought I had a happy childhood. Even told my therapist the same thing in the first session I saw him.

Agree gatewalker, I said that too...

And it looks like Handywoman did too, mum2mum99. Denial is one of the things that helps us through, I think. Until it stops working, thank goodness.

to all.

I would have said happy childhood with my mother but she has no demotion all literacy. She still cannot say I am a good mother or she is proud of me. When I was a teen I struggled with appearance issues so very much - she never attempted to help with that not once even though she was concerned I had an eating disorder. I did.
I tell my dds they are beautiful and I dreamed them into life every day because my mum didn't

Yes, definitely. When I emerged from a horrible abusive relationship I read a lot of stuff about boundaries (baggage reclaim like OP) and realised that a lot of my issues stemmed from my very dysfunctional and abusive childhood.

My mother has NPD and has always criticised, undermined and been beastly to me. Even as a tiny little girl she never told me she loved me. I finally found the courage to go NC with her when I had seen the light.

My boundaries now are rigorously policed and I do sometimes wonder if I will ever be in a romantic relationship again as my tolerance for shit is set at absolute zero

I concur, you will have had poor relations with everyone, family, friends, colleagues and romantic partners.

Well by happy i mean it certainly wasn't unhappy in the slightest. I felt safe secure, my dad was and is wonderful. My mother surprises me. Standing up for me amazingly when the shit hit the fan with my children's father. Oodles of financial support which has been necessary unfortunately due to the children's father not stepping up to the plate.
But she has never paid me a compliment. Never said she is proud of me. Cold if you like!
But I still look back on my childhood and life experiences mainly with fondness. I haven't been dealt a bad hand in life (rich experiences rather than money)

My therapist said something which is very useful in looking back at 'family of origin' stuff: she says that our perceptions we have of childhood are those of children, they are often incorrect or idealised assumptions (those are my own words). And as children we misinterpret things because we are children. So to look at them again takes work, and a fresh perspective (and skilled help!). So I am now seeing my family life in a totally new way.

In particular I idealised my dad for most of my life, but my therapist challenged me on that and actually he wasn't actually that great. He wasn't there for my mum or for any of the drudge. My mum was absolutely heroic in terms of how she pretty much single handedly provided a very wonderful upbringing, rich in experiences for three children plus held down a senior role in a busy FT job. But was totally divorced from her own needs, vulnerability and emotion. In fact there was no place for 'emotional needs' in my family. I had no role model of looking after mySELF. Her own mother was cold and distant. Vast swathes of experience in conflict resolution/addressing vulnerabilities is missing from my childhood. The one I thought was 'happy'. Well those chickens have certainly come home to roost and my own long EA marriage (now over) is the result. My own kids idealise their own dad and so history repeats.....

And for he record my kid's dad is a shite father. But they idealise him all the same. I'm not sure how to break the cycle, I'm not sure at what point I talk to them about what is ok in relationships. Because I am careful never to criticise their dad (apart from to bemoan the normal stuff he forgets or can't be bothered with - I won't let them think he is a Demi-God).

I just hope to be able to model them a much better relationship some day.

I have noticed as a parent of teens, the way my children have changed their perception of the world. We laughed when one said she was disappointed when she realised, I wasn't able to do everything. I said no, I am not SuperWoman, bless you for thinking I was. I had no idea children really thought that about their parents, as I knew mine were rubbish at a young age.

I even begrudgingly gave them cards on Mother's and Father's day. I thought everyone felt that way, clearly not.