Am I wrong to want more from this relationship already?

[ceit27]

Looking for some impartial advice here as I'm getting told what I should/shouldn't put up with by friends, and I feel they're too close to me to give the best advice.

I met my boyfriend online almost 5 months ago. We were speaking for around 2 weeks (and by that I mean, 3/4 hour phone calls every night). We mutually agreed to delete our online profiles before we met up, and once we met, he asked me straight away to be exclusive. We have a great relationship, I literally feel like I'm talking to my best friend, and we have such a great connection. But we barely get to see each other.

We talk on the phone, or Skype every day for at least an hour, most of the time it's 2 -3 hours or more, and has been throughout our whole relationship. He works odd shifts, and that makes it hard to see each other, but I'm lucky if I see him once a week at the moment. For the most part, we see each other fortnightly, which I don't feel is enough as I miss him. He says he feels the same, but he wants to take it slow and build a strong foundation. I get that, but why does that mean not seeing each other through the week?

We've both met each others friends and family, and he has met my children, and they get on amazingly, but he has been frequently putting off introducing me to his child. I understand that to an extent, but at the same time, it feels as though he's happy to be in a relationship with me provided it's on his terms. He has said that he'll introduce me after 7/8 months when he's sure of where we're going. That comment hurt as he has told me that he knows we will work out, and has spoken about a future together on numerous occasions. The last comment about his child has made me wonder if he's just telling me what he thinks I want to hear.

I know 4/5 months is not a huge amount of time to be hoping we're both sure of the relationship, but the amount of time we've spoken I feel so close to him, but I feel he pushes me away to an extent by not making more of an effort to see each other.

Am I wrong to expect a bit more at this stage?

And it's not really a "relationship " is it? You've met less than a dozen times. You're not his number 1 priority....

To be honest he just isn't that into you. If a man really liked you, he make the effort to see you more. The fact he is happy with seeing you once a fortnight says everything.

Look, he's clearly flakey and unreliable, and well known for it. He enjoys the online relationship cos it's no effort, maintaining a real life one is too much bother. And his friends essentially told you this isn't going to change.

So if you can't deal with that, dump and find someone who wants a real life girlfriend not a virtual one.

Be less available for the phone chats. He should want to see you regularly. He either needs a kick up the arse or else he sadly,must doesn't have time for a relationship just now.

Either his friends are trying to warn you off gently, or they have colluded with him in the image he has of himself as a wonderful man who 'deserves' a wonderful partner.
Because I think it's very likely indeed that this man believes he is a Nice Guy looking for a Perfect Relationship, but it's all on his terms and what he's doing at the moment is auditioning women for the girlfriend role. He's seeing how obedient and willing and compliant you will be - there's going to be half a dozen equally desperate hopeful women dotted all over the place.

Of cause, dating is an audition, really. That's exactly why anyone who agrees to be 'exclusive' on the first date is a mug or a loser. You need to give yourself the opportunity to see who the other person reallyis and whether or not you actually want to continue a relationship with him/her or whether there are better options out there.
THe problem is that some women still (at least partly due to social pressures and the same old crap about how it's bad for a woman to be single and she must pursue a 'committed relationship with a man) tend to approach dating as though it'sa series of tests they have to pass so that the man chooses them. Whereas actually they should be putting just as much effort into discovering whether the man's someone they want to spend time with.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, OP, but your relationship is currently projection-infused. You absolutely cannot know each other without spending time in person. You are in love with an idea of who he is, and it seems like the reality is starting to creep through.

Phone calls, texts, Skype - all of these are a fertile ground for fantasy. It might be hard for you to believe it, but this is currently what you're dealing with. You may think you know him, and that he knows you. You might even know you know him. You do not.

You have the opportunity to start to get to know someone by being physically with them. (Even then it doesn't necessarily happen.) And his priorities are ensuring this doesn't happen. Look at your boyfriend's actions; just his actions. Not his words, or your feelings. They will tell you everything you need to know.

I don't understand. Okay, he works shifts, but he must still have a couple of days off every week. Or even one day. Surely he's not working 12 hour days every day? And if he is, he's no time to spend any of it, so why not spend a bit on a taxi over to your house?

If someone lived 200 miles from me and suggested meeting next in six weeks' time, I'd think they were taking the piss, never mind someone who lives nearby! It's just ridiculous.

In the end, if he wants to see you, he will. God knows what's going on in his head and maybe he doesn't know himself, but the fact is that you can extrapolate from the fact you're not meeting that he is happy with that.

Jeez, couple of months after I met my dh his job relocated him to another part of the country, over a 2hr hr drive away and you know what? He STILL came to see me every single weekend through rain, snow etc. ( I was working 12 hr shifts at the time but on my days off I travelled up to see him even if sometimes it was only for one day). He wanted us to be together and made it happen, his commitment was clear.
Your fella on the other hand is telling you he works 7 days a week, has no days off whatsoever (what a crock) and its too much of a hassle to get his arse on a bus or train to see you just for an hour ot two???? What utter bollocks. He is feeding you all this bullshit but you seem determined to think he is some great guy, whereas from what I can see a lot of blokes talk utter shite and he seems to be one of them.

do yourself a favour and move on.

Listen to his actions, not his words. He's not introducing you to his child because he doesn't want the child to get attached if this is not long term. OR he doesn't want his child to blab to his ex. If she is still an ex. He is not making time for you. He is telling you what you want to hear.

His actions say he's not as bothered as you but still wants to look like a good guy.

You are giving him as much attention as you possibly can (too much IMHO) and he is giving you very little. If it was me, I'd leave it alone and cease contact.