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Original poster

Am I wrong to want more from this relationship already?

59 replies

ceit27 · 03/11/2015 17:18

Looking for some impartial advice here as I'm getting told what I should/shouldn't put up with by friends, and I feel they're too close to me to give the best advice.

I met my boyfriend online almost 5 months ago. We were speaking for around 2 weeks (and by that I mean, 3/4 hour phone calls every night). We mutually agreed to delete our online profiles before we met up, and once we met, he asked me straight away to be exclusive. We have a great relationship, I literally feel like I'm talking to my best friend, and we have such a great connection. But we barely get to see each other.

We talk on the phone, or Skype every day for at least an hour, most of the time it's 2 -3 hours or more, and has been throughout our whole relationship. He works odd shifts, and that makes it hard to see each other, but I'm lucky if I see him once a week at the moment. For the most part, we see each other fortnightly, which I don't feel is enough as I miss him. He says he feels the same, but he wants to take it slow and build a strong foundation. I get that, but why does that mean not seeing each other through the week?

We've both met each others friends and family, and he has met my children, and they get on amazingly, but he has been frequently putting off introducing me to his child. I understand that to an extent, but at the same time, it feels as though he's happy to be in a relationship with me provided it's on his terms. He has said that he'll introduce me after 7/8 months when he's sure of where we're going. That comment hurt as he has told me that he knows we will work out, and has spoken about a future together on numerous occasions. The last comment about his child has made me wonder if he's just telling me what he thinks I want to hear.

I know 4/5 months is not a huge amount of time to be hoping we're both sure of the relationship, but the amount of time we've spoken I feel so close to him, but I feel he pushes me away to an extent by not making more of an effort to see each other.

Am I wrong to expect a bit more at this stage?

OP posts:
Smorgasboard · 03/11/2015 21:19

Sorry but mid December for next visit is laughable, this sounds very much like a brush off, as any sane person suggesting that would be doing it with an expectation that they would be binned by the other.
At best he's telling you how low down his list of priorities you are, expect more than that from a relationship.
If neither of you drive a car, it's always going to be hard given the public transport situation you describe. Are you certain that he has been honest with you? Is there a way you could ask a friend to check if his profile is still up?
Every 2 weeks, not unusual, 6 weeks, just no!

RiceCrispieTreats · 03/11/2015 21:25

This all sounds very weird and intense, with him blowing hot and cold, and you chasing.

But it sounds like you're determined, OP, so carry on. I do hope you don't get hurt, though.

Blodss · 03/11/2015 21:35

No, your not being a paranoid bitch at all. Your gut is telling you that something is wrong and you are not listening to it. Working hard is good but men who want to see you and are into you will make it happen a lot.
Have you met his parents then? You say family but not whom?

Blodss · 03/11/2015 21:39

Could he have someone else?

Original poster
ceit27 · 03/11/2015 21:58

He genuinely doesn't have time to see anyone else so I know that's not.the issue. I said we should call it a day if he couldn't see me till dec. He said he didn't want.that. I gave him an easy out and he swapped a shift so he could see me. So I don't think he'd have done that if he wanted out. I've met all the family he sees, and all of his closest friends and their partners who assure me he's a good guy and thinks a lot of me.

With the chasing part, I have never chased. I'll text/call him very little, he almost always gets in touch first.

But still, as you say my gut tells me.something isn't quite right.

OP posts:
Blodss · 03/11/2015 22:27

Hard for you.

pieceofpurplesky · 03/11/2015 22:45

Its s bit odd his friends are assuring you he is a good guy and really likes you. Surely at this early stage you shouldn't be asking and they shouldn't be saying.

TheMarxistMinx · 03/11/2015 22:45

You have a choice...twiddle your thumbs until mid December or finish it. I can't quite see how you can expect someone to give up overtime if they need to do it.

Original poster
ceit27 · 03/11/2015 22:55

I didn't ask. We all went away for the weekend and the gfs took me aside and said they thought he may be like this. They said he's a good guy but I may need patience with him!

No I definitely wouldn't ask him to give up on the extra cash if he needs it, and I said as much to him. I don't think it's such a bad thing to ask him to make an hour in his day to meet for a coffee a few times if he has no time for proper dates/nights in either though.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 03/11/2015 22:56

If I had a pound for every time I've read the "he's definitely not got anyone else. He hadn't got time / opportunity/ inclination" line, I'd be rich. Abs trust me, I speak as someone whose partner had no possibility of meeting someone else - or so I thought.

Pound to a penny he has done one else. Either someone he's had in the go all along. Or someone he's just met

CockwombleJeff · 03/11/2015 22:57

It's simple - if he thought that much of you he would move heaven and earth to see you.

I'm sorry but this man is just toying with you.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 03/11/2015 22:57

Only time will tell. I'd give it till Feb, and if you're still not happy, bin it. Working those hours is against the Working Time Directive. Just sayin.

CockwombleJeff · 03/11/2015 22:59

You do sound naive.

Saying you definetly know that porn is not a problem and that other women are not involved is naive.

You have children - you need to be careful where you're energies are channelled - this does not sound like somebody trustworthy.

CockwombleJeff · 03/11/2015 23:01

I live at the beach - employers can opt out of the working time directive- especially public sector.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/11/2015 23:30

I probably break it every week

Serioussteve · 04/11/2015 00:04

As a guy, the cynicism is rather strong with this man. Exclusivity so early on is a red flag, he wants to snare you in so he is sure you are not sleeping with others. I would not be so sure he is being as genuine.

In a new relationship a man is usually eager to meet up, even more so if sex is on the table.

I'm very concerned he is seeing other women too and has hooked you along for the ride until he decides on his long term plans, probably after Christmas.

wannaBe · 04/11/2015 00:31

so he's working seven days a week for the next six weeks then? sorry but that's bollocks, and if you believe that then you're very naive.

If he wanted to see you he would. fact is he doesn't want to see you.

When I first got together with my dp he came into London (from birmingham) just to have lunch with me once. If he can't even find time for a coffee then I would get rid.

So you talk on the phone for hours at a time, do you have phone sex? Because if so he doesn't even need to make the time to come over for a shag, he has the fantasy on the end of the phone....

PreciousxBane · 04/11/2015 00:39

I couldnt cope with that level of intensity with anyone ever. He is right in that longer is better to wait to introduce dc but seems like he is cooling off.

Scarletforya · 04/11/2015 00:45

You see him every two weeks?

That's not a relationship!

LineyReborn · 04/11/2015 00:48

He can't see you till mid December?

Bollocks to that.

HellonHeels · 04/11/2015 05:07

How can he have time for these very long phone chats but not have time to see you? Does he stay over at yours or vice versa when you get together? I don't understand how you couldn't have a mid-week overnight together instead of spending hours on the phone?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 04/11/2015 06:16

The start of your relationship was disturbingly intense and it sounds like the intensity may be cooling off for him. I can't begin to imagine why any two people would talk for hours every day before they have met or talk for hours every day full stop, but maybe you have run out of things to say? Or maybe he feels you have. I think you've over exposed this relationship and the colours are bleaching out.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/11/2015 08:27

I was always wary of people who wanted to talk and talk for weeks before meeting when I was OLD. What is the point? You can waste weeks of your life and get all over invested then when you meet it can be a real damp squib.

Talk briefly a couple of times. Meet quickly.

This guy is definitely not being straight with you

Only1scoop · 04/11/2015 08:31

I find it a bit odd.

I wouldn't want to invest so much time in what is possibly be a total non starter.

This sounds like your simmering on his back burner and he pops you on the hot plate for an hour when you moan about it.

Only1scoop · 04/11/2015 08:31

'You're'