Constant battle with my mum

[prettyknackered]

I'm in my 20s and if I fall out with dp I often tell my mum and dad about it, so il go to them for a listening ear and just for some support, but instead of listening they spin what I'm saying to make it offend them, they will catastrophize everything and make everything in my relationship sound shit, then they will tell other people in the family about my what I told them about in confidence, and this really hurts me and I feel like I can't trust them anymore. So I asked her yesterday to not tell other people if I come to her upset b/c if I wanted them to know I would tell them myself. I don't want to tell everyone or everyone knowing my business, she refused and said that's my choice but that doesn't mean she has to do the same. This is my personal life that she's gossiping about to my aunties and her neighbor, it puts dh in a really bad light b/c then everyone forever hates him. I know I decided to tell my parents but I thought they would respect me if I asked them to not spread it round.

On top of this, I tried to explain to my mum that I can't talk to them anymore b/c they never just support me and it makes me feel worse, thing is I told her this b/c I want to be able to speak to them but she just told me not to bother then. I don't have anyone else to speak to though so when I'm really down I automatically go to my parents but then regret it straight after. It's a horrible cycle and it's got worse since I had my daughter b/c my mum tells me 'you don't want her to end up like you do you' and 'I think you've got post natal depression'

She always makes out there's something wrong with me when I'm just upset. I told her I remember when I was younger and used to go to her with things that bothered me but she would brush it off call me over sensitive, told me to grow up, and stop over reacting. This really damaged my confidence so I used to not bother and stay in my room then she would call me a hermit all the time. Then when I finally broke down she would tell me I'm mental and my dad assume on drugs (I've never had drugs in my life). I was explaining to her yesterday that I have low confidence and I think it stems from that, she told me to stop slating them as parents and blaming them for how I turned out. I wasn't trying to do that, everyone I explain my feelings she jumps on the defence and now she just insults my parenting skills telling me I will make my dd wierd.

I'm so frustrated and on top of all this she's constantly complaining she doesn't see my dd enough, she saw her two days ago! She sees her a lot more than dps parents but it's never enough, she's always ignoring me when I tell her how dd likes things and what she doesn't, she does her own thing then wonders why my dd is still crying, I feel like she doesn't respect me as a person and it's really dragging me down. She text me afterwards saying 'I hope u realise how your remarks and behaviour has really upset both me and ur dad. We dont deserve to be treated like crap by u. U need to remember how important ur nan was to u . I never put any restrictions on your grandparents . U need to take responsibility for the way u are instead of blaming other people .' I feel like I'm going crazy is it me in the wrong or her. My heads so messed up

I feel like I have to defend her before I get any responses my mums not all bad, I don't intend to slate her or upset her, just I can never talk about my feelings without her making it about her feelings, and it's so hard to have the close relationship I always wanted with her I just feel at the end of my tether now

It very much sounds like that you both are stuck in a dynamic which hasn't adapted well to you being an independent adult.

Firstly, stop going to her with your relationship problems, sort them out with your partner or get couples counselling. Why would you repeatedly confide in someone who doesn't respect your privacy? Ignore her attempts at emotional blackmail and if you can't cope with her behaviour, you should limit your exposure it.

Accept your Mum for who she is and not who you want her to be, you can not change her, only how you react to her.

It is not your fault your mother is the way she is. She is disordered of thinking and you did not make her that way (her own family of origin did that to her).

You are still trying to seek their approval; this they will never give you.

Its time to completely reassess your whole relationship with your mother because this is not at all healthy. Your boundaries are skewed which is not surprising either; you've probably been conditioned by her and your dad to over share as well. She is projecting her own crap onto you.

What's your dad's role in all this as well; does he really act out of self preservation and want of a quiet life?. He seems to have done nothing to protect you from his wife's excesses of behaviour has he?. He has also failed you here.

What do you know about her familial background; there are likely clues there. Emotionally healthy parents do not call their children mental and or over sensitive; this has all served to damage your confidence. Her behaviours could be seen as emotionally abusive.

She is not and has not been an emotionally healthy parent to you because she keeps on making it all about her. Your opinions to her do not at all matter. I would actually keep her well away from your child as she is not a good role model to your DD either.

I would also suggest you read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages. Consider too now reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. You will receive support there too.

I will stop telling her my problems, it's just hard when I'm on my own crying and need to speak to someone in person I don't think and just tell her, counsellors have long lists and that won't help when I need to talk to someone in that moment . I didn't know she was telling other people until recently b/c I don't know her neighbours and don't see my aunty. I know I need to accept that's how she is but I want to get on with my mum, I want to have a better relationship but she makes it impossible

My DH and I have an agreement that all arguments between us are private. We work them out together. We don't discuss them with other people.

You unload all over your Mum and then she unloads all over your Auntie. I think you need to break that pattern.

If you are regularly complaining about your DH to your folks, what response are you expecting from them - they are hardly going to think your DH is a great guy.

And I'm always taking dd to her house, I don't like people just turning up at my house id prefer to arrange a time with people and take her there but that's just me because I know what to expect then and can prepare to go in advance. Since dd has been born all she says is she doesn't see her enough. She only 10 weeks now, and I find it really hard when I'm pressures to leave her with other people, my mum said that's normal, but for me I'm happy looking after her myself I'm bf aswel and it took me a few weeks to bond with dd initially, now I have I don't see why I have to leave her with other people just o satisfy them, I had her b/c I wanted her and wanted to care for her myself if I need a break I will take one but I'm coping just find and being made to feel wrong for doing that

If you are constantly arguing with your DP so much that you're in tears and having to go to your mum about it then her assessment of your relationship might not be that far off.

AttilaTheMeerkat - my dad is starting to act like her but only now that we've all left the house and he's with her all the time. He seems very controlled by her he always agrees with her and if he doesn't I always see him apologising to her for things he doesn't need to b/c she's decided not to talk to him, sometimes he will make a stand but then give in b/c she's still sulking days sometimes weeks later.
Her family background was horrible from bits she has told me, in fact when I told her how what she had said affected my confidence she said 'you think you have it hard you want to see how I had to grow up.'
Everything's always a competition like I can't be hurt b/c she will be more hurt

You've likely been conditioned by her to overshare as well; that often happens in families that are at their hear dysfunctional.

It is vitally important that you find a therapist that you can work with, they are like shoes so you need to find someone that fits in with your approach. Therefore the first person you see may not be the right one.

Re counselling BACP are good and do not charge the earth; you really need to see a therapist that has NO (repeat no) bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

Do you have siblings; if so how are they treated?.

Let go now of your need for her approval, she will never ever give you that. You also need to completely reassess your whole relationship with your mother because it is not healthy and will never be healthy either. Her actions have affected you to their detriment and she could well unleash the same sort of harm on your DD. This sort of crap as well can and does go down the generations.

Emotionally unhealthy people like your mother do thrive on any sort of drama or gossip; it makes them feel important and wanted. You are also a convenient scapegoat for all her inherent ills.

It is unlikely you will have a healthy or functional relationship with your mother because she is simply not built that way. Her own family of origin did that lot of damage to her and it is not your fault she is the ways she is.

It's not like that all the time potteringalong, our arguments don't even warrant a cry I don't know why I do. I don't have anyone else which is why I speak to my mum I have huge confidence issues which stops me making and keeping friends. I'm trying to resolve this as it has got worse due to never being resolved

"AttilaTheMeerkat - my dad is starting to act like her but only now that we've all left the house and he's with her all the time. He seems very controlled by her he always agrees with her and if he doesn't I always see him apologising to her for things he doesn't need to b/c she's decided not to talk to him, sometimes he will make a stand but then give in b/c she's still sulking days sometimes weeks later.
Her family background was horrible from bits she has told me, in fact when I told her how what she had said affected my confidence she said 'you think you have it hard you want to see how I had to grow up.'
Everything's always a competition like I can't be hurt b/c she will be more hurt"

Not at all surprised to read any of that unfortunately; this is all par for the course when a now adult child comes from a family of origin that is emotionally dysfunctional even down to Dad's roles (bystander, enabler) in all this as well. Thought he was a weak man who acts out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He has also failed you utterly here as a parent.

It is often only when such an adult becomes a parent themselves that they realise that their childhood was not ideal either. You certainly would not treat your DD in the same ways now as you have been treated to date by your mother.

Do keep them away from your child; they were not good parents to you and will not be good grandparent figures to your child either.

Please do post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread and read the resources at the start of that thread too.

Your mum is really horrible. If you keep engaging with her you'll be on the receiving end of her nastiness. Why don't you have friends to talk to?

They are your parents not your counsellors. If you criticise your partner they will take your side and think less of him. You do need to speak to your GP and get checked for PND, crying at 'silly' things can be a sign.

AttilaTheMeerkat - my two sisters also feel they can't tell her anything b/c she does the same thing makes it about her, and again can't trust her b/c she tells everyone what we told her in confidence. The only difference is my sisters are different personalities, my older sister has a lot of friends to lean on if she needs to, my younger sister lives in the opposite end of the country so doesn't have to deal with it really. My mum isn't a very open person she puts a wall up if I try to sensitively talk to her, my younger sister has told her she wants to talk to her why isn't she listening and started crying but my mum didn't understand why.
I don't want my mum to be unhappy but she thinks she's fine and no one can convince her otherwise she's healthy and she's always right
I can't keep dd away from her that would destroy her, she loves her. Sometimes too much like she thinks she's hers

Cailindana - I can't give up on her I just want to fix it I can't accept its unfixable. I can't seem to keep friends b/c I have huge confidence issues

Penfold - I'm not saying she's my counsellor but I know I would want my dd to come to me if she was upset, I would want to have a close relationship with her where she felt she could trust me with anything

My DP and I discuss our issue and problems rather than discussing with a 3rd party... (However sometimes use the occasional MN thread)

If you discuss with her, your indirectly asking for her opinion, and she will judge and make assumptions. However I do think that it's completely disrespectful of her to discuss you and your partners issues with other people. It isn't her business to discuss and I'm sure you spoke to her as a confidant.

If you are and I'm not saying you are suffering with PND her throwing that at you isn't very helpful and there are other ways to speak to you about it.

My only suggestion is to try one more frank discussion with her. If this doesn't work, I am a firm believer is cutting your losses, maintain a relationship for sake of DC but also understand you may not have that close knit relationship with your parents that you crave.

Good luck.

3sugarsplease - we do need to discuss any problems we have like you do, it makes no sense to tell my mum I just automatically do I have no idea why I kept doing it. I don't feel that I am suffering pnd and think she's saying that b/c she doesn't understand me again. I have been fighting this battle for affection for a long time and can't seem to stop no matter what she says or does to me. I know it's not healthy but I feel like it would destroy me to accept that we will never have that relationship so I keep trying and trying

You say your dd is only 10 weeks old! She is your precious baby and you absolutely do not have to leave her with anybody! She needs you and nobody has a right to her!

Giving birth is quite an earth shattering experience for all of you, and some women (like me, for example) are a bit of an emotional wreck afterwards. This is normal!

If you can't count on your mum, how about confiding in your sisters? They know your family dynamics and might be willing to break the cycle.
If nobody else is around, there is always somebody to talk to on mn.

Now is also a good time to make new friends. New mums can bond very easily over their babies, maybe you could try going to a baby group?

OP - I understand that. I used to automatically go to my mum, then get pissed off when she gave me her opinion if I didn't agree with it.

I understand you want that relationship with both your parents but you can't change people, especially if they don't think they need to. In the long run its more damaging for you to keep trying to have a relationship with them where you constantly get hurt rather then leaving the relationship and moving forward with out them.

Have you tried family counselling or is that not something they would do? Sometimes if a third party explains your mothers wrong doing she may understand it better? Rather than you being over sensitive

Just wanted to reassure you it is totally normal not to give your baby to other people if they don't do what you ask with them - what is not normal is her not doing what you ask, criticising your parenting and pressurising you to hand your baby over. My DS is 3 and has never been alone with either set of grandparents because they all refuse to do the simple things I ask (eg follow NHS guidelines on baby sleeping and temperature). I've had the same as you - them telling me I'm not normal and have a problem. If I was looking after someone else's baby there is no way I wouldn't do what they ask, it is so disrespectful.

It takes two to have a relationship and if the other person doesn't think there's a problem or wants to contribute to solutions, then there's nothing you can 'fix'. No one says you have to give up on your Mum but for your own sanity, you need to stop expecting things from her that she isn't equipped to give you. The only thing you get from repeatedly banging your head against a brick wall, is a headache.

It's time to take a different approach and that means focussing and investing in the only person you can change and that's yourself. Start looking for a therapist today.

Having children is often the catalyst for people to start questioning their relationship with their own parents. It's hard.

"I can't keep dd away from her that would destroy her, she loves her. Sometimes too much like she thinks she's hers"

Her behaviours towards you and by turn your DD are not loving at all.
That sort of love is unhealthy and smacks more of power and control. She will inflict the same sort of harm done to her as has been done to you. Do you think she is a good grandparent figure to your child bearing in mind she is not a good parent and never has been to you?.

A percentage of the general population is dysfunctional and/or abusive. That percentage, like everyone else, has children. Then those children grow and have children of their own. The not-so-loving grandparents expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren. The only problem is, they’re not good grandparents.

Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents’ (and society’s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate first hand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with.

The children’s parents may allow the grandparents to begin a relationship with their children, hoping that things will be different this time, that their parents have really changed, and that their children will be emotionally and physically safer than they themselves were.

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, because most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)

The well-intentioned parent ends up feeling mortified for having done more harm than good by hoping things would somehow be different — instead of having a child who simply never knew their grandparents and who was never mistreated, they have an abused child who is now also being torn apart by the grief involved in having to sever a lifelong relationship with the unhealthy people they are very attached to.

Do not become that well intentioned parent; the road to hell is laced with good intentions.

Re your comment to Cailindana:-
"Cailindana - I can't give up on her I just want to fix it I can't accept its unfixable. I can't seem to keep friends b/c I have huge confidence issues"

There is nothing to fix here because your mother does not want to be fixed. You are her DD; not her therapist or counsellor. She never sought or wanted to seek the necessary help; you yourself wrote that her own childhood was awful. That is not at all surprising given her behaviours towards you now and back then. This is how she wants to be; she sees nothing wrong in her behaviours.

Your mother's actions has given you huge confidence issues. You were probably never encouraged to speak out or to ever have friends. Your mother also thinks she is fine; you will not ever get past that wall of her own denial.

You cannot change her; you can only change how you react to her.

Your other siblings have backed well away from your mother; you ultimately need to do the same.

I think some counselling could help you too, getting over your difficult childhood and developing new better ways of coping with adult life and relationships will benefit you in every area of your life. You will be able to be a better mum to your own dd and not fall into negative patterns you picked up growing up in a dysfunctional family.
Once you find ways to build your self esteem, you will naturally feel more confident. If you want to make some friends you will do that. You will probably need to work on your relationship with your Dh too. Feeling more confident and positive is the first step, you will be able to be more assertive about your needs. If it is basically a good relationship with a few problems you can learn to communicate better and have less rows.