Constant battle with my mum

[prettyknackered]

I'm in my 20s and if I fall out with dp I often tell my mum and dad about it, so il go to them for a listening ear and just for some support, but instead of listening they spin what I'm saying to make it offend them, they will catastrophize everything and make everything in my relationship sound shit, then they will tell other people in the family about my what I told them about in confidence, and this really hurts me and I feel like I can't trust them anymore. So I asked her yesterday to not tell other people if I come to her upset b/c if I wanted them to know I would tell them myself. I don't want to tell everyone or everyone knowing my business, she refused and said that's my choice but that doesn't mean she has to do the same. This is my personal life that she's gossiping about to my aunties and her neighbor, it puts dh in a really bad light b/c then everyone forever hates him. I know I decided to tell my parents but I thought they would respect me if I asked them to not spread it round.

On top of this, I tried to explain to my mum that I can't talk to them anymore b/c they never just support me and it makes me feel worse, thing is I told her this b/c I want to be able to speak to them but she just told me not to bother then. I don't have anyone else to speak to though so when I'm really down I automatically go to my parents but then regret it straight after. It's a horrible cycle and it's got worse since I had my daughter b/c my mum tells me 'you don't want her to end up like you do you' and 'I think you've got post natal depression'

She always makes out there's something wrong with me when I'm just upset. I told her I remember when I was younger and used to go to her with things that bothered me but she would brush it off call me over sensitive, told me to grow up, and stop over reacting. This really damaged my confidence so I used to not bother and stay in my room then she would call me a hermit all the time. Then when I finally broke down she would tell me I'm mental and my dad assume on drugs (I've never had drugs in my life). I was explaining to her yesterday that I have low confidence and I think it stems from that, she told me to stop slating them as parents and blaming them for how I turned out. I wasn't trying to do that, everyone I explain my feelings she jumps on the defence and now she just insults my parenting skills telling me I will make my dd wierd.

I'm so frustrated and on top of all this she's constantly complaining she doesn't see my dd enough, she saw her two days ago! She sees her a lot more than dps parents but it's never enough, she's always ignoring me when I tell her how dd likes things and what she doesn't, she does her own thing then wonders why my dd is still crying, I feel like she doesn't respect me as a person and it's really dragging me down. She text me afterwards saying 'I hope u realise how your remarks and behaviour has really upset both me and ur dad. We dont deserve to be treated like crap by u. U need to remember how important ur nan was to u . I never put any restrictions on your grandparents . U need to take responsibility for the way u are instead of blaming other people .' I feel like I'm going crazy is it me in the wrong or her. My heads so messed up

AttilaTheMeerkat - she's not all bad though my parents brought us up well just emotionally they weren't there for me. I don't feel like dd would suffer because I am her main carer I bring her up not her grandparents. Surely as dd is living with me and only sees them when I am there, it is okay for her to continue to see them? I have realised I will never have the relationship I wanted with her and I won't confide in her any more, I will seek counselling through the gp as it is going to be extremely difficult to accept, I didn't think she was abusive I thought just we didn't understand each other

Laundryeverywhere - you're right, I just didn't see my childhood as difficult b/c I thought it was me being exactly what I was called sensitive, a loner and overreacting and that that was just my personality. I feel like I can start to rebuild my confidence and self esteem now that I don't believe that anymore

It may be that if you stop needing her emotional support, you can maintain a relationship with her. She may even support you in practical ways. Do you feel if you stopped going to her with problems and only acted positive around her she would be fine? Or would she have issues and start causing trouble?

She still picks faults in how I am with dd, 'you don't want her ending up like you do you', 'there's other ways of doing things', 'just because you do something one way it doesn't mean I have to' just a lack of respect really in my parenting skills, she says she supports me but I don't feel supported. The problem is because she goes on the defence to everything she gets upset until I apologise to her, if I don't she lets everyone know how upset she is until they hate me for upsetting her. I feel guilty for thinking about myself for once

Hi prettyknackered,

re your comment:-
"she's not all bad though my parents brought us up well just emotionally they weren't there for me. I don't feel like dd would suffer because I am her main carer I bring her up not her grandparents. Surely as dd is living with me and only sees them when I am there, it is okay for her to continue to see them?"

Your parents may have given your material things but emotionally they were and are completely bereft. You have suffered and still suffer hideously as a result. They were not there for you and they will never be the parents you want them to be.

Do you actually want to continue seeing your parents, in particular your mother at all given her behaviours towards you?.

Re your DD the emotional damage that they will do to your child will happen right in front of your very eyes. It could all too easily be not spoken either; a look for instance. You already receive snide comments about your parenting; they could well start on your DD given any opportunity and use her to get back at you.

You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, family are truly no different.

I would look at some other sources of counselling rather than through the GP. This is because its not in depth enough, is limited in terms of sessions (usually around six) and can take an absolute age to arrange. You need to find someone else hence my previous suggestion to contact BACP (because they do not charge the earth and you can see someone far sooner).

She will always find fault with you and your parenting (it makes her feel better to make you her scapegoat for all her inherent ills). This is why I also urge you to keep your child well away from her as well.

Her. She's trying to manipulate you by telling you you're over sensitive. Actually, you're not.

She's been disrespectful to your feelings. She reels you in to talk to her about your relationship, then goes against your wishes and tells all and sundry. She upsets your dd then tells you you should be grateful of her grandparenting skills.

She's putting herself first at every point.

I would cut down your contact with her and not confide in her anymore. Sharing your problems gives her loads of ammo to use to bring you down. Just be nicey nicey once a month with her and the rest of the time keep yourself and your dd happily out of her web.

It sounds like she is a critical and controlling person, I have learned that even if done from good intentions these are very damaging to a child. In your mothers case there is a negative side to it, she is putting you down. It may be that you will have to separate yourself from her more to get away from that. I am not saying you have to go N.C or stop her seeing your DD, but you need to have separate lives and set boundaries that you will not accept certain behaviour from her or the consequence will be not seeing you and DD.

Well now I've told me mum that I wanted a close relationship with her but have to accept that will never happen, and I can't trust her when she chooses to spread my personal issues round with whoever she wants. Lastly adding that dd needs me and to stop guilt tripping me and stop pressurising me to hand her over and leave her with her because I won't.
Instead of responding to me, she told my dad and my two sisters how much I've upset her. One of my sisters (who isn't a mum) has now turned on me for 'being horrible and told me if I want to be a good mum I should put dd first' looks like this whole situation won't improve so I'm going to step away from them for now and concentrate on myself instead of continuing to worry about whose feelings I might have hurt and having to apologise again

Typical response I regret to say from your mother. I was not at all surprised she said that. Such dysfunctional people really do never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

By withdrawing from her that is the best thing you can do; to protect yourself from her and her accompanying dysfunctional behaviour. They i.e. your dad and sisters may well subsequently try and draw you back in via unwarranted contact and or gifts; that will not be done out of any concern for you and your wellbeing but for them to maintain your role in your overall dysfunctional family of origin. Ignore all such attempts from them.

None of your family of origin have acted at all in your best interests here; the best thing you can do is really to protect yourself and to live well without them in it day to day. You do not need their approval, not that they would ever give this to you in any case.

Raise further and reset your own boundaries with regards to all your family of origin.

Thankyou for all your responses. I looked up BACP and its £30-£40 a session I just don't have that kind of money, guess it's time to get down to the gp to get on the waiting list. I do need to start going to the baby groups, as dd is still young I thought maybe baby massage would be good?