Stuck In The Middle - Advice needed (Long)

[PandoNoPants]

I’m a regular but have NC for this as I want to keep my own posts separate.

Ok, this is long but I really need advice and don't want to drip feed, what a mess.

A week or so ago, I got a FB friend request from my friend’s wife. I have been friends with him for about 30 years since nursery. Never ever romantically involved with him – he’s like a brother. His wife felt a bit threatened by this (long term female friend) I think and I was deleted from FB ages ago – so the recent invite made me think something was up. I messaged my friend as I had not really spoken with him since Easter and said jokingly “noticed your mid-life crisis car purchase and got a friend request from your Mrs..everything ok?” He told me he had left her.

Small back story. Over the last 15 years, he has occasionally mentioned marital issues. Feeling like he is being watched like a hawk, controlling (anxious) behaviour from his DW. DW is a bit older than him and wanted children, he didn’t. It then came to the crunch and she apparently said to him it’s have children or a divorce because her clock is ticking so he agreed to make it work. FYI she has supported him through a near fatal road accident and another serious (I mean serious) life event – she really has been there for him and I think this anxiety comes from these events. Also, I say apparently because I just don’t know what to think any more – based on what you are about to read.

So at this point, I hadn’t decided whether to accept the request but he (very casually in a pig headed way) dropped in that he was seeing a wonderful girl from work, was going to drop their young son as he will soon forget about him anyway and his wife “now has” cervical cancer. At this point I decided to friend her on FB because she has no one – he is her only family and she has distanced herself from friends over the years and dedicated herself to their son. I couldn’t quite believe that my ‘friend’ would behave in this way – I’ve always had him pegged as a good guy.

His wife told me everything. He had an affair a few years ago and he came back to her with conditions. If it wasn’t for her controlling behaviour, he’d never have had this affair (I know, right..it gets better..) so unless she had counselling to change her ways, there was no hope. She jumped through hoops for this to work and then some. He has since told her that she needs to ‘man up’ about her cancer as if it’s just flu and that he won’t look after their son if she dies because he has his own life now. However, he still goes to see her often and is quite happy to jump into bed with her. Her words “we have been intimate more in the last 6 months than a long time”

So now I’m firmly stuck in the middle. He sent me a long email about how he had been emailing this girl at work since Summer (EA) and then decided he would leave 2 months ago to pursue it. His wife doesn’t know this. He spent last weekend with this girl and I now know that he borrowed the money from his wife to pay for this hotel.

His wife thinks I can wave a magic wand and fix this and make him see what he is doing/going to lose. He came back once, he will come back again. I’ve been gently trying to make her see what an utter dick my friend is – even if I could fix it, there is no way on earth he deserves her after the way he acted with the first affair and now this. The way he casually told me “This new girl keeps asking about my past and I’m worried she would run a mile with my baggage” “I will pay for whatever DS needs but will see him every now and again, he will get over me” I pretty much ripped him a new arsehole at work. I’m not sure if he thought I’d congratulate him on any of this? I actually had to point out that his DS is in pieces and has been trying to find a solution to fix his broken family. I had to point this out..wtf.

My friend totally fits the mid-life crisis script on MN by the way – he could have written it. Their DS also has autism and keeps asking if he didn’t have it, would his father love him again. It breaks my heart.

I have tried to speak to my friend but he seems to have firmly checked out of their marriage again.

Why am I posting here? I have the following dilemmas:

Friend is sleeping with DW and GF and god knows who else. DW has cervical cancer and is undergoing combined therapy. With a weakened immune system, what if he is carelessly exposing her to STI’s?

DW doesn’t know about the above.

GF doesn’t know friend is still married (left for her but she doesn’t know this) or has a son..or is still sleeping with DW or that DW has cancer.

DW doesn’t have a support network outside of him, what’s left of her family – all overseas.

Friend is using DS as a weapon. If DW doesn’t do this or that regarding a divorce, he will never see DS again or he will declare himself bankrupt to spite them.

To summarise in my eyes, my friend is being a complete an utter, selfish prick. I have been told things by both sides and am in turmoil about if I should say something to DW (I have it in writing, he emailed me from work so can’t lie). Is this going to make things worse for her and DS in the long run? If I tell her there is an OW will she go nuclear and give her DH a reason to make her life more difficult or will it give her another reason to try and rebuild her life?

I honestly wish I had never trusted my instincts to follow up on that FB friend request because I feel that I could ruin things here. I don’t want to step away because of how ill she is and how my “friend” is mistreating two different women both who are emotionally invested in him and he is lying to both. Her cancer has already progressed from stage 1 to 2 she told me on Friday.

Any advice? I keep telling her to not make herself available to him because it’s massaging his ego and making him feel wanted. I keep asking her to consider posting here for advice because of the support I’ve seen people get.

She dearly loves my friend and they have been married over 15 years – I can’t believe he is being like this. He even took DW out for her birthday last month and made her cry at the meal by telling her she was ugly inside. I’m just speechless..

I know it’s long but thanks for reading.

pando what an appalling situation. You've acted with immense grace and kindness.

On a practical note, does DW need any help in arranging the future for DS, if the worst happens to her?

Fuckwitfather won't be there for his son - ever. If DW dies, that little boy may get 6 months attention out of his fuckwitfather, tops, and I don't think he's ever going to be there for him emotionally.

On a very practical level, DW needs to explore ways to secure the best possible future for DS. He will need a lot of skilled help. Maybe even contact Winston's Wish now, I'm sure they will have information on planning for the future in this sort of case.

Well done Pando. It isn't easy to make momentous decisions when you are caught in the middle. It's a such a fine line between telling the truth, so that all parties can make informed decisions, and feeling that you are interfering with lives that are not yours.

I know someone suggested Winston's Wish for the DS, but can I refer you to this link also:

Support for children whose parents have cancer

There are several good links within that page. My DN wouldn't have got through his Mum's breast cancer without the external support of a counsellor who he was allowed to discuss anything with. (DN's daddy died when he was nearly 7 yrs old and then Mummy got breast cancer 18 months later.) It is very frightening for children to think they will lose BOTH parents - and they do tend to wonder if they have been naughty and are being punished somehow. DN was assigned a specialist children's counsellor who managed his worries and fears perfectly.

I used to look after DN most weekends and holidays and had to take him to counselling if it fell during holiday weeks. Apparently DN used to talk about his best friend (my dog) who he could tell anything to. The counsellor arranged for me to bring the dog to the front door so that DN could introduce his counsellor to "his very best friend in the whole world". DN was simply thrilled with that interaction and showed off how many commands the DDog would follow.

The DW will be assigned counselling via her oncology services, but I found MacMillan to be fantastic with telephone support when my DH was terminally ill.

Well done OP. You are a very special person

Can I use your thread to wish springydaffs healing and happiness. I didn't know that she was facing cancer and our posting history together goes back a very long way.

Take care my lovely. I'll be offering up good thoughts/prayers for you tonight.

Thankyou sadwidow and for all the good wishes on here . means a lot though i feel a bit embarrassed about blurting it out tbh

Pando you are a star, you have done the right thing

It must be such a shock it has turned out he is this sort of person. But look how he is getting his comeuppance! You are in a powerful position and you're using it well. For all the bad that is happening in DW's life there's the good in you to counterbalance.There are people in your position who would have walked away and not got involved - you haven't done that. You have brought a great deal of good in an appalling situation

Hi, I read this thread the other day but it has taken me a while to gather myself to respond. I have been through a very similar experience believe it or not, from the lying, cheating, pretending to be confused to separating and then still leading me on, emotional abuse etc etc etc.
I too was prepared to forgive (I did not realize he was having a full on affair) and for months I was dragged through this, until I finally figured out he was actually in a relationship with the OW. Then I managed to walk away, but he still tried to reel me in.
I have been through this journey and am FINALLY coming out the other end - 2 and half years later.
I don't want to get into all of it on an internet forum, but I have had a lot of therapy and tried various alternative therapies too.
I also became gravely ill. I nearly died from an autoimmune disease.
And when I was in hospital for a few weeks, he made it difficult for the kids to visit me, and not once asked how I was, if I was going to be OK. Not one bit of compassion for the mother of his children.
We were in the final stages of getting a divorce then and he tried to argue that I was not fit to be the primary carer as I was so ill. I had to get a legal and medical defense for this - and he had not even asked what my prognosis was.
Luckily I am on the mend, although a relapse is possible. I am trying to stay healthy.
The reason I am sharing this now, and if your friend would like to PM me I am sure I could help her, is that I have eventually reached an understanding of this whole mess.
I too, had a very traumatic incident when young.
This "taught me" at an early age that I cannot trust people.
In a nut shell: I chose to marry a man that, sub consciously, I knew would not get too close to me, as the thought of that terrifies me. I chose a man who was self centered and caused a lot of emotional pain, which from a young age I thought I deserved.
He sounds just like your husband: a narcissist, possibly a sociopath.
What I am working on now is to try and believe that I am worth more.
People don't understand why other people remain in dysfunctional relationships.
I suspect your friend, like me, feels safe in this relationship of emotional pain, as it is all she knows.
She is running on empty - physically and emotionally.
Relationships like this can seriously affect our immune systems.
She really needs to focus on her health now and do what she can to boost herself.
I don't really have advice to offer her other than what has been said:
he will never change
he will always destroy you - and find new ways to do it
Although it is a painful journey - you are better off without him.
and….
you need to try get some therapy.
It's tough, but once you can unravel the mess and understand… then you can start healing and moving on.
And, OP, thank you for being such a good friend to her.

Your ex friend is a total cunt, you have done the right thing

Well done. At least all the women know the truth and can make future well informed plans