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Original poster

Falling in love and stuck between man who wants kids and woman who can't

36 replies

trycicle · 02/11/2015 18:13

I'm 31 and I think I'm falling for a man in his late forties. As always, there's a hitch.

He used to be in a casual relationship with a woman in her early fifties who is now divorced. She has a child from her marriage.

We were talking about it last week and he said this woman is in love with him and would still want a relationship with him. I asked him how he felt. He said it isn't straight-forward and that he felt very attached to her, maybe something like love. He assured me they weren't seeing each other anymore. I said in that case, why not?

He said because he wanted children and she couldn't have any anymore.

I think he likes me very much indeed (its early days) and I definitely know he finds me very physically attractive. I just felt my heart die a little. My face must have given everything away. He said "I have more love than for just one person".

I suppose it's fair enough in a way - he can't be with her if he definitely wants a child that is biologically his, and that's that, and he is moving on in his life.

But from my point of view, it just made me feel like some kind of broodmare. Am I just some younger woman he is scoping out for a relationship and potentially a ''childbearer'' as he tries to get over the fact that he can't be with this other woman?

Am I being over-sensitive/unfair? Would like to hear similar experiences and some balanced POVs please.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/11/2015 18:16

"I have more love than for just one person"

You just got a massive warning. Heed it.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 02/11/2015 18:18

Erm, vom.

You really want to be treated like a walking womb or find someone who values you as a person with a their own mind.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 02/11/2015 18:27

You'd be his second choice. Yuk.

BoboChic · 02/11/2015 18:32

He's too old for you.

FredaMayor · 02/11/2015 18:33

This person is a waste of your time.

TooSassy · 02/11/2015 18:36

Here's the thing. I admire his honesty. There are dealbreakers I have certainly ended one of my relationships over. I was still totally in love with this person when I ended it. Broke my heart but it was the right thing to do. So for what's he done I admire him. And he's been upfront about it.

However. I would run a mile from someone who is still in love with someone else. I rebounded from the guy I was still in Love with in, in spectacular fashion and really hurt the rebound guy. To this day I feel ashamed over how I treated him.

Don't get involved with someone still in love with someone else. It may end in tears

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 02/11/2015 18:38

I think you are his second choice sadly OP - and you are so young and deserve better than an old (er!) man with all this baggage

Cut free

anothernumberone · 02/11/2015 18:39

Does this actually have anything to do with children or is it that he has too much love for just one woman. The whole thing with the other woman would make me run a mile.

wilkos · 02/11/2015 18:55

He's in love with her.

Worse case scenario - you have baby, he can't 'live without her' you separate and have to split your child's time with him 50:50, which he spends ensconced in a family set up with the woman who couldn't have kids as your child's stepmother.

BoboChic · 02/11/2015 18:56

wilkos - yes, scary scenario but not impossible.

Have we talked sense into you yet, OP?

wilkos · 02/11/2015 18:57

Argh posted too soon

As others have said - he's telling you what he wants, and I would say you are actually third on the list, with his ex and this hypothetical biological child (your child you so generously gift him) first and second.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 02/11/2015 18:59

I'm afraid (IMO), that ship for him has long sailed. Late 40's?! He sounds like someone who has enjoyed (perhaps) a string of fun relationships, never wanted to settle down and now he is panicked by his age, and the fact he never had kids. But that's not your problem to magically solve. And late 40's is too old (IMO anyway) to be starting a family. And the thing is, he is late 40's now, but you're not anywhere near in a serious enough relationship yet to have kids with him, so that'd maybe take another 2 years, to be in the right place emotionally with him, to start a family, by which time he's early 50's. So when the oldest is 18 (assuming you conceive as soon as you start TTC), he's almost 70. And you're left aged 50 married to a codger. And btw, of course he finds you attractive, you're at least 20 years younger than his last GF. Is he foreign?

RomComPhooey · 02/11/2015 19:00

"I have more love than for just one person" = I want to have my cake and eat it. Like AF says, you've been warned!

scatterthenuns · 02/11/2015 19:01

Sounds like this man is looking for a surrogate, not a partner.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 02/11/2015 19:04

Total mid life crisis from a Peter Pan who never grew up and now thinks a younger fertile woman on his arm and the fruit of his prodigious loins bouncing on his knee will cover the crows' feet and paunch.

Feel sorry for the other woman. He's essentially saying she's not enough now her eggs have gone.

Yuck.

pocketsaviour · 02/11/2015 19:09

"I have more love than for just one person"

He's just laid his non-monogamous cards on the table, OP. (He should have put this more openly and less ambiguously.)

If monogamy is a deal-breaker for you, you need to move on before you get too attached.

expatinscotland · 02/11/2015 19:12

This means: he will sprog you up, that's what he wants, and shag her, too, because . . . that's what he wants. It's all about what he wants. There is nothing to admire here. This man is slime.

Original poster
trycicle · 02/11/2015 19:17

Thanks for all your calm replies.

Tbh I feel sorry for myself ;-) but I feel more sorry for this woman. A part of me wants to be in denial, but at the same time, logic tells me: he can't really give that much of a shit about her, because I think if you really were in love with someone, you'd be with them and find a way around it (maybe adoption, or maybe some way of having a 'surrogate', etc.).

It's quite sad all round.

OP posts:
uglyswan · 02/11/2015 19:17

Christ, OP, are you dating Henry VIII or something? Come on, you deserve better than being second choice for a man who just wants dibs on your reproductive system.

Twinklestein · 02/11/2015 19:19

Men say the same thing about dating women whose biological clock is ticking.

If a woman split with a man because he definitely didn't want kids and she wanted to find a relationship with someone who did, that would be ok.

However, I do think in fact, he's warning you he may always be in love with her. And possibly that he will shag her again.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 02/11/2015 19:21

I agree with AF and pocket.
He has declared open relationship status.
Trust your gut. If it just doesn't feel right, then it isn't...regardless if you can absolutely pin-point and verbalize why.

He assured me they weren't seeing each other anymore.
Bullshit meter is going off. I'd bet he is still seeing her as explained: I have more love than for just one person.

regenerationfez · 02/11/2015 19:28

I'm not sure it really matters what he wants. Do you want your children to have a dad who is 60 when they are still in primary school? If no, that's your answer. Men like this need to know that just because they may biologically be able to father children as long as they want, it may not be advisable or desirable. Or possible to find a willing womb.

ShebaShimmyShake · 02/11/2015 19:32

He doesn't want kids, he wants an excuse to shag around as much as he likes without committing to anyone, including the mother of the kids he yearns for but hasn't got round to having in nearly 50 years.

If he wants to shag around with women who want the same, have at it man, enjoy. What's putting me off is the way he's trying to couch it in the deepest spiritual terms of love and longing for fatherhood, although if he wanted either of those that much you'd think he'd have done something about it by now.

I don't think he even wants kids, I think he wants an acceptable excuse to shag someone much younger. I don't judge age gap relationships, I've dated men up to 30 years older. But only when they owned their decision and their choice like I did. None of this bollocks about, 'well it's because even though I'm nearly 60 and have never even tried to have kids, I totally yearn for them so bring all the young women this way'. No. You're in it for our mutual pleasure or I am out the door.

expatinscotland · 02/11/2015 19:38

'because I think if you really were in love with someone, you'd be with them and find a way around it (maybe adoption, or maybe some way of having a 'surrogate', etc.).'

She may not want any of those options. BUT it's irrelevant. This guy is a shagabout. Says he isn't seeing her. Yeah, right.

Fintan · 02/11/2015 19:55

There was a thread very similar to this quite some time ago.

The man, it turned out, was actually living with the 50+ year old woman.
Very similar scenario though. How odd. Tried searching for the thread as the replies may be useful to OP, but my recollections of it are too vague to find it again.

I agree with several pp. This guy's a shagger. Be very careful.

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