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Original poster

Cheating so called wife

31 replies

Finallyfoundherout · 01/11/2015 15:00

I've suspected my wife of having an affair for last 12 months. We've been married 10 years, have 2 fabulous kids who are both lower primary age. No known issues with relationship from my point, thought we were in a loving happy marriage.
Each time I've confronted her she has denied it and claimed to be just good friends with the fella I suspect she is shagging. Even going as far as asking me how I thought she would do this to our bueatiful family!
I was away for a week with work last month and was sent a hotel invoice and some pics of this so called friend in the hotel. The invoice is in my wifes name so sure it is genuine. They stayed overnight in a hotel while I was away working, she even paid for it FFS. I'm furious. Despite my anger I don't want our kids to suffer and my relationship with my wife had been good and if possible I'd like to try and work together and save the marraige.
Unfortunately we have family staying with us this week and have a number of events planned so can't confront her with my evidence until next weekend (will be a long hard week keeping it to myself). The children will be staying with grand parents so will be out of the way.

How do I keep my cool when I confront her?
Do people really survive affairs?
Why would she want to break up our beautiful family for the sake of a shag (or several!) The chap she is shagging has fuck all, lives where they work and from what I know has more exes than I've had hot dinners!

Thanks for reading and apologies for the rambling!

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 01/11/2015 15:10

Why do you need to "keep cool" when you confront her? I wouldn't feel the need. And if she's been cheating on your FOR 12 WHOLE MONTHS then she will deserve to get it from you with both barrels.

Couples can survive affairs but only if the cheating party truly is repentant and wants to make things right to regain complete trust, and only if the cheated-on party can truly forgive. Do you think that's possible, rather than it turning into a nasty festering wound which destroys both of you?

"Why would she want to break up our beautiful family for the sake of a shag?"

I suspect she never thought that far ahead, and half of the thrill was the deception. If that's the case, she likely has little respect for you or your feelings.

loveyoutothemoon · 01/11/2015 15:11

Sorry I'm confused. Who sent the pics? And to you?

lalalonglegs · 01/11/2015 15:14

It is possible for relationships to survive affairs but there has to be real contrition and a commitment to the marriage by the person who has strayed. It's hard to tell at this stage if your wife will be willing to cut all contact with her lover and refocus on her relationship with you Flowers.

VimFuego101 · 01/11/2015 15:14

Who sent the invoice/ pics? I'd look at their motives before you accuse her. It just seems odd that someone else would have access to them to send them to you.

Sighing · 01/11/2015 15:16

Keeping your cool can be satisfying, to be entirely controlled in your response is hard though. But to do that you have to start with a clear idea of what you want.
Personally, I couldn't stay with someone who'd betrayed my trust and lied to my face. I wouldn't want to trust that someone again. I'd be straight to talking about how to make a separation easiest for the children. I don't think teaching children they have to put up with betrayl is a good or healthy thing.

tribpot · 01/11/2015 15:17

Not sure I quite follow how you've got this evidence, who sent you to the photos? (And the invoice for that matter). Someone must have looked after the children for her, can you get them to corroborate? They must have thought it was highly odd she was going away for the night whilst you were also away?

Fundamentally I don't think you're going to make it to next weekend. I think you need to move the guests out and confront her as soon as possible, particularly so she doesn't have time to create a story.

It doesn't sound like she really intends to leave you for this guy, which is at best a mixed blessing - you don't want to spend your whole life wondering if she only stayed because he had no money and was utterly unreliable.

From reading MN, I think the general wisdom is that a marriage can survive an affair but only if the cheater is completely contrite and willing to do all the work to regain trust. Given the scale of her lies, I would not be hopeful that she will be able to recognise what she has done.

You don't need to make a decision right away about the long term future of your marriage. A lot depends on her reaction.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Sighing · 01/11/2015 15:18

Usually the advice is to just say "I know you were with / at so and so on date" and let them show whether they intend to lie or be honest.

Madbengalmum · 01/11/2015 15:20

Do you have a private detective following her for the pictures??

RivieraKid · 01/11/2015 15:31

If the invoice is genuine then I really think you need to find out how it and the pictures got to you, do you have a suspicion of who may have sent it?

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
Finallyfoundherout · 01/11/2015 16:33

The pictures were emailed anonymously. Have had emails on and off now from the same source claiming she is having an affair for around 6 months whch has added to my suspicions. Honestly hadn't thought about who or how whoever sent the email had gotten hold of them. Another puzzle! But why would someone go to the trouble to make up claims like this?

OP posts:
JeffsanArsehole · 01/11/2015 16:35

It could be her sending the emails and pictures. Or him.

Don't forget that.

juneau · 01/11/2015 16:37

It sounds like a mutual friend who is disgusted with her behaviour has decided to out her. Either that, or Mr Shag himself wants you out of the picture.

But no, why keep your cool? I'd be fucking livid and while I understand your desire to keep your family together you will both need to be completely committed to making the marriage work and you will need to forgive her and trust her again. Given her 12-month deception I would question whether that's possible, or even desirable for you.

Sighing · 01/11/2015 16:39

If pictures / invoices are included it really points to one of them doing the sending (or at a stretch a partner of the guy). It has to be someone with access to pot/ phone/ email etc.

ImperialBlether · 01/11/2015 16:46

I don't understand this. You have been sent documents on and off for the past six months to suggest your wife is having an affair? Do the emails say anything or just have attachments/photos? Why do you think it's been going on for a year when you've only been given evidence for six months?

Was the bill for the hotel paid by card? Most hotels won't accept cash payments now. If it was paid by card, was it paid out of your wife's account? Can she prove/disprove that?

RedMapleLeaf · 01/11/2015 16:47

You've been receiving these emails for months and you haven't once wondered who is sending them?

Seeyounearertime · 01/11/2015 17:08

Was your wife in the pics with him? Were the pictures taken in the hotel? If so how do you know they were? Are they both stood in front of the hotel sign?

It's not likely but have you though that some vindictive OW, maybe an ex of yours? But someone who knows you and your wife enough to sow these vile seeds? Basically, is there anyone you can thinknofnwoth a grudge against you enough to fake all this and email you?

Seeyounearertime · 01/11/2015 17:09

thinknofnwoth
Should say "think of with"

loveyoutothemoon · 01/11/2015 17:10

Very much sounds like the other man. What does she say when you confront her?

spudlike1 · 01/11/2015 20:59

Very odd must be them sending the pics or someone who has access to their camera phone.

RivieraKid · 01/11/2015 21:25

Have had emails on and off now from the same source claiming she is having an affair for around 6 months whch has added to my suspicions.

Seriously, you haven't found out who it is in six months? Did you show your wife these emails? Pictures of him in the hotel must have been taken by either one of them, so...

TooSassy · 01/11/2015 21:33

Something isn't adding up here OP.

Who is sending you these and why?
Who had the DC's while you were away and she was away, apparently in this hotel?

Your wife may well be up to no good. But seriously. Something is off here. Don't you think?

ciele · 01/11/2015 21:53

very, very odd evidence here????

noclueses · 02/11/2015 14:22

OP said that he suspected for a year and only in the last 6 mnths he started getting emails which added to his suspicion. So there were signs before this. I also think it's the other man sending. As he's got 'fuck all' according to OP, he may want the wife to be divorced and get the p[ayout and then sponge off her.

donajimena · 02/11/2015 14:49

If I were a betting person I'd say it was the other man sending you this stuff.
What dreadful behaviour from your wife. I'm sorry OP.
People do recover from affairs. Id say a higher proportion go through pain, upheaval but ultimately a positive future free from the cheating shites.
Keep posting. You will get a lot of support from those who have been through it.

pocketsaviour · 02/11/2015 15:55

But how would the alleged OM take pictures of himself in the hotel (assuming they weren't obvious selfies)?

There is definitely something not adding up here. Where were kids? What is on her bank statement re the hotel?

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