DH hungover all weekend - really dispiriting

[Ladywithababy1]

So he went out on Friday night with some friends which I sanctioned but was vile all day Saturday even thought we went for a lovely walk in the park with DS, and only perked up when he had a beer with lunch.

He then started up again with the rugby and carried on relentlessly until 11pm (bear in mind that DS has been waking at 5.15ish and I have been doing mornings.)

So today he is hungover again and is refusing to speak or engage with me and keeps telling me to go away and leave him alone. This means that again he won't have any quality time with us as a family today as he will be grumpy and tired all day.

I feel sad really that the weekend for DS as his dad isn't really 'there' in spirit.

As an additional point, last night when he was drunk and I was trying to explain why I was upset, he admitted that he doesn't really 'enjoy' or take pleasure in a lot of things that ordinary people love (eg walks on the beach, swimming with DS, picnics etc).

Should I be worried? Does this sound like depression?

Honestly? It sounds like he has a drink problem rather than depression. Alcoholics typically can't enjoy the things most of us do without a drink or several to "get them through it".

I'm not saying he has full-blown alcoholism as there's not enough in your post to go on - does he do this sort of thing often?

Nope sorry op sounds like he's a piss head nasty man child.
He's telling you who he is, don't wait years for his attitude to rub off on your child

Is this every weekend or a one off?

It's fairly frequent but he won't drink for days or weeks (or have the occasional drink), but then go through stages like this.

He's not very confident socially so I know booze helps him be more outgoing, but I hate the fact it impinges on family time together and that it means I get snapped at for decisions he makes.

Don't blame his bad behaviour on depression.

He has issues with alcohol.

I have always thought as much but the good time outweigh the bad times AT THE MOMENT. The problem is that there may be a tipping point on its way, where these periods of drinking get more and more frequent.

So the question is what do I do next?? I have tried talking to him so so many times and he is full of denials, saying I'm stressed at work, I'm tired etc etc.

I torn between fury (because it means I shoulder an unfair burden of liking after DS and trying to be happy and upbeat for him, whilst also sleep deprived) and worry (because I love DH and he is gentle and sensitive).

Ok one drinking session and one hangover is fine, normal and understandable. The second is also fine, normal and understandable BUT shows he is insensitive to family needs.

If it's a one off, move on. If it isn't , discuss it.

Men aren't always so keen on the family outings as we are and I'm not so keen myself. DD still gets this fun and that's what is important, to me.

No.
It sounds like he is dependant on alcohol.

I do understand that and I know that when DS is this little that DH is a bit flummoxed as to what DS gets out of doing these activities, but to my mind it's important for DS to get lots of fresh air and new experiences as a way of fostering memories and helping with his development. And I do enjoy it as I like being outside!

Maybe I am overthinking it all, I don't know, I just sometimes feel like DH can't shake off his 'old life' whereas I have embraced the change.

I know it's hard to adjust so I have been sympathetic about it to him and with him, but I just hate being in the house with such a grumpy 'tired' person!

"...and only perked up when he had a beer with lunch. "

You partner is alcohol dependant.!

Sorry for rogue explanation mark

*exclamation mark, geez

Thing is what do I do about him being alcohol dependant?? I don't know where to start. I know the MN saying

You didn't cause this
You can't control this
You can't cure this

But how do I approach it with him, to get him to take control??

If he doesn't see a problem, and / or doesn't want to do anything about it, then there is nothing YOU can do - why is it your responsibility to make him "see"? The only thing you can change I suppose is how you react to it?

His behaviour is selfish and rude - if he was a team player in regard to family life he would recognise this. Instead he feels hard done by being 'dragged' out for a walk. And that's the nub of it. I think resorting to drink (with the handy excuse for miserable behaviour of being hangover) is just avoidance on his part. He sounds resentful and you sound downtrodden. It's a recipe for divorce. He needs to wise up but equally you can't keep pussyfooting around him. Time for some straight talking about what is acceptable from here on in, because this will Not. Get. Better (been there, done that).

I know, I guess I just need to tell him each time he does it, calmly, that it is making me unhappy and it is affecting family life, and then just go out and do things with DS without him and let him lie around feeling sorry for himself.

Yes that's what you do. Tell him his behaviour is making you unhappy then get on with things without him.

Don't negotiate, don't bargain, don't row.

Then see what happens. If it continues then you need to decide what to do and if you can continue with him.

He does have an alcohol problem.
If he doesn't want to do anything about it, it will get worse and these episodes will get more frequent.
I know this from bitter experience from my own childhood.

The thing you need to consider is this:
There is a risk that you will end up parenting alone.
You may find that you have to do this while working around someone who becomes unpredictable, difficult, depressive, unsociable and unreliable.

If he doesn't take steps to change his behaviour it will get worse. Much, much worse.

I know, I guess I just need to tell him each time he does it, calmly, that it is making me unhappy and it is affecting family life

No - you don't tell him when he does it, you tell him when he's not on the booze, and is the sober, living, kind man you know he can be.

When he's OK you might feel you don't want to rock the boat by raising the subject, but it's the only way you'll find out what he really feels -and get an answer from him, not from the alcohol.

Your post like many of these types is mainly about him, not you and your feelings in any great depth. But you most certainly matter.

The 3cs re alcoholism (they are not MN sayings):-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Alcohol is a depressant and your DH may well be self medicating with alcohol.

Are you worried about his drinking?. Have you made excuses for him?. You write you've already sanctioned some of his drinking time.

Was his "old life" circled around alcohol just as much as well?. Look carefully at his friends; are they really all drinking buddies just like him?. Alcoholics tend to stick with like minded people.

Alcoholics are also mired in denial so it does not surprise me in the least that he does not think there are any issues. Talking to him therefore will not make any difference whatsoever.

What is the longest period of time to your knowledge that he has gone without alcohol?. If it is impacting on your life (and from the little you write it certainly is) then it is a problem and not one that you can yourself solve. It has to come from him and him alone; any coercion on your part to make him see otherwise will not work.

I would seriously consider contacting Al-anon and at the very least read their literature if you cannot attend one of their meetings. Al-anon is specifically for people affected by someone else's drinking, it is not for your DH.

Consider this too. Is this the sort of life you want your son to be growing up with?. Children of alcoholic parent/s more often than not end up with a raft of emotional problems which carry over into their own adulthood and relationships. What do you want to teach your son about relationships here?.

You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

The last two in particular are very hard to get your head around but accept this you must. Currently you are being dragged down with him into his pit of alcohol.

It doesn't sound to me like he has an alcohol problem. It sounds like he has a problem accepting that he's a responsible parent now.
There's nothing wrong with him having a night out (do you get a night out?) but he needs to limit his intake so he's not hungover and unable to enjoy these precious moments with your DS.
It seems to me that he's happy to get drunk because he knows you'll look after DS whilst he is lazing around nursing a hangover. I think this is what you need to discuss.

rockabilly I think you may be right. He has struggled a lot more than me with becoming parents and he also is really truly awful with being sleep deprived whereas I have lots of energy so can cope better.

But I agree that him lying around with a hangover while I look after DS and cook Sunday dinner is so self indulgent and not the way a loving husband and father behaves.

There's just no point challenging him on any of this until he is sober and rested though. Argh.

Forget rested. Talk to him when he's sober. Obviously something of a vicious cycle if he isn't adjusting easily to parethood and avoids issues by getting drunk all weekend. Then he's grumpy and hungover. When do you get a rest? I think it's fine for him to live like this, as long ashe moves out.