DH hungover all weekend - really dispiriting

[Ladywithababy1]

So he went out on Friday night with some friends which I sanctioned but was vile all day Saturday even thought we went for a lovely walk in the park with DS, and only perked up when he had a beer with lunch.

He then started up again with the rugby and carried on relentlessly until 11pm (bear in mind that DS has been waking at 5.15ish and I have been doing mornings.)

So today he is hungover again and is refusing to speak or engage with me and keeps telling me to go away and leave him alone. This means that again he won't have any quality time with us as a family today as he will be grumpy and tired all day.

I feel sad really that the weekend for DS as his dad isn't really 'there' in spirit.

As an additional point, last night when he was drunk and I was trying to explain why I was upset, he admitted that he doesn't really 'enjoy' or take pleasure in a lot of things that ordinary people love (eg walks on the beach, swimming with DS, picnics etc).

Should I be worried? Does this sound like depression?

he admitted that he doesn't really 'enjoy' or take pleasure in a lot of things that ordinary people love

tbh I didn't either when I was in a particularly fucked-up stage of alcoholism, depression and alcoholism walk hand in hand. I started because you're depressed and (obviously) it made me worse, then got depressed because I couldn't stop and felt dreadful all the time. Vicious circle.

Would agree you need to talk to him when he's sober, just don't expect him to recognise there's even a problem.

*started because I was depressed, even. Brain fail.

"He has struggled a lot more than me with becoming parents and he also is really truly awful with being sleep deprived whereas I have lots of energy so can cope better".

That is also because you are not befuddled with alcohol unlike him.

Its all very well you writing that he has struggled a lot more than you since becoming a parent but you do not have and have never had that particular luxury. You've become the responsible one here. Do you think that by writing the above you are somehow really excusing him?.

You have one child, you do not need to carry this man as well.

Do you think your H is using alcohol here as a crutch?.

What is the longest period of time to your knowledge that he has gone without alcohol?.

Are all his friends really his drinking buddies?.

I am going to go against the grain here, and say that he is not an alcoholic. My Dad is - and he drinks every single day. And everything centres around the ability to get alcohol at the venue and the ability to get a taxi home. You said that he often goes days, weeks and months without alcohol. If he was like this all the time, then yeh, that would be a problem. But he sounds to me, like a young guy who likes the occasional night out with his pals. Of course he's going to have a hangover the next day. I find it a strange turn of phrase when you said you sanctioned his night out. Are you sure you haven't turned in to the Fun Police since you had DS? I've seen marriages go down the tubes, when the woman changes personality after having kids. I'm sure this isn't the case, but just think about it. Do you do grown up things with DH? Nights out etc. It's not all about DS. You need to keep the spark alive.

Holy shit....

My Dad is - and he drinks every single day. And everything centres around the ability to get alcohol at the venue and the ability to get a taxi home

Not all of us are exactly the same. I was high-functioning all the way up until I wasn't and lost my job and my house. And I didn't drink every day. I'm sorry about your father but a lot of problem drinkers (not always alcoholics but you know, it's still an issue) 'save up' the days of the week and then go mad over the weekend because they 'deserve it' after being off the sauce for four or five whole days. We don't all have the same experience.

If he really can go for weeks without now, that's great and I hope he can stick to that, but if it becomes more frequent then there's a storm brewing.

I'm going to go against the grain. I think the depression makes him turn to drink, and the drink makes him more angry and depressed, so he drinks, and so the cycle continues.

You need to speak to him when he's sober. If he truly doesn't take joy in anything, that does sound like depression, and he needs to see his GP and get some counselling and maybe some medication too.

He won't be able to drink while he takes anti-depressants, and it might help him break the cycle of drinking when he feels he can't cope. He has to WANT to change, though. If he doesn't, no amount of help will make any difference, unfortunately.

Alcoholism is associated with an addictive personality.

The crutch could be anything - it doesn't have to be alcohol.

The difficulty comes when the individual needs the crutch more and more - for instance when faced with responsibility.

There is a pattern here. I would like to know how much responsibility this man takes generally in terms of his parenting, partner in the relationship etc.

The huge red flag for me is his ability to simply opt out of his family for a whole weekend.

IME this is what can get worse over a period of time - when one parent simply abdicates the parenting role and increases the time spent with the booze and the drinking buddies.

The OP hasn't said much about how family life/work etc is when her DP is not drinking.

He won't be able to drink while he takes anti-depressants

Trust me, if you're determined to keep drinking it doesn't stop you. I drank for years on anti-psychotics and valium, which is like dancing round the edge of your own grave every time you make the choice to pick up a glass. It's truly insane the lengths some of us go to.

Whether he actually is an alcoholic or not I can't say, I just know it sounds depressing. Being with someone who's grumpy and hungover when they're supposed to be having family time must be grim.

Trust me, if you're determined to keep drinking it doesn't stop you.

True, I just know when I was on citalopram, I felt DREADFUL after even one drink!

It just stops the anti-depressants from working if you keep drinking. Plenty of people do this and complain that the anti depressants don't work!

He is generally very good with DS and from the start did night feeds and so on, he's just not good at al when hungover or tired. He does give me a lie in one day of the weekend an always does either bath time or bedtime, as long as he is back in time.

I do all the cooking and cleaning and admin. When mat leave ends in a few weeks I have made it clear a 50:50 split on everything is the only acceptable approach.

So I am sort of waiting till we are in the swing of things with work and nursery and so on to see whether this type of behaviour continues.

I am on Citalopram and have found it immensely helpful for my PN anxiety. I do drink but not a lot, mainly because I find it messes my sleep up.

ILiveAtTheBeach may be right in that technically he may not be an alcoholic but in a way it doesn't matter... the bottom line is that he is choosing to prioritse booze over family life for the duration of a whole weekend.

He's essentially saying "my right to get pissed trumps you and your kid's needs." It's not going to be sustainable. If he can't come to this realisation alone then you will need to think seriously about whether you have a future with him.

For what its worth it does sound like he has a drink problem to me...

Jesus. From what you have posted he is clearly not an alcoholic or alcohol dependant.

Please ignore all the posters suggesting he is - if they are too blind or daft to read your posts completely and properly then their 'advice' is frankly worthless.

All that said, there clearly is an issue here that you need to discuss. But you also need to be open to what he has to say - it is simply untrue that all 'ordinary people' like going for walks and picnics. Plenty of folk would see them as boring activities.