WWYD? - Mother has almost driven me to suicide. Need advice again! (Bit of a ramble - sorry)

[StuckInARabbitHole]

NC but have posted before about my mother cutting me off but not about the fallout to my mental health so apologies if anyone remembers me and thinks I am repeating myself!

Had a big fallout with my mother a few years back due to confronting her about my mentally/physically abusive childhood. She told me she did her best but I was a difficult child. She used examples of me deliberately eating my dinner slowly (as a child) to annoy everyone else as they had to stay at the table as the rule was that no one could leave until everyone had finished every scrap of food on the plate, and that I was spiteful and nasty to my siblings. I asked 2 of them about this (there are 7) and they couldn't remember me ever doing anything to them. Then she shot a blinder by telling me that she used to lock away the knives because she feared that I would get up at night and murder everyone in their beds. I do have a recollection of being told this by her when I was around 12/13 because she accused me of sleepwalking around the house.

I requested my full GP medical records from childhood after she said this expecting to see some kind of psychiatric intervention listed but there was nothing. I actually requested a referral to a psychiatrist when I was about 20 (after leaving home) as I couldn't sleep at night for fear someone would break in and kill me (I also used to be terrified of this while living at home, my mother did try to kill me once by strangling me so I think I felt unsafe - understatement!). As soon as the psychiatrist started probing about my family, I stopped going as I was still in deep denial about my mother then and accepted the blame for being a difficult child, although in reality I was a straight A student and spent most of my childhood in my room.

Things were OK on the surface with my family until I started therapy and it dawned on me where my self loathing and self sabotage stemmed from and decided to confront my mother as she had started to single out my DS1 (name calling) who is extremely forward thinking and intelligent just like I was as a DC. DH had noticed some oddities within my family but knew nothing about the abuse until I admitted it to myself after witnessing my mother calling then 7 year old DS 'ugly and stupid'. She saw my DC about twice yearly at that point and I used to travel to see my siblings about the same amount of times although I went for a few years not seeing some of them.

My mother then cut me off completely after I brought up the sexual abuse I suffered (I was on a roll and couldn't shut up) and took my siblings with her (they sided with her due to 'loyalty'), as she did not want to discuss it with me as she was too old and just wanted to be left in peace apparently.

I told her she would not be having any further relationship with my DCs while she didn't want a relationship with me. This was after a 6 month period where she refused to talk to me and I had to miss 2 siblings weddings due to them not wanting me there. She has taken me at my word even though I later emailed her that I would facilitate occasional contact. Stupidly, as she didn't reply, because of the massive guilt I felt at DC asking when they would see her.

A sister sent me a text later on telling me that my mother had told the whole family something 'shocking' about me and that the family was better off without me in it. She would not elaborate further.

I should know better! but I am still obsessing over what that shocking thing is. I recently emailed my mother asking her in desperation but she did not reply.

I grew up being told that I was evil and psycho and I cannot let go of the fear that I may have done something terrible when I was a child which I can't remember. This would of course mean that I am inherently evil.

I have been in therapy for years as I suffer from OCD and am basically crippled by anxiety which has now got worse in that I had to quit my job over it. I have 'harm' OCD which means that I worry that I am a risk to my DC and that I may accidentally harm them or have a psychotic break (never had one before) while I am with them on my own. I also worry about hitting someone with my car accidentally or ramming someone with my trolley in the supermarket! etc. I have had OCD since I was a young child (hid it well as I did not know what it was) and have gone through all the manifestations from cleaning/fear of DC getting germs, to having to pray to stop bad things happening etc. The fear of harming my DC myself has been the hardest to deal with and I have to battle severe anxiety when I am alone with them.

I am working with my therapist to evidence that I am in fact a relatively decent person and my DC are safe with me but I cannot get over this 'shocking' thing that has been said about me. I do actually worry that I committed a murder or something and it was covered up - although I am aware this is my OCD talking.

No one in my family will talk to me. I don't have anyone's contact details any more (threw my address book away and have changed phones since so have no saved numbers). My mother has moved and does not want me or my adult DD to have her address and has changed her phone number. This further reinforces that my mother must be 'afraid' of me. In fact my whole family snubbed DD when she tried to contact them herself last year despite my advising her not to. She had them in her life until she was 14.

I am still so deep in fear that I am actually evil that I have thought about suicide to protect my DC from me, although rationally I know that my DC would suffer more from me not being here and what if, in the end, I discover that I'm not actually evil and this is all my mother's mind games, that would be a bloody waste and anyway I don't want to bloody well die! Running away won't work as they will think that I didn't love them enough to stay!

I truly believe I would not be here today but for my DH of 22 years who tells me that he knows exactly who I am.

I don't know what the fuck to do any more and every day is a bloody struggle. I have never committed a crime, done drugs, don't drink, there is no evidence that I am a psychopath - just what my mother has told me.

I feel like a pariah and that I must be a truly horrible person for my own family not to care whether I am alive of dead.

WWYD? Sometimes I think that I should just drive to the only sibling who's address I remember and tell them that I will not leave until they tell me what's been said. I can't carry on with this fear . Help!

Wow, your mother sounds like a total bitch. She's really done a great job of shattering your self confidence and even managed to make you question your whole being.

I too have a nasty piece of work for a mother and that's why I now have absolutely nothing to do with her. I made the decision a couple of years ago that she was costing me and my family way too much (emotionally).

I really hope you can find the same strength. The more you dwell on this and screw yourself up trying to figure out what crap she has made up, the more she wins. You need to trust yourself and your DH and ignore any bollocks this woman talks.

It is sad that your siblings have chosen her side (I too lost contact with my sibling when I cut my mother off) but it is their choice and you don't know what kind of crap they are dealing with from her too.

Please be strong, have faith in yourself and don't even entertain suicidal thoughts - your children need you. Sending you x

I would very much doubt you did something heinous. From what you've said, your mother has attempted to justify her appalling treatment of you by (unjustly) making you out to be some sort of devil child.

She abused you. She's tried to deflect blame back into you.
You've then gone on to escape, have a decent relationship and kids, she's tried to suck you back in to be her punchbag
The logical escalation of that is to invent this terrible thing you apparently did. She's done it to deflect attention from her abuse. She must be scared you'll expose her.

Absolutely do not let this woman near you or your precious children.

The response to her has to be habeous corpus - she shows you the bodies or she's lying her arse off. Turn to your own loving family and keep on with the therapy. Response to her should be :

"Oh goodness what rubbish have you/she made up about me now? You /she obviously needs to make up these fantasies to pin the blame on someone else. I don't believe a word of it. " and if it's to your old family "she's making anything she can up to cover up and deflect blame for her childhood abuse. You believe what you want, but this is what she said to my ds .... Now that I'm off the scene, she's going to need another punchbag. Will it be your child?"

Your mother sounds similar to mine. I had the form of OCD you describe when my dds were little too. My life feels boundaried by what she says about me behind my back. I'm nc with my extended family, have been for months, years on and off, and although I miss them I know I'm mentally healthier for it. You're a good person, op. You haven't hurt anyone. Use this time and space to build yourself up - good books, therapy, protect your little household. Mindfulness can sometimes help with this sort of thing.

I agree with the others. This is just another way of keeping you in line and controlling you. You need to get to a place where it doesn't bother you. Make your children and husband your family and don't give your mother etc headspace.
As a child you had little choice but to live in their perceived reality don't make it a choice now.

OP your mother is a headfuck. This is exactly what she wanted.

Please listen to your husband, and realise that she has done this to get back at your for not dancing to her tune.

You poor love, OP. Echoes of my story here, though yours is about 100 times worse than mine. I'm sorry she has put you through that

This is active cruelty on the part of your family, and it is also intended to put you off the scent, as it were - to work old, established self-blame mechanisms in you so that you stop your journey of discovery about what your upbringing did to you. My mother too worked with the implements of blame and potential shame. My OCD was my shame and nobody would want to know me if they knew 'what I was like'. The hint of something 'shocking' is deliberate, unforgivable use of the same tactics, at a much worse level. You are the scapegoat and they are trying to load you with their sins and send you into the desert. And they are not above doing it to your poor daughter too Shame on them.

Keep yourself free of them as far as possible and hold onto and cherish the clear rational voice in you which has got your mother and siblings sussed. So much insight, in your position, is nothing short of amazing. There is a great deal of strength in you and your children are blessed to have such a mother. Don't deprive them of her.

Your DM will know exactly what she has done here - she may not know about your OCD, but she will know that this fear exists in you and it is a button she can press.

Three reasons she has done this:

1. to justify why she is nc with you. People will have been wondering why a mum and daughter are nc. This doesn't reflect well on her, she she's created a new narrative, one that paints her as the martyr / long suffering victim, and "explains" to the rest of the normal world why you are nc.

2. control/punishment. By (justifiably) going nc you took control of the situation. In her eyes this is not something you are allowed to do. In creating this narrative she regains control and punishes you.

3. like an emotional vampire, she thrives off drama. She is a nasty bully, nothing can bring her a greater buzz than knowing she is commuting the ultimate (bullying her own daughter), and getting away with it. She will be loving that she can make your life crumble with one sentence, and nobody in her circle (that she has groomed) suspects her.

As for your siblings, remember that place you were in in your 20s, when you were still in denial? Some people can't move out of that place into personal growth. Remember she has groomed them all their lives too. She may not have been abusive to them with violence or name calling, but she will have taught them to accept how she treats you (otherwise they would have told a teacher, or someone similar, as children and her buzz bubble would have been broken). This doesn't mean you can tolerate how they respond to you, but it will help you understand why they have snubbed you. It's because they've been groomed to all their life.

Lastly, I suspect you were a very strong and insightful child - she probably had to work harder to groom you, hence singling you out (and further increasing her power buzz). But this character trait in you will help you move away from the carnage she's created in your life. It's the OCD that makes you obses about these thoughts, ask for specific support to stop intrusive thoughts. And put this horrible woman (and sadly, probably, all your siblings) behind you and grow to be that amazing woman you were always meant to be!

I think your mother is likely mentally ill as well as abusive.

Her behaviour goes way beyond being a bitch.

I'm not sure why you're believing what she says after all these years, but I think you really need to work on that.

She has told your siblings a big fat lie, because she can't cope with you talking about the sexual abuse you suffered. It makes her look bad that she wasn't aware or didn't stop it at the time, as does her reaction to it now.

She's a deeply manipulative woman, she's manipulated your whole family - it's very sad, but it's not something you can do much about - as you didn't cause this. They're letting themselves be manipulated by her, refusing to see her for what she is, and choosing not to engage with who you are or how she treated you.

It's a shame they decided to side with her, but it's quite common in abusive families. Everyone fears the nutcase abuser and they just want to placate them so they don't get attacked themselves. And they've had years of brainwashing.

You need to find a way to make peace with the fact that she's told this massive lie and the effect of it. It's quite possible that after she's gone you will be able to rebuild with your siblings, but it's just as well not to have them in your life. She's continuing her abuse of you via them.

You made the right decision to cut your mother out of your life - she's too damaging, too destructive. As she's in control of your siblings too, that effectively applies to them as well.

The fact that you're not in contact with your family says nothing about you but everything about your mother.

Jesus, your mother has fucked with your head big time.

The only thing which is true from what you've written is that your mother is afraid of you. Yes she is, but not in the way you think. She's afraid that you're going to expose her for the nasty, manipulative abuser that she is to the rest of the family. You're the only one who's started to question it so you are dangerous! The rest of the stuff about you being evil, etc is not real.

She will have made something up to your siblings in order to get them to distance themselves from you. It's a shame that they've chosen her over you but that is down to them not you.

Please, stop thinking about suicide. You need to concentrate on the family you do have.....your Dh and dc. Forget your mother, she's not worth it. Ive been NC with my mother for a while now and the freedom is amazing. Great relief. Stop letting her fuck with your head. Tell yourself it's all bollocks and forget it. I feel sorry for you that you don't have the support of your siblings but if they're going to side with your mother than its for the best.

Bloody hell OP you poor thing, I just want to give you a hug and tell you that you are not the person that your Mother has made you out to be - like the others have said up above, she is a manipulative headfuck who is covering up her abusive parenting by blaming you.

She's doing it to paint you as the bad one, so she doesn't have to face up to her own actions. When I confronted my DM, she was quite responsive at first 'I see how that made you feel', 'I didn't realise that I hurt you, I'm sorry' etc etc, but within a few weeks was making comments to justify what she'd done saying I always looked happy in photos (doesn't everyone smile in photos), saying I was making it up as my DH had been abused terribly (my situation wasn't even 1% of what he'd gone through and I told her this, but I wanted her to see how her actions were hurting me).

Your DM will never admit what happened to you, and will continue making up lies and excuses to cover up and get everyone on her side.

Please believe you are not a bad person, you did not cause this, and you cannot fix her or your family. Focus on yourself and children, they'd know if you were a bad person or not! Do they enjoy your company? Do they show you love? Exactly, you're a good mum and a good person.

OP, you sound like such a thoughtful compassionate person, I can't imagine anyone less likely to have performed some dreadful deed in the past! Every single one of us thinks this is your mother's problem, she sounds deeply mentally ill/abusive and you must cut all contact with her, now and in the future. My SIL had to do this and is at peace with her decision.

Focus on your own loving family and continue with therapy. I hope you can move on from this and get to a place where it doesn't matter anymore. I have faith that you will.

This is classic isn't it. She did wrong, yet she projects it onto you.

I think it is much better if you don't we your family anymore. It's no them abandoning you either, it needs to be the other way round actually. They are harmful to you, they are not believing you and coming out on your side. They are scapegoating you and you are buying it. Stop seeing them and strengthen yourself.

All of the anxiety issues will be related to this I'd say. And when you stop being hurt by them, you can really start to get to grips with sorting all of that out.

You haven't done anything wrong and....and and and.....you haven't had a single iota of care about what actually happened to you!!!! Change the balance of your life towards those two ideas and watch change come about xxx hugs xxx

You are the family scape goat. Pointing you out as the black sheep makes them feel unified and better.

She is the master manipulator though. A really loving well adjusted mother would never treat a child like she has treated you.

It doesn't matter if you ate slowly to annoy the family (normal childhood behaviour) - SHE could have changed the rule to allow everyone to get down.

If she hid the knives at night while you were a child, she could have talked you through the decision in a loving, supportive way. But she chose not to.

Hi, I'm sure you are already aware, but you have read the famous 'Stately homes' thread on MN? And you know your mum is displaying all the classic signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Your story is just too similar to other children of narcissistic mothers for the problem to be you. Your mum has a mental health problem, and although it's really hard not to be defined by how our mums think and talk about us, she's wrong about you, I promise. You have internalised all her cruel messages about you. If you were born into a different family, you would have no concerns about yourself. You're fine, except for having a narcissistic mother.

Wait... she tried to strangle you, but you're the one everyone is afraid of? No doubt you've been through enough therapy by now to be familiar with the concept of projection. I wonder whether the shocking thing you are supposed to have done was really done, or at least contemplated, by her - possibly to you, but not by you. I doubt very much that you actually did whatever it was. (Or if you did it wasn't actually a very bad thing. If eating your food slowly as a child is that blameworthy then it wouldn't take much for a minor misdemeanour to be escalated to Crime of the Century.)

There may have been no basis at all for the knife thing other than her own anxiety. Besides, if you had been potentially dangerous as a pre-teen, that wouldn't have necessarily been "inherent evil" but a psychological problem that needed intervention, yet nothing of the sort was even tried? That's... unlikely. Ah, yes, we locked the devil child up in the attic. That's what you do, isn't it? Doctors? Why?

Basically her story doesn't add up. No wonder it has your head frazzled if you spent so many years trying to believe crazy stuff. She is a person with serious problems which she has done her best to pass down to the next generation, and you have prevented her from passing down to the one after. Hopefully some of your siblings may eventually see the light too and break out, but sadly you may not get to hear about it.

Your mother is abusive and you are showing all the classic signs of an abused person whose abuse started in childhood.
You need to go NC with your mother and family.

There is a good book just been published about this topic here on Amazon

You also need to find a good therapist who is experienced in family abuse.

Wow.

Although it doesn't feel like it, you have have been really strong. And I can't add anything to the 'scapegoat' explanations that other have given - spot on! Your family have probably realised that you are not 'buying' the family story (whatever that is) and that you see things differently in a way that challenges them and - if they accept your point of view - would make them see their part in it unfavourably. Your mother is highly invested in her version of events, and I would imagine that has got just as much to do with keeping everyone else in line as it on controlling you.

The trouble is that there is very little you can do - you could get angry with them (and give them the justification they need to label you the crazy one), or you could turn the anger on yourself (they would not understand they had played a part in hurting you - they would say that you must be an awful person who can't live with what YOU have done).

As to what you DO about it, I have no idea. Questions to ask yourself - Do you really want to know what they are saying? And do you want these people in your lives?

If there are siblings that you used to get on well with, who you believe would be strong for you if you renewed contact, there may be something to gain at the end.

OP, I am so sorry. You sound like a lovely person; ignore all their crazy-making tactics.
My husband has an appalling mother (appalling behind closed doors, but a pillar of the community etc etc). After years of abuse from her, and denial from my husband, she finally did something so heinous that he was forced to open his eyes, and he has been extremely low-contact since then. He has had to endure being sent guilt-trip messages by MIL's other children, farm manager and cleaning lady, but he is maintaining his distance.

He has suffered from irrational anxiety for years, since just after university. I have discovered that this is common amongst people who have grown up in abusive families. (I have learnt far more about dysfunctional families and narcissistic personality disorder than I ever wished to know).

I discovered his anxiety by accident, as he kept it well-hidden. Once I knew about it, he talked about it "raging" inside his head. He didn't realise it was an anxiety disorder, to him his worries were real, however irrational they seemed. We talked to a counsellor, and he has shared so much with me now, and has taken on board that his worries stem from an anxiety disorder, and his acceptance of that has burst the anxiety bubble, at least for now. He also admits that distancing himself from MIL has reduced his anxiety.

I am well aware though that he is building up to a bout of guilt and anxiety about having stood up to MIL. But we will try to deal with that. OP, look after yourself

Your strength has saved you from a massive nervous breakdown. How you have survived all the physical, mental and sexual abuse is amazing.

Unfortunately, you will never find answers from your mother. She is abusive. You are not. Do not believe a word of what she says about how they were frightened of you. Imagine your younger self, hurting from all the abuse, locked in your room. What danger were you to the family? Only in the sense that you might have told someone what was happening. That is the reason your mother has created an alter ego for you - to blame you for what happened. It is not your fault, you are not dangerous. You were the victim of dangerous adults.

I would guess two things:

1. the shocking thing your mother has told them probably is a lie about you being dangerous to your siblings to alienate you further and perhaps confuse them. Perhaps she was abusive to them too and they have a memory of being hurt and she'd rather convince them you did it. I am sorry to say this, but that is probably the angle she is taking. I doubt they believe her in their hearts.

1. Your siblings are not ready to talk to you about what happened in your childhoods. They probably have had a totally different experience; you may have had the full abuse and they suffered a minimal amount. In which case they are not ready to understand what happened to you. I would not discuss it any further with them, until a time that they ask you about what happened (this may be years to come). However, I would say that in their hearts they know it was not your fault and as time goes on and they wisen up about their mother (who is probably still abusive to them in some controlly way) they will realise in their own time what has happened and come to you.

In the meantime, just leave them all to it. There is no point discussing any of it with your mother as she is too cruel to care and will never tell you the truth. Continue with your therapy for as long as it takes to stop feeling responsible for what other people did to you and realise you are the wonderful person your dh tells you you are, not the character your mother made up for you to cover up her and others' abuse of you and your siblings. It is your mother who has destroyed your relationship with your siblings. But it will not be that way forever and time will come when they reach out to you.

You do know at some level don't you that your mother has invented and spread a huge big fat lie about you???????

There is no truth in what she has said, it's all about her!

Tell him that it is normal. There is a problem and it is ok to have it plainly on the table, out there for everyone to see. It is alright to reiterate it anyone who asks, because it does exist and it is real. Be on the lookout for them to completely deny and for our side to completely say yes it did happen. The train shall not meet. And that's how it is for so many survivors, me included. They never admitted it and I don't have the conversation with them now. I went on to live well and I believe my family have cracks that just deepened once I left. So, in conclusion, it's alright to come out with the truth, knowing they won't ever agree, and we will go on to live well and they will carry on in the old ways. We get to escape.

I share your experience of being the family scapegoat but only suffered a tiny fraction compared to you. You did nothing wrong. However no matter how loving your DH and DC are it is not enough to make up for being cast into the wilderness by your birth family. I hope you find a very skilled therapist to set you free from this belief that you are a danger to others.
A belief ingrained in you by intensive brain washing. Good Luck

You need to find a way to file this under "can't control, don't care". Easier said than done I know but you cannot let this witch ruin your life further.

Have you thought of CBT in addition to the therapy you're having to see if you can lift yourself from this negative thought loop? A way of managing these thoughts, rather than giving credit to them by investigating them?

Very best of luck to you - you have survived this abuse now to try to leave it behind you somehow.

This is so sad. I can only hope and suggest that you channel your energies and therapy into learning to detach from your birth family who are so harmful to you and accept the love and confirmation of your inherent goodness from your dh and DC.

I wish you well and for a peaceful future without any of these awful people a part of it.