WWYD? - Mother has almost driven me to suicide. Need advice again! (Bit of a ramble - sorry)

[StuckInARabbitHole]

NC but have posted before about my mother cutting me off but not about the fallout to my mental health so apologies if anyone remembers me and thinks I am repeating myself!

Had a big fallout with my mother a few years back due to confronting her about my mentally/physically abusive childhood. She told me she did her best but I was a difficult child. She used examples of me deliberately eating my dinner slowly (as a child) to annoy everyone else as they had to stay at the table as the rule was that no one could leave until everyone had finished every scrap of food on the plate, and that I was spiteful and nasty to my siblings. I asked 2 of them about this (there are 7) and they couldn't remember me ever doing anything to them. Then she shot a blinder by telling me that she used to lock away the knives because she feared that I would get up at night and murder everyone in their beds. I do have a recollection of being told this by her when I was around 12/13 because she accused me of sleepwalking around the house.

I requested my full GP medical records from childhood after she said this expecting to see some kind of psychiatric intervention listed but there was nothing. I actually requested a referral to a psychiatrist when I was about 20 (after leaving home) as I couldn't sleep at night for fear someone would break in and kill me (I also used to be terrified of this while living at home, my mother did try to kill me once by strangling me so I think I felt unsafe - understatement!). As soon as the psychiatrist started probing about my family, I stopped going as I was still in deep denial about my mother then and accepted the blame for being a difficult child, although in reality I was a straight A student and spent most of my childhood in my room.

Things were OK on the surface with my family until I started therapy and it dawned on me where my self loathing and self sabotage stemmed from and decided to confront my mother as she had started to single out my DS1 (name calling) who is extremely forward thinking and intelligent just like I was as a DC. DH had noticed some oddities within my family but knew nothing about the abuse until I admitted it to myself after witnessing my mother calling then 7 year old DS 'ugly and stupid'. She saw my DC about twice yearly at that point and I used to travel to see my siblings about the same amount of times although I went for a few years not seeing some of them.

My mother then cut me off completely after I brought up the sexual abuse I suffered (I was on a roll and couldn't shut up) and took my siblings with her (they sided with her due to 'loyalty'), as she did not want to discuss it with me as she was too old and just wanted to be left in peace apparently.

I told her she would not be having any further relationship with my DCs while she didn't want a relationship with me. This was after a 6 month period where she refused to talk to me and I had to miss 2 siblings weddings due to them not wanting me there. She has taken me at my word even though I later emailed her that I would facilitate occasional contact. Stupidly, as she didn't reply, because of the massive guilt I felt at DC asking when they would see her.

A sister sent me a text later on telling me that my mother had told the whole family something 'shocking' about me and that the family was better off without me in it. She would not elaborate further.

I should know better! but I am still obsessing over what that shocking thing is. I recently emailed my mother asking her in desperation but she did not reply.

I grew up being told that I was evil and psycho and I cannot let go of the fear that I may have done something terrible when I was a child which I can't remember. This would of course mean that I am inherently evil.

I have been in therapy for years as I suffer from OCD and am basically crippled by anxiety which has now got worse in that I had to quit my job over it. I have 'harm' OCD which means that I worry that I am a risk to my DC and that I may accidentally harm them or have a psychotic break (never had one before) while I am with them on my own. I also worry about hitting someone with my car accidentally or ramming someone with my trolley in the supermarket! etc. I have had OCD since I was a young child (hid it well as I did not know what it was) and have gone through all the manifestations from cleaning/fear of DC getting germs, to having to pray to stop bad things happening etc. The fear of harming my DC myself has been the hardest to deal with and I have to battle severe anxiety when I am alone with them.

I am working with my therapist to evidence that I am in fact a relatively decent person and my DC are safe with me but I cannot get over this 'shocking' thing that has been said about me. I do actually worry that I committed a murder or something and it was covered up - although I am aware this is my OCD talking.

No one in my family will talk to me. I don't have anyone's contact details any more (threw my address book away and have changed phones since so have no saved numbers). My mother has moved and does not want me or my adult DD to have her address and has changed her phone number. This further reinforces that my mother must be 'afraid' of me. In fact my whole family snubbed DD when she tried to contact them herself last year despite my advising her not to. She had them in her life until she was 14.

I am still so deep in fear that I am actually evil that I have thought about suicide to protect my DC from me, although rationally I know that my DC would suffer more from me not being here and what if, in the end, I discover that I'm not actually evil and this is all my mother's mind games, that would be a bloody waste and anyway I don't want to bloody well die! Running away won't work as they will think that I didn't love them enough to stay!

I truly believe I would not be here today but for my DH of 22 years who tells me that he knows exactly who I am.

I don't know what the fuck to do any more and every day is a bloody struggle. I have never committed a crime, done drugs, don't drink, there is no evidence that I am a psychopath - just what my mother has told me.

I feel like a pariah and that I must be a truly horrible person for my own family not to care whether I am alive of dead.

WWYD? Sometimes I think that I should just drive to the only sibling who's address I remember and tell them that I will not leave until they tell me what's been said. I can't carry on with this fear . Help!

Gosh, I did not expect many replies. Thank you all . Late night thinking again! I get headaches as well when the stress builds up and have a humdinger this morning!

Thank, thank, thank you for your understanding and validation. I really need it. It is not something I can unload onto anyone other than DH and my therapist in RL (made my therapist cry so feel bad about that) so I do have a need to see other peoples views on my thought processes as well.

Do read and post too on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread.

I can only echo what the other respondents have written; its not you its your mother. What you write is certainly not at all untypical of what it is like to be a scapegoat in an emotionally unhealthy dysfunctional family of origin. The OCD is a manifestation of what you went through from childhood.

I would look into finding another therapist and preferably someone who has no bias about keeping families together despite the presence of abuse or mistreatment. You do not need a therapist who cries on you; that to me suggests that she is completely out of her depth. This person clearly has no idea of the dynamics of toxic family structures like the one you have been enmeshed in.

I'm horrified to hear your therapist cried. Totally unprofessional.

Poor you. I don't think it's surprising that you're afraid of hurting your children - not because there is anything bad in you but because you were constantly afraid of your mother hurting you. So when you became a mother this is the model you had of motherhood - constant unpredictable attacks. As you are sane and loving, the only way you can imagine yourself fitting this very deeply rooted model is by going mad/a psychotic break, which is maybe why you have that fear. But actually the fact that you are afraid of that behaviour shows how far you are from it.

I think you've done amazingly well and I would put any amount of money that the only 'terrible' thing you've done is to challenge your mother.

Yseulte you might find this link worth a read.

While I wouldn't expect a therapist to be full on sobbing in a session, evidence that they are empathising with you and feeling your pain to some extent would not put me off.

OP you have had excellent advice here and I do hope it helps. Keep working with your therapist to take control of your OCD. Your DH sounds wonderful, so concentrate on him and your lovely DC and ignore your horrible batshit family of origin.

OP....your mother is a fuckwit. I'm so angry on your behalf. The best way to get back at her is to live your life the best way you can. Be the best at everything you do in every way you can. This will stick in her craw more than you constantly trying to get her to acknowledge/justify her crap parenting.

As for your siblings, fuck them as well. I'm a great believer that people will believe whatever suits them. My mother was a crap narcissistic alcoholic piss poor mother. I suffered sexual abuse from various sources due to her selfishness. She didn't own any of her bad behaviour. She died with early onset Alzheimer's, so I didn't even get closure. But nothing as severe as what you've suffered.

Please be kind to yourself. Put your energies into making your own little unit strong. This starts with you. Your in a stronger position than any of your siblings. Be there for any who wake up to her shenanigans. It will happen. Be patient. Be strong. Be the best you can.

I feel so much better today. You lot are awesome. I will re read this thread whenever the OCD starts gnawing away. There are some very wise people on this site.

to you all.

I will keep on with my current counsellor for now. She was empathising which threw me as I am not used to people extending that to me - when our DD2 died at birth not one member of my family hugged me. I refused to have a priest at the funeral and my mother went apeshit at me so I had to one (DD has a memory of my mother shouting at me, she was 4 ), she also chose the flowers without consulting me - it was all about her. I must keep remembering these things when I start to question myself!

wow.....im shocked to read that lots of people have the same mother as me!....seriously, i have little contact with mine cos 'its all about her'....my older sister is close to her but says 'i do it cos she has no one else'....well whose fault is that!...cant ever remember her telling me she loved me, was proud of me.....OP your mum has manipulated your siblings to her way of thinking, she doesnt like it because you are tougher than them and not so easy to manipulate...she sounds evil....dont even think about her, dont waste your time and energy on something you cant change

I'm also supposed to have 'done something terrible' - though no one in the family will tell me what it is

I was also accused of ruining the family with some unspeakably bad behaviour (apparently): when I asked how old I was I was told with an absolutely straight face I was 6.

Whatever it was, I don't buy it. I also don't buy that you 'made the family wait at meals by eating slowly' - that's like remembering what socks someone was wearing on Tuesday 14 March 1974. That is, it is of such little consequence, a tiny detail not woeth remembering. Whether you did or didn't eat slowly is of such little significance. You were, anyway, a child.

Your mother is extremely disordered. I would say she is on the psychopathic spectrum. Your family as a consequence is also extremely disordered and, as with such families, the psychological recourse is to find a vehicle to offload the rabid dysfunction onto - that would be 'you' and 'me' (inverted commas bcs it's nothing to do with you or me personally, just a device they use to normalise the alarming levels of dysfunction within the family).

It is your mother who has committed any crimes, over and over, not you. Her crimes, stacked up, would reach a dizzyingly tall tower. She is severely disordered, poison on a stick. Don't believe, not for one moment, a single word that comes out of her mouth. Your siblings have chosen to believe her very obviously flawed script.

I am NC with my family and it is pure joy to shed them and their poison for good. You have done remarkably well to survive this heinous woman (and her lackies, your siblings). Keep going, you will get better and stronger - the further away you get from them all. Xx

Jesus.
She's done a real number on you hasn't she?
Have you been on the stately homes thread?
Read incompetents by Susan forward?
I recommend both

Sorry that should have read toxic parents not incompetents (but if the shoe fits!!:))

God, you really have been through the mill. I am so sorry for the loss of your DD2. The behaviour of your mother at her funeral says everything anyone needs to know.

I have a similar mother. My psychoanalyst has explained to me that she is very likely to have a psychotic personality disorder. This was likely triggered by appalling abuse she suffered at the hands of her own parents.

She genuinely sees me as the enemy - she cannot distinguish reality from her own imaginary fears - this is the hall mark of psychosis.

I also suffer shocking anxiety that tips into depression if untreated, so I am now on the maximum dose of sertraline for the rest of my life. I also experienced the "rages" of anxiety in my head - like a huge clamour.

I am very lucky in that two of my siblings have sided with me and have also now cut off our parents, while the third sits on the fence. I can't imagine how much harder it would be without their support or if they were actively colluding as yours are.

You must distance yourself from them completely. You are not to blame for any of this - you have been appallingly badly abused. It is a long journey - I am only just starting to come out the other side of mine.

Can I ask - where is your father in all this?

@Dollius01, the father has either 1. Ran for the hills. 2. Is an enabler or 3. No longer alive.

OP... how are you today? Awful treatment at the death of your child. Shame on her! My therapist cried with me once. She was just so overwhelmed at my childhood. But I'm a great believer in " what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger "

My father cut and ran when I was 6. Saw him a few more times on access visits (one on my mother's wedding day when she left us with him as we were not invited) then after my mother married my stepfather a year later she moved us away without telling him where.

I met him again when I was 38 once. He informed me that he had remarried and brought up his new wife's two DCs and was organising his stepdaughter's wedding at the time. I'm afraid that the utter anger I felt towards him for leaving me with my mother and bringing up someone else's children whilst not paying a penny for his own (not that I would have benefited from it), made it impossible for me to have a relationship with him. I also did not trust him as I was brought up to believe that he was an alcoholic wife beater. I used to lay awake at night fantasising that he would 'rescue' me when I was growing up, the fucking bastard. I told him that my mother had cut me off, he was not in the least surprised but has not contacted me since. Mother used the fact that I had contacted him as the basis of my 'betrayal'.

What lovely parents. You should be congratulated on becoming the wonderful person you are. I was brought up to believe that he was an alcoholic wife beater Do you know the truth?

Rabbit your story is amongst the worst I've read on MN WRT toxic families.
I think Pocket is right, your DM is much worse than narc., psychopath / sociopath seems more relevant, based on what you've written here.
I urge you to read the links at the start of the Stately Homes thread and immerse yourself in the knowledge out there and on here about personality disorders and dysfunctional families. It will really help with your therapy too.
It's not you, it's her and you need to get the hell away and stay away in order to get some clarity on what's been going on.

rabbit, I have no advice but I just wanted to say that I am in awe of your strength to get through such adversity. Much love to you.

You are very self aware. I think you are wonderful. I know the pain of acting out the lies told to me as a child about myself, i still have low self esteem as i still believe. You can recover, carry on therapy, have you tried Psychodynamic Therapy?

for a fabulous, self aware person, .. you.