Your perspective on a re-occuring argument please.

[stepdad85]

I've posted on here once or twice asking for advise etc and I'm please to say on the whole my relationship with my partner has been much better recently.

I just want to know if people think I've been unreasonable tonight and if so how I can go about stopping this from happening again in the future.

I come home from work in a good mood, exited to spend the Halloween evening indoors with my partner. When I got home I tried to sit close to her on the settee and she moaned, saying that I was trying to fit into a space that didn't exist and that I'd make her uncomfortable, no problem I just sit on the other side near her. She's distant with me and looks upset about something, I ask if anything is wrong and she says she has a headache. I give her a cuddle to which she doesn't give back so I try to make conversation with her, she clearly couldn't be bothered to talk, gives one word answers and stares blindly into space. I got up and made us some dinner and we sat at the kitchen table to eat. Again I try to make conversation but after that fails we basically sit in silence. I ask her if she's sure everything is ok and she starts getting mad at me, says she can't be bothered with anyone right now because she's not well, states she can't even be bothered with herself. It obviously really bugs her when I ask her if she's ok.

I find it really hard not to take this personally because she cuts off all emotional contact with me when in this sort of mood. We've ended up having a big row because she states I'm being unreasonable for turning this into something about myself.

I don't want to turn this into something about myself. I'm not asking her for attention, I'm just asking for her not to distance herself from me and cut off all emotional contact. She's made me feel like I'm not normal for this behaviour and that I should understand she just can't be bothered because shes not well. Thing is she expects me to be around and be supportive of her but its hard when I feel like she'd rather I wasn't there.

I just don't know how to act when she's in this sort of mood, if I give her space she will get angry and say I'm being funny with her, if I try to talk it out that makes it even worse.

Reading this back I realize it makes me look clingy and annoying, I just don't feel like it's unreasonable to ask her not to cut me out completely. Instead of her being concerned that it makes me feel this way it makes her angry and that bothers me. If the shoe was on the other foot I'd simply reassure her that everything was ok, give her a quick kiss and tell her not to worry.

Am I at fault here?

I'm sorry but she sounds an absolute horror. Telling you to piss off? If I told my OH to piss off he would. Permanently. As I would too if he was ever that disrespectful.
Ok she was feeling unwell and felt bothered but she acted like a diva based on your account. Fuck that. You deserve better.

I remember one of your previous threads, I think, and I'm going to tell you the same things again: when she says she wants space and doesn't want to talk, she wants space and doesn't want to talk. It's not rocket science.

You said yourself you've read back through your OP and realised you sound clingy and needy. Yes, you do. If I ask a partner to back off and leave me alone cos I feel ill, I do not expect them to try to practically sit in my lap, attempt to cuddle me, and then have a moan because I'm not attending to their emotional needs.

You know it could be hormonal - twice in a cycle there is a huge surge in hormones so you can get PMT type symptoms around ovulation and then in the lead up so classic PMT.

You need to discuss this at another time completely and find out what was going on and how you could have handled it so that she would have opened up to you and been reasonable.

Op has stated that backing right off annoys his partner too.

She sounds like a piece of work to me but this is mumsnet, so instead of calling it what it is we have to seek to blame the man and look for deeper reasons behind her poor behaviour.

Because women can't just be arses.

Random, why should op work on how to handle his partner when she's a moody arse?

Would you offer that advice to a woman struggling with a moody man? Learn better how to handle him?

She sounds like a piece of work to me but this is mumsnet, so instead of calling it what it is we have to seek to blame the man and look for deeper reasons behind her poor behaviour.

Because women can't just be arses.

A very good point imo.

I think I've only seen a few posters blame the OP - most are saying that the woman is at fault.

MorrisZapp - I didn't say he should!!!

I said he should ask

"how you could have handled it so that she would have opened up to you and been reasonable."

What she says as a result of that discussion will tell him volumes IMHO.

I suspect she will tell him that he should have done xyz - ie something he has previously tried with the same bad result. In which case I'd actually be issuing an ultimatum to her about how unreasonable she is being and that he deserves to be treated better.

Thanks everyone. After writing on here last night I went downstairs with the intention of just dropping it but she had left the house. When she come back home I asked where she had been and she said "out". She was so upset at me and angry. She believes I'm being manipulative that there was nothing wrong with her aside from a bad head and that I caused the whole thing by trying to make her feel guilty about it. She said it's my insecurity that is causing me to take it personally when I shouldn't. She said I was the one in a bad mood. She's so adimant about it I've sat up most the night trying to understand how I've appeared that way to her. In my head she was in a foul mood because of the headache and trying to help.

I will take people's advice on here and once she's calmed down ask how I could have handled the situation better. I guess she will say "just be normal with me and don't make me feel bad about it". I think we may both be at fault to be honest, I don't think she realizes how it appears when she's feeling this way and I don't realize how I'm acting once this atmosphere is here. I probably do mope around a bit and I'm not doing it to manipulate her and make her feel bad, I'm doing it because my feelings are hurt by the way she's acting.

Is she someone who likes space, so if she is feeling under the weather or in a mood (for whatever reason) she just wants to be left alone? Some people do just need lots of down time on their own to recharge.

If that is the case then she needs to learn to tell you this in a pleasant way "I need some time alone I want to x y z" and you need to not take that personally. However she also needs to hear that sometimes you will be very disappointed that she imposes her right for "me" time on an infrequent opportunity to have couple time that you were really looking forward to.

I suppose would she treat a friend like she is treating you or would she be far kinder about cancelling an arrangement and far less judgemental about your reaction to being disappointed?

She sounds emotionally abusive to be honest. It sounds to me like you can't do anything right, you're walking on eggshells, and she blames you for everything. At first I thought she might be depressed but based on your latest update I don't think that's it.

I do think that if someone's in a bad mood and doesn't want to talk about it, you should give them some space. But if she's often in a bad mood and doesn't want to talk, it's not fair on you is it?

I'm assuming this relationship is only a few years old, it sounds like hard work tbh?

How often do you have arguments over this sort of moodiness from her?

We have talked about her moods in the past and to be fair to her she's made a real effort in that department. I do worry that she's being emotionally abusive and instead of admitting her actions are causing me to feel and act a certain way she's bassicly saying that my feelings and actions aren't warranted. It's a right mess because I'm not really sure in my head who's at fault. I know in the past I've had ex girlfriends tell me I'm manipulative when I don't get my own way with attention, so I'm fully aware this could somehow be my doing. I just don't want to apologise because if I wasn't in the wrong that's going to show her she can treat me like this then I'll come crawling back afterwards.

I think the problem is stemming from you not checking in with her what she wants and needs. She then reacts badly.

You came in wanting a nice cuddly night, but she had a headache. If you had chatted a bit beforehand and asked 'how was your day, you look a bit in pain, are you ok?' you would have found this out and then not plonked yourself almost on top of her or tried to cuddle her, both of which would really annoy me too if I had a bad headache.

You also could have asked 'do you want to watch a film or have some time on your own' and sorted out how ill she was and what she felt like doing.

It's a poor communication issue here.

I don't think you are completely to blame, it sounds like your partner then kicked off in an unhelpful way rather than calming the whole thing down and resetting the mood.

If you are getting on better lately, that's a good thing and I would try not to dwell on this one time too much, these things happen.

These moods used to be weekly. It's down to once a month on average now but on the whole it's been much better up until last night. In the past she has definitely took her stress and moods out on me then blamed me for getting upset about it. Last night I felt like that was happening again but she's adimant that wasn't the case.

Thanks @hpsauciness I think that's some good advice.

She blames you for getting upset, she says your feelings aren't valid, she doesn't apologise or admits being in the wrong, she denies things even happened.

Anything else from this list?
Signs of emotional abuse

I think I'm not seeing what other posters are seeing because I'd be the one with the headache here. Only (with luck) the convo would have gone like this:

'What's up?'
'Headache.'
'Ah. Want a paracetamol or have you had one already?'

I can see a milder version of this behaviour sometimes in both myself and DP. What I find works for me (in either role) is to ask the other person what they want. Don't assume she wants to be left alone or not. Ask!

'You seem kinda down, I don't want to get in your way and annoy you but I also don't want to disappear if you'd like some company so I'll make a tea, you have a think about what you'd like, and tell me when I'm back with the brew' type thing.

But to be fair if I'm being irrationally moody etc I will always try to tell DP that I am in a grump for whatever/no reason and I'm sorry if I'm being a selfish arse but I'd really appreciate it if he could give me some silence/crap tv time / leave me alone in the bath etc.

I find the answer to most things is to talk about it and tell my partner how I'd like him to react. I drive him up the wall by talking too much apparently!

I agree with Emma, It's emotional abuse.
She was in a mood, she snapped your head off, she went grumpy, she left the house, she wouldn't tell you where she went, she wouldn't talk, etc then turned it round and made you doubt yourself?
Sure sounds like EA to me.

If it'd been a man doing these things to a woman I'd probablt be saying LTB so that advice stays the same.

I actually wonder how many other arguments are like this though OP? She over reacts but some how its your fault?
She's had a bad day and is moody but its your fault for asking how she is?
It's your fault because you've not washed up? It's your fault because you said you'd do something and you haven't, even though you don't recall saying you would? Etc

I'm often blamed for things yes. I know I'm not perfect tho and I know I'm quite high maintenance emotionally. We've argued again today because she's in a foul mood now, doesn't want me anywhere near her. She says she's so upset because I just can't see how horrible I was last night and it worrys her. I've ended up saying how was i so horrible, how did I deserve you swearing at me and leaving the house. she's pretty much tearing her hair out with frustration, saying "how can't you see it" etc. In my heart of hearts I know I didn't handle things well last night, I did keep pestering her and I probably was mopping around feeling sorry for myself. I understand that must be annoying because she felt unwell and wanted support, I get that. I don't think it was right of her to do what she did tho and I certainly don't think it's right for her now telling me it's all my fault she behaved in the way she did. I'm going out for the day now, we can't be around each other because it won't end well.

I find the answer to most things is to talk about it and tell my partner how I'd like him to react.

Telling people how to react? That is a bit controlling tbh.

She says she's so upset because I just can't see how horrible I was last night and it worrys her

This almost sounds as though she's emotionally bullying you until you concede and see what she wants you to see?

I may be wrong though but isn't that the sign of a manipulator?

It doesn't feel controlling how I'm meaning it in my head shut - I mean if in feeling crappy then I'll tell DP I want silence/space/sympathy/hugs etc and obv it is up to him what he chooses to deliver. I think once he did reply 'well I can't give you xx today because I feel yy' and that was fine- we communicated and explained ourselves and both felt understood even if I didn't get the whatever I needed.

I suppose in my head there is a difference in assertively telling him how I'd like him to act vs telling him how he must act. Does that make sense?

I don't see a healthy alternative if I'm feeling in need of something and DP is unable to read my mind and provide it- what would you recommend? Asking him to react a certain way feels less assertive than telling him how I'd like him to act, though I admit it's a very thin line sometimes.

You've really got me thinking about this now! If I ask him to act a certain way and he says no then the conversation is over and I feel unfulfilled. Whereas if I tell him what I want and he says he can't/won't provide it then at least I feel heard.