Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you actually go about breaking up with your DP?

51 replies

rainydaygrey · 31/10/2015 20:49

And what happens next?

DP and I are not married. We have 2 small children. I am the sole breadwinner.

I feel like he takes me for granted. He is so grumpy. I do most of the housework, shopping, washing etc. I'm fed up. We live in rented accommodation and are both on the lease of our council flat. He has no paid employment and no prospects. Where do we go from here? I can't afford to move out and neither can he, but I feel trapped.

OP posts:
Justbatteringon · 31/10/2015 20:55

Tell him to move out if he has no where to go tell him tofind out if there's a local homeless shelter.

Original poster
rainydaygrey · 31/10/2015 20:56

But what if he insists on taking our children?I really don't think I could live without them.

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 31/10/2015 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arfarfanarf · 31/10/2015 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LockedBox · 31/10/2015 21:00

Well, in my case I was married with two small children. I was the breadwinner inasmuch as I paid all the bills and mortgage. I told him to leave and he did. I don't think he believed I meant it as we'd been there many times before and he 'lived in his car' for a little while.

He was no longer my problem though. That sounds harsh but I had to concentrate on my children as we'd been such a dysfunctional family for such all of their lives (I still feel guilty about that now and they are teenagers now)

It was the best thing I ever did for my children and for myself.

Justbatteringon · 31/10/2015 21:00

Where is he going to take them?

LockedBox · 31/10/2015 21:00

X posted.

Is he the primary caregiver?

Original poster
rainydaygrey · 31/10/2015 21:20

LockedBox I think he is, legally? He takes them to school 90% of the time. I work from home so I'm always around but he is on his laptop while looking after them.

He might take them to his parents' I guess. Or simply refuse to leave (my parents live abroad so I don't have that option).

DC2 is set to start school next year and it is becoming increasingly obvious that DP has no intention of earning money then. We are struggling and I feel a tremendous amount of pressure as the sole breadwinner, especially when the house is a shit tip and nothing ever really gets done. Last night was the final straw and I ended up going to sleep on the couch. I think I'll be here again tonight.

I'm lonely. And I'm so scared at the prospect of losing my darling children, all because I wanted to do the right thing for our little family by supporting us. I can't help feeling like I've made a big mistake there.

It's not the earning money that's the problem for me. It's having to do every other bloody thing too. I could cry. DP says he loves me but if he did, he'd fucking do the dishes every once in a while you'd think.

OP posts:
SomeonesRealName · 31/10/2015 21:24

As a pp has said if he can't be bothered to wash up once in a while there's no way he'll want to take on the work of looking after two small children. I think you're worrying over nothing there. Ask him to leave.

RedMapleLeaf · 31/10/2015 21:37

And I'm so scared at the prospect of losing my darling children

Why don't you get some legal advice, allay your fears?

Original poster
rainydaygrey · 31/10/2015 21:39

I think I will need to Red. It's only just come to this over the weekend.

It could have been so different. But I am tired of having the same arguments over and over again. Being taken for granted. He won't listen and he won't change.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 31/10/2015 21:45

Remember, it's a marathon not a sprint. You have the luxury of working to your own time frame, you are not in any danger and you presumably have independent financial security. Take care of yourself and don't let your brain run away with catastrophising.

LockedBox · 31/10/2015 21:49

Him taking them to school does not the primary caregiver make.

Ok, so you can get some legal advice as Red says. Lots of places do a free half an hour so you can see where the land lies.

Would counselling be an option do you think? As long as he's not abusive then it's something to think about. He sounds like a cocklodger though and there's only one answer for those...and I'm afraid it's the oft repeated refrain of LTB.

Original poster
rainydaygrey · 01/11/2015 18:44

Ugh he's just started effing and blinding about something upstairs.

I have no idea why he's like this. He basically has everything handed to him on a plate, yet he has to make life unpleasant for everyone else. Always in a bad mood.

We tried counselling. The counsellor focused on us having more sex and that was our "homework".

That was horrible. Eventually I refused to go back.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainydaygrey · 01/11/2015 18:45

I have slept on the couch for the past 2 nights and this looks like being the 3rd.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 01/11/2015 19:01

I'd ask him to leave. If he doesn't work and doesn't have anywhere to take the dcs, he can't take them from their home. Tell him you want to break up, you don't want him living there anymore and won't be paying for his life anymore. What can he say? He hasn't got a leg to stand on if he doesn't work or contribute to the household, surely.

Original poster
rainydaygrey · 01/11/2015 19:16

He's now just sitting in the same room as me like nothing's happened Sad

OP posts:
donajimena · 01/11/2015 19:38

Oh god he has to go! I live to sit in the same room as my OH (not really but you get my point)
He isn't your responsibility.
Its so hard but you need to ask him to leave. His reaction will tell you your next moves.

Original poster
rainydaygrey · 01/11/2015 19:41

He just went upstairs and asked me if I wanted him to turn the lights out!

Adapted pretty quickly to me sleeping on the couch apparently.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainydaygrey · 01/11/2015 19:42

I'm such a mug.

OP posts:
Supermanspants · 01/11/2015 19:43

He is also on the lease of your house so you can't just chuck him out because he is being moody. I'm not trying to minimise your feelings here but I think you will have a job on your hands doing that

Just Really? The local homeless shelter? Hmm

Original poster
rainydaygrey · 02/11/2015 10:54

Well, I didn't ask how I could throw him out. I asked what one does when one can't afford to move out.

I'm such a mug. I live in a shithole, try to work hard to keep a roof over our heads, everyone else just does what they like.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainydaygrey · 02/11/2015 10:55

I just don't see any way out. I can't take the kids (illegal), but I can't abandon them with no means of support FFS. I am sleeping on the couch in my own home. I have nothing.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 02/11/2015 10:58

Talk to the council about taking him off the lease. Since you're paying all the bills and he's not contributing, it makes sense for you to stay (with the children obviously) and him to leave.

Get legal advice from CAB and/or a solicitor (free half hour) about contact arrangements for the children. Ideally you would come to an agreement yourselves, if not you should try mediation, and if that fails you would need to go to court. Whatever happens it doesn't hurt to get some initial advice about where you stand.

NomNomDePlum · 02/11/2015 10:59

perhaps you need some legal advice.