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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you actually go about breaking up with your DP?

51 replies

rainydaygrey · 31/10/2015 20:49

And what happens next?

DP and I are not married. We have 2 small children. I am the sole breadwinner.

I feel like he takes me for granted. He is so grumpy. I do most of the housework, shopping, washing etc. I'm fed up. We live in rented accommodation and are both on the lease of our council flat. He has no paid employment and no prospects. Where do we go from here? I can't afford to move out and neither can he, but I feel trapped.

OP posts:
MumOnTheRunAgain · 02/11/2015 11:00

Is there any domestic abuse going on?

NameChange30 · 02/11/2015 11:02

Also, why the fuck are you sleeping on the sofa while he sleeps in the bedroom?! You're the one paying for everything. He wouldn't have a bed (or sofa) to sleep on if it wasn't for you! If you don't have the balls to tell him to move out, you can at least tell him to sleep on the sofa.

NameChange30 · 02/11/2015 11:05

"he has to make life unpleasant for everyone else. Always in a bad mood."
Could you have a look at these signs of emotional abuse and let us know if any of them ring true?

In any case, abusive or not, he is a cocklodger and you need to get rid.

SlightF0x · 02/11/2015 11:10

Can you talk to your work? I think you need to solidify your position as primary carer a bit before you ''make your move''.

I would save, even though you're struggling. Line up your ducks before moving. He sounds an arse..

SlightF0x · 02/11/2015 11:12

I agree with AnotherEmma. Talk to the council about the lease. Just act normal, and do a lot of behind the scenes research.

There is no point challenging him about taking the bed while You have the sofa. NO point at all so don't worry about that. Worry about the research and the planning your'e doing to shore up your future.

So you do everything, and he's still grumpy!? Nightmare.

BertieBotts · 02/11/2015 11:14

Why is it illegal for you to take the DC? They are your children. It would make more sense for him to leave, but if he refuses and you have the option to get out, you can leave with them any time you like. (So could he, for that matter.)

I would say that this falls under emotional and possibly verbal abuse if that helps with anything at all.

Original poster
rainydaygrey · 02/11/2015 11:14

There is definitely no physical abuse and IMO there's no EA either, just fucking bone idleness IYSWIM.

Perhaps he's depressed, I don't know. But he just won't make any sort of effort and it's doing my head in.

I don't know what his problem is, truly. He could do anything. But he just doesn't want to.

OP posts:
SlightF0x · 02/11/2015 11:14

I can't believe that some crappy micky mouse counsellor told you to have more sex with this guy. argh, counselling is hit and miss.

NameChange30 · 02/11/2015 11:17

OK, so if there's no abuse, why are you being such a walkover? Tell him to sleep on the sofa. Tell him to move out.

Original poster
rainydaygrey · 02/11/2015 11:17

He said last night that he might consider going to his parents' for a few days. They live an hour or so away.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainydaygrey · 02/11/2015 11:20

I know slight. It really did my head in. Get this: I was told to think about how hard it must be for him not having a job. He has 2 full days a week to do whatever he fucking wants when the children are at the childminder's. But this is very difficult apparently and we should all be sympathetic.

I refused to go back in the end. I Thought I must be losing the plot because I simply can't see it that way.

OP posts:
highlighta · 02/11/2015 11:20

So you are the only one in the house working, and earning money and he sits about on his laptop all day and cant even lift a finger to do some housework or cooking etc in that time.

And on top of that you are sleeping on the couch and working the next day.

You said his parents are nearby. I think you need to have the discussion about moving out - and he can go and stay with them.

Original poster
rainydaygrey · 02/11/2015 11:21

We could have had such a nice life together.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 02/11/2015 11:21

Yeah, if he hadn't been a lazy, selfish cocklodger.

highlighta · 02/11/2015 11:23

Yes but it takes two to make a relationship work Rainy....

Original poster
rainydaygrey · 02/11/2015 11:24

Fair's fair, he often does the cooking. He waits until it gets late and asks me if I've thought of anything for dinner. If not, he will spend a long time making something and will make a huge mess, never to be cleaned up. If he cooks, the children are invariably late to bed because it takes so long.

OP posts:
SlightF0x · 02/11/2015 11:28

highlighta Why push water uphill though? (''making'' it work). WHY? Nobody HAS to be in a relationship. STupid thing to say.

op I agree with the poster who said that this could be a marathon not a sprint. If I were you, I'd prioritise being the primary carer. For now. Workat night?. Talk to women's aid about advice ending a relationship.

Original poster
rainydaygrey · 02/11/2015 11:30

I think highlighta was just trying to say that it's not 100% my responsibility; that there are 2 people in a relationship Smile

OP posts:
highlighta · 02/11/2015 11:31

So he does is begrudgingly... Hmm

Suggest that his trip to his parents is a great idea. Then when you have a few days alone you can think it through more with a clearer head and you will get to sleep in your own bed

highlighta · 02/11/2015 11:34

Slight odfod

OP knows what I mean as I was replying to her We could have had such a nice life together comment.....

Original poster
rainydaygrey · 02/11/2015 11:38

We really could have done you know. We have such lovely children and a nice, cosy house in a great area. His family adore the children and are very involved. I've arranged some lovely holidays and surprises/days out for us.
All I really wanted was a bit of support.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 02/11/2015 11:38

No need to fight SlightF0x and highlighta

SlightF0x · 02/11/2015 11:55
Shock

I'm not "fighting!.

I don't think we need a referee. I always counter any advice to try, or try again, or try harder with the reminder that there is way too much pressure on women to stay in bad relationships.

Justbatteringon · 03/11/2015 21:18

Yes superman the homeless shelter. If she tells him to leave and he has no where else to live and no means to support his own home then he will technically be "homeless".
How's it going rainyday has he left for his parents yet?

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 03/11/2015 21:45

If he goes to his parents and the OP goes to the council and tells them that he has left and that she wants to take over the tenancy, would that work?

I dont know what the rules are and I suspect that my idea may be too simple to work in bureaucracy.