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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has me an anxious, nervous wreck.

29 replies

needhelpandadvice · 31/10/2015 14:57

Im not sure how to link my other thread but backround is my H and I are at the separation point.

He has managed to get a flat and signs for it next week.

He said he is leaving me as im too involved with my work. My work involves helping people less fortunate and I really enjoy it. Once every 6 - 8 weeks they have a social event to raise funds which I also usually will attend to show my support, but also because I enjoy it.

He has said he cant understand why im so involved and why I would go there when I could be home with him. He said I have made him feel lonely and unwanted. He also said the sex has gone down hill and at times he has had to want himself to get ready for sex. That really hurt me to the core.

So now im questioning is it me, maybe this whole mess is my fault.

Last night he smoked 3 joints and had 3 lagers and started again about the things I am doing to him. He doesn't shout or ever get violent but he has a certain tone that scares me if im honest. I have realised I am very anxious and actually a nervous wreck, I second guess everything and have been looking back to see my faults.

I cant believe he is speaking to me so horribly? I feel tormented. I want to cry but I just cant break down.

There is supposed to be an event tonight I was due to go to for approx. 2 hours but im actually scared to let myself enjoy it for the gulit.

What more can I do?

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 31/10/2015 15:04

There's no such thing as being "too involved" with your work if all it entails is going somewhere on your own every 6 to 8 weeks. What are you, his babysitter? What a pillock!

Let him go. Do what you want, when you want. Be happy.

PrincessHairyMclary · 31/10/2015 15:05

What guilt? You are out fundraising whilst he's doing drugs and getting drunk.

I think you've had a lucky escape if he is moving out.

Go out, enjoy your evening and perhaps meet someone who appreciates you for you and supports you with the things that are important to you.

ImperialBlether · 31/10/2015 15:06

Oh it's FANTASTIC that he's leaving! Take no notice of what he says - he's not worth it. Go out tonight and start to plan the rest of your life without this loser.

Original poster
needhelpandadvice · 31/10/2015 15:09

Thanks, but its not a night out, its just with people who I help, they do things to fun raise for things like Xmas dinner as a group etc.

He has just made me feel so guilty, he knows I am very weak and a worrier.

Last night he told me everything when he leaves will be sorted, (finances) etc in 28 days, but he said it in a way where he spoke very slowly and with breaks in between the words, it just puts me on edge.

OP posts:
bunique · 31/10/2015 15:13

Go out. Have as little to do with him as possible until he moves out. Look forward to the rest of your life. Do you have DCs?

tallwivglasses · 31/10/2015 15:17

He's purposely trying to intimidate you. You don't have to sit down and listen to him you know. Go out and enjoy yourself. It's over and I hope you're relieved. Leave him to his spliff and booze. If it's that important tell him to put it in an email. What a loser

PrincessHairyMclary · 31/10/2015 15:42

As for the finances, don't leave it to him. Take charge, find out the details for utilities etc if you don't always deal with them. Take half or empty any joint accounts. If you have DC and are a low earner apply for Tax credits a aNd council tax reductions. These things can take a while to come through.

BitOutOfPractice · 31/10/2015 15:44

Need you don't sound weak to me. At all.

He, on the other hand, sounds like an abusve wanker with very very low self esteem. He is worried that when he goes, your like will continue, no, it'll get better. While he will have nothing. Because he's a pathetic twat.

ry and remember thatwhen he's doing his big dramatic speech next time Thanks

Enoughalreadyyou · 31/10/2015 16:08

Sounds to me that his reasons are empty waffle. If it wasn't that it would be something else. It's just an excuse to get at you so that he leave without the guilt. Are you sure there is no one else involved? He's messing with your head. Best rid.

Original poster
needhelpandadvice · 31/10/2015 16:11

No defiantley no one else, but he just will not accept he is too blame also with the drink and drugs, oh that's because I drive him to that as well! It is so much easier to blame me for everything, the man is nearly 50 and acting like such a child!

We have 1 DC and I deal with all finances so god knows what he thinks he will be sorting out.

OP posts:
Lweji · 31/10/2015 16:18

Do you think he really is going?

Then, I'd just stay low until then and be thankful when he does.

He seems to be on a self destruct path with drugs and alcohol.

But I'd make sure he is leaving indeed. It could be just to see if you ask him to stay.

Ponytailandquiff · 31/10/2015 16:27

Yes I was going to say maybe he's not actually going. He could be calling your bluff to scare you into submissiveness. If he is leaving, thank god for that. How free you will be. You will be able to live your life without fear. He sounds awful.

SoDiana · 31/10/2015 16:34

Op. This is trotted out where there is no need for it but
I feel your ex may be a threat to your life.
Can you get to somewhere safe?
IF you can't and feel this would be over dramatic, could you get somewhere safe if worst came to worst?
Keep your phone charged and hidden on your person
Sorry to be so dramatic but its like a tornado siren is going off having read your post

AnyFucker · 31/10/2015 16:38

He isn't going anywhere

Unfortunately

ElleAndAitch · 31/10/2015 16:39

Fucking cannabis at his age. Mind-altering bore-making bullshit.

I hope you find peace without this imbecile very soon, OP. Best wishes for your career, too Thanks

Original poster
needhelpandadvice · 31/10/2015 16:46

If he doesn't go we will have to, this man, who I thought I would with for life has had me questioning my own sanity.

OP posts:
ReggaeShark · 31/10/2015 16:48

So Diana, what makes you say this? Seems very extreme, given what the OP has said. (Unless you have read something on her earlier thread to lead you to this conclusion.)

gamerchick · 31/10/2015 16:52

Get yourself out tonight and try to put the whole thing out of your head for a couple of hours.

Where's your child atm?

SoDiana · 31/10/2015 16:57

Reggae. I can't explain. I just know.
I am aware how ridiculous that sounds.

Lweji · 31/10/2015 17:06

I think I get it

I didn't like the "trotted out", because it makes it look like you're the only one who can assess risk.

But a low level threatening speech that has left OP on edge is worrying. More than screams and even some physical violence.

I don't think you are necessarily at risk of your life, but determination comes through rather than anger. Both can be very risky.
For what is worth, when I left home, with DS in tow and nothing more than my hand bag it was after a direct threat done in the same way. But there was a threat there.

From this particular post I'd probably be more worried that he might be thinking of taking his life, but who knows?

Anniegetyourgun · 31/10/2015 17:08

He knows what to say that will hurt you, so he said it. It doesn't mean a single word is true. Some people are like that, wanting to hurt others, wanting to spoil any fun that doesn't have them at the centre of it. You did not make any of them like it - how could you?

Anyway, you are now giving him the gift of freedom so he doesn't have to be with you any more. You'd think he'd be delighted instead of lashing out, given that you're such a terrible person Hmm

ps It's not you, it's him. Promise.

SoDiana · 31/10/2015 17:13

It's the jealousy over work. The sinister voice. I hope op listens to mydrama llama voice. That coupled with stats...
And an instinct.

AnyFucker · 31/10/2015 17:36

Two women a week

Phoenix69 · 31/10/2015 17:56

It's not you it's him
He is blaming you for his own failings.
He needs to man up and sort himself out and not rely upon others to sort him out.
Best rid of him. Look after yourself

stargirl04 · 31/10/2015 19:33

Never underestimate what they are capable of and do not take any chances with your life.