why does DH not realise I'm not going to want sex if he behaves like an arse

[AshleyWilkes]

DH and I have been married for 9 years, love each other v much. 75% of the time had a good sex life, loving and passionate.

The rest of the time its difficult, mainly because I suffer with depression and that affects my libido, also because he can be a complete arse at times, eg.losing his temper, calls me names when we argue.
He can be so kind and caring, and I can't say he's a bad husband because he's not, he works 45 hours a week in a physically demanding job to support us. Tells me he loves me every day and listens when I need to cry/rant.
Its his TEMPER that is the problem (he had an abusive childhood but that's another issue).

He complains a fair bit about petty stuff (dishes still in the sink, no milk in the fridge) and has got a bit of a short fuse. He'll shout and swear at me if I speak rudely to him eg.tell him to shut up. Promises me he'll work on it but then just does it again.
The names he calls me are like "bitch" "moron" "twat." I feel really bad and angry when this happens. He always apologises afterwards.

Pressures me for sex (a lot lately) and then if it doesn't happen he sulks. Eg. "I thought we were going to make love tonight" with a sulky tone. Or the old classic; "I don't think you fancy me anymore..." Sulky tone.
Huge turn off in my opinion!

Maybe I need to just get over the fact that he can be an arse and focus on the lovely man he can be most of the time?

Doreen was simply saying that it was not an excuse for bad behaviour.

I then suggested that this is what the OPs OH sounds like he's doing, so I don't see what your commented was adding tbh

Well - I didn't realise you were the forum police. Get you and your new badge.

Did you suffer from depression before getting together with him?

What I want is to (partly) vent and also to get some perspective from other women, I've been in a relationship with this man for 11 years, he can be intense (he's insecure and angry a lot, due to his alcoholic dad kicking the shit out of him, throwing bottles at his head, and telling him he was worthless for his entire childhood ) but most of the time he's kind and loving. I am his world. Yes he has anger issues and I knew that when I married him. My heart breaks when I think of his childhood and I bloody HATE my FIL for what he's done.
I don't know. I have depression myself and sometimes I just feel so alone and unhappy.

Yes I suffered with depression before I met him.

What kind of anger issues does he have?

Has he sought help for them?

Also, don't blame it on his dad.

Loads of people have been abused but don't go on to be abusers. He is choosing how to behave.

I'll also point out that nobody is 100% good or bad. I'm sure he can be lovely, as my ex did too. But, think, how bad are the bad times? Is it something you can live with, or not?

A bad childhood isn't an excuse to then go and be verbally abusive to other people. My dad had an abusive childhood, he never even raised his voice at me, let alone call me names or swear at me. Nearly everyone has gone through horrible things in their past, it doesn't mean it's okay to take that out on others.

If his childhood was so bad, why hasn't he gone for counselling? If he has some issues to get over, that's fine, but he needs to deal with them, not take them out on other people.

He is in counselling now.

How long has he been? It sounds like an ongoing problem, so why now?

The names he calls me are like "bitch" "moron" "twat."
There is absolutely no place for name calling in an adult relationship. None, no way, ever, ever, ever!!!

And pressuring for sex is shitty behaviour.

It shows a complete lack of respect for you and a person who does not feel respected, will lose all attraction for the other person. You will get to the point where you never want to have sex with him.

Apologies for name calling are meaningless if the name calling continues.

You are both compatible, in a terrible way: your husband is telling you things about yourself that echo what your depression is telling you, so that makes it easier for you to accept them. And as a person with MH issues of your own, you have an instinct to be understanding of his issues.

But this is not healthy, and not good for you.

You know that "intense" and "angry" are HUGE red flags, don't you? That we all have insecurities, but that none of us has the right to take these out on other people?

Sad as your husband's past may be, his baggage is his own to carry - not to throw around at those closest to him. That's what being a grown-up is: being responsible for our own shit.

You really don't deserve to be treated like this. And he does have a choice how he treats you.

I have NEVER been called a bitch, moron, or twat by a partner - and I'm certainly not meaning "aren't I lucky?"; it's the way it SHOULD be, anything less is just unacceptable. The End.

yes i told my ex pouting/behaving like a child is not attractive im NOT attracted to children

he is most definitely my EX now

I can't understand why anyone would put up with this. Sounds utterly awful