why does DH not realise I'm not going to want sex if he behaves like an arse

[AshleyWilkes]

DH and I have been married for 9 years, love each other v much. 75% of the time had a good sex life, loving and passionate.

The rest of the time its difficult, mainly because I suffer with depression and that affects my libido, also because he can be a complete arse at times, eg.losing his temper, calls me names when we argue.
He can be so kind and caring, and I can't say he's a bad husband because he's not, he works 45 hours a week in a physically demanding job to support us. Tells me he loves me every day and listens when I need to cry/rant.
Its his TEMPER that is the problem (he had an abusive childhood but that's another issue).

He complains a fair bit about petty stuff (dishes still in the sink, no milk in the fridge) and has got a bit of a short fuse. He'll shout and swear at me if I speak rudely to him eg.tell him to shut up. Promises me he'll work on it but then just does it again.
The names he calls me are like "bitch" "moron" "twat." I feel really bad and angry when this happens. He always apologises afterwards.

Pressures me for sex (a lot lately) and then if it doesn't happen he sulks. Eg. "I thought we were going to make love tonight" with a sulky tone. Or the old classic; "I don't think you fancy me anymore..." Sulky tone.
Huge turn off in my opinion!

Maybe I need to just get over the fact that he can be an arse and focus on the lovely man he can be most of the time?

[zas1]

I can't understand why anyone would put up with this. Sounds utterly awful

[waitingforcalpoltowork]

yes i told my ex pouting/behaving like a child is not attractive im NOT attracted to children

he is most definitely my EX now

[Suddenlyseymour]

I have NEVER been called a bitch, moron, or twat by a partner - and I'm certainly not meaning "aren't I lucky?"; it's the way it SHOULD be, anything less is just unacceptable. The End.

[RiceCrispieTreats]

You are both compatible, in a terrible way: your husband is telling you things about yourself that echo what your depression is telling you, so that makes it easier for you to accept them. And as a person with MH issues of your own, you have an instinct to be understanding of his issues.

But this is not healthy, and not good for you.

You know that "intense" and "angry" are HUGE red flags, don't you? That we all have insecurities, but that none of us has the right to take these out on other people?

Sad as your husband's past may be, his baggage is his own to carry - not to throw around at those closest to him. That's what being a grown-up is: being responsible for our own shit.

You really don't deserve to be treated like this. And he does have a choice how he treats you.

[OddlyLogical]

The names he calls me are like "bitch" "moron" "twat."
There is absolutely no place for name calling in an adult relationship. None, no way, ever, ever, ever!!!

And pressuring for sex is shitty behaviour.

It shows a complete lack of respect for you and a person who does not feel respected, will lose all attraction for the other person. You will get to the point where you never want to have sex with him.

Apologies for name calling are meaningless if the name calling continues.

[Lweji]

How long has he been? It sounds like an ongoing problem, so why now?

[AshleyWilkes]

He is in counselling now.

[TheBunnyOfDoom]

A bad childhood isn't an excuse to then go and be verbally abusive to other people. My dad had an abusive childhood, he never even raised his voice at me, let alone call me names or swear at me. Nearly everyone has gone through horrible things in their past, it doesn't mean it's okay to take that out on others.

If his childhood was so bad, why hasn't he gone for counselling? If he has some issues to get over, that's fine, but he needs to deal with them, not take them out on other people.

[Lweji]

Also, don't blame it on his dad.

Loads of people have been abused but don't go on to be abusers. He is choosing how to behave.

I'll also point out that nobody is 100% good or bad. I'm sure he can be lovely, as my ex did too. But, think, how bad are the bad times? Is it something you can live with, or not?

[Lweji]

What kind of anger issues does he have?

Has he sought help for them?

[AshleyWilkes]

Yes I suffered with depression before I met him.

[AshleyWilkes]

What I want is to (partly) vent and also to get some perspective from other women, I've been in a relationship with this man for 11 years, he can be intense (he's insecure and angry a lot, due to his alcoholic dad kicking the shit out of him, throwing bottles at his head, and telling him he was worthless for his entire childhood ) but most of the time he's kind and loving. I am his world. Yes he has anger issues and I knew that when I married him. My heart breaks when I think of his childhood and I bloody HATE my FIL for what he's done.
I don't know. I have depression myself and sometimes I just feel so alone and unhappy.

[Lweji]

Did you suffer from depression before getting together with him?

[DoreenLethal]

I then suggested that this is what the OPs OH sounds like he's doing, so I don't see what your commented was adding tbh

Well - I didn't realise you were the forum police. Get you and your new badge.

[ImperialBlether]

Doreen was simply saying that it was not an excuse for bad behaviour.

[Seeyounearertime]

And?

Which is exactly what I thought at your comment, followed by,
"What that got to do with anything?"

Lots of people come home tired, some handle it, as I did by having a bath, others don't, and they go grumpy and take out frustrations on those around them. I then suggested that this is what the OPs OH sounds like he's doing, so I don't see what your commented was adding tbh?

[DoreenLethal]

Loads of us aren't serial killers but some still are

And?

[RiceCrispieTreats]

What do you want from this thread, OP? Just to vent?

Because I don't think anyone reading this can just nod their heads along with you and go "Men, eh? Ah well, what can you do."

None of us would want to be with such a man. I wonder why you believe this is all that you deserve. Do you know?

[Seeyounearertime]

Loads of us work hard and we are not verbally abusive to our partners.

Loads of us aren't serial killers but some still are.

[DoreenLethal]

Loads of us work hard and we are not verbally abusive to our partners.

[ImperialBlether]

I'm always amazed by what women will put up with. If someone called me one of those names he'd be history. I wouldn't give a damn what he was like the rest of the time.

And that whining? Very, very unattractive.

[Seeyounearertime]

Damn spelling mistakes, I hate touch screens, sure you get what I mean.

[Seeyounearertime]

It sounds like he's taking out other frustration on you OP.
Maybe he goes to work, works hard, comes home tired. Ees something he considers 'wrong' like dishes in the sink. Has a rant and a rave, you then react, he then reacts to your reaction.

It's not right if he's taking out his frustration on you. If his job is among him so tired tonthe point of arsehole syndrome then maybe he should do what inised to do. I'd come home and before anything else I'd go and have a bath and let my stress or tiredness go so that any annoyances wouldn't effect my OH.

Bit whatever the case, name calling isn't on.

[Snossidge]

Can you lay it on the line to him that:

1. The verbal abuse
   
2. Complaining about things you haven't done around the house
   
3. Coercing you into sex
   

Absolutely have to stop, right now, no excuses. Would he agree?

You should also promise to speak politely to him, but honestly lined up against everything else it is not a case of "you are both as bad as each other" so don't listen to posters telling you you've brought this on yourself by being rude.

[summerwinterton]

I wonder if his abusive behaviour towards you is what is causing your depression.

Why do you think you deserve to be called names? I am not surprised you sometimes snap and tell him to shut up. Most people would extricate themselves from this relationship - why do you stay I wonder?