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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have to leave my partner LO 2 months old

38 replies

NewMum2908 · 31/10/2015 09:07

Hi ladies I need your advice.
My beautiful angel was born 2 months ago and sadly I have to leave. I have donever everything to try and make it work but he won't learn.
At the start of this month I went onto my partners phone to see that he was gambling out of control. I approached his mum (as he might listen to her) and between the 2 of us we got him to put a ban on his account. It got that bad he gambled away our rent and bills money.as a responsible mum I gave him 700 out of my savings to pay for everything.
He promised he wouldn't do this anymore. I found another gambling app last week and asked him to log on so I could see how much he spent and he wouldn't do it so I asked for a bank statement to see if there were any transactions and he wouldn't do it so I just had to "trust he wasn't doing it".
Since then he has been very sly with his phone and finally left it on the side when having a shower so decided to take a look.
I went onto his Internet and found porn up which mortified me and found another betting app and saw the balance was £392.
I asked him about it when he came out the shower and these are the replies I get.
Porn - I don't find you attractive and don't like ur mentality
Gambling - you broke my trust by going on my phone.
My family live 200 miles away and can't just go and stop somewhere local as I can't get a home I can afford in London so have to leave to go stop at my parents.
Am I being over the top? How can I stay here when the person I want to be a team mate is doing everything in his power to push us away. I never dreamt about being a single parent but feel like it's my only option when he never wants to talk about his problems or show that he love's me in any way :(

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 31/10/2015 09:12

Being a single parent will be much better than this. Can you go and stay with your parents?

manandbeast · 31/10/2015 09:12

I have never said this on Mumsnet before, and I do t say it lightly, but I think you should leave him. You'll be happier without him. If you are able to stay with your family then do it.
Thanks

SummerMonths · 31/10/2015 09:13

You poor thing. Even aside from the gambling and lying he sounds like a total bastard telling you that he does not find you attractive two months after birth. But obviously the lying and gambling is the more serious issue. He's addicted and won't stop unless he gets treatment. Unless he is willing to join Gamblers Anonymous and is willing to give you 100% control of all money coming in I would leave. If he agreed to counselling and handing all
Money to you then explain that means absolutely no transfers to him: you pay all bills, buy all food and top up his Oyster for him. Anything less than that and I would be out of there.

Finola1step · 31/10/2015 09:16

If you stay with him, it won't get better. He will just drag you down. When you can, phone your parents and start making the necessary arrangements. Flowers

ILiveAtTheBeach · 31/10/2015 09:17

You did the right thing to leave.

  1. He watched porn and tells you it's because he doesn't find you attractive. How dare he, when you've just had his baby!!
  1. You've bailed him out with £700 and he's betrayed you, by now racking up yet another debt of £392.
  1. He's gambled away your rent and bill money.

He's hardly a catch!

And all of this is happening at the hardest time of your life. You should be very proud of yourself for taking positive action. Don't look back!

goddessofsmallthings · 31/10/2015 09:23

How soon can you get to your parents? Can they, or another member of your family, come to get you and your beautiful baby?

Do you know for a fact that he used the £700 you gave him to pay the outstanding rent and bills? Is the tenancy agreement and any utility service such as gas, water, etc in your joint names or are they all in his sole name?

Original poster
NewMum2908 · 31/10/2015 09:32

I'm waiting for my dad to wake up and he is going to come and get me. I can't do this anymore. For the whole of the pregnancy he wasn't there for me but thought it would get better when he meets the little one.
He says that he doesn't find me attractive because of my horrible mentality. Whenever he needs me for anything I am there. To write his CV, to bail him out of debts and to keep him with money in his pocket but he is killing my savings I worked so hard to get preparing to be a mum.
I'm still waiting for a well done for childbirth and to even have a cuddle. He didn't touch me the whole time I was pregnant (not even a kiss) and I feel empty.
I used to worry that he didn't love me but now I have all the love I need in my daughter.
He swore on both of our lives that he would stop gambling. How dare he!
He'd rather get off in the bathroom then show me an ounce or affection.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 31/10/2015 09:43

Make sure he's not put any debts in your name and that you are completely financially separated.

The last thing you need to to not have a clean break from his ways.

outputgap · 31/10/2015 09:51

Well done, NewMum. You are absolutely right. What clarity of mind and good sense. You are doing the right thing for you and your daughter.

donajimena · 31/10/2015 09:56

I'm so happy you are leaving. I didn't envisage being a single mum either but it was so liberating not living with an arsehat. I wish you all the very best.

MissBattleaxe · 31/10/2015 09:58

Well done, good decision. Saying you are unattractive because of your "horrible mentality" is emotional abuse. He clearly cares about neither of you as he is spending vital household funds without consulting you. This will get much much worse and you are absolutely correct to leave.

Good luck and best wishes for a brighter future.

HSMMaCM · 31/10/2015 10:02

As advised. If you have anything in joint names, cancel it.

redannie118 · 31/10/2015 10:09

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

Hopelass · 31/10/2015 10:13

You are doing the right thing well done and Thanks you and your daughter deserve much better.

moopymoodle · 31/10/2015 10:18

I rarely say LTB, but this case is very black and white and screams LTB!!

Formerdoormat · 31/10/2015 10:20

You can do it. I left on Monday and although sad, it is like a weight has been lifted. DD and I are happy and safe which is all that matters Flowers

BrandNewAndImproved · 31/10/2015 10:40

I'm really glad your dad is coming to get you. Stay with your parents for a bit whilst you get your head together if you can. Good luck you deserve more.

Original poster
NewMum2908 · 31/10/2015 10:41

He now says that I have broken his trust by going on his phone and pushed his family away. I cant stay local as i wouldnt dream of going into a hostel with my daughter. He hasn't shown an ounce of remorse.
Any ladies going through this pm me and we can get through this together.

Onwards an upwards.... there's only so much trying a mum can do xxx

OP posts:
Offred · 31/10/2015 10:43

You are not being over the top.

Leaving now while you baby is so small will be difficult for you but much, much easier for the baby.

Original poster
NewMum2908 · 31/10/2015 10:58

I feel guilty for leaving because how much he loves her. Will she think I'm a bad mum for doing it in the future? :( x

OP posts:
BrandNewAndImproved · 31/10/2015 11:04

Listen he doesn't love her as much as he's making out.

If he loved her he wouldn't of gambled away the rent money. Hes a selfish asshole. No parent who loves their child would do that. He does it because he can.

He also wouldn't of said those things in regard to the porn if he was any sort of decent person.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

petalsandstars · 31/10/2015 11:08

He loves her so much he's gambled given away the money that keeps a roof over her head and food/heating for her mum and her.

You are so doing the right thing by leaving and going to the people who will support you.

Offred · 31/10/2015 11:09

No, she may have times when she is angry at you about it. All kids get angry with their parents sometimes but thinking rationally about it that will be, if it happens at all, because she will never have known what it is like to live in a house where she never knows whether she will have food, clothes, heating or a roof over her head because her dad has gambled the money away and where she learns that men don't treat women partners well. Never knowing what that is like as a life is the best gift you could give her even if she doesn't always realise it.

MissBattleaxe · 31/10/2015 11:18

He's trying to make you the bad guy and this happens a lot, so ignore and stick to your guns. You've done nothing wrong and checking his phone was not a crime. It saved you a lifetime of being lied to.

Teaching123 · 31/10/2015 11:22

OP you have done the right thing. I left my DD's father when she was 2 months old. Man was it tough but it was 100% the right decision. I also moved in with family while I got sorted. Feel free to DM me.

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