Awkward situation with SIL and DNiece - advice needed!

[Stupidlikeastupidthing]

Apologies this will be long - lot of background.... SIL (DH's sister) is considerably older than him. She spent many years in a very abusive marriage before finally getting the courage to kick him out when he started getting physical towards her eldest DD. She has four kids from that marriage.

Recently, she has taken up with a new controlling arsehole man, who is deemed wonderful simply for not beating her up. In all other respects, he's a knob of the highest order - expects to be waited on hand and foot, ignores her kids etc. Based on past experience MIL and DH said nothing and were just welcoming to new man, hoping he'd sort of 'blow over'. Finally (I think knowing they weren't impressed) SIL pushed and pushed them for what they thought and when they were less than fully enthusiastic, she got very very cross and basically said they don't trust her and won't like any man she gets together with. Things have been slightly frosty since, but I still have a good relationship with her and we see a lot of the kids, who absolutely adore DH.

SIL recently announced that she and new man have decided that they are going to up sticks and move 300 miles away, so NM can start his own business

Is there something specific you wanted to ask about your DNiece?

Horrible as this situation is and as right as you might be, your SIL is an adult and you just have to let her get on with it.
You sound like a really nice person and so you will just have to be there to pick up the pieces when it falls apart.
Some people never learn. I feel sorry for your dear nieces and nephews.

Argh posted to soon

Doing something that has been a lifelong dream. This will entail using up most of sil's savings .

The difficulty, in a nutshell, is that DNiece, who is 16 and currently in Y12, doesn't want to go. She loves her college, has loads of friends and doesn't want to move for her final year of school. She (I think) doesn't particularly like NM, but is far too loyal to her DM ever to say that. The last few times I've seen her (she comes over sometimes to do a bit of paid babysitting for our toddler) she's been in tears about it, and I've given lots of reassurance that she can come and stay with us whenever she wants to see her friends, she'll make new friends, it won't be that bad etc and anyway she'll be off to uni in a year.

Last night she appeared at the door, again in tears and is basically asking to live with us for her final year of school . Tbh, as someone who was dragged around from school to.school for loads of my childhood, I completely see where she's coming from. And DH and I love her dearly and would have no problem with her living here. She is a really lovely girl and though it would be a bit of a squash, we could certainly manage for a year until she goes to uni - they're contemplating making the move next summer.

I obviously made absolutely no promises but she has begged me to speak to her mother. I said maybe she should speak to her mother and suggest it first but she says her DM doesn't take her seriously (possibly teenage melodrama) but more worryingly that NM will get angry with her for making her mum not want to move.

I really don't know what to do.Obviously I have to talk to sil as feel I owe it to DNiece but don't know how to approach it. SIL can be very prickly particularly where her parenting is concerned.

If you've got this far - how would you approach this?

I've no idea how I'd approach it, but I'm glad you're there for her. Moving between yr12 and yr13 could really mess up her A levels.

Well I would talk to your SIL and suggest it to be honest. I would focus on the schooling side of things as I do think it really would be very disruptive to move schools in the midst of A levels whether you like the new man or not so surely it is in her interests to stay. It is lovely that you want to do this I hope it works out.

No advice but I wouldn't have any respect for a woman who puts her relationship above her kids wellbeing. And she's done that repeatedly.

Do what you can for your nieces and nephews

Is she in the run up to A levels? You have to use that as your angle surely? It will be disruptive to move school - will she be able to do the same subjects, will they be doing the same modules in the same order?

Yeah she's supposed to do A Levels next year. She is worried about thé disruption to that as there are no guarantees she'd be able to carry on the right subjects/ modules etc. And I think she's quite keen to get into a good uni - she is a clever girl. But I do think in typical teenage fashion her concerns are primarily social. There's a boyfriend in the mix too but she tearfully insisted that it was not him but 'everything' that makes her not want to move. She says she'd miss her dbs and her mum, but would see them a lot of weekends and holidays and makes the fair point that a lot of people move out at 17. I have to say I'm inclined to say it's up to her and if she wants to stay in this area of course there will be a home for her here. But would rather find a way of doing this so that SIL agrees/likes the idea rather than buggering up our relationship with her even further.

I would say DN has asked if she can stay to finish her studies, and see where that leads, a gentle non committal type question. I would be gutted if DD wanted to be apart... but wouldnt move her at that time...

Its lovely she can ask you and that you would be happy to have her. If she has asked you to ask, maybe take her lead and mention it casually when you get the opportunity, it's not a rush to do it to but if they're not minging until the summer

I suppose I'm wondering whether this moving 300 miles away is a pipe dream or something they've conjured up to get back at MIL and DH for not being enthusiastic about NM. And what is this business he's going to start? What does he do now? I suppose I'm just wondering if it will really happen.

If it does though, and your niece will be 17 by then I assume, she can live where she pleases. OK by law you are a minor till you're 18 but the police nor anyone else is going to try to return a 17 (or 16 year old) back home against their will.

I am a retired social worker - some 30 years working with children and young people, and so speak from experience. Obviously it would be better if SIL was agreeable to her daughter living with you, but if not, well that's tough - what kind of mother drags her daughter 300 miles away in the middle of her A levels.

My son is in yr 12. I cannot begin to comprehend uprooting him for the sake of a man! What a silly, selfish woman.

You sound amazing. It would be brilliant if you could do that.

I don't think your sil would have a leg to stand on if her daughter said she could stay put with you.

It is beyond ridiculous to move a child in the middle of her A Level years. Seriously, I wouldn't worry so much about upsetting SIL, rather I'd be staging an intervention. Just tell her that DNeice will be living with you to complete her A Levels.

As the plan to move 300 miles away is not due to materialise until next July, to my mind it would be premature to raise the matter of dn remaining with you until she's completed her A levels.

I suggest you reassure dn that if the plan is still in place at, say, Easter of next year, you will talk to her dm about her remaining with you until her schooling is completed.

As Nina has said above, at 16/17 your dn can make her own decisions as to who she wants to live with and it's probable that her teachers/school will confirm/reiterate that it would be inadvisable to uproot her at such a crucial time in her studies.

Raising the matter now will most probably cause unpleasantness, which is not what's needed before the festive season and there's a danger that dn may become the whipping girl, so to speak, for putting a spanner in her dm's harebrained plans for the future.

I also have a feeling that once it's made clear that dn will be living with you, her siblings will be lining up to move in too and, overall, it's best not to go there now.

Right - was mulling on all your good advice (especially that of leaving it until closer to the time) but DN has apparently spoken to her mother about it, and all hell has broken loose. SIL rang DH earlier absolutely furious - saying how dare we speak to her daughter behind her back, badmouthing her and her partner and trying to get DN to cause trouble! We absolutely and honestly haven't 'stirred' this at all - has all been instigated by DN and until the discussion about could she live with us have been nothing but reassuring about how fun and exciting a move could be. The last thing we want to do is make SIL's life more difficult.

I'm gutted that SIL is clearly so angry with us, but also feel very sorry for DN who has apparently gone to stay with a friend tonight. Could hear NM ranting in the background while SIL was on the phone - swearing and 'tell them x' and 'ask them y'.

What a mess .

Maybe text or phone your DN to we if she's ok? It was brave of her to tell them, and things must be bad if they are reacting like this and she's left. Yes of course her mums going to be upset that her daughter doesn't want to move, but her daughter needs looking after too

Yeah she called me not long after her Mum phoned DH. She's okish I think -gone to her best friend's house until it calms down a bit. She said she was talking to her mum about it and her mum was upset but kind of ok and listening but then NM came in and went mad when he worked out what was going on.

Apparently he just kept saying 'so you've been discussing OUR FAMILY with Stupid and Mrstupid have you?' And DN pointed out that DH is her family - she's known him her whole life, and me for 5 years, and NM for 10 months. And then he said she was being disrespectful to her mum and kept saying to SIL 'are you going to let me be treated like this?! '

He's such an arsewipe - I literally hate him. I've never disliked anyone this much before!

I think if NM has kicked off maybe get your DHas he is SIL's brother to say that you're not stirring, butyou are making theoption of DN to stay with you available if she needs it so she can continue her studies with out it affecting their plans to move. Be very very factual with no emtional impact so there si minimal cause for upset.

Maybe check out what age your dn can move out without recoursefrom patrents so that if she is so upset when themove comes sheknow what her rights are to stay at yours.

the poor girl, and what a fab auntie and uncle you both are, you sound like gems and if you can suppor ther through this she'll treasure you for decades to come

Stand firm, your DN needs you and in time I bet your Sil will too...

What a terrible situation. I am stunned that your SIL is even considering this move. How can anyone be so selfish and stupid as to pander to this man and put his needs over that of her child. I feel so fucking angry just thinking about it. This is likely to be highly disruptive for your DN and may well have a really serious impact on her A levels.
Stand strong OP. I have no real advice aside from that. Your DN is very lucky to have you. I hope her mum sees sense. He sounds likes an absolute shithead of the highest order. I just despair when I read posts like yours.

I'd go one 'better' and make it clear and plain - that he a controlling bully and that she's putting him before her kids as per .

So what if she kicks off? She'd kick off anyway. Nothing is too much trouble when it comes to protecting kids.

But then you have to balance the isolation of the kids in this hellish relationship . but it looks like they're going to be isolated anyway

As far as the niece is concerned, absolutely stick your neck right out. Not just for A levels, social life, continuity, but to protect her from having to live with this dreadful pair.

Yy it'll be a ruckus but it's worth it. But what about the other kids, stuck with them 300 miles away? Too awful.

SIL may actually need to hear she has shit taste in men and that her appalling choices impact her kids. Forget the bloody festive season, what about those kids?

NM's behaviour (and SIL's reaction to it) is really worrying, what an utter arse. I agree DN needs you to stand strong for her, she's a lucky girl