Awkward situation with SIL and DNiece - advice needed!

[Stupidlikeastupidthing]

Apologies this will be long - lot of background.... SIL (DH's sister) is considerably older than him. She spent many years in a very abusive marriage before finally getting the courage to kick him out when he started getting physical towards her eldest DD. She has four kids from that marriage.

Recently, she has taken up with a new controlling arsehole man, who is deemed wonderful simply for not beating her up. In all other respects, he's a knob of the highest order - expects to be waited on hand and foot, ignores her kids etc. Based on past experience MIL and DH said nothing and were just welcoming to new man, hoping he'd sort of 'blow over'. Finally (I think knowing they weren't impressed) SIL pushed and pushed them for what they thought and when they were less than fully enthusiastic, she got very very cross and basically said they don't trust her and won't like any man she gets together with. Things have been slightly frosty since, but I still have a good relationship with her and we see a lot of the kids, who absolutely adore DH.

SIL recently announced that she and new man have decided that they are going to up sticks and move 300 miles away, so NM can start his own business

I'd get some legal advice as to whether DN can choose to live with you instead of her DM and the arsewipe as of now.

If they ruin her A-levels then she might be stuck with them for longer, which might be exactly what the arsewipe wants: to crush her for standing up to him.

I'd record as much ranting as possible.

The arsewipe isn't young is he? I'm thinking he may well have a history of DV that might be on record to bolster your case.

The bottom line is that your dn is of an age where she can choose whether or not to live in the family home and, if she chooses not to, there's bugger all your SIL and NM can do about it.

From what you've said, SIL was not averse to hearing what DN had to say but NM is obviously a paranoid little Hitler fucker and lost no time getting his hand up SIL's bum and working her mouth, hence all the vitriole she's unjustly thrown at you.

I suggest you let the dust settle before telling SIL what you've said here regarding having been encouraging of the move, which you're sure will be beneficial for all concerned (that'll get her wondering why you're not expressing any regret at her/them going), but, of late, you've also been sympathetic to dn's wish to stay at college with her established pals until she's finished her A levels and that you'd be happy to accomodate her during term time so that her studies are not disrupted by the move.

However if, in the meantime, it transpires that dn is getting the brunt of his angst I suggest she moves in with you sooner rather than later, which may cause SIL to wake up to the fact that NM is a controlling twunt who must have his own way in all things and who doesn't give a shit about her dc.

In a sense this is a battle your dn has to fight with her dm but, as she's only 16 and her dm is being controlled by NM, she's need steadfast allies on her side in the shape of your dh and yourself and, perhaps to a lesser extent, MIL.

It's a shame it's kicked off now, but these things tend to happen for a reason and the reason may be that the gods hidden forces are working to ensure that NM doesn't get a chance to run through SIL's savings and leave her high and dry hundreds of miles from her home.

Fwiw, you're best advised to remain your usual cordial self in your dealings with SIL, but this constraint doesn't apply to your DH who should feel free to give NM her both barrels. How dare they have so little regard for DN and her studies.

If dn does move in with you, as she's under 18 and in full-time education you should apply to your local authority's Children's Services Department to regularise the situation and for financial help towards her upkeep because, if it wasn't for you/dh, they may have to find a foster placement for her with all of the cost that entails. If that is the case, come back for further advice before you approach them.

This guide will tell you how to invoke Clare's Law:
www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11369454/Clares-Law-Find-out-if-your-partner-has-a-history-of-abuse.html

What a dick NM is!

My best friend's mother did exactly this, twice. She moved them all when we were...13 or 14? My best friend insisted on staying at our school and got her way though it meant a lot of driving. Then her mother broke up with that husband and attempted to move them all again three or four years later, in our last year of high school, after promising she wouldn't. It would have been too far to drive every day so my best friend stayed with a family in town.

Tbh she's really never forgiven her mother for it.

If the NM really loved your SIL he would love her kids & get all the ducks in a row for moving to this new adventure when DN has gone off to Uni.

But no, as he is an abusive bastard.

Yes I think going and seeking information through Clare's law is a good idea. Especially given sil past, that she's probably not got a good perspective on what makes a 'good man' and because there are children involved.

I think it's fair to say many of us on mn know that most dv begins with controlling aggressive behaviour. It also sounds like sil is open to financial abuse (why is nm so desperate to get them so far away? Does he need to be so far away to do this business? Is it even anything he knows about?).

If you do take dn in that's called kinship fostering here (Scotland not sure about England but imagine not too dissimilar) and you would get emotional and financial support for it.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if this nm has a history of dv. Betting her ex didn't hit immediately either.

Can you try to persuade SIL to talk to DN's school about this? I would hope that they may be able to bring home to her what a disaster for DN it would be to have to move schools in the middle of A Levels. It really would be virtually impossible to find any school or college doing exactly the same syllabus in every subject in the same order and with a vacancy.

TBH I wonder if it is worth speaking to the schools of all the dc anyway. They have a legal duty of care - you can now tell them exactly what you have witnessed and heard about NM and how you are concerned about the dc in all of this.

That means if the school have any concerns about the dc from changes in their behaviour etc. and they take them forward you have an independent concern expressed.

Your DN is 16, she can live where she likes, without her parents' permission.

Let her move in with you and get her A levels so she can head off to Uni and let your SIL (who should know better) get on with her car crash of a relationship.

Tell your DNiece she'll have a place to go if she wants it. She's 16, she can walk out of her mum's house and never have to return.

How are things OP? if DN is 16 she can live anywhere she likes without her mother's permission.

Things are pretty much the same tbh. DN texted me to say all was calm when she went home the other day and it hasn't been brought up again. I've basically told her what everyone on this thread has said - that certainly by next summer when she's 17 she can live where she likes, and if that's with us then we'll be delighted to have her. Obviously would be better to have her mum's agreement/ approval so we'll work on that but the move may not happen anyway.

No further contact from SIL except a text to me asking what time we're picking the younger ones up for fireworks tomorrow night .