How do you split the baby/toddler care between you and DP?

Nettee · 2006-12-06T14:22:15+00:00

I am just wondering whether I am alone with a DP who does so very little. He plays with DS and reads to him and will sometimes feed him something I have made. He just won't cook for DS, change a nappy, bath him, dress him or get up in the night when he wakes. I wonder if it is a lack on confidence thing combined with not being able to cope with DS crying, especially if DP is tired. (DS is 21 months)

NAB3 · 06/12/2006 14:25

We don't. I stay at home full time so do everything from 7.45am until hubby gets home. As soon as he gets in it is a joint effort. We have 3 kids of 5 and under so both need to do stuff. He tends to do more of the bedtime things with the kids while I get their beds sorted, hang up washing, etc. On a weekend whatever needs doing gets done. I sometimes go out on my own for a bit, or with the baby, but more often than not he has all three while I go shopping or he will take the older two out for a trip and I will spend time with the baby. There are no his and hers jobs.

CranberryJelley · 06/12/2006 14:33

I'm at home full time, so I do it all, too. When DD1 was a baby he did almost nothing of practical help (he played with her.)
TBH when he is not working I still do most of the childcare related stuff. He helps with housework, and takes all 3 so I can do a weekly shop at the weekend on my own.

Do you leave the two of them together? I found that it was mostly a confidence thing (and me being overprotective and wanting things done "right") with our first. When I had dd2 he did alot more, and often took dd1 to give me a break (she was only 15 months when I had dd2)

Now that I accept that he does things differently but the children won't come to any harm, and he has more confidence, he does more.

wrappingpaperBOwZZAndribbons · 06/12/2006 14:34

I think you will need to start forcing the issue a bit. I mean it is not as if DS is a delicate newborn anymore, he is a robust toddler.

I don't have perfect arrangements but they are not bad. DH doesn't cook for anyone. But he does give the children their breakfast most mornings - probably 5x a week, and given that one of those nights he doesn't he will be working away that is OK. He never seemed to do baths, so I designated Fridays and Saturdays as his nights. I refuse to cut the children's nails so he has always done that. He doesn't normally do much regarding dressing/washing the children but will do if required. He also usually does nursery/CM drop off.

TheBlonde · 06/12/2006 14:39

My toddler is a similar age

I'm home full time so M-F I do all child stuff

If he wakes in the night it's a joint effort - eg last night DH went and warmed up some milk for DS

At the weekend I try to make DH do all baths (I hate baths). I also try to get out on my own for at least an hour so I leave them to it at home

Rantaclaus · 06/12/2006 14:42

I am home full time so during the day ds (22 mths) is my responsibility. In the evening, DH baths DS, reads him a story and puts him to bed at 8pm. This is a great arrangement because I get half an hour to myself, and DH gets some bonding time with DS - otherwise they would spend no time together at all during the week.

Rantaclaus · 06/12/2006 14:48

Also on weekends DH often helps prepare meals and will watch DS if I need a break - this is important because I think that if he didn't help it would be harder for DH to understand that childcare can be really draining and tiring. He acknowledges that he would find being at home watching DS all the time very difficult and although his job can be stressful, he likes being out in the world, working. He also knows that I am a sociable person and that being at home can be difficult from that point of view especially if you were used to a more public life before parenthood. So, although he knows I WANT to be at home right now and I am grateful that I can be, it is easier for him to appreciate that that doesn't negate some of the negatives of full time parenting. Sorry to rant on.

Rantaclaus · 06/12/2006 14:48

Also on weekends DH often helps prepare meals and will watch DS if I need a break - this is important because I think that if he didn't help it would be harder for DH to understand that childcare can be really draining and tiring. He acknowledges that he would find being at home watching DS all the time very difficult and although his job can be stressful, he likes being out in the world, working. He also knows that I am a sociable person and that being at home can be difficult from that point of view especially if you were used to a more public life before parenthood. So, although he knows I WANT to be at home right now and I am grateful that I can be, it is easier for him to appreciate that that doesn't negate some of the negatives of full time parenting. Sorry to rant on.

Rantaclaus · 06/12/2006 14:50

In case you missed it, hidden in my diatribe was the point that getting more help from DH actually also helps OUR relationship - not just DH's relationship with DS

kama · 06/12/2006 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SHHHHsantaiscoming · 06/12/2006 15:44

DD is 18 months and I'm a sahm so I see to her mon-fri, dh works so is out of the home from around 5.30/6am till 7/8pm. If home in time he does put dd to bed at night and read her a story but everything else is my job..washing, feeding,playing etc.

Come the w/e's and dh is home then he takes over from me although we do tend to share looking aftre her at w/e's. I'm 32 weeks pregnant so finding week days a struggle atm but hopefully not for much longer.

BTW dh will get up with dd if she wakes during the night. Its not just left up to me.

Santamander · 06/12/2006 15:46

Nettee - your 'D'P should be doing a lot more.
You're both DS's parents - it's a shared thing.

Original poster

Nettee · 06/12/2006 16:01

I think the key is to look at what happens when both parents are at home - lots of the DPs out there seem to be contributing more than mine.

He does take more resonsibility when we are out as a family than I do - Chasing DS around etc

The other thing is the multitasking - if we are both busy at home I am always the one who has to look after DS and do what I need to do.

Thanks for all your replies - interesting to see what everyone else does

OP posts:

wrappingpaperBOwZZAndribbons · 07/12/2006 09:11

Ah yes the multitasking is very true. But they tend to just need more practice at it.

My gripe with DH is that he never takes them both out on his own - other than the nursery/childminder drop off when I am working. We all go out together, but just now that mainly seems to be visiting people so not very harduous, or I take them out on my own.

LucyJu · 07/12/2006 10:13

I feel a bit , hearing about some your dhs.
I am a SAHM, get up at 6 each morning to get dh's and the girls' breakfasts ready. Dh out from about 7.30 am - 6.30 pm UNLESS he is doing sport after work (about 3 times per week, when he gets home at about 8). When he is home at 6.30 or so, he will listen to dd1 read, but I nearly always do all the rest of the bedtime stuff. He never ever gets up in the night.
At weekends, I get a bit of a break on Saturday morning, whilst he takes dd1 swimming - but I still have to look after dd2. Then usually, he spends the rest of the weekend doing jobs in the house or garden. I have maybe a couple of afternoons per year when he looks after both girls for me. Although I guess that last sentence should really read "for us".
Actually, I'm starting to feel a bit peed-off, seeing it all written down.

sunnysideup · 07/12/2006 10:44

Lucy, I definitely think your DH could do loads more! And sports THREE times a week is a bit sad tbh - wouldn't he rather be with his own children than playing sport?? Once I can understand but three times a week when it basically means three days a week where he won't even really SEE his kids....hmmm.

I think he should have a regular weekend morning or afternoon with sole care of them; this will do SO much good for their bond and the closeness of their relationships....kids can get totally in the habit of only confiding things in mum if they just don't get TIME with dad and that's really sad. Go for it, it will be a valuable and healthy break for you and it can only do the children's relationship with their dad the world of good!

MAKE him do it! Go out!

sunnysideup · 07/12/2006 10:45

And I would not dream of getting my DH's breakfast ready....he appears to have arms and legs and seems to manage to breathe, walk and prepare a simple meal all at the same time....and my goodness, he seems to think it possible that HE could get his own child's breakfast too! Gah!

mrsSnoah · 07/12/2006 11:30

98% me
1% dh
1% my mother

I think you are lucky he even reads to him actually! Its a good start.Work on making that a whole bedtime thing for him to spend time with ds.

I have left ds 8 months with my DH twice and if his Mother isnt in he leaves him at my Mother's.

I am in a grumpy mood today, sorry!

mrsSnoah · 07/12/2006 11:35

Agree with LucyJu

Original poster

Nettee · 07/12/2006 12:05

I think DH thinks that because he works full time (I work part time) and does jobs round the house and garden that it is my responsibility to do all the childcare. Because he has to go out to work in the morning then i have to do the broken nights but it is not as though I get a lie in to make up for it. Then he feels entitled to a break (even a lie in with me entertaining DS quietly) on his days off but I rarely get a break.

Bit of a rant there - It would be much worse to be a single Mum - he does take the pressure off some of the time by entertaining DS

OP posts:

JARMgotstuckupthechimney · 07/12/2006 12:08

im at home full time,BUT DH does...

Get up to them at night
Give them breakfast
Get them changed/dressed
Play with them
Give them Tea
Bath them
Put them to bed.

On weekends he takes over 90% of the role and its bliss.

He is a good one I know, and I can only suggest giving your men a kick up the arse!

No man should bring a child into the world and refuse to change nappies!

HEIFERmerryxmasandhappyMOOyear · 07/12/2006 12:24

another one whose DH does his share...

I am a SAHM so do the day care, washing, cooking etc but DH gets up in the night if I don't hear,
he comes in from work at 7.00 and give DD a bath then reads to her and puts her to bed....

And I love it..

He plays with her (sort of)... but has never ever taken her out just the two of them... I got a bit miffed about that the other day - unless I looked at what he does do and realised that I am much luckier than some..

He has started to take DD swimming on Saturday morning - but only had 2 so far and I went with them to watch... I am hoping this novelty will wear off and I will stay at home when they go - but I did enjoy seeing both their faces laughing and having a great time...

all in all - Ive got a good one...

NAB3 · 07/12/2006 14:15

Dads will do as little as you let them get away with.

LucyJu · 07/12/2006 14:52

This thread has really made me think.
I think dh is a good dad and he does work hard for us all. But when I see written down what he does, I know it probably makes him look crap. He isn't the sort of dad who never changes a nappy or does a bath, and he undoubtedly loves his kids... maybe it all boils down to the fact that he doesn't see full-time childcare as a "real" job (even though it is suppoisedly what bothof us want). Even I have been shocked to think that I have had only two afternoons to myself in an entire year. Yes, I know I get a bit of a break when they are sleeping, but I am always "on call", so to speak.
I feel a bit disturbed by writing all of this. Like I have had a bit of a "wake-up" call...

Rookietherednosedreindeer · 07/12/2006 14:59

I have to say I am faintly relieved that DH is away this weekend.

Ok I won't get my lie in, one DS bath done and one DS meal fed to him so he probably does about 25% of the weekend care and I feel I have to thank him all the time for doing it then get innerly resentful for it which usually errupts in at least one mini row during the weekend

It's not as if he is sitting on his bottom readin the paper, he does other things like bits of the garden, endless trips to B&Q and so forth but I sometimes think its a bit manufactured to avoid spending more time with DS as he admits he finds it frustrating.

I go down the path of making sure I go out for a few hours, if he has a weekend away I will have one, everything to try to get some equality but I think its kind of sad that I have to leave our home in order to get DH to feed his own son.

thebecster · 07/12/2006 15:09

I work full time. Everything is split evenly but we tend to have our 'own' jobs, which we do more often. eg. DH usually cleans & sterilises all bottles, I usually get DS ready for nursery in the mornings. DH usually does 11pm feed, I usually do 4am feed. At bedtime DH does the bath & massage, then I do bottle & story. We take it in turns to do pretty much everything else - we don't keep track of 'whose turn' it is, but it works out about 50/50. There have been a few times - short periods of time - when DH slipped into doing a lot less than me. I screamed and stamped my feet and cried and then he shaped up pretty quickly. I think it does help that I earn most of the money & pay the bills (but SHOULDN'T because SAHMs are doing a job too - actually a much harder job than my office-based-relatively-glamorous-media job)