Should I send this message to ex or not? Please help!

[Shouldknowbetter2015]

I've written a few threads about how difficult I've found it to come to terms with end of relationship with exP. We weren't married, living together or had children. We were only together a couple of yrs but he's seriously got into my head & I just can't stop thinking about it all. I guess I'm still a little attached and a lot angry with him, but feel I've never had the chance to tell him how he made me feel at the end ( I'm pretty sure he was having some sort of breakdown, lots of verbal abuse & flouncing out of my house, only thinking about himself & all his problems etc. etc. you know the type...).

Anyway I saw him today & he was all nicely nicely but there was so much I wanted to say, obviously I couldn't as it wasn't appropriate in public! I've composed following text - I really want to send it, but know I probably shouldn't. I don't want him back, I just want acknowledgement of what he did to me.

"It's funny that I bumped into you today, I've been thinking about you a lot as it's two yrs ago this week that we got together. I still don't understand what happened & how you wanted me so much to start off with then treated me so appallingly at the end, when all I'd done was care for you & be there for you through your bad times. You probably don't even realise the damage you did to me & how you shattered my already low self esteem all over again. I know you think you are the only one with problems, but when you are thinking about how much (his ex wife's name) hurt you, please try to understand how much you hurt me & how I still feel almost 5 months on. I hope you find peace within yourself eventually"

What do you reckon?

Hesterton: i want him to feel as bad as he made me feel & i want him to apologise. I hate how i gave him so much & received nothing but a broken heart in return. He was a cocklodger (love that expression!)... Arrgghhh why should he get away with it????

A good trick I was told to help me at a time of huge heartbreak was to change the way I allowed myself to think of the ex. Every time I remembered something good and wonderful to push it away make it black and white fade it out and replace it with a shit memory a time he made me feel small insecure or just awful (not a breakup memory a relationship memory). Take the bad memory and polish it remember the time place smell colour it in make it really strong. Every time you get a good memory or thought push it out and replay the bad. The bad was actually your real relationship the 'nice' are the rose tinted version you are holding onto

I have done that lighteningirl! It was a really crucial defence mechanism at one point, although a small part of me regrets now (years on) that I have driven out the positive memories.

You say: I hate how i gave him so much & received nothing but a broken heart in return. He was a cocklodger (love that expression!)... Arrgghhh why should he get away with it????

But if he is an asshat, he won't be punished by you telling him what a profound affect he's had on you will he? He'll either be flattered, irritated or indifferent.

Honestly, I really don't think him knowing how bad you feel will make him feel he hasn't got away with anything or feel remorse.

So glad you deleted it. Phew.

Print it out, burn it , watch him go up
in smoke . Move on think about yourself , be happy

God I'm sooooooo glad i referred to MN! I was literally so close to sending it & wouldve felt shit for rest of night while waiting for reply (... Or not receiving a reply!).

Bleedingheart: you are right, he would definitely not have seen my POV, as everything was always about him, how he felt & how shit his life is (of course nobody else has problems do they... :/).

He won't get away with it OP -

Feeling that feeling at the mo. Dropped belongings back yesterday including every gift he gave me. Including microwave I could really do with right now but had to get rid of every memory lol. Was hoping it'd make me feel better but been abit of a low day Your not alone 5 months on your doing well keep going strong

Thanks Belle89. It's rubbish isn't it? I'm sorry you've had a bad day & feeling low. How long since you split? Did you go NC? I did & it really pissed me off he didn't even try to get me back... Oh goodness, I'm steering well clear of twats from now. I'm setting the bar so high no one will get over it!

I find writing them is all you need write it,read it through then delete it. It helps me get rid of all my negative thoughts.

A few weeks I think though I have been in denial about it. But thinking back there was a lot of similar fall outs where he'd strop ect and few days would pass then be ok. But that's no way to live. I set up a business website and fb page ect for him so have had to contact to sign fb page over as I don't want to see it every day lol. I believe he is now with his ex whom he has a 4yo child with. Said ex didn't allow contact and had to go court ect I do believe she has used her child to catch him but hey ho. He's been there once he'll only have himself to blame when it turns sour and contact gets effected again.

I have been rubbish at the no contact thing but have realised I don't NEED him. I do tend to rely emotionally on a partner too much. Left a 9 year relationship then really quickly went into the one that's just ended. Don't want to be alone :-(

Belle you are right - if he's been there before & it didn't work, then it wont again, will it? Poor kid though... Well done on signing over FB etc so you don't have to see it every day. I guess as time goes on we will eventually let go. Just wish i could fast-forward to that point! I'm hoping starting a new job will banish him from my thoughts & he will eventually fade away.

Just seen your second message there. I'm exactly the same: hate being on my own... BUT having done a lot of MN reading & also baggagereclaim.co.uk i now understand I'm codependent & totally rely on outside validation. So will be steering clear of anymore partners for the foreseeable future, until i am sure I'm in it for me & not for needing validation from someone else. It's a hard habit to break but this recent ex has traumatized me so much i don't even feel like i want to be with a man at the moment, even 5 months on.

It's so so hard isn't it? Part of me still hopes ect but as I see it now I need to let him attempt the family life for the sake of his child. It's a killer I'd already started planning Xmas ect and we were going to get a house so it's changing all those ideas in my head! Need to just focus on my lil boy for now alough ex h is feeling hopeful and makes sure I know he is there as a ear to bend if needed but can't have him feel there's hope as that's not fair either. Good luck in the new job what will u be doing

Don't want to say in case i out myself! But something I've always wanted to do & something I've worked hard for :). Wishing you all the best Belle KOKO as they say in Hobbits Bar! Ps: know what you mean about Christmas - he begged me not to let him spend last Christmas alone (as he had the yr before). Sucker that i am i invited him for Christmas with my family & it was lovely. They all really liked him. God, it makes me bloody furious when i think about that!!!!

Exactly what bleedingheart and supermanspants said.
He couldn't give a shit about how you feel. He knows he hurt you, he just couldn't give a fuck about it! And you telling him won't change that.
He will think you are mad ex stalker crazy lady, or be indifferent or be massively thinking you are begging him back.

He will prob also be expecting to hear from you. Don't give in! Well done!!

Brokenhearted: i think you are correct - I'm a great believer in fate & karma. It's just a shame i probably won't get to hear about it... Or maybe the fact he's living on his own and has an exW who treats him like shit, no job & no money is karma enough... :/

Next time you run into him, just snub the fecker.

Cat.12 - i definitely will. It's set me back weeks seeing him today...

The best revenge is living well. The next time you see him, just remember that. Sod him!

Thanks Playthegame. But how will he ever know I'm living well? More to the point, why do i even care whether he knows I'm living well??? I wish i could move on from caring what he thinks. I AM trying tho - honestly!