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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ok the times come to finally sort my life out once and for all!! - can anyone help me? - im terrified!!....

35 replies

Doormatt · 06/12/2006 13:10

I have lived with dp for almost eight years, he has on rare occasions physically attacked me, he is a bully, and lies to me quite alot, he never baths or showers (and i do mean NEVER) he never wants to go anywhere with me and our children, they are 6, 4, and just turned 1, i dont fancy him anymore, not because off his looks because he is quite a nice looking man, but its his behavior and attitude towards me, when i was 9 months pregnant and shopping in tesco's i couldnt reach something on the bottom shelf and he said "i wondered why you were stood there like a useless c*nt"!!! he emails women online all the time and denys it, but i have seen him do it! Im mad at myself for putting up with him and making excuses for him, but we are supposed to be moving to Australia next year to make a better life for the kids, they have bad asthma and the gp has said a move to a warmer climate is a good idea, im well aware that moving away from everyone with someone like him is a bad idea, but im left with the choice - a better life for the kids, or do i just leave him, stay here and take my chnaces, im scared and i have no idea what to do, but i do know i need to sort my life out now, before i waste anymore years in a dead loveless relationship.

OP posts:

bluejelly · 06/12/2006 13:15

So sorry you have spent such a long time with a man who sounds like a nasty piece of work. Sounds like you have really seen the light now though.
I don't think bullies get better, they just get worse
I would make a move now, don't move to australia with him . A happy mum is more important than sunshine I reckon!
And being a single mother is really not that bad, you'll be surprised how nice it is NOT having to put up with criticisms every single day.

HeavenisInherwinterunderwear · 06/12/2006 13:16

Ok in an ideal world you would move to Oz for a better life with the kids,and in this ideal world your partner would be supportive an not an emotional bully.

You need to do what is best for you and your children. Your dp seems to care little for you,and can't care much for himself if he never washes etc.
I would start putting plans in to action so that when you are ready to leave you can do.
Where would you live a council house ?

bluejelly · 06/12/2006 13:18

Do you have an independent income? Do you own your own home? Do you have friends or relatives you could stay with?
Might be worth contacting the Citizen's advice bureau and Gingerbread

Tortington · 06/12/2006 13:18

the alternative - to teach your children that attacking their wife or to be attacked by your husband is ok.

but hey - their asthma will be better.

you know what you have to do.

dont go to australia with no support network.

so that leaving him will be harder

BuffysMum · 06/12/2006 13:19

Sounds like an abusive relationship, leave for your childrens' sake. Would you like them to have a future partner that treats them the way you are being treated now?

Original poster

Doormatt · 06/12/2006 13:27

He doesnt ever do it in front of them - ever, its only ever happened when they are in bed or out, im a sahm i dont work and he owns this house not me, we are not married, he does play withthe kids occasionally, and i know he loves them very very much, i dont want the kids to hate me when they are older for leaving him, im so so overwhelmed with it all i just dont know which way to turn.

OP posts:

dara · 06/12/2006 13:33

Whatever you do, don't go to Australia. A life with a bullying, foul-mouthed, aggressive, violent father could never be a better life. Climate is nothing compared to that. You know what you need to do - you said it yourself - not waste any more time in a dead, loveless relationship. You have three lovely children and you can make a new life. Good luck.

bluejelly · 06/12/2006 13:33

Your kids won't hate you. They may hate him when they find out how horrible he's been.
I always think that a happy mum = happy kids and in the long term you have to salvage your own happiness, even if that means breaking up the family.

Piffle · 06/12/2006 13:35

Also if they are his kids, you need his permission to take them, which could be a hassle.
Move within the Uk first to establish your own life away from him.
then regroup
good luck, he sounds like a complete prick btw

sunnywong · 06/12/2006 13:37

australia is the asthma capital of the world, if that is any help to your decison making

dara · 06/12/2006 13:38

I know it will be difficult for you because you have no income of your own and don't own the house - always a terrible injustice. But don't go to Australia, because even if he turned out to be horribly violent (men like him usually get worse, esp if he's got you away from your friends and family) you might have real trouble bringing the children back to the UK.
I think you need some good personal advice via Women's Aid and/or Citizen's Advice Bureau about your situation re housing etc.

HeavenisInherwinterunderwear · 06/12/2006 13:38

It is the classic bully,never lets other people see what he is doing.
Your children will not hate you for leaving. They can still have a relationship with him if that is what they want.
So first on your list must be to find some where for you to go. Would you stay with relatives ?
What about council houses in your area.
Make enquires to what benefits you would be entilted to. (Housing,council tax,child tax credit)
Would you be able to put some money aside without him knowing ?

quanglewangle · 06/12/2006 13:40

Don't go, you'll just be digging yourself in deeper.

And there's no guarantee about the asthma - I wouldn't imagine Oz isn't an asthma-free zone.

Original poster

Doormatt · 06/12/2006 13:44

Im not really able to get much money - he has alot of debt problems so whatever money there is he uses to pay of his debts, i know what i need to do im just so terrified of actually doing it, all the trouble and harrassment from his side of the family will finish me, i feel worn down to the bone as it is, i dont think i have enough left in me to start a new life on my own with 3 small kids! but i know i need to do it, i wish someone could do it for me

OP posts:

quanglewangle · 06/12/2006 13:44

I know bugger all about this except what I have gleaned from the tv, but as it is his house you won't have 'made yourself homeless' when he goes. So should be easier to get council housing.

dara · 06/12/2006 13:45

If you go to Australia you may not be able to leave with your children. It could be a total, total nightmare. You'd be trapped.
Because of your unfair situation (no income, no stake in the house) you do need some proper advice. Maybe Women's Aid and/or Citizen's Advice Bureau?

Piffle · 06/12/2006 13:45

sorry misread your post re moving
don't move he will isolate you and it will make things terrible

dara · 06/12/2006 13:46

I bet you feel worn down! But he can't be helping really. To be called names like that when pregnant would have killed me. It will destroy you in the end.

HeavenisInherwinterunderwear · 06/12/2006 13:50

Ok if at the moment you don't feel able to be on your own,is there anyone who you could all stay with in the short term.
Have you spoken to your HV she maybe able to help in some way.
His family sound nice too. It takes two to make a partnership.

Original poster

Doormatt · 06/12/2006 13:51

I have to say he works hard and his boss is a complete pig, we live in a nice house and we have done ok for ourselves, i have lots of fab friends and a big family here, but i cant live with him anymore, he has tried to grind me down into nothing, nothing i do is right, nothing i say makes any difference to him, he lies all the itme eve about stupid little things, as cliche as it sounds some days i really do think i dont know him at all! i never know what mood he is going to come home in, he will scream and shout and hurl abuse at me and then smile and joke it all away like its nothing, and im left feeling useless and stupid and angry at him and angry at myself for staying here and continuing this pathetic excuse for a relationship, there has to be more to life? surely.

OP posts:

quanglewangle · 06/12/2006 13:56

Once you have broken free it won't be long before you wonder why it took you so long to leave. Be strong

slug · 06/12/2006 13:57

He sounds exactly like a bloke I work with. Start making plans. There's nothing so good for your self esteem as making a start on tackling the problem.

Photocopy everything for later use with the CSA. Make an appointment with citizens advice to talk over your housing and financial options. Keep evidence of his lying, so useful if it goes to court to establish a pattern of untruths.

Do it in secret. Making plans and building up the evidence gives you power, even if you decide never to go through with it.

dara · 06/12/2006 13:58

Of course there is more to life! How old are you? I bet you are easily young enough to start again, and having your lovely children at least means you aren't in the position of being, say, 38 and single and desperate for children, which plenty of women are.
Could you talk to your family about this? I think they sound like the best and most sensible source of immediate help.

bluejelly · 06/12/2006 14:04

Someone once said to me 'you are never as lonely as when you are in a bad relationship'
Very very true I reckon

Original poster

Doormatt · 06/12/2006 14:04

Im 27, my family are great, but i have no-one i can stay with, my plan, if it works out, is we have already agreed to sell this house after christmas and when we do we should make alot of money on it, so i will take half and he can take half and we go our own seperate ways, thats the plan anyway, i know nothing is ever simple, but maybe this time it might be..

OP posts:

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